crashing
I've now been waiting almost two months for a psychiatric referral. Our couples therapist pretty much fired us, because we have too many individual issues that need to be addressed before she can work with us as a couple, and I can't seem to bring myself to care enough to contact my individual therapist.
I have been told I have an eating disorder. I've probably known this for years, but having someone else call it that, I think, gives me permission to think of it that way without feeling like I'm being overly dramatic. Basically, depression makes it difficult to do anything some days, but if I'm not working, and I don't do anything around the house, I don't deserve to eat. If I'm not earning money, I need to earn the food. But if I don't eat, then I don't have any energy, which makes it even harder to do anything. Vicious circle. Sometimes it "works", in that I push past being hungry until I'm not hungry anymore. Other times, of course, I get to a point where I cave, and eat way too much of exactly the wrong thing. This is why I'm overweight.
I've recently had to start considering the possibility that I may never have kids. Until a couple of months ago, I had always assumed it was just a matter of time. When we were "ready" we would have kids. Well, it looks like we're never going to be "ready". And I'm not just talking about the obvious financial issues - because the earliest we might possibly be able to do without my income for any appreciable amount of time is looking like 5-6 years. No, the problem is that he's come to the conclusion that anytime something is difficult, I cave. I quit, and either he has to finish what I started, or it never gets finished. This happened with the job I got in 2014. This has happened with our yard/garden. And how he's afraid it's going to happen with our child.
And I can't tell him he's wrong. He's not wrong.
The problem is that motherhood is pretty much the only longterm goal I have left. The others have all been either deferred or abandoned by now. I'll never be a teacher permanently. I can't be a professional singer. Hell, right now, I'm even having trouble being an amateur singer. Maybe it's my catholic upbringing talking, but as far as I'm concerned, it's the only reason why I'm married. So I can have someone to make and raise kids with. Without that, I don't even know what I'm doing here. Without that, I don't even know what's the point of me anymore.
I have been told I have an eating disorder. I've probably known this for years, but having someone else call it that, I think, gives me permission to think of it that way without feeling like I'm being overly dramatic. Basically, depression makes it difficult to do anything some days, but if I'm not working, and I don't do anything around the house, I don't deserve to eat. If I'm not earning money, I need to earn the food. But if I don't eat, then I don't have any energy, which makes it even harder to do anything. Vicious circle. Sometimes it "works", in that I push past being hungry until I'm not hungry anymore. Other times, of course, I get to a point where I cave, and eat way too much of exactly the wrong thing. This is why I'm overweight.
I've recently had to start considering the possibility that I may never have kids. Until a couple of months ago, I had always assumed it was just a matter of time. When we were "ready" we would have kids. Well, it looks like we're never going to be "ready". And I'm not just talking about the obvious financial issues - because the earliest we might possibly be able to do without my income for any appreciable amount of time is looking like 5-6 years. No, the problem is that he's come to the conclusion that anytime something is difficult, I cave. I quit, and either he has to finish what I started, or it never gets finished. This happened with the job I got in 2014. This has happened with our yard/garden. And how he's afraid it's going to happen with our child.
And I can't tell him he's wrong. He's not wrong.
The problem is that motherhood is pretty much the only longterm goal I have left. The others have all been either deferred or abandoned by now. I'll never be a teacher permanently. I can't be a professional singer. Hell, right now, I'm even having trouble being an amateur singer. Maybe it's my catholic upbringing talking, but as far as I'm concerned, it's the only reason why I'm married. So I can have someone to make and raise kids with. Without that, I don't even know what I'm doing here. Without that, I don't even know what's the point of me anymore.