(no subject)
What's wrong with me? Well, I know I definitely have depression, though the 'symptoms' aren't exactly those of post partum depression. Either way, the other day when I went for my 6 week post partum check up, I told my doctor about my 'symptoms' and he put me on anti-depressants. They never really worked in the past when I was on them, so why now?! Eh, my insurance covers them so it's not like I have to pay a fortune for them. Why not try.
I put it in a cut so those who don't care don't have to read it. lol Anyway, if you do care, which you do if you clicked that, than read at your own risk. Krissie's whining is below. lol
I've pretty much stayed in my new room (which used to be the living room) since May when Rui & I broke up. I hardly went into my old room, just because it was too filled with memories for me. The break up in itself caused me to go into a deep depression and I didn't really think going into the room would help.
I thought I was over it, I thought I was back to normal, so I decided to go into the room and use my old computer when my laptop had broken. (Still is!) I really had no problem going in there and staying in there, but the problem started when I turned my computer on and saw that I never deleted his user thing on my computer. The problem continued when I went onto my desktop and went to open a file. It took me right to where I didn't want to be. It took me to a folder with pictures of him and I when I was in school, and last christmas, and also had the songs that he had downloaded on my computer last year. I just started to think about things again and I couldn't stop crying for hours.
After that, I just kept thinking about even more. Thank GOD October 27th didn't bring any memories...that would have been our one year anniversary...but Thanksgiving brings memories, November 27th does, Christmas...and then the day I found out I was pregnant also brings memories. I don't know. I just think about everything that I shouldn't; everything in the past. Could it be that I still love him? I don't want to. I want my feelings to magically dissappear...I mean, he hurt me in so many ways. Why could I still love him!?
I never really thought about this reminder before, but now even my daughter reminds me of him. I mean, she should because he's her father, but she just looks like me as a baby so sometimes it's easy to just...nto think about him. But now I just think about how everything I wanted for her was ruined. When I first found out I was pregnant, though it wasn't planned, I still knew he was going to stick by me. I knew my daughter would have a father and I knew she'd have a great life unlike me who grew up without a father. Now it's looking like she'll have more of a life like I did after all. It was all ruined. I want her to have a father. I just find it so unfair. She never did anything to deserve this.
I just feel so depressed and down it's not even funny. And the only person I want to really talk to isn't there for me. He said he'd be there for me. He promised me. He said that we were best friends and that if we couldn't be anything else right now, he'd come and help me when he could, and he'd give me support. I wish he did stick to his words. He doesn't even answer his phone anymore. He knows who he is...I jsut need his support so badly right now.
Well, I got a job. I'm working at Bath & Body Works part time now. It's fun. I like it a lot. I just hate being away from Alayna, but my mom watches her and says she cries when I'm not around. :) That makes me happy. LOL! She loves me! Working is great.
I also took Alayna for her 6 week appt and it turns out she's a colic baby. UGH! I knew that but...lol I finally got her to calm down and sleep great tonight because I put her in her car seat in her carriage. Hey, if she sleeps somewhere without screaming, I'll do it.
I know I'm cutting this soooo short, but I'm so tired right now i'm about to fall over. :(