Cup of Memories for twinsecrets
For: twinsecrets
From: anonymous for now
Title: Cup of Memories
Rating: G
Word count: 10,000 words
Summary: Kris wanted to leave and Baekhyun tried hard to understand him
Warning/s slight character zoning out
Notes: Hi fellow writer! Thank you for giving me this prompt. I tried so hard to put all the words floating in my head but everything was just everywhere. I hope you like this as this is my first time to write for a specific someone. LOL. But, I really, really hope you like this. Please enjoy reading it and I suggest you to read this while listening to EXO-K/EXO-M's Don't Go. (I know this is supposed to be a Thunder inspired fic but...yeah.. LOL) Thanks again!
Baekhyun loves his cup. It was worn out, a little chipped on the rim, kind of like Chip in the fairy tale Beauty and the Beast, but can still hold out. It was the only old cup he had in his cupboard full of junk. Sehun insisted on making him throw the cup seeing as it was hazardous to everyone's health, but Baekhyun made sure it was safely tucked inside. He never let anyone scratch it or even use it. He made sure it was clean every day. Only one person was allowed to touch it, let alone use it and that was Kris Wu.
---
"You need to let me go."
The bed looked small as numerous things were scattered all over. Baekhyun watched as clothes were put into his duffel bag and all his other essentials, leaving only those that he gave him. Kris’ back was turned on him, broad shoulders slightly slouched. He knew what Kris was feeling, but he didn’t want to believe it until he could make out if he was as devastated as he is. The hushed but uneven breathing gives him hope that deep inside, Kris feels all the pain this brings in his heart.
Kris stilled for a moment as if weighing the options of leaving something, someone precious behind, and Baekhyun had the decency of closing the gap between them as he reached out on the hem of Kris' white shirt. Kris regained his composure but only to gently shy away from Baekhyun's hold and get the things on his bedside table. Someone had to be strong for the two of them. Someone had to be mature.
Everything was taken, from his collection of Chrome Hearts rings to his huge-ass socks, his shaving cream to his minty mouthwash. He even brought the flying Angry Bird he bought in Hong Kong with him. Kim Jongdae’s smile will never see the light again.
He took everything except one old cup.
Baekhyun wanted to cry. He felt his heart threatening to jump out of his chest. His dream was slowly slipping away from his grasp like fine sand wanting to escape the palm of his hand. He desperately wanted to hold him close, to make him understand that it was always a part of the sacrifices he has to make; a clear written rule once you finally start your own life, to make him see that he can and will be the light he is trying to find. Baekhyun wanted him to realize that no matter what, challenges will always be a part of one’s life and he will always be there every step of the way. He wanted him to depend on him, to hold his hand every time they seem to be walking on a dead end. He wanted to, but Kris didn’t seem to understand that.
"If you're going away, you might as well take the cup with you. I don't need some nasty, tattered-looking cup." Baekhyun spat out as he tried to blink back his tears. Kris stopped packing and closed his eyes. Hearing Baekhyun say those words to that cup feels like daggers were thrown in his already crumbling heart. It made him think if all this is worth the pain he's causing Baekhyun. He knows despite the coldness of his words hitting him, there are silent pleas to never go and hold on to that tiny sliver of hope.
They say time heals all wounds, but would his heart even want to start healing? Every movement Kris does makes Baekhyun slowly break down to pieces seemingly impossible to put back together. Every breath he does decides to punch him straight to the gut, everything starts to shake his subconscious that all this is a harsh and bitter reality.
"Just.. Why? Aren't you happy with us?" Baekhyun's voice croaked as he tried to guard his own emotions. He wants to know why he had to do this, why he had to leave him behind. Millions of thoughts raced his mind, worst ideas popping up and scaring him but he needs to hear what he has to say. “We were happy, Jjanggu-ya.” The tears came unexpectedly quick and he feels like all the dinner he ate came rushing up his throat. The thought of living without him after this night was hauntingly dark and he never wants to experience it.
Kris almost lost it when he heard him speak his name, a nickname that only the two of them shared intimately. He needs to get out of this room fast and Baekhyun trying so hard to keep his sniffles at bay isn't helping him. "Don't call me that!" He growled. "Why are you so clingy, Baekhyun? Stop it. You’re making yourself look really pathetic. Grow up and stop following me like a lost puppy!” He widened his eyes when Baekhyun seemed to stop breathing. All the blood drained from his body and he feels like someone is gripping his heart so tight. It’s okay, Kris. This is for Baekhyun’s own good. You didn’t mean it but it will help him forget you. “Baekhyun, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I just.. just stop asking. You know why I'm doing this." He heaved a deep sigh and resumed packing up.
“No. No, I don’t! You won’t let me know! How can you do this to me?!” Baekhyun shouted as he threw a nearby pillow at him. “You, fucker! You selfish, gigantic asshole! Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to us?”
“Because this is the only way I can get away from you!”
Baekhyun’s breath hitched. Yelling was fine because Kris never yells but this was something new. He wanted to get away not because of the pressure but mainly because of him. Cold shivers travelled up Baekhyun’s spine as he tried to form words but he just can’t. His knees felt weak as his body slumped on the bed. Soft sobs escaped his mouth and his hands kept on playing with each other. He tried to breathe normally, just to make himself seem strong even if just for a little bit, but even pretending to breathe normally became too hard. Pretending to be okay would probably something he would have to perfect if he wants to go and move on. He really does wonder how people take on these emotions and how they even overcome this.
Kris watched him silently with tears pooling in his eyes. He wanted to go and hug him. He wanted to stroke his hair and hug him so tight, whisper words of comfort, never-ending 'I-love-you's that were never once said, and promises of a better tomorrow but he just stayed rooted at his spot, feet glued and legs feeling like heavy metal. Baekhyun was crying infront of him, even having uncontrollable tears now, but his body was frozen. He can’t touch Baekhyun. He can’t give him hope. He can’t do that to him because if he does, it would be giving him another opportunity to become weak and stay. He had been strong for years and sometimes, people need to take a step back and rest. He needs that time now. He breathed gently and finished packing.
“I’m sorry, Baekhyun. I need to go.”
--
Everyone acted like nothing was wrong, like no one was missing though lunch became awfully silent the next day. Tao kept on stabbing the food Kyungsoo prepared and he couldn’t even blame the kid for taking it out on the poor macaroni. He, too, was at a loss about Kris’ sudden leave. Joonmyeon’s face betrayed his emotions though. His face showed too much of the feelings he was trying to conceal to the people around him. He didn’t want to put anymore worry and pain to them but this is just too much. He was about to speak when Yixing called out his name.
“Joonmyeon-ah... Let’s just stop first, take a breath and think things through. Just, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt.” Yixing quietly spoke as he looked at each and everyone’s faces. "Okay?" He stopped at Baekhyun as he took notice of the dark circles and puffiness under his eyes. Baekhyun looked back at him and gave a small smile but quickly averted his gaze.
Zitao suddenly let out a soft sob as he angrily wiped his tears, "Why are my tears still falling? This is all his fault. All his fault." He repeated a thousand times over but the tears won't listen.
----
“Hey, I have a surprise for you.” His gummy smile showed all the happiness in the world Baekhyun had to blink again to stop himself from getting mesmerized with his smile. He gently pulled Baekhyun towards the Grizzly River Run, eyes looking like a kid getting his treat for being a good boy.
"Duizhang, this isn't even a surprise. It's in Disneyland." Baekhyun shook his head as a small smile made its way to his lips. "You are so cool and charismatic but just downright dumb I don't even know why I'm putting up with you." He muttered as he let himself get dragged to the ride. "Please remember we have no spare clothes so nope, I'm not riding that thing."
"Oh come on, you're such a girl. This is fun!" Kris even managed to slip in his most hated word which resulted to a very displeased Baekhyun glaring at him. "You do know that you still look cute even when you glare, right? So it's no use." He snickered.
"WHY AM I FRIENDS WITH YOU UGH!" Baekhyun shook off Kris' hold on him as he stomped towards the queue. "Just you wait, you gigantic oaf." He muttered softly as the line kept getting short. "That ass. I'm no girl. Why do people even keep on calling me that?" He stomped his foot as he showed the boy guarding the gate his all-access wrist pass. Kris merely chuckled as he followed Baekhyun, grinning like the ass that he is as he, too, showed the boy his all-access wrist pass.
"Hey, guys! We're still here if you haven't noticed." Joonmyeon shouted as he gently pushed everyone towards the Grizzly River Run ride. "So much for being the guardian. Hmph. You guys just use my kindness and abuse it like you abuse me. Why is life unfair?"
"Aww hyung, of course not. We love you as much as we love your card. We don't abuse you! We're good and respectful kids, right Sehunnie?" Zitao kept on nudging the boy beside him who has his lips pursed and eyebrows scrunched together. "Huang Zitao, stop nudging me I'm not in the mood for this. It's too hot! Where is Jongdae hyung? I need to ask him if he has a portable fan or any makeshift fan."
