Feet And Other Beginings
I mentioned Unraveling in my last post; the online photography course I'm taking. Each week we get a new photography assignment, and also a writing assignment. This first week, the photography part was to photograph our feet, the foundation of our bodies, and reveal something about ourselves within the photos. My photo is at the end of the entry.
The writing assignment was a little different. We were supposed to make a list of the top 10-20 most important turning points in our lives, starting with being born. This one was a little hard for me... not in thinking of different momentous occasions, but just limiting it to 10-20. So in the spirit of journaling and revealing myself, here is my list:
1. Being born.
2. Getting Rocky, my first dog, when I was 5. He was my friend until I was 19, when he died of kidney failure. He's now tattooed on my right ankle.
3. My parents divorce when I was 17. Feeling my world as I knew it completely shatter, feeling that the people I trusted the most utterly betrayed and abandoned me. While I was already an anxious and emotional child, this cemented a lot of negativity in me and began what I now know as my Trust Issues.
4. Meeting my now ex-husband. While it didn't work out, it still is part of the journey I've taken which led to me ending up here, so it's not all bad.
5. Meeting Juli and becoming incredible friends with her almost instantly. I had someone to talk to, who understood me. We also had a photo shoot together which was so fun and fed that desire in me.
6. Getting Calantha, the first dog of my own. My sweet, gentle, soul-mate dog. I love her.
7. Adopting Dante, my sweet prince of a cat. Seeing how traumatized he had been and how damaged in some ways, but that he was still willing to try and trust. He trusted me. And over the 14 months I had him, I actually saw his spirit heal. He got to be a normal cat for a while and experience love.
8. Finding out Dante had cancer. This was the most unfair thing I could imagine. My poor boy had spent so many years abused and neglected, and once he finally had a loving home and was healing in his spirit, his body got sick and he died. This planted some of the seeds for my falling out with religion, and also put me in a very dark place for a long time after.
9. Meeting my second boyfriend, feeling like someone understood me, and that there was perhaps some hope to living.
10. Divorcing my ex husband. Standing up for myself in the first very big way, when standing up for myself even in small ways was so hard. This one act influenced me so greatly. It helped hone my sense of instinct and trust in myself, and gave me the knowledge that sometimes you have to do very scary things, even if you don't know how they'll end. This also started me being able to assert myself more... something I still struggle with, but I'm so much better than I used to be.
11. Meeting and shooting with Geoff for the first time. Modeling was something that had been something of a secret passion for me for a long time, but with Geoff I really felt like I was good at it. He made me feel truly beautiful, and sexy, in a way I never had before. I felt like he understood my beauty. Once I shot with him I knew I had to have more, both of him, and of modeling.
12. Breaking up with the second boyfriend, for reasons I'm still not entirely clear on. I thought I'd felt alone and unsteady after the first breakup, but I felt utterly devastated after that one.
13. Beginning a romantic relationship with Geoff. He was so different than anyone I'd been with, and he was exactly what I needed. He understood me. He saw my uniqueness and instead of wanting me to change, loved me for what makes me me. But he also challenged me and encouraged me to grow. He helps me stand on my own feet, but insists that I do stand. I felt like I've grown so much more over the two years we've been together than at any other point in my life. He makes me feel loved. I'm finally starting to believe he won't abandon me; a hard concept for me to accept. He has helped me start to heal from my trust issues.
14. Not identifying myself as a Christian anymore. Letting myself not know exactly what I believe anymore, and knowing that's ok... and that I'll figure it out.
15. Having an incredible pain start in my right flank, and spending the next four months trying to figure out what it was... and learning it was medullary sponge kidney, and that there was no good way to make it stop.
16. Realizing that at my core, I am an artist, and I should embrace that. That is the direction my life should go in. And while it's still not where I want it to be, knowing that is half the battle.
17. Moving to Los Angeles and in with Geoff. I love the intertwining of our lives. Living in Los Angeles is a challenge and a headache, but I love that we're together every day now.
18. Learning I can take my own self portraits, and how very artistically satisfying that is.
19. Being diagnosed with chronic fatigue. Having my decade of tiredness finally validated, but feeling like I was being saddled with yet another incurable illness.
20. Experiencing EFT and Reiki for the first time a few weeks ago. I've had a long interest in Reiki, but many people in my church world talked me out of pursuing it, as it was too new agey for them. But once I felt it for myself, I knew it was something else I'm supposed to be involved in.
And that brings us right up to the present. I had my third EFT/Reiki session last night, and the woman, Patti, who does it brought me a book for the Reiki class she teaches. She knows I don't have the money to take her class right now, but she gave me the book anyway to start reading it, so that whenever I do have the money, I'll be prepared. As I started flipping through it, I could feel the windless wind of my intuition thrumming yes, yes, yes, do this, yes, yes. Anything that produces that strong of a reaction in me is something I have to follow.
And it's also lead me to break up with my therapist. I can only afford to see one of them; my therapist or Patti, my EFT/Reiki lady. I've been in therapy for over a year, and while I feel like we've made progress, I also feel like we've gotten to a point where not much is happening anymore. I wonder if part of that is due to lack of desire from my therapist for me to actually get over my main issue. But when I go see Patti, I feel SO different afterward. I feel alive. I feel hopeful. My issues are getting resolved, and within weeks, not months or years. I feel in control of myself and my life. I feel positive. It's an amazing change for me. So if I can only do one, that's the one I'm going to do.
