crash
This weekend I was supposed to go up to Prescott, AZ for a camping trip with probably 30 other people from the Korean church. I don't really know them too well and last week I came to the revelation that I don't have many friends and that maybe it was because I'm so shy at first. I never realized that some people are really turned off by that, when I'm thinking that the loud, obnoxious people are the people that are harder to approach and more intimidating. I freaked out because I was afraid I wouldn't make any friends if I move to Korea and therefore not have any fun/ experience alot. Anyways, I decided to go to make new friends and get over my shyness. I planned on being outgoing and fun. I already felt comfortable with them since i've hungout with them a couple times before. The trip sounded like we could bond even more. But something unexpected happened...
On the way we had to go off road so it was really bumpy. I was in the backseat of the last car. It couldn't really handle it so we went alot slower than everyone else. After a couple of miles we lost sight of the other cars and so I guess the driver thought he should speed up a little.Then all i remember is the car spinning out of control and the driver swerving to regain control but it resulted in us driving off into the field and crash landing into a tree trunk. I remember closing my eyes and everything was so black. When i opened them I saw airbags deployed and smoke coming out of it and the broken glass. I thought it was a dream but I knew it wasn't when I felt pain all over my chest. I found it hard to breathe so my first thought was maybe I had a broken rib, or what if somethings wrong with my heart or lungs? I tried to say something but the wind was knocked out of me so all I could let out was a low "uhhhh." I couldnt even recognize my own voice so I just kept making the same noise. As this was happening the driver asked if we were ok. He came around and opened our doors. I got out and tried to mutter words like "call someone." But we were in the middle of nowhere and theres no signal.
Luckily a couple on a four wheeler came by and asked if we were ok. They told us to sit down on a nearby log and gave us water. I tasted blood in my mouth and found my gums to be bleeding. (Later I found the side of my tongue cut up). A truck that came by said that they would go back on the trail and use a landline to call 911. The couple asked us if we were with the group ahead and we said yes. So they went to go notify them. Luckily (again) the rest of the group didn't keep going and stopped on the side of the road when the realized that our car there. Two cars came but my brother wasn't in one of them so they told me to get in the car and go to the group but as we were going two more cars were going in the opposite direction. I waited while everyone was staring with worried faces and I just started to cry. But the girl who was in the passenger seat was next to me and told me i'll be ok and not to cry. My brother soon came and asked me if I was ok. We went back to the accident site and waited for people to come. I think a park ranger came and some cops. And then paramedics and an ambulance. and even a HELICOPTER. They checked us out and put stickers on me and hooked me up to a machine and couldn't find anything wrong with me. My pulse was apparently racing. The lady wanted to put me on a stretcher and take me in the ambulance but my brother said no since it would be more expensive. We just decided to go in our own car and drive to Flagstaff which is like 40 mins away. On the ride there I tried to stay calm but was worried. I kept thinking "should i have taken the ambulance? What if something happens to me on the way?" The chest pain was still hurting.
We went into urgent care. I got x-rays and the docter said nothing was broken. He gave me a backbrace thats supposed to keep my ribcage up. He also prescribed me ibuprofen. Since we had signal now we notified my parents. I texted and called Kaimi to tell him I loved him and what happened. He just told me "if you were going to die you'd be dead already"....really comforting, thanks.
Its wierd the thoughts that go into your head in moments like these. I just kept thinking about all the stuff I haven't done but always planned to do. I thought about the embarrasing things people would find in my room. Like my journals or lists that I tend to write (i write a lot of lists: lists of stuff to do, to buy, etc). I thought about how materialistic the world is and how none of that matters in the end. What matters is how you've lived your life and the impact you've had on others. I always thought that I wasn't afraid of death because in a existential way, I believed that nothing came after death so why be afraid of nothing. Now...its not that i'm afraid of death...I'm afraid of not being able to tell all the people I care about that I love them. Not being able to fulfill all the things I want to do. I've decided that I'm not going to hold back. I'm going to do what I love. I'm not going to hold grudges or hate people because that is wasted energy and a waste of time. Time is so precious and we should all spend it wisely and to the fullest.
The aftermath is: we went back to the camp. I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to participate in games or drink or get to know everyone. But i still hid the pain that I was in and joked around and talked to people. I didn't want to dampen people's spirits. In the morning I woke up as the sun was rising and the sky looked beautiful. I couldn't really take pictures but I followed this one guy who also likes photography. He told me how his mom is a professional and taught him when he was really young. I liked the trees and the field there. Didn't seem like arizona. When I got home I took a shower and I guess since I kept all my pain and emotion bottled up it just all came out HOWEVER when I cried it hurt my chest because I was inhaling very deeply. And it made me cry more from the sharp pains. I'm just very emotional right now because I'm keeping it inside. I never knew how much it just plain sucks when you need a good cry and to let it out but you can't because it physically hurts. ugh. And I keep finding new bruises everyday. I bruised my chest all over, my abdominal (basically everywhere in the shape of where the seatbelt was), my hip, my finger and hand, a little scrape on my ankle, my back, and more. I'm just so glad that it wasn't worse....