"Even Sehunnie doesn't believe you." Joonmyeon sulked as he was busy downing his chocolate bubble tea who seemed to have been in a state of shock as he realized that he wasn't even holding the bubble tea anymore. Sehun seemed to have developed a nasty habit of grabbing anything he liked and it made Joonmyeon laugh as he shook his head, easily forgiving the rudeness of the maknae.
As the group finally settled on the ride, Kris couldn't help but admire the little scowl gracing Baekhyun's face. Eyebrows knitted together, lines of worry and most probably fear curving his forehead and pink kitten lips pursed. Suddenly, the image of Jongdae hugging Baekhyun from behind earlier in the day popped up in his head and his whole face distorted, body stilling from any movement. Baekhyun seemed to notice as he slowly looked at Kris and awkwardly put his hand on his lap, fighting the small tremors his hand kept making. He finds it hard to resist Kris, whether it be his mood or just anything Kris-related. Kris slowly looked down and admired Baekhyun's fingers, how slender and long they look, wondering how they would fit his, how soft would it be. "Why is it that you are always so touchy with the others but you distance yourself to me?" Kris wanted to ask, maybe pull Baekhyun to someplace where they can really talk but decided it wasn't the best time for a serious conversation.
"Are you okay?" Baekhyun asked, eyes full of concern. Jongdae's whine and Zitao's laughter filled the air as he tried to tune them out, eyes only focusing on Kris'.
Kris almost forgot how honest Baekhyun’s eyes were. Everyone made fun of him for being so predictable but Kris always loved it about him. His eyes always looked so bright, like there isn’t anything to be sad of. He loved everything about Baekhyun but his eyes and his chubbiness are the only weaknesses he’s clearly afraid to let go of.
There were times Kris leans in for a whisper, forgetting that he needs a little distance from Baekhyun, just to be sure for feelings that should never have been there in the first place. Often times he finds himself slowly pulling Baekhyun towards him for a hug and he lets him go too quickly for his liking but slow enough not to raise any suspicions, making it seem like an awkward hug. He gets a little too close for comfort and Baekhyun doesn't mind, but Kris does. Sometimes his smiles would give away what he has been hiding, his eyes holding too much happiness that anyone with an eye could see how Baekhyun affects him. But before anyone tries to talk to him about it, he reverts back to his old self, his cold and charismatic image. And Baekhyun kept on wondering what this is, what is wrong with them. What is wrong with their set-up.
"Yeah, I was just wondering where I could get you a hairstylist since you'll probably be whining how wet and unruly your hair is later." Kris snickered as he felt Baekhyun slightly punch him on his bicep. The soft buzzing of the ride came to life and they were slowly let out on the man-made river.
--
After days of trying to understand, evading food and everyone else, Baekhyun came out of his room, life seemed to have left him. His brain automatically wired to look for actual food after pigging off of junk food and carbonated drinks, because yes he was still not desperate to the point that he might actually think mary jane is a baby powder, only to find out no one actually bothered to stay at home with him. Well, except for Jongin's pup, Monggu who seemed to share Baekhyun's feelings at the moment, looking so lost and...alone.
Hunger forgotten, he sat at the couch as Monggu bounced towards him, immediately pouncing on Baekhyun's lap, tail wagging. He smiled and it seemed his facial muscles froze as it felt foreign. He was known for always smiling, for always being the light but today, he can't even feel it on his own face.
Monggu barked as Baekhyun got out of his little trance and picked him up, gently cradling the little pup in his arms. "Where are your siblings? And where's your appa? Are you hungry? Did appa feed you?" He made Monggu lie down, his back on his thighs and legs springing up as he played with them. Monggu made a little yelp before barking as if to say yes his dear dad forgot to feed him. The little pup has always been close to Baekhyun, just like the other two dogs, but it seemed that he has always been Monggu's favorite samchon. Baekhyun chuckled as he remembered how Jongin would hit him for making Baekhyun teach his kids to respond to him when he tells them "kids, appa's here" instead of letting himself known by samchon. Suddenly, he thought of how Kris seemed to hide behind his back whenever Jongin's kids visit the dorm (because Kris likes dogs but vows to never touch them), running around and making noise as they become too playful to be with their dad who they only see sometimes once a month. Monggu barked as Baekhyun felt something wet trailing down his cheeks and he realized he was crying. "The fuck, man. Why am I not tired of crying for that ass?" He muttered as he harshly wiped away his tears. "Come here, Monggu-ya. I'm going to make us some food because your appa and your other samchondeul forgot there are two living beings here."
----
"Show me!" Baekhyun insisted as he laughed at how Kris was so ridiculous in thinking that he has a dance move that will beat Yixing's and Jongin's best routines. "You gotta show me this, Kris, or I won't believe you." Baekhyun continued to laugh obnoxiously loud.
"What? This?" Kris asked as the others crowded infront of them, shielding them from the view of others. Everyone was dancing but he couldn't hear what song was playing. Everyone was so loud in this night and everyone was enjoying. He was happy. He smiled as if discovering something life-changing, gummy smile reflecting that of a million reasons how Baekhyun affects him in more ways than one. He gently kneeled down, patted the floor and gently got up, smile still plastered on his face and eyes locked only to the other's brown orbs. Baekhyun laughed so hard but it didn't matter. Kris was enjoying every minute. "Duizhang how is that even a move?!"
"I don't know! Just let me believe I have at least a dancer's bone in my body, okay?" He laughed as he stretched out his hands, as if going to embrace the little man in front of him only to see Baekhyun slightly turning towards the left, still laughing but continued to dance together with the others, as if avoiding the impending hug. He didn't even think otherwise, didn't let his emotions paralyze his reasoning and take over himself, instead he let his arms drop a little while still smiling down at him. He can't talk to him, what with all the noise screaming at his ear and people watching their every move. He could talk to Baekhyun later, away from the cruel and prying eyes but all he wants to do right now is enjoy this dance with him, because this might be their last together.
----
"Are you full, Monggu-ya?" Baekhyun walked with Monggu as the little pup barked before jogging towards the living room's couch. Monggu had been fed and Baekhyun was proud he was able to feed another living thing besides himself. Kyungsoo always berated him for not taking care of himself properly and always reheating leftovers, or even burning the kitchen down but today, he became a grown-up. It turns out that becoming a grown-up was momentary seeing as Baekhyun once again found himself staring into space. Monggu tugged at his pant leg, softly dragging his favorite samchon to the couch so they could play together but Baekhyun felt his soul slowly leaving his body.
----
“Jjangu-ya! Stop! That tickles! Ya!” Baekhyun pulled his leg out of Kris’ grasp as the latter kept on laughing, holding on his tummy.
“God, that was hilarious. I swear I am going to hold your ankle more often.” Kris laughed as he tried to calm his heart, because Baekhyun squirming and blushing so hard for holding in his laughter is more entertaining than Running Man on TV.
“If you are going to play your sickeningly love game, can you please, please spare the rest of the group and go to your room? Jeez, people are trying to watch okay?” Zitao whined as he laid his head on Sehun’s shoulder. The others had retired for the night after a hectic schedule that day and all that was left was Jongdae who had been snickering and slapping Minseok's arm who was silently eating his nachos, smiling and feeding Jongdae from time to time.
“You should see yourself though, Zitao. Clinging to Sehun like the koala that you are. Oh, wait. You’re a panda. Hmm, do pandas even cling?” Baekhyun snickered as Zitao threw a pillow at him.
Kris smiled as he watched how Baekhyun continued teasing the Chinese maknae, eventually telling himself to console little Zitao’s whine when Baekhyun and the others go back to their dorm. It’s actually annoying how their dorms aren’t even apart by a building but only a floor and this makes Kris agitated knowing that Baekhyun has always been within arms’ reach but blocks away from his heart.
“You’ve been spacing out a lot recently, Duizhang. Is something bothering you? Is there something wrong?” Baekhyun’s soft whisper broke him out of his reverie as he fixed his gaze on the Korean’s small but captivating eyes. He realized everyone actually got quiet and focused on the TV, but when he looked, Sehun was sleeping soundly and Zitao’s eyes start to droop a little before actually shutting them. Jongdae somehow found a way to wound up his arms around Minseok as their feet kept on playing with each other, almost audibly whispering sweet nothings and hopeful promises. “Nothing. Come on, I’m going to show you something.” Kris stood up and stretched out his arm for Baekhyun to take to which the latter gladly took.
Kris’ room was both clean and disorganized. This is probably the effect of rooming with the oldies’ Minseok and Luhan. “Wow, Jjangu-ya, is this the oldies’ syndrome? Being clean yet disorganized? Or this was all you?” Baekhyun chuckled as he plopped down on the bed.
Kris was busy on his laptop, eyes glued to the screen and earphones on. His eyebrows furrowed as he kept on muttering “Where is it?” Baekhyun peered in but Kris was faster and he made Baekhyun stay seated in his seat, offering one of the earphones to him silently.
