(no subject)
I haven't posted in a long time. where do I begin? my alleged relationship of almost 4 years has ended. it ended in mid january but I don't feel like going into it just yet. I have so much on my plate and I want to break down and just cry all the time. My future is riding on this summer semester. I got enforced withdrawl so I took the spring semester off and am now paying my summer semester. I work at walmart and work has been very stressful staying to the wee hours of the morning...one day I went in at 2pm and didn't leave until 545am because company was coming the next day. I'm so fed up but I need to pay summer school. If I can't get past this organic chemistry then I have no future anymore. This is my third attempt and I even hired a tutor. It just won't stick to my head. I don't know what to do anymore my future relies on this one course and I can't get past it. Give me anything but organic chemistry!!! Grad school deadline in oct. I don't know what to do but I admit my grades have been improving since what I took last time, but not where I need them to be. I spend too much emphasis on other areas of this course and then it's not even on the damn exam because he changes his mind! There is no review sheet but some small ten question homework. It's his first time teaching the course. :( I don't know what to do anymore. I think my body is catching up with me though. Those days of drinking alcohol and doing drugs. I wake up every morning nauseated, congested, and I feel like throwing up. I found out my friend Brenda well her liver is shot to hell. She's only 25 and has cirrosis of the liver!! She got married to some guy shes known since she was 15 and he beat her up. He recently beat her up again and she has two black eyes & bruises all over. She finally got some sense into her and went into rehab. She called me yesterday felt good to hear her voice again. Visitation is only on the weekend and I just started working weekends again so I could have some time off in the week to study. So I took up smoking to help with these headaches I get every day. I had been to the e.r. last year twice and had to get an iv everytime. Had a mri and a cat scan but nothing serious showed up. Got put on stronger meds but they don't work so had to settle for herbal remedy. The way work has been stressing me out now I smoke every day. Dated a couple of guys but they're all the same seems like there's no one of substance around anymore. Started talking to this one guy again but he moved to s.a. He's such a sweetheart but I feel myself becoming guarded. I get scared because who wants to hurt, again? Since my bf of last yr didn't want to get a job I had to move back in with the rents to save on some cash. It just seemed so convienent that when we broke up the next day he met some girl. Didnt' take long for them to get together and I asked him to just tell me the truth if they were talking when we were together and he said no. He sure did give me all this shit though over some status comment I posted about sleeping in someone's arms only because I was bitter that he posted pictures of them together. So he could move on but he wanted me to stay sad and single forever? made no sense. I started getting phone calls early/late in the day/night and he would cry. Tell me mean things and I could point out what he was doing but it was like talking to a wall because I was in the wrong. We broke up mid jan mind you and he was already when this girl in early feb. My cousin died in early feb and I invited him to go with me because afterall he was my best friend before we got together. So we go to the funeral and he comforts me but not like a friend a boyfriend. I tried to keep some distance but hed just get closer. So the inevitable happened we had sex the night before the funeral and after the funeral. Why did I give in? Because I loved him. Only to get told that he was with her and we couldn't be friends anymore. So now every other month he'll call me private and sometimes I answer but he doesn't say anything. We had broken up before but never this long and I had asked at one point why he'd call private and never say anything. He said because I needed to hear your voice. ehhhhhhh now it's just sounds like bullshit. I'll just end here I think I'm done ranting because I feel like I could go on forever talking about him. I just want to slice him up or hang up to catch his blood in bottles. lmao just kidding or am i? :D