(no subject)
Wow, hello! It has been over a year since my last entry. Seems like I'm noticing a trend in the way that I start my entries, and that is me basically saying "It's been so long since my last post!! WOW!". Yes, the times I come on this site are few and far between now, sadly. I guess I have come to the point where if I need to get something off my chest, instead of turning here, I talk to a friend. Nick is especially good to talk to, although I'm not sure how good my listening skills are in return when he's upset - I try. My co-workers at Round Table are very supportive too when someone is down, but you never can know for sure if you can trust everyone there, because someone might think that your story is juicy gossip and spread that shit around the store. No bueno!
So, what am I doing with my life right now?
Waiting.... I'm in idle right now, yet I'm super busy all the time because of work. I say I'm in "idle" because I'm not going to school this fall. I'm actually waiting to see if I get accepted into Sac State! Yeah, I'm not certain if I will get in sadly. Perhaps it's my lack of confidence... I mean sure, my transcript shows that I have taken all the required courses and received the proper grades and GPA, but what if they decide to recruit a more promising applicant? Plus with the application, I *think* I filled out everything correctly, but I didn't have any help, so there might be mistakes. Also, I'm not sure if I should be signing up for financial aid now, or what? Maybe I'll find out in October when they tell me if I'm in or not. Who knows? I'm probably over-stressing about it. Meh. If I don't get in, I will try not to let it bother me too much. In fact, I might just suck it up and go back to Sierra to study some more, and maybe clean up my GPA. Yeah, it sucks...2.45. I played around too much when I should have been working. I like to think I am smart and full of potential, but I definitely lack the essential discipline for this. :( Just have to try harder, and not let my emotions interfere. Loneliness is my enemy. People always ask me if I want to hang out, and I feel pressured to do it, even when I have a shit ton of work to get done. Honestly, now, if a so called "friend" doesn't care if I have studying to do and still asks me to hang out, fuck them. I will just cry to Nick, haha.
Something I feel that I am learning in 2015 - How to discriminate.
Might sound bad, but it's the best thing that has ever happened.
I used to get down on myself because I am quiet, and I thought that there was something totally wrong with me because unlike my peers who just latch themselves right onto people and make friends, I have a hard time establishing connections. This year, I feel like I'm better at getting to know people, and I've made friends with people at work that I can hang out with after business hours, and needless to say, it feels great. To keep a long story short, not everyone is who you think they are. Someone, whom I thought was really neat, easy to talk to, and also shared a lot in common with me, caused me a ton of grief. I was excited to be his friend, and hang out with him, and I'll admit that I had a tiny crush on him, but then he ended up taking advantage of me physically. It Jeopardized my relationship with Nick, his girlfriend at the time caught us and took her anger out on me by spreading the word to everyone I work with. Fucked up shit.
So yeah. Obviously I'm fed up. I'm done trying to please everyone around me, and I'm tired of passive aggressive, needy bullshit. I am starting to let people know what I am thinking. If I don't appreciate their behavior, I am now more likely to confront them about it. Done. Middle fingers in the air. Fuck everyone. Done. Screw you all. Done.
No, I haven't given up on friendship. I'll just keep the good ones around, and send the shitty ones away. I feel a lot more secure and confident, and I don't have to try being friends with everyone. I'm still going to be nice to people, unless they disrespect me. In fact, I'm finding that I really dislike a lot of people haha. That's okay with me.
So, what am I doing with my life right now?
Waiting.... I'm in idle right now, yet I'm super busy all the time because of work. I say I'm in "idle" because I'm not going to school this fall. I'm actually waiting to see if I get accepted into Sac State! Yeah, I'm not certain if I will get in sadly. Perhaps it's my lack of confidence... I mean sure, my transcript shows that I have taken all the required courses and received the proper grades and GPA, but what if they decide to recruit a more promising applicant? Plus with the application, I *think* I filled out everything correctly, but I didn't have any help, so there might be mistakes. Also, I'm not sure if I should be signing up for financial aid now, or what? Maybe I'll find out in October when they tell me if I'm in or not. Who knows? I'm probably over-stressing about it. Meh. If I don't get in, I will try not to let it bother me too much. In fact, I might just suck it up and go back to Sierra to study some more, and maybe clean up my GPA. Yeah, it sucks...2.45. I played around too much when I should have been working. I like to think I am smart and full of potential, but I definitely lack the essential discipline for this. :( Just have to try harder, and not let my emotions interfere. Loneliness is my enemy. People always ask me if I want to hang out, and I feel pressured to do it, even when I have a shit ton of work to get done. Honestly, now, if a so called "friend" doesn't care if I have studying to do and still asks me to hang out, fuck them. I will just cry to Nick, haha.
Something I feel that I am learning in 2015 - How to discriminate.
Might sound bad, but it's the best thing that has ever happened.
I used to get down on myself because I am quiet, and I thought that there was something totally wrong with me because unlike my peers who just latch themselves right onto people and make friends, I have a hard time establishing connections. This year, I feel like I'm better at getting to know people, and I've made friends with people at work that I can hang out with after business hours, and needless to say, it feels great. To keep a long story short, not everyone is who you think they are. Someone, whom I thought was really neat, easy to talk to, and also shared a lot in common with me, caused me a ton of grief. I was excited to be his friend, and hang out with him, and I'll admit that I had a tiny crush on him, but then he ended up taking advantage of me physically. It Jeopardized my relationship with Nick, his girlfriend at the time caught us and took her anger out on me by spreading the word to everyone I work with. Fucked up shit.
So yeah. Obviously I'm fed up. I'm done trying to please everyone around me, and I'm tired of passive aggressive, needy bullshit. I am starting to let people know what I am thinking. If I don't appreciate their behavior, I am now more likely to confront them about it. Done. Middle fingers in the air. Fuck everyone. Done. Screw you all. Done.
No, I haven't given up on friendship. I'll just keep the good ones around, and send the shitty ones away. I feel a lot more secure and confident, and I don't have to try being friends with everyone. I'm still going to be nice to people, unless they disrespect me. In fact, I'm finding that I really dislike a lot of people haha. That's okay with me.