“You’re awfully quiet.” Baekhyun slowly reached for the earphone as he stuck them in his ear, a barely audible gasp as he heard soft but upbeat music flowing through his ears. He suddenly felt aware how close he had gotten, and Kris doesn’t mind. He doesn’t because he was sharing his guilty pleasure, his one and only companion through tough times, his dream to the person he believed who was equally important to him.
Music was what bound them together, made them know each other. He knew Kris loved music, but he didn’t know to this extent; making music on his own. He always knew the Chinese gege was capable of creating rap no matter how nonsense it is but humbly chooses not to share how much he loves creating soft melodies otherwise. Everyone knew Kris as the swag Chinese-Canadian guy who always had to incorporate hip-hop culture to whatever he says. No one knew how much he loved music, how much he owed to music. Except him.
And now, the silence shared between the two, soft melody flowing on top of their heads makes Baekhyun realize that there are so much things he needs to know about the leader and more secrets untold because no one actually bothered to break the imaginary walls Kris made for himself. He suddenly wondered if there were times he kept on pushing Kris to the limit, not knowing whether he was actually hurting him because the man never shows pain and grudges. He was too…kind for his own good.
“This is good. Really good.” Baekhyun secretly wiped the tears forming in his eyes as he sat down properly. He glanced at Kris who was busy fumbling on his laptop, probably making a few arrangements on the melody and Baekhyun couldn't help but blame himself, wishing that he was more cautious, more sensitive to the older's needs.
“Thanks.” Kris spoke shyly, head hanging low as he tried fixing the earphones back to its place. He was no Yixing and he cares for the wellness of his earphones getting enough oxygen to last another 5 months perhaps. “I just whipped some of the tunes and it became like this. Pretty cool, huh?” He smiled. Baekhyun took note how Kris was behaving anxiously, as if waiting for someone to reprimand him. He tried not to let it show but Baekhyun can see through the tough exterior. "This would be great if there are lyrics." He mused.
"Well, the thing is, I'm not that good in writing lyrics. I've tried but it just won't fit in." Kris stared off outside the window, as if recalling something. "Baekhyun, I-- I want to do what I want to do. It would be great if I can do something I love without people telling me it's not right or just outright unacceptable. It would be great to live in a place where no one will tell me to do this, do that. I'm not that hard to please and talk to, right? You do remember I liked that fried chicken when I haven't even eaten it in my entire 25 years of living, right? I'm not that hard to talk to. I just want people to talk to me and explain to me what's wrong. I want people to understand me." He seemed glued to his spot, eventually feeling tears in his eyes.
Baekhyun was about to say something when Kris let out the most shocking (and annoying) comment there ever existed: "I'm joking!" And started laughing as if nothing was really wrong. Baekhyun's heart skipped a bit because this wasn't a laughing matter. Kris just bared his soul to him. The most emotionally well-guarded person in all of South Korea (and most probably China) just let out his deepest desires to someone who didn't even look like he cared, to someone who sometimes didn't realize he was already hurting others with his stupid unfiltered mouth.
Kris was still laughing awfully loud when a pillow hit him square in the face. "Ya! That is not a laughing matter! How can you even say something so heart-wrenching but laugh it off like it doesn't fucking matter?!" Baekhyun slightly raised his voice to, I don't know, make a point perhaps.
Kris was shocked to say the least. He did not even think Baekhyun would actually care, but then again, he thought that no one seemed to care. "Come here, Baekhyun." Kris cooed to the younger as he made him scoot towards him. When Baekhyun seemed like he has no plans on moving, Kris moved closer to him. ”I want to feel free but this job is killing me. I don’t want to continue being a teacher, Baek. I want to produce music. But this doesn't mean that you won't be a part of it, the world I'm trying to enter, to fit in."
"Jjanggu-ya, don't you understand? It's not about me fitting in your life but it's about you. You close youself to other people, you build imaginary walls that only I.... and fine, Chanyeol, can see through that wall." Baekhyun let out, feeling tears pooling in his eyes. He doesn't know why tears kept on appearing everytime they have these conversations.”Help us help you, Kris.”
Kris let out a sigh as he wiped the tear that escaped shamelessly. For the record, Kris perfectly understood what Baekhyun meant but he is not going to admit that the petite boy was right. There is a difference to being honest and wanting to let someone in right in your life. "Baekhyun-ah, you are so sensitive." Kris chuckled as he ruffled Baekhyun's hair.
"That stupid asshole. If he wanted to start his own music company he should have told us! He should have told me! YOU ASS I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU WHEN I SEE YOU LI JIAHENG!!" Baekhyun suddenly screamed startling the poor pup in his lap.
Baekhyun suddenly stopped. Why is it that he cared so much for the scary tall man? Why did it seem like everyone seemed to hurt but only him that feels this uncertainty? Why did it seem that no matter how much he cursed Kris, it still boils down to that heart-squeezing moment that he feels he's going to stop breathing any moment? Why does he feel this when they aren't even together?
"Baekhyun! You're outside your room! Are you okay now? Baekhyun!!!"
Jongdae ran and shook the skinny frail boy's shoulders as soon as he noticed him sitting on the couch, slowly petting Monggu and staring into space while he set down his grocery paper bag. The sentimental boy jumped in his seat which led to Monggu, being startled yet again, jumping down from his lap and running towards his appa.
"Jongdae stop shouting. People can probably hear you from a 10-mile radius." Kyungsoo reprimanded the poor camel dino as he settled more of the groceries on top of the table. Jongdae almost lost it when he enveloped the other in a bone-crushing hug in which Baekhyun was basically giving them all a look that clearly said "where the hell have you all been, leaving two human beings to starve alone?" Well, he did voice them out.
"Where were you? Of all the days I decided not to starve, or probably die, no one is at home! How can you do this to me?!" Baekhyun stomped his feet as he went towards the dining table where Kyungsoo was busy fixing all the groceries in their proper shelf.
"Oh, I'm sorry Baekhyun. We actually tried to live a little. You know, going outside the dorm, breathing some fresh air, feeding and walking the dogs, maybe going to work! You know, things like that. You should try it sometime." Kyungsoo managed to say as he tried to balance a packet of celery, cabbage and doenjang in his left hand while carrying a tray of organic eggs on his right. He walked towards the fridge when Tao walked in holding two leashes on one hand and an Iced Americano on the other while Jjangah and Jjanggu scrambled inside towards Baekhyun.
How is Tao okay with this?! How!! Baekhyun thought as he crouched down to pet the pups' head. "Aww, did my babies miss appa?" Jjangah barked as she shifted her head to fit and rest under Baekhyun's palm. “Hey, for the record, I told my boss I’m going to be on personal leave!”
"Hyung! I told you stop calling yourself their appa! Kids, that stubborn old man is your samchon, okay?" Jongin walked in holding a bag of dog food and going all the way to the kitchen back room.
Baekhyun laughed as he picked up Jjangah with Jjanggu climbing his leg to at least be carried. "Aigoo, chincha yeppeoyo." Jjangah barked when Baekhyun suddenly stopped short. Yet again.
---
"Aigoo yeppeo Jjangah-ya. You want a treat from Kris Samchon?" Kris petted the fluffy white toy poodle as that precious gummy smile made way towards his face. It was this day that Kris finally learned that Jongin's kids do not bite skinny people. And so he is safe. "Hey, sometimes I wonder, were you a dog in your past life? Because seriously, you can replace Jjangah with your cuteness." Kris chuckled as he fed Jjangah all while still holding the pup.
"NO ONE REPLACES MY JJANGAH! ESPECIALLY NOT BAEKHYUN-HYUNG!" Jongin's scream echoed throughout the dorm.
Kris chuckled as he gave yet another kibble to Jjangah. He reached inside the dog food packet and stretched out his hands towards Baekhyun. "What?"
"I just wanted to feed you. You seemed so hungry." Kris smiled.
"God, Kris why are you so annoying?! I'm not a dog in my previous life! And neither will I be, okay?"
Kris laughed as he put down Jjangah to play with her other siblings and reunite with her father. "I wonder how it feels to have a dog. I didn't have one because Mom wouldn't allow it. When I came here in Korea, people were so.. unpredictable. Some thought I'm some homeless thief, some even thought I was just pity-partying since I'm taller than most people here. I was so lost to say the least. I didn't even know why I chose Korea to run away. I was just wandering. Until Luhan saw me. He must have thought I was Chinese so he immediately talked to me, asking me if I have a place to stay. Luhan was an angel and he will always be. I just feel like I'm a stray dog which he just found." Kris looked at Baekhyun who was staring at the ceiling. "Baekhyun! Were you even listening?"
Baekhyun kept silent as he continued to look at the ceiling. Millions of thoughts raced his mind and he was scared that if he opened his mouth to ask at least one of it, Kris might shut down. This was why Kris rarely talked to anybody else with the same depth and intensity. People who hear his voice and what he says have a tendency to overthink and let themselves swim in a pool full of possibilities and thoughts. And Kris knows that better than anyone else.
