moderation?
i felt dead inside today.
cocaine. i am trying to remember, at point did my little hobby become the only reason to live? it was just a little fun with the girls between track practices. wed do our lines and sneak into nightclubs. then we were doing it during bathroom breaks at school. we took a lot of bathroom breaks. then we would have evening sessions doing lines every night. one of us started having sex for it and chopping some for us to buy, one of us overdosed and died on a plane, and one of us is bankrupt for it. and we werent stupid. we knew that coke would destroy our lives before we'd even touched it. and we were determined to do as much of it anyway
its like i was curious to see how much a stupid drug addiction could destroy my life. sometimes being dead inside is fun. im like a dead body on coke. twitching. its fun.
i think moderation could be the way. like today, i was so depressed and pissy at the coffee stand so i took a break and took one hit off a roach. and the rest of the day i was just relaxed and happy and even kinda good at my job. and after work i took one more hit off the roach. just smoking a very small amount without going into longterm stonergirl land made me happy but wouldn't destroy me.
so, tonight, im meeting ella. she will have like a truckload of delicious white powder, lined up for my nose. i am going to have one bump, just one, and then enjoy the rest of the evening with ella and not have anymore. if i have to be a drug addict im gonna be disciplined i can do it ican do it
cocaine. i am trying to remember, at point did my little hobby become the only reason to live? it was just a little fun with the girls between track practices. wed do our lines and sneak into nightclubs. then we were doing it during bathroom breaks at school. we took a lot of bathroom breaks. then we would have evening sessions doing lines every night. one of us started having sex for it and chopping some for us to buy, one of us overdosed and died on a plane, and one of us is bankrupt for it. and we werent stupid. we knew that coke would destroy our lives before we'd even touched it. and we were determined to do as much of it anyway
its like i was curious to see how much a stupid drug addiction could destroy my life. sometimes being dead inside is fun. im like a dead body on coke. twitching. its fun.
i think moderation could be the way. like today, i was so depressed and pissy at the coffee stand so i took a break and took one hit off a roach. and the rest of the day i was just relaxed and happy and even kinda good at my job. and after work i took one more hit off the roach. just smoking a very small amount without going into longterm stonergirl land made me happy but wouldn't destroy me.
so, tonight, im meeting ella. she will have like a truckload of delicious white powder, lined up for my nose. i am going to have one bump, just one, and then enjoy the rest of the evening with ella and not have anymore. if i have to be a drug addict im gonna be disciplined i can do it ican do it