A Soldier Never Cries
Two months of nothing, and then this:
What a crazy time this has been. Caused by myself and my faults that I am apparently not ready or willing to fix. I have been putting off writing this out of my own selfishness and child like fears, which I apologize for.
Watching my life unfold these past few months has made me realize that I accomplished something that I have been trying to do for quite some time and that is to be selfish and take care of myself for the first time in my life. This conscious decision has harmed others in my life, most importantly you. This selfishness is a harmful blessing. For the first time, I have no concerns about money or living. Also for the first time I have severely injured personal relationships.
Missing your phone calls, for the most part, was bad timing, honestly. The rest of them, me being pissed. I thought that I would be able to deal with you being gone and not being able to talk to you. I can not. Please do not take that in the negative, I am extremely proud of you, what you have done and what you are going to do. It is just not possible to deal with not being able to talk to you daily and for hours at a time. It is not possible to not be able to see you. You will be gone for so much longer and once back, gone again. It feels as though I was trying to desperately hold onto something that was going to inevitably slip through my fingers.
James, you have helped me immensely and for that I am forever grateful. You showed me nothing but kindness and utmost respect, which are two of the most admirable qualities that I could ever hope to find in a man. Our lives are on two completely separate paths and they look as though they are not intended to intersect but for that briefest of moments, and a great moment it was, Jamesy.
I miss you like crazy....and it is driving me crazy. This life has more insanity than I can handle as it is.
This is so shitty of me, I know that you will agree whole heartily. I am not ready for this and I have beaten myself up for leading you to believe that I was. "A fish can't whistle and neither can I."
There is so much I wish I could say. Words were always your ally just as silence is mine. I will never forget what you have shown and taught me. Somehow you managed to break through my exterior and dug your way into my heart where you will always remain.
They say that the proof is in the pudding. Reading this letter solidifies in my mind all of the countless entries and conversations I've had with my many friends regarding the heartache that is lust and loss.
There is a tomorrow...
and I'm strangely okay with that.
You are gone now...
and I'm strangely okay with that.
It is not shitty of you, my heart. I meant it when I said if you ever found someone better, to not hesitate- to throw yourself into it headfirst and never look back. I'm glad you found someone better:
You.
What a crazy time this has been. Caused by myself and my faults that I am apparently not ready or willing to fix. I have been putting off writing this out of my own selfishness and child like fears, which I apologize for.
Watching my life unfold these past few months has made me realize that I accomplished something that I have been trying to do for quite some time and that is to be selfish and take care of myself for the first time in my life. This conscious decision has harmed others in my life, most importantly you. This selfishness is a harmful blessing. For the first time, I have no concerns about money or living. Also for the first time I have severely injured personal relationships.
Missing your phone calls, for the most part, was bad timing, honestly. The rest of them, me being pissed. I thought that I would be able to deal with you being gone and not being able to talk to you. I can not. Please do not take that in the negative, I am extremely proud of you, what you have done and what you are going to do. It is just not possible to deal with not being able to talk to you daily and for hours at a time. It is not possible to not be able to see you. You will be gone for so much longer and once back, gone again. It feels as though I was trying to desperately hold onto something that was going to inevitably slip through my fingers.
James, you have helped me immensely and for that I am forever grateful. You showed me nothing but kindness and utmost respect, which are two of the most admirable qualities that I could ever hope to find in a man. Our lives are on two completely separate paths and they look as though they are not intended to intersect but for that briefest of moments, and a great moment it was, Jamesy.
I miss you like crazy....and it is driving me crazy. This life has more insanity than I can handle as it is.
This is so shitty of me, I know that you will agree whole heartily. I am not ready for this and I have beaten myself up for leading you to believe that I was. "A fish can't whistle and neither can I."
There is so much I wish I could say. Words were always your ally just as silence is mine. I will never forget what you have shown and taught me. Somehow you managed to break through my exterior and dug your way into my heart where you will always remain.
They say that the proof is in the pudding. Reading this letter solidifies in my mind all of the countless entries and conversations I've had with my many friends regarding the heartache that is lust and loss.
There is a tomorrow...
and I'm strangely okay with that.
You are gone now...
and I'm strangely okay with that.
It is not shitty of you, my heart. I meant it when I said if you ever found someone better, to not hesitate- to throw yourself into it headfirst and never look back. I'm glad you found someone better:
You.