So it was a mystery to say the least that he opened up to this boy who seemed to not care about him. The only thing Kris didn't know was that this boy felt himself getting close to him, like a fire inviting a weak and unknowing moth. He liked the warmth Kris exuded, because Kris never lets himself get cold. He never lets anyone get cold.
"Baekhyun!"
"WHAT?! Stop shouting! I'm like beside you, you gigantic dumbass." Baekhyun looked at him and for the first time than he'd like to admit, Kris glowed like the sun. Even in this dead of the night.
----
"Baekhyun? Are you okay?" Jongdae asked as he got Jjangah out of his hold and into her father's arms. Jongin had been asking for his baby as soon as he returned from the kitchen backroom and he didn't even know why Baekhyun stood perfectly still near the dining table. Almost as if remembering something so important. No. Actually, Jongin knew why but he didn't want to press it on because he knows Baekhyun has been hurting a lot. Everyone has.
"What? Oh. Yeah. I'm sorry. I got stunned for a moment. I probably forgot how to hold a dog or forgot your kids live here." Baekhyun smiled as he gave one last pet on Jjangah's head and walked away. "I'm going out! Be back by dinner."
Jongdae and Jongin looked at each other with sad eyes communicating that Luhan should know just how miserable Baekhyun was. "Yes, Luhan hyung has to know."
"Right. I'm going to follow Baekhyun. Who knows he might do something reckless." Jongdae volunteered. He was on the door when Kyungsoo spoke, "Baekhyun is not stupid. He wouldn't do something so reckless and put his life on danger." Jongdae shrugged and was about to retaliate when Jongin mouthed 'go' as he fished out his phone and dialled the one person who could possibly help Baekhyun, and probably Kris. “Hyung, we need to talk.”
----
Baekhyun walked towards the park. The flashbacks had been a pain lately. It has been happening one after the other and he finds himself gasping for air once it stops. And right now, his heart clenches so tight it hurts to even straighten his back. Is this a heart attack? But he's quite young to have one.
The park looks so alive that he almost forgot it exists, that life exists. He was so cooped up in his self-pity that he didn't realize people have also been hurting inside but chose to go on with their daily lives yet he chose to be a teenager refusing to eat and talk to people like the mature adult that he should be.
Jongdae silently followed Baekhyun as he observed how Baekhyun looked at all the people smiling, the trees that were slowly swaying because of the Autumn breeze like everything's a first time. He hid a smile when he saw Baekhyun smiled on a little kid telling her mom that there was a nest on one of the branches of the tree. How the little kid saw it was beyond his imagination. He didn't want to interrupt Baekhyun's peacefulness. It had been days since he felt so relaxed like this. The last time he saw him like this was when he finished his thesis.
Baekhyun felt the need to look back and knew it was Jongdae instantly who was following him, grinning like the idiot that he is. "So now, you're being a stalker? Don't worry, I won't do something stupid." Baekhyun laughed and he feels it flowing out his body. He feels the stress finally leaving through his vocal chords that resonate through the air with that tiny laugh. He had to admit, walking around the park does wonders and he feels better. A lot better.
"How are you?" Jongdae caught up with him and walked beside him. He didn't want to ask if he was okay, he might say yes when he clearly isn’t.
"Hmmm" Baekhyun hummed before continuing, "before? I was broken. Like a million pieces broken I didn't even know if becoming whole again was possible. He.." and trailed off.
"It's okay if you don't want to tell me. I'm not forcing you to." Jongdae quickly said. He saw an ice cream vendor and pulled Baekhyun towards that direction. "Hello ahjussi! Vanilla and Chocolate, please."
"You really do know me, huh?" Baekhyun chuckled as he reached out for the ahjussi's vanilla ice cream.
"Baek, are you really asking me if I know you? Seriously??" Jongdae exclaimed. "Do you want me to tell you how you peed on my bed 1st grade? Or when I accidentally saw you eating your booger 3rd grade? Oh Baekhyun, you know I have a lot of your embarrassing mess in my head. Let me see, I think I have a timeline ever since pre-school until our last day in the University. I have a good memory." He tapped his own head and smirked that evil one which Baekhyun always found himself wanting to rip out from his face.
"Fine! You don't have to announce it to everyone in the park." Baekhyun laughed as the horror of all the monstrosities he did way back then was starting to creep him out. He kept silent for a few minutes contemplating whether to just tell Jongdae the truth or come up with a lie to save his face. But hell with it. "Kris was really special to me."
"I know. No. We know." Jongdae supplied as he licked his ice cream.
"No Dae, like he was really special. I think I loved him. And I think I still do."
"I knoooooow. How many times are you planning to tell me you like Kris hyung?!" Jongdae whined. "We've known, Baek. Those smiles you give each other gave it away. Especially the way you both look at each other." Jongdae smiled. It was finally out, the big secret everyone has tried to hide for their sake.
"But how?!" Baekhyun's mouth opened and closed like a fish, contemplating whether to say something or not. "I don't understand."
"Let me tell you something. Back when we were at Disneyland where Joonmyeon hyung paid our whole trip, don't tell me you don't remember it?" Jongdae led them towards a bench.
"Of course I do! Anything I didn't shed money I can remember."
--
"Dae, can you help me?" Kris looked frantic. It was nearing the time for the fireworks and he hasn't even bought anything. He was going to give something to Baekhyun only he didn't know yet what it should be. "I need to buy a gift. Something like a keepsake or something that can be used."
"And who is this for?" Jongdae's prying tone made Kris turn a deep shade of red. "Do you have someone special?! KRIS HYUNG HOW ARE YOU CAPABLE OF LOVING SOMEONE?!" He exclaimed as Kris tried to shush the other by putting a hand over his mouth.
"Do you want the whole Disneyland to know?! And besides, I don't love him. I think I just like him." He sulked and looked down, avoiding eye contact with Jongdae when he realized he said 'something' he shouldn't have said.
"Hyung, is it, by chance, Baekhyunnie?" Jongdae asked cautiously. He had been feeling something was wrong with the two because when Kris is near, Baekhyun would scramble off towards the opposite side of the room and jumps into whatever conversation he had unintentionally joined. Kris, on the other hand, didn't seem to notice there was something wrong with their set-up. He, too, have been avoiding Baekhyun because the feelings and awkwardness wasn't supposed to be there in the first place.
"How did you know?" Kris looked taken aback because he hadn't quite even figured that part out yet. He didn't want to believe that he was slowly falling for his friend, something new for the group who had been living under one roof.
"I didn't. I was just speculating and then here you are, basically screaming at my face all your feelings for my dear best friend." Jongdae shrugged before continuing, "well, actually, Sehun was the first one to notice. So naturally, he told Jongin since they're practically inseparable. Oh and Zitao knew too because Sehun couldn't keep his mouth shut whenever he bribed him with bubble tea and you know how the kid's a sucker for bubble tea. It's like his only goal in life is to be the bubble tea master or some---".
"Dae, we all know how Sehun and bubble tea is one entity." Kris interrupted him as he looked at his phone for the time. 30 minutes more before the fireworks display.
"Right. So where was I? Oh yes. So he told Jongin and then I accidentally, uh, heard them talking about it and I just barged in and made them tell me everything they know since I was the other party's best friend and I deserved the right to know. It's all stated in the How to NOT Keep a Secret 101 created by yours truly. You should have lessons from me. I'd give it to you for free since you're a new subscriber." Jongdae wriggled his eyebrows when he suddenly pouted. "Oh... I still don't have a publisher."
"Kim Jongdae, the hell was that?!" Kris incredulously asked. "I have 15 minutes left, thanks to your rambling!" He paced back and forth as he kept on looking at his phone for the time.
"Okay, I'm sorry. Now let's go get your gift. I might just know what you're looking for." Jongdae grinned as he led the other towards a nearby Disney shop.
"You're taking me to a Disney shop. Seriously, Dae? I have no time for this." He turned his back, ready to exit the store when Jongdae pulled the hem of Kris' shirt that made him trample backwards. "Jongdae." He whined.
"You old man, listen to me first, okay? This is what I saw awhile ago. Baekhyun was oddly fascinated by this and when we waved for him to go with us, he can't tear away his eyes from it. I know he has this weird obsession with these but I just think it could be the perfect gift you're asking me." Jongdae shrugged with that knowing smile Baekhyun wanted to rip out.
"You are seriously so freaky. How did you know all those stuff?" Kris widened his eyes as he picked it up from Jongdae's hands.
"Of course, I'm the best friend!"
"I'll take it. How much is it?"
"150 Hong Kong Dollars. It says it right here, old man." Jongdae pointed to a label on top of the stack.
"150 HKD FOR A CUP?! WHAT THE HELL?"
"You are so stingy for someone giving a gift to someone special." Jongdae facepalmed. "Okay, let's split. But you get the credit."
