dear lj,
of whom I haven't written to in a looooooooooooooooong while. I haven't even been able to write what I've been feeling. It happened June 6th, 2009 it was a night I thought was just like any other. I received a phone call from my mother telling me to go to the hospital because my cousin cris was in an accident. I didn't think at the time that it was anything serious you know just few bum scratches or a bruised rib, but he would be okay....that we would laugh it off. That I would see him smiling and reassuring me he was okay. I arrived at the hospital with that perspective inside my mind only to find out......he was.....DEAD! My big family was all crammed up in the hospital going in small groups to see my cousin. I felt my throat go dry and I didn't really want to talk. My cousin Desirey hugged me and we talked for a bit. I could hear my Aunt Alice screaming with sobbing tears. My heart hurt because I could feel for her....her baby boy is dead...SIGH.....almost all of my family had already seen Cris...I asked around but wanted someone close to me to go in with me. I asked my father and held my hand as we entered the room. The room white as ever with 4 walls and my father pulled the sheet back from my cousin cris's head. I suddenly felt the wind knocked out of me....I got weak and wanted to faint...my father helped me to the chair in the corner...I began to cry and the memories that we shared ran through my head then there was a halt...there would be no more memories to make...He was only 20 and we were going to celebrate his 21st bday in Sept......Sigh...I sat there in that seat for a good half hour until I could stand I looked at his face...his tattoos...I would no longer be able to see his smiling face back at me...I would no longer run into him in the city or at a show...it was gone...he was gone...due to a drunk driver...a 19yr old with 3 other minors in the back seat and a 20 pack of budlight.....I couldn't even describe what I felt....While in the other room lay my cousin's friend Seth...he was badly injured and ended up being stable through the night....I still cry and think of my cousin cris till this day...the funeral was a dragged out process by the time we got his body so it could be ready for the funeral...this guy lived his life and had traveled...impacted so many people that his funeral was HUGE....jammed pack....the funeral car line was insanely long...I felt touched...My aunt asked me to write a poem for my cousin's funeral and I did. It was hard at first trying to write down what all these years had yielded and I somehow after a few drafts jotted it all down. I even cut stanzas but as hard as I tried that day to hold back my tears to read this poem to my cousin they came out. I can't even recall if the words I was speaking came out clear because I couldn't hold back...it all came out....sigh my cousin marche and I sang an old song as they lowered his casket into the ground....This day is still in my mind never vivid...and I keep trying to tell myself I won't run into him....It's just been so hard that after the funeral I kept asking God to take me away....I shouldve been the one to die because my cousin was so young and he was living his life to the fullest. These days I don't feel worthy enough of anything. I feel like I'm losing myself and my body is literally failing me. I have a ct scan next week and my head hurts so bad that I want to shoot it off. My arm is still bruised it's almost two weeks from when I went to the E.R. and well I don't want to be here. So I continue to pray and keep on with my life cause I know my cousin would want that. I don't know how long I'm going to live with this pain because I miss him so much. My aunt called me the other day to let me know they had uploaded my cousin cris's funeral videos on youtube and as soon as I watched them I began to cry. My aunt started to cry and I was trying to be strong for her....I can't even express....sigh. On a side note, Seth is going better and undergoing rehab. I hope he'll be out soon...recovery though is in site which is good...my prayers go out to you, seth. Though I still miss you, Cris. I'm going to try to keep on for you even though it's hard. I feel like an 80 yr old woman...I pray that next week they don't find a tumor or something. Otc meds don't work and I got put on midrin....well now that's not working as great....SIGH.....I love you and miss you so much Cris Isaac. <3 RIP and I know you'll be saving me a place. Hope to see you soon. You are greatly missed but never forgotten....forever remembered. I LOVE YOU.