THE QUIBBLER Issue 1- Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything's different.
Daily Prophet Reporter Demetrius Greensmith a Vampire?
Quibbler reporters have delved deep into the life and times of one Demetrius Greensmith, well known writer for the Daily Prophet, and found quite a bit more then we bargained for. The writer has been hiding a dark secret now for hundreds of years. While all known records indicate the man was born 35 years ago, on the date of October 13th, 1965, this reporter has found incontestable photographic evidence which proves beyond reasonable doubt that he has in fact been around since the early 17th century. The pictures that follow are Demetrius Greensmith as he appears now.
These, from forty years past
And these paintings range from the early 17th century to the early 1960’s, with Mr.Greensmith clearly used as a model.
His un-aged appearance leads us to the conclusion that he must, in fact, be a vampire, and not a lucky owner of a philosophers’ stone.
How has Mr. Greensmith kept this a secret all these years? Sources close to the man say he is being fed a measure of pig’s blood in secret each day, partaking in meals only for appearances. They say he has not fed on a mortal since well past the last century, and is perfectly safe since making the switch. These sources have declined to reveal their names.
This reporter tried to track down Mr. Greensmith, to see if rumors of his inability to walk about comfortably in the sun were true, but rainstorms prevented confirmation. This report will note however that Mr. Greensmith has a lovely umbrella and she wishes to know where he purchased it.
So, fans of Demetrius Greengrass needn’t fear, it seems he will be with us for some time to come.
Proud Potter Papa
Yesterday, the Daily Prophet broke the news that Mr. Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived is expecting. While Mr. Potter was unavailable for comment, (no doubt due to his condition) this reporter has full confidence that Mr. Potter will make a fine father. The exact nature of how the pregnancy came to be, and who the proud mother/father is, is yet unknown. Many speculate it to be between Ms. Ginevra Weasley, and Mr. Michael Corner, both rumored to have been seeing Potter within the last few months.
Many wizards have called this a great step forward for gay wizarding rights.
“If the boy-who-lived can do it, what’s to stop the rest of us then? Just ‘cause I’m a bloke don’t mean I don’t want the joy of giving birth,” says local wizard Ben Turnpike, “I’ve a maternal instinct, we all does, but society, it’s society which says that only woman can have babes, nothing more.”
Unfortunately, it also seems biology would agree with society in particular case. Saint Mungos’ experts were unable to explain how a male might come to be pregnant. “It’s simply not possible. There is no environment for a fetus for one, not to mention the proper genetic material is missing. This whole thing is ludicrous, and anyone who believes it for a second is clearly an imbecile,” says rushed pediatrics nurse Bruce Prise.
It should be noted that several wizarding families have, in the past claimed to have invented male pregnancy potions when homosexual heirs refused to be married off and a suitable replacement was not available. Whether or not these claims are actuate have never been proven. Many speculate that the males were simply secluded while a suitable baby was procured through black market adoption.