"No. I'll take it. Fully." Kris walked towards the cashier. He fished out his wallet to get some money when Sehun popped in.
"Oh. Getting the loved one a gift huh?" Sehun teased.
"Crap! Don't do that, Sehun! I aged 10 years, jeez." Kris clutched his chest to pacify the tremors that is Sehun.
"Hyung, I swear you should've seen your face. Anyway, don't I deserve a bubble tea for being such a good dongsaeng?" He did those puppy eyes he rarely does except when we're talking about bubble tea.
"Hyung! Good thing, you're going to pay for it. I have no money in my pocket right now." Jongdae sheepishly said as he rubbed the back of his neck and looked everywhere but Kris' eyes.
"Kids." He sighed as he got out another 100 HKD. "Here. Buy yourselves some bubble tea. Now go and don't disturb me okay!"
"BUBBLE TEA!" Sehun screamed as he grabbed the money from Kris' hands. "I'm buying bubble tea and there won't be any left for Jongdae hyung~." He sang as he skipped outside the store.
"Ya! I have a share in that! You brat! Come back here!" Jongdae shouted as he ran after Sehun who was still skipping like a 6 year old.
Kris laughed as he looked towards his gift and only one thought remains in his head, "I hope Baek likes this. But who even gives a cup for a gift?" He laughed as he realized he was so stupid in falling for Jongdae's trap.
---
"Jongdae, you're getting carried away, again." Baekhyun cut off Jongdae as he threw the tissue he used in the trash bin.
"Oh. Right. Yeah. So, that's it! What else do you want to know?"
He was met with a few minutes of silence. Baekhyun looked like he wanted to ask something, but there's something blocking him from doing so.
Jongdae saw right through it and voiced out, "why didn't he tell you he liked you?" Baekhyun's eyes widened. He looked down to avoid looking at Jongdae. He realized he cannot hide anything from this man. He was his best friend, his brother and if anything, his soulmate. They do everything together that this issue seemed such a stranger in Baekhyun's eyes.
"Yes." Baekhyun's voice came out so soft that he seemed so unsure of himself. He was a man of many things but being insecure wasn't a part of it. Maybe recently, when he became sure of his feelings for the man who went away.
"I don't know. Really. We were so sure that after that night you'd be his, and he'd be yours. I don't know what happened, Baek. Only you can answer that question." Jongdae looked at him and pat his shoulders a little before standing up. "Come on, I think Kyungsoo prepared doenjang jjigae and I'm sure you are starving."
"Ya! I fed myself and Monggu when you left us alone! But yeah, you're right. I'm hungry. Let's head back." He stood up as he walked side by side with Jongdae and linked their arms.
Kris was a puzzle that will probably never get solved but Baekhyun was sure of one thing. He missed Jongdae, and the brat, and Jongin. Everyone else. And now it's time to put back the memories behind him because that's what it will always be, just memories.
----
He looked at his phone, admiring how that rectangle smile gave him so much butterflies he feels it filling his stomach until it reaches up his throat and his entire body. "I miss you, and everyone else. But please just understand me. I love you, Baek. I always have. And Jongdae would have probably said it by now but everything is just too late."
He put back his phone in his pocket as he called out for the team. "Alright, Chanyeol, you can start now."
"Ne."
A few hours had gone by as the whole music and production team made a few more arrangements before settling for the best recording. Kris looked back at his phone contemplating whether to message Baekhyun or just call him. Days have passed and he still feels like shit for leaving Baekhyun.
"Kris, thanks for doing this for us." Luhan said as everyone packed up. "It's really nice that you thought of us as your first artists."
"Of course, man. We've been together since middle school! I can't just slip a man of talent go to waste! Besides, you'll be bringing in money for me." Kris laughed as he pat Luhan's shoulder.
"Aren't you going to tell Baekhyun and recruit him as your artist? He's a good singer." Chanyeol interrupted. “It’s probably for the best that he isn’t under my company.” Kris muttered.
Luhan noticed the bags under Kris’ eyes and he knew it was only because he left the dorm building. “Kris, this is killing you. Look at your eye bags! They aren’t even bags anymore, they’re luggages! Why can’t you just admit you miss him and everyone else? Why did you even hide building your own music company from the others? Aren’t they trustworthy for you to share something valuable to them?”
“No! They are really great friends. They helped me after you guys left the building and wouldn’t even tell me beforehand! I’m still mad at you about that though.” Kris raised his eyebrow and Luhan sheepishly smiled.
“I don’t really know why I didn’t tell them anything. I just packed out all my bags that day I got reprimanded at work. I didn’t even think! For God’s sake, Baekhyun broke down in front of me and that didn’t even stop me from leaving. I don’t know. I really don’t know.” He heaved a deep sigh. “I think I just got all fed up and exploded at the wrong person. And I know I screwed up. All my life people have always been telling me what to do and I hated how little control I have with my life. I don’t want to continue living like a dog. I want to make choices for myself.”
Luhan looked at Kris sadly. “I think I know where you’re coming from.” Chanyeol suddenly spoke. “But hyung, we left because we never really fit in with you all. Sehun, Jongin and Zitao are still studying. Kyungsoo and Yixing already made a name for themselves as both are doctors and Minseok just started looking out for a job. Baekhyun and Jongdae seems happy with their agency and Joonmyeon, I don’t really care about him. He’s loaded and a big boy. He can take good care of himself. What I’m worried about is you. When we left, we wanted to let you come with us but Luhan hyung didn’t want to. Besides, we were following our dreams and you knew about it. Well, we both admit we weren’t even close to achieving that dream until you and your offer came and we jumped on it desperately.”
“Yes, but this is different. I can’t risk him being hated by his parents. I knew if I told him I’m making this, he’d asked me to take him in and help him fulfill his dreams. But I can’t, Chanyeol. I just can’t. I can’t do that to him. I won’t do that to him.” Kris looked so helpless and seeing the pain in his eyes broke Luhan’s heart. “Hey, what do you mean Luhan didn’t want me to come?! You ass!” Kris realized as he tackled Luhan on a neck-breaking grip in which the latter just laughed it out.
“I’m sorry, Kris. It’s just, I noticed how you’ve been really happy ever since you met Baekhyun and I can’t take that away from you. You weren’t this carefree when we were in China. Your eyes look so alive, man. You are so in love with him.” Luhan looked down, guilt evident on his face.
Kris knew it was pointless arguing. He can’t hide anything from Luhan just like Baekhyun can’t hide anything from Jongdae. He missed Baekhyun and his fluffy hair, his soft skin, his charming smile, his everything. He couldn’t deny how he was really so broken when he left and he wonders if Baekhyun was as broken as he is. “So what are you going to do now?” Chanyeol asked. Kris silently looked at the staff currently cleaning up after the recording. “I don’t know.” He murmured.
Baekhyun almost had the same dream as Kris. There were nights where both would sneak out of their dorms and go to the nearest convenience store to eat anything and talk about dreams that were both vague and impossible. Kris knew Baekhyun wanted to be a singer, just like him, Luhan and Chanyeol. He told his parents but they were so against him becoming one that he settled to being just a creative output employee in an advertising agency. He was one of those singers who made up lyrics spontaneously and preferred to use the shower head as their microphone and bathing essentials as his audience. And sometimes, Kris stays outside the door just to listen to him sing.
--
“Duizhang, w-what are you doing there?” Baekhyun stepped back as he clutched his towel hanging around his neck. He never gets out wearing nothing so, thank God, thought Kris.
“I’m just, nothing! I was just wondering who was singing since it was so loud and off-pitch and it turns out it was you. So, yeah, can you keep it down when you’re taking a bath?” Kris grinned.
“YA. AT LEAST I HAVE A BETTER VOICE THAN YOURS. ALL YOU DO IS RAP BUT YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S ACTUALLY OFF-PITCH THAN ME!” Baekhyun shouted as he pushed a laughing Kris so he could go back to his room.
As soon as Baekhyun was out of sight, he breathed out a sigh of relief and immediately looked at his phone where it showed a microphone with 3:21 minutes recorded. “So much for being a stalker, Kris, but who cares.” He chuckled to himself.
--
“Hyung, Jongin called Luhan hyung. He says it has been days since Baekhyun went out of his room. He evaded sleep and he rarely ate anything. I’m worried for him, hyung. Can’t you just talk to him? Please? Tell him anything just to make him eat.” Chanyeol looked as if his favorite pet died. He grabbed Kris arm before continuing, “hyung, please. Just let him eat at least.”
“I’m not sure, Chanyeol. You know he hates me up to his very core. I think when he hears my voice he’ll immediately end the call.” Kris looked as if contemplating whether he’ll really talk to him. It has been days, and if he hears his voice, he could break down. He could be broken and no one would even know how he can become whole again. But looking at the poor kid infront of him made him realize, it’s better to be broken than see everyone else suffering for what he has done. “I’ll see what I can do.”