The writing assignment was a little different. We were supposed to make a list of the top 10-20 most important turning points in our lives, starting with being born. This one was a little hard for me... not in thinking of different momentous occasions, but just limiting it to 10-20. So in the spirit of journaling and revealing myself, here is my list:
1. Being born.
2. Getting Rocky, my first dog, when I was 5. He was my friend until I was 19, when he died of kidney failure. He's now tattooed on my right ankle.
3. My parents divorce when I was 17. Feeling my world as I knew it completely shatter, feeling that the people I trusted the most utterly betrayed and abandoned me. While I was already an anxious and emotional child, this cemented a lot of negativity in me and began what I now know as my Trust Issues.
4. Meeting my now ex-husband. While it didn't work out, it still is part of the journey I've taken which led to me ending up here, so it's not all bad.
5. Meeting Juli and becoming incredible friends with her almost instantly. I had someone to talk to, who understood me. We also had a photo shoot together which was so fun and fed that desire in me.
6. Getting Calantha, the first dog of my own. My sweet, gentle, soul-mate dog. I love her.
7. Adopting Dante, my sweet prince of a cat. Seeing how traumatized he had been and how damaged in some ways, but that he was still willing to try and trust. He trusted me. And over the 14 months I had him, I actually saw his spirit heal. He got to be a normal cat for a while and experience love.
8. Finding out Dante had cancer. This was the most unfair thing I could imagine. My poor boy had spent so many years abused and neglected, and once he finally had a loving home and was healing in his spirit, his body got sick and he died. This planted some of the seeds for my falling out with religion, and also put me in a very dark place for a long time after.
9. Meeting my second boyfriend, feeling like someone understood me, and that there was perhaps some hope to living.
10. Divorcing my ex husband. Standing up for myself in the first very big way, when standing up for myself even in small ways was so hard. This one act influenced me so greatly. It helped hone my sense of instinct and trust in myself, and gave me the knowledge that sometimes you have to do very scary things, even if you don't know how they'll end. This also started me being able to assert myself more... something I still struggle with, but I'm so much better than I used to be.
11. Meeting and shooting with Geoff for the first time. Modeling was something that had been something of a secret passion for me for a long time, but with Geoff I really felt like I was good at it. He made me feel truly beautiful, and sexy, in a way I never had before. I felt like he understood my beauty. Once I shot with him I knew I had to have more, both of him, and of modeling.
12. Breaking up with the second boyfriend, for reasons I'm still not entirely clear on. I thought I'd felt alone and unsteady after the first breakup, but I felt utterly devastated after that one.
13. Beginning a romantic relationship with Geoff. He was so different than anyone I'd been with, and he was exactly what I needed. He understood me. He saw my uniqueness and instead of wanting me to change, loved me for what makes me me. But he also challenged me and encouraged me to grow. He helps me stand on my own feet, but insists that I do stand. I felt like I've grown so much more over the two years we've been together than at any other point in my life. He makes me feel loved. I'm finally starting to believe he won't abandon me; a hard concept for me to accept. He has helped me start to heal from my trust issues.
14. Not identifying myself as a Christian anymore. Letting myself not know exactly what I believe anymore, and knowing that's ok... and that I'll figure it out.
15. Having an incredible pain start in my right flank, and spending the next four months trying to figure out what it was... and learning it was medullary sponge kidney, and that there was no good way to make it stop.
16. Realizing that at my core, I am an artist, and I should embrace that. That is the direction my life should go in. And while it's still not where I want it to be, knowing that is half the battle.
17. Moving to Los Angeles and in with Geoff. I love the intertwining of our lives. Living in Los Angeles is a challenge and a headache, but I love that we're together every day now.
18. Learning I can take my own self portraits, and how very artistically satisfying that is.
19. Being diagnosed with chronic fatigue. Having my decade of tiredness finally validated, but feeling like I was being saddled with yet another incurable illness.
20. Experiencing EFT and Reiki for the first time a few weeks ago. I've had a long interest in Reiki, but many people in my church world talked me out of pursuing it, as it was too new agey for them. But once I felt it for myself, I knew it was something else I'm supposed to be involved in.
And that brings us right up to the present. I had my third EFT/Reiki session last night, and the woman, Patti, who does it brought me a book for the Reiki class she teaches. She knows I don't have the money to take her class right now, but she gave me the book anyway to start reading it, so that whenever I do have the money, I'll be prepared. As I started flipping through it, I could feel the windless wind of my intuition thrumming yes, yes, yes, do this, yes, yes. Anything that produces that strong of a reaction in me is something I have to follow.
And it's also lead me to break up with my therapist. I can only afford to see one of them; my therapist or Patti, my EFT/Reiki lady. I've been in therapy for over a year, and while I feel like we've made progress, I also feel like we've gotten to a point where not much is happening anymore. I wonder if part of that is due to lack of desire from my therapist for me to actually get over my main issue. But when I go see Patti, I feel SO different afterward. I feel alive. I feel hopeful. My issues are getting resolved, and within weeks, not months or years. I feel in control of myself and my life. I feel positive. It's an amazing change for me. So if I can only do one, that's the one I'm going to do.