On the way we had to go off road so it was really bumpy. I was in the backseat of the last car. It couldn't really handle it so we went alot slower than everyone else. After a couple of miles we lost sight of the other cars and so I guess the driver thought he should speed up a little.Then all i remember is the car spinning out of control and the driver swerving to regain control but it resulted in us driving off into the field and crash landing into a tree trunk. I remember closing my eyes and everything was so black. When i opened them I saw airbags deployed and smoke coming out of it and the broken glass. I thought it was a dream but I knew it wasn't when I felt pain all over my chest. I found it hard to breathe so my first thought was maybe I had a broken rib, or what if somethings wrong with my heart or lungs? I tried to say something but the wind was knocked out of me so all I could let out was a low "uhhhh." I couldnt even recognize my own voice so I just kept making the same noise. As this was happening the driver asked if we were ok. He came around and opened our doors. I got out and tried to mutter words like "call someone." But we were in the middle of nowhere and theres no signal.
Luckily a couple on a four wheeler came by and asked if we were ok. They told us to sit down on a nearby log and gave us water. I tasted blood in my mouth and found my gums to be bleeding. (Later I found the side of my tongue cut up). A truck that came by said that they would go back on the trail and use a landline to call 911. The couple asked us if we were with the group ahead and we said yes. So they went to go notify them. Luckily (again) the rest of the group didn't keep going and stopped on the side of the road when the realized that our car there. Two cars came but my brother wasn't in one of them so they told me to get in the car and go to the group but as we were going two more cars were going in the opposite direction. I waited while everyone was staring with worried faces and I just started to cry. But the girl who was in the passenger seat was next to me and told me i'll be ok and not to cry. My brother soon came and asked me if I was ok. We went back to the accident site and waited for people to come. I think a park ranger came and some cops. And then paramedics and an ambulance. and even a HELICOPTER. They checked us out and put stickers on me and hooked me up to a machine and couldn't find anything wrong with me. My pulse was apparently racing. The lady wanted to put me on a stretcher and take me in the ambulance but my brother said no since it would be more expensive. We just decided to go in our own car and drive to Flagstaff which is like 40 mins away. On the ride there I tried to stay calm but was worried. I kept thinking "should i have taken the ambulance? What if something happens to me on the way?" The chest pain was still hurting.
We went into urgent care. I got x-rays and the docter said nothing was broken. He gave me a backbrace thats supposed to keep my ribcage up. He also prescribed me ibuprofen. Since we had signal now we notified my parents. I texted and called Kaimi to tell him I loved him and what happened. He just told me "if you were going to die you'd be dead already"....really comforting, thanks.
Its wierd the thoughts that go into your head in moments like these. I just kept thinking about all the stuff I haven't done but always planned to do. I thought about the embarrasing things people would find in my room. Like my journals or lists that I tend to write (i write a lot of lists: lists of stuff to do, to buy, etc). I thought about how materialistic the world is and how none of that matters in the end. What matters is how you've lived your life and the impact you've had on others. I always thought that I wasn't afraid of death because in a existential way, I believed that nothing came after death so why be afraid of nothing. Now...its not that i'm afraid of death...I'm afraid of not being able to tell all the people I care about that I love them. Not being able to fulfill all the things I want to do. I've decided that I'm not going to hold back. I'm going to do what I love. I'm not going to hold grudges or hate people because that is wasted energy and a waste of time. Time is so precious and we should all spend it wisely and to the fullest.
The aftermath is: we went back to the camp. I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to participate in games or drink or get to know everyone. But i still hid the pain that I was in and joked around and talked to people. I didn't want to dampen people's spirits. In the morning I woke up as the sun was rising and the sky looked beautiful. I couldn't really take pictures but I followed this one guy who also likes photography. He told me how his mom is a professional and taught him when he was really young. I liked the trees and the field there. Didn't seem like arizona. When I got home I took a shower and I guess since I kept all my pain and emotion bottled up it just all came out HOWEVER when I cried it hurt my chest because I was inhaling very deeply. And it made me cry more from the sharp pains. I'm just very emotional right now because I'm keeping it inside. I never knew how much it just plain sucks when you need a good cry and to let it out but you can't because it physically hurts. ugh. And I keep finding new bruises everyday. I bruised my chest all over, my abdominal (basically everywhere in the shape of where the seatbelt was), my hip, my finger and hand, a little scrape on my ankle, my back, and more. I'm just so glad that it wasn't worse....