Kris walked away as he tried to think how he will open up his conversation with him. But all of a sudden, his phone rang. “Hello?”
“Duizhang.”
Kris stopped in his tracks, blood running cold and heartbeat erratically beating. He missed this voice. He missed him dearly and it took every ounce of his remaining strength to not break down. “Baekhyun.”
“Yeah, I was just calling to tell you that what Jongin probably told Chanyeol isn’t even close to the real situation. You know how he likes to exaggerate things. So.. yeah. That’s it. I’m hanging up.” Baekhyun was about to end the call when Kris probably spoke to soon.
“H-hey, Baek. Don’t hang up.” Kris’ voice broke. He waited for anything, at least the sound of breathing from the other line but nothing. “Please.”
Baekhyun heaved a deep breath. “What is it, Kris hyung?” Kris almost dropped his phone when he heard him say hyung. He went inside a nearby room and locked it, hand on his mouth as he tried to muffle his sobs. Tears streaked down his cheeks and he feels his chest clenching so tight he can’t properly breathe.
“Hyung, I’m hanging up if you don’t start talking. I have a lot to do and--”
“Baek, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry for only talking to you now, for leaving you behind, for not telling you everything. You and the others deserve to know the truth which I kept from you. I’m sorry, Baekhyun. This isn’t enough, and I know you won’t even probably forgive me but please, just hear me out.” He spoke softly, letting his emotions flow through his voice. “I’m just so sorry, Baek. For everything.”
“Hyung, sorry doesn’t amount to forgiveness. I understand why you had to do it and leave us. But don’t expect to hear me say “I forgive you” because I’m sure as hell it won’t be happening anytime soon. I’m sorry, too, if I can’t find it in myself to forgive you. Please don’t call me anymore. We can just forget everything and move on, just like how people come and go.”
“Baek…” Kris didn’t know what to say. His voice felt so distant, so far from the usual cheery Baekhyun he’d known.
“I’m sorry, Kris-ssi. I don’t care if you talk to the others, they probably already know everything and forgave you easily but I’m sure I haven’t forgiven you just yet. I’m sorry and goodbye.”
As the line went dead, Kris gripped his phone as if his life depended on him. And maybe, it really did.
--
After 6 months, Kris’ agency became famous nationwide, with several talented teenagers flocking the doors of his building, seeking out a contract to sign. Luhan and Chanyeol had been successful with their 2nd mini album, Tears, in which Kris himself participated and wrote some of the songs.
There was only one album who had a special song in it, and it wasn’t released nationwide.
Joonmyeon gathered the group for dinner and invited Jongdae, Yixing, Zitao, and Minseok to join them at their dorm.
“Hey, everyone. This came from Chanyeol earlier this day. Most of you weren’t able to see it because of school and work and I think it’s for Baekhyun.” He fished out a thin package, almost as if a thin box is inside and handed it out to an unsuspecting Baekhyun who was busy devouring his spaghetti.
“What?” Mouth wide open, he reached out for the package as everyone looked over, waiting for him to open the package. He hopes it wasn’t what he was afraid of.
As he placed the wrapper aside, he saw Luhan and Chanyeol’s faces on the CD cover with their names written on the lower right part of it. It was their first mini album, Chances. “But I have this already! Chanyeol even gave it to me himself! He’s really annoying right now.” Baekhyun groaned.
Sehun quietly spoke, with a knowing smile plastered on his face, “look at the tracks hyung, before you babble again.”
He looked behind the CD and noticed there were actually six tracks instead of the usual five. He ran back to his room to get the CD he owned and placed it side by side to see the difference. The last track entitled, “Thunder” wasn’t supposed to be there and for some reason, it crept him out.
He immediately listened to it, and thought how every word and note punches him in the gut. This was the song Kris had been composing, the one he suddenly bared his soul to him one night. After months of being so strong, the tears that once dried up, felt more alive than before.
“I thought you didn’t know how to write lyrics, you giant oaf.” He chuckled as he wiped his tears. “I forgive you, Jjanggu-ya. Please be happy, always and forever, my gigantic oaf.” He smiled as his eyes trailed towards the cup on his cupboard, being so happy that for the first time after months, he doesn’t feel like smashing the cup to pieces.
From: anonymous for now
Title: Cup of Memories
Rating: G
Word count: 10,000 words
Summary: Kris wanted to leave and Baekhyun tried hard to understand him
Warning/s slight character zoning out
Notes: Hi fellow writer! Thank you for giving me this prompt. I tried so hard to put all the words floating in my head but everything was just everywhere. I hope you like this as this is my first time to write for a specific someone. LOL. But, I really, really hope you like this. Please enjoy reading it and I suggest you to read this while listening to EXO-K/EXO-M's Don't Go. (I know this is supposed to be a Thunder inspired fic but...yeah.. LOL) Thanks again!
Baekhyun loves his cup. It was worn out, a little chipped on the rim, kind of like Chip in the fairy tale Beauty and the Beast, but can still hold out. It was the only old cup he had in his cupboard full of junk. Sehun insisted on making him throw the cup seeing as it was hazardous to everyone's health, but Baekhyun made sure it was safely tucked inside. He never let anyone scratch it or even use it. He made sure it was clean every day. Only one person was allowed to touch it, let alone use it and that was Kris Wu.
---
"You need to let me go."
The bed looked small as numerous things were scattered all over. Baekhyun watched as clothes were put into his duffel bag and all his other essentials, leaving only those that he gave him. Kris’ back was turned on him, broad shoulders slightly slouched. He knew what Kris was feeling, but he didn’t want to believe it until he could make out if he was as devastated as he is. The hushed but uneven breathing gives him hope that deep inside, Kris feels all the pain this brings in his heart.
Kris stilled for a moment as if weighing the options of leaving something, someone precious behind, and Baekhyun had the decency of closing the gap between them as he reached out on the hem of Kris' white shirt. Kris regained his composure but only to gently shy away from Baekhyun's hold and get the things on his bedside table. Someone had to be strong for the two of them. Someone had to be mature.
Everything was taken, from his collection of Chrome Hearts rings to his huge-ass socks, his shaving cream to his minty mouthwash. He even brought the flying Angry Bird he bought in Hong Kong with him. Kim Jongdae’s smile will never see the light again.
He took everything except one old cup.
Baekhyun wanted to cry. He felt his heart threatening to jump out of his chest. His dream was slowly slipping away from his grasp like fine sand wanting to escape the palm of his hand. He desperately wanted to hold him close, to make him understand that it was always a part of the sacrifices he has to make; a clear written rule once you finally start your own life, to make him see that he can and will be the light he is trying to find. Baekhyun wanted him to realize that no matter what, challenges will always be a part of one’s life and he will always be there every step of the way. He wanted him to depend on him, to hold his hand every time they seem to be walking on a dead end. He wanted to, but Kris didn’t seem to understand that.
"If you're going away, you might as well take the cup with you. I don't need some nasty, tattered-looking cup." Baekhyun spat out as he tried to blink back his tears. Kris stopped packing and closed his eyes. Hearing Baekhyun say those words to that cup feels like daggers were thrown in his already crumbling heart. It made him think if all this is worth the pain he's causing Baekhyun. He knows despite the coldness of his words hitting him, there are silent pleas to never go and hold on to that tiny sliver of hope.
They say time heals all wounds, but would his heart even want to start healing? Every movement Kris does makes Baekhyun slowly break down to pieces seemingly impossible to put back together. Every breath he does decides to punch him straight to the gut, everything starts to shake his subconscious that all this is a harsh and bitter reality.
"Just.. Why? Aren't you happy with us?" Baekhyun's voice croaked as he tried to guard his own emotions. He wants to know why he had to do this, why he had to leave him behind. Millions of thoughts raced his mind, worst ideas popping up and scaring him but he needs to hear what he has to say. “We were happy, Jjanggu-ya.” The tears came unexpectedly quick and he feels like all the dinner he ate came rushing up his throat. The thought of living without him after this night was hauntingly dark and he never wants to experience it.
Kris almost lost it when he heard him speak his name, a nickname that only the two of them shared intimately. He needs to get out of this room fast and Baekhyun trying so hard to keep his sniffles at bay isn't helping him. "Don't call me that!" He growled. "Why are you so clingy, Baekhyun? Stop it. You’re making yourself look really pathetic. Grow up and stop following me like a lost puppy!” He widened his eyes when Baekhyun seemed to stop breathing. All the blood drained from his body and he feels like someone is gripping his heart so tight. It’s okay, Kris. This is for Baekhyun’s own good. You didn’t mean it but it will help him forget you. “Baekhyun, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I just.. just stop asking. You know why I'm doing this." He heaved a deep sigh and resumed packing up.
“No. No, I don’t! You won’t let me know! How can you do this to me?!” Baekhyun shouted as he threw a nearby pillow at him. “You, fucker! You selfish, gigantic asshole! Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to us?”
“Because this is the only way I can get away from you!”
Baekhyun’s breath hitched. Yelling was fine because Kris never yells but this was something new. He wanted to get away not because of the pressure but mainly because of him. Cold shivers travelled up Baekhyun’s spine as he tried to form words but he just can’t. His knees felt weak as his body slumped on the bed. Soft sobs escaped his mouth and his hands kept on playing with each other. He tried to breathe normally, just to make himself seem strong even if just for a little bit, but even pretending to breathe normally became too hard. Pretending to be okay would probably something he would have to perfect if he wants to go and move on. He really does wonder how people take on these emotions and how they even overcome this.
Kris watched him silently with tears pooling in his eyes. He wanted to go and hug him. He wanted to stroke his hair and hug him so tight, whisper words of comfort, never-ending 'I-love-you's that were never once said, and promises of a better tomorrow but he just stayed rooted at his spot, feet glued and legs feeling like heavy metal. Baekhyun was crying infront of him, even having uncontrollable tears now, but his body was frozen. He can’t touch Baekhyun. He can’t give him hope. He can’t do that to him because if he does, it would be giving him another opportunity to become weak and stay. He had been strong for years and sometimes, people need to take a step back and rest. He needs that time now. He breathed gently and finished packing.
“I’m sorry, Baekhyun. I need to go.”
--
Everyone acted like nothing was wrong, like no one was missing though lunch became awfully silent the next day. Tao kept on stabbing the food Kyungsoo prepared and he couldn’t even blame the kid for taking it out on the poor macaroni. He, too, was at a loss about Kris’ sudden leave. Joonmyeon’s face betrayed his emotions though. His face showed too much of the feelings he was trying to conceal to the people around him. He didn’t want to put anymore worry and pain to them but this is just too much. He was about to speak when Yixing called out his name.
“Joonmyeon-ah... Let’s just stop first, take a breath and think things through. Just, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt.” Yixing quietly spoke as he looked at each and everyone’s faces. "Okay?" He stopped at Baekhyun as he took notice of the dark circles and puffiness under his eyes. Baekhyun looked back at him and gave a small smile but quickly averted his gaze.
Zitao suddenly let out a soft sob as he angrily wiped his tears, "Why are my tears still falling? This is all his fault. All his fault." He repeated a thousand times over but the tears won't listen.
----
“Hey, I have a surprise for you.” His gummy smile showed all the happiness in the world Baekhyun had to blink again to stop himself from getting mesmerized with his smile. He gently pulled Baekhyun towards the Grizzly River Run, eyes looking like a kid getting his treat for being a good boy.
"Duizhang, this isn't even a surprise. It's in Disneyland." Baekhyun shook his head as a small smile made its way to his lips. "You are so cool and charismatic but just downright dumb I don't even know why I'm putting up with you." He muttered as he let himself get dragged to the ride. "Please remember we have no spare clothes so nope, I'm not riding that thing."
"Oh come on, you're such a girl. This is fun!" Kris even managed to slip in his most hated word which resulted to a very displeased Baekhyun glaring at him. "You do know that you still look cute even when you glare, right? So it's no use." He snickered.
"WHY AM I FRIENDS WITH YOU UGH!" Baekhyun shook off Kris' hold on him as he stomped towards the queue. "Just you wait, you gigantic oaf." He muttered softly as the line kept getting short. "That ass. I'm no girl. Why do people even keep on calling me that?" He stomped his foot as he showed the boy guarding the gate his all-access wrist pass. Kris merely chuckled as he followed Baekhyun, grinning like the ass that he is as he, too, showed the boy his all-access wrist pass.
"Hey, guys! We're still here if you haven't noticed." Joonmyeon shouted as he gently pushed everyone towards the Grizzly River Run ride. "So much for being the guardian. Hmph. You guys just use my kindness and abuse it like you abuse me. Why is life unfair?"
"Aww hyung, of course not. We love you as much as we love your card. We don't abuse you! We're good and respectful kids, right Sehunnie?" Zitao kept on nudging the boy beside him who has his lips pursed and eyebrows scrunched together. "Huang Zitao, stop nudging me I'm not in the mood for this. It's too hot! Where is Jongdae hyung? I need to ask him if he has a portable fan or any makeshift fan."
"Even Sehunnie doesn't believe you." Joonmyeon sulked as he was busy downing his chocolate bubble tea who seemed to have been in a state of shock as he realized that he wasn't even holding the bubble tea anymore. Sehun seemed to have developed a nasty habit of grabbing anything he liked and it made Joonmyeon laugh as he shook his head, easily forgiving the rudeness of the maknae.
As the group finally settled on the ride, Kris couldn't help but admire the little scowl gracing Baekhyun's face. Eyebrows knitted together, lines of worry and most probably fear curving his forehead and pink kitten lips pursed. Suddenly, the image of Jongdae hugging Baekhyun from behind earlier in the day popped up in his head and his whole face distorted, body stilling from any movement. Baekhyun seemed to notice as he slowly looked at Kris and awkwardly put his hand on his lap, fighting the small tremors his hand kept making. He finds it hard to resist Kris, whether it be his mood or just anything Kris-related. Kris slowly looked down and admired Baekhyun's fingers, how slender and long they look, wondering how they would fit his, how soft would it be. "Why is it that you are always so touchy with the others but you distance yourself to me?" Kris wanted to ask, maybe pull Baekhyun to someplace where they can really talk but decided it wasn't the best time for a serious conversation.
"Are you okay?" Baekhyun asked, eyes full of concern. Jongdae's whine and Zitao's laughter filled the air as he tried to tune them out, eyes only focusing on Kris'.
Kris almost forgot how honest Baekhyun’s eyes were. Everyone made fun of him for being so predictable but Kris always loved it about him. His eyes always looked so bright, like there isn’t anything to be sad of. He loved everything about Baekhyun but his eyes and his chubbiness are the only weaknesses he’s clearly afraid to let go of.
There were times Kris leans in for a whisper, forgetting that he needs a little distance from Baekhyun, just to be sure for feelings that should never have been there in the first place. Often times he finds himself slowly pulling Baekhyun towards him for a hug and he lets him go too quickly for his liking but slow enough not to raise any suspicions, making it seem like an awkward hug. He gets a little too close for comfort and Baekhyun doesn't mind, but Kris does. Sometimes his smiles would give away what he has been hiding, his eyes holding too much happiness that anyone with an eye could see how Baekhyun affects him. But before anyone tries to talk to him about it, he reverts back to his old self, his cold and charismatic image. And Baekhyun kept on wondering what this is, what is wrong with them. What is wrong with their set-up.
"Yeah, I was just wondering where I could get you a hairstylist since you'll probably be whining how wet and unruly your hair is later." Kris snickered as he felt Baekhyun slightly punch him on his bicep. The soft buzzing of the ride came to life and they were slowly let out on the man-made river.
--
After days of trying to understand, evading food and everyone else, Baekhyun came out of his room, life seemed to have left him. His brain automatically wired to look for actual food after pigging off of junk food and carbonated drinks, because yes he was still not desperate to the point that he might actually think mary jane is a baby powder, only to find out no one actually bothered to stay at home with him. Well, except for Jongin's pup, Monggu who seemed to share Baekhyun's feelings at the moment, looking so lost and...alone.
Hunger forgotten, he sat at the couch as Monggu bounced towards him, immediately pouncing on Baekhyun's lap, tail wagging. He smiled and it seemed his facial muscles froze as it felt foreign. He was known for always smiling, for always being the light but today, he can't even feel it on his own face.
Monggu barked as Baekhyun got out of his little trance and picked him up, gently cradling the little pup in his arms. "Where are your siblings? And where's your appa? Are you hungry? Did appa feed you?" He made Monggu lie down, his back on his thighs and legs springing up as he played with them. Monggu made a little yelp before barking as if to say yes his dear dad forgot to feed him. The little pup has always been close to Baekhyun, just like the other two dogs, but it seemed that he has always been Monggu's favorite samchon. Baekhyun chuckled as he remembered how Jongin would hit him for making Baekhyun teach his kids to respond to him when he tells them "kids, appa's here" instead of letting himself known by samchon. Suddenly, he thought of how Kris seemed to hide behind his back whenever Jongin's kids visit the dorm (because Kris likes dogs but vows to never touch them), running around and making noise as they become too playful to be with their dad who they only see sometimes once a month. Monggu barked as Baekhyun felt something wet trailing down his cheeks and he realized he was crying. "The fuck, man. Why am I not tired of crying for that ass?" He muttered as he harshly wiped away his tears. "Come here, Monggu-ya. I'm going to make us some food because your appa and your other samchondeul forgot there are two living beings here."
----
"Show me!" Baekhyun insisted as he laughed at how Kris was so ridiculous in thinking that he has a dance move that will beat Yixing's and Jongin's best routines. "You gotta show me this, Kris, or I won't believe you." Baekhyun continued to laugh obnoxiously loud.
"What? This?" Kris asked as the others crowded infront of them, shielding them from the view of others. Everyone was dancing but he couldn't hear what song was playing. Everyone was so loud in this night and everyone was enjoying. He was happy. He smiled as if discovering something life-changing, gummy smile reflecting that of a million reasons how Baekhyun affects him in more ways than one. He gently kneeled down, patted the floor and gently got up, smile still plastered on his face and eyes locked only to the other's brown orbs. Baekhyun laughed so hard but it didn't matter. Kris was enjoying every minute. "Duizhang how is that even a move?!"
"I don't know! Just let me believe I have at least a dancer's bone in my body, okay?" He laughed as he stretched out his hands, as if going to embrace the little man in front of him only to see Baekhyun slightly turning towards the left, still laughing but continued to dance together with the others, as if avoiding the impending hug. He didn't even think otherwise, didn't let his emotions paralyze his reasoning and take over himself, instead he let his arms drop a little while still smiling down at him. He can't talk to him, what with all the noise screaming at his ear and people watching their every move. He could talk to Baekhyun later, away from the cruel and prying eyes but all he wants to do right now is enjoy this dance with him, because this might be their last together.
----
"Are you full, Monggu-ya?" Baekhyun walked with Monggu as the little pup barked before jogging towards the living room's couch. Monggu had been fed and Baekhyun was proud he was able to feed another living thing besides himself. Kyungsoo always berated him for not taking care of himself properly and always reheating leftovers, or even burning the kitchen down but today, he became a grown-up. It turns out that becoming a grown-up was momentary seeing as Baekhyun once again found himself staring into space. Monggu tugged at his pant leg, softly dragging his favorite samchon to the couch so they could play together but Baekhyun felt his soul slowly leaving his body.
----
“Jjangu-ya! Stop! That tickles! Ya!” Baekhyun pulled his leg out of Kris’ grasp as the latter kept on laughing, holding on his tummy.
“God, that was hilarious. I swear I am going to hold your ankle more often.” Kris laughed as he tried to calm his heart, because Baekhyun squirming and blushing so hard for holding in his laughter is more entertaining than Running Man on TV.
“If you are going to play your sickeningly love game, can you please, please spare the rest of the group and go to your room? Jeez, people are trying to watch okay?” Zitao whined as he laid his head on Sehun’s shoulder. The others had retired for the night after a hectic schedule that day and all that was left was Jongdae who had been snickering and slapping Minseok's arm who was silently eating his nachos, smiling and feeding Jongdae from time to time.
“You should see yourself though, Zitao. Clinging to Sehun like the koala that you are. Oh, wait. You’re a panda. Hmm, do pandas even cling?” Baekhyun snickered as Zitao threw a pillow at him.
Kris smiled as he watched how Baekhyun continued teasing the Chinese maknae, eventually telling himself to console little Zitao’s whine when Baekhyun and the others go back to their dorm. It’s actually annoying how their dorms aren’t even apart by a building but only a floor and this makes Kris agitated knowing that Baekhyun has always been within arms’ reach but blocks away from his heart.
“You’ve been spacing out a lot recently, Duizhang. Is something bothering you? Is there something wrong?” Baekhyun’s soft whisper broke him out of his reverie as he fixed his gaze on the Korean’s small but captivating eyes. He realized everyone actually got quiet and focused on the TV, but when he looked, Sehun was sleeping soundly and Zitao’s eyes start to droop a little before actually shutting them. Jongdae somehow found a way to wound up his arms around Minseok as their feet kept on playing with each other, almost audibly whispering sweet nothings and hopeful promises. “Nothing. Come on, I’m going to show you something.” Kris stood up and stretched out his arm for Baekhyun to take to which the latter gladly took.
Kris’ room was both clean and disorganized. This is probably the effect of rooming with the oldies’ Minseok and Luhan. “Wow, Jjangu-ya, is this the oldies’ syndrome? Being clean yet disorganized? Or this was all you?” Baekhyun chuckled as he plopped down on the bed.
Kris was busy on his laptop, eyes glued to the screen and earphones on. His eyebrows furrowed as he kept on muttering “Where is it?” Baekhyun peered in but Kris was faster and he made Baekhyun stay seated in his seat, offering one of the earphones to him silently.
“You’re awfully quiet.” Baekhyun slowly reached for the earphone as he stuck them in his ear, a barely audible gasp as he heard soft but upbeat music flowing through his ears. He suddenly felt aware how close he had gotten, and Kris doesn’t mind. He doesn’t because he was sharing his guilty pleasure, his one and only companion through tough times, his dream to the person he believed who was equally important to him.
Music was what bound them together, made them know each other. He knew Kris loved music, but he didn’t know to this extent; making music on his own. He always knew the Chinese gege was capable of creating rap no matter how nonsense it is but humbly chooses not to share how much he loves creating soft melodies otherwise. Everyone knew Kris as the swag Chinese-Canadian guy who always had to incorporate hip-hop culture to whatever he says. No one knew how much he loved music, how much he owed to music. Except him.
And now, the silence shared between the two, soft melody flowing on top of their heads makes Baekhyun realize that there are so much things he needs to know about the leader and more secrets untold because no one actually bothered to break the imaginary walls Kris made for himself. He suddenly wondered if there were times he kept on pushing Kris to the limit, not knowing whether he was actually hurting him because the man never shows pain and grudges. He was too…kind for his own good.
“This is good. Really good.” Baekhyun secretly wiped the tears forming in his eyes as he sat down properly. He glanced at Kris who was busy fumbling on his laptop, probably making a few arrangements on the melody and Baekhyun couldn't help but blame himself, wishing that he was more cautious, more sensitive to the older's needs.
“Thanks.” Kris spoke shyly, head hanging low as he tried fixing the earphones back to its place. He was no Yixing and he cares for the wellness of his earphones getting enough oxygen to last another 5 months perhaps. “I just whipped some of the tunes and it became like this. Pretty cool, huh?” He smiled. Baekhyun took note how Kris was behaving anxiously, as if waiting for someone to reprimand him. He tried not to let it show but Baekhyun can see through the tough exterior. "This would be great if there are lyrics." He mused.
"Well, the thing is, I'm not that good in writing lyrics. I've tried but it just won't fit in." Kris stared off outside the window, as if recalling something. "Baekhyun, I-- I want to do what I want to do. It would be great if I can do something I love without people telling me it's not right or just outright unacceptable. It would be great to live in a place where no one will tell me to do this, do that. I'm not that hard to please and talk to, right? You do remember I liked that fried chicken when I haven't even eaten it in my entire 25 years of living, right? I'm not that hard to talk to. I just want people to talk to me and explain to me what's wrong. I want people to understand me." He seemed glued to his spot, eventually feeling tears in his eyes.
Baekhyun was about to say something when Kris let out the most shocking (and annoying) comment there ever existed: "I'm joking!" And started laughing as if nothing was really wrong. Baekhyun's heart skipped a bit because this wasn't a laughing matter. Kris just bared his soul to him. The most emotionally well-guarded person in all of South Korea (and most probably China) just let out his deepest desires to someone who didn't even look like he cared, to someone who sometimes didn't realize he was already hurting others with his stupid unfiltered mouth.
Kris was still laughing awfully loud when a pillow hit him square in the face. "Ya! That is not a laughing matter! How can you even say something so heart-wrenching but laugh it off like it doesn't fucking matter?!" Baekhyun slightly raised his voice to, I don't know, make a point perhaps.
Kris was shocked to say the least. He did not even think Baekhyun would actually care, but then again, he thought that no one seemed to care. "Come here, Baekhyun." Kris cooed to the younger as he made him scoot towards him. When Baekhyun seemed like he has no plans on moving, Kris moved closer to him. ”I want to feel free but this job is killing me. I don’t want to continue being a teacher, Baek. I want to produce music. But this doesn't mean that you won't be a part of it, the world I'm trying to enter, to fit in."
"Jjanggu-ya, don't you understand? It's not about me fitting in your life but it's about you. You close youself to other people, you build imaginary walls that only I.... and fine, Chanyeol, can see through that wall." Baekhyun let out, feeling tears pooling in his eyes. He doesn't know why tears kept on appearing everytime they have these conversations.”Help us help you, Kris.”
Kris let out a sigh as he wiped the tear that escaped shamelessly. For the record, Kris perfectly understood what Baekhyun meant but he is not going to admit that the petite boy was right. There is a difference to being honest and wanting to let someone in right in your life. "Baekhyun-ah, you are so sensitive." Kris chuckled as he ruffled Baekhyun's hair.
"That stupid asshole. If he wanted to start his own music company he should have told us! He should have told me! YOU ASS I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU WHEN I SEE YOU LI JIAHENG!!" Baekhyun suddenly screamed startling the poor pup in his lap.
Baekhyun suddenly stopped. Why is it that he cared so much for the scary tall man? Why did it seem like everyone seemed to hurt but only him that feels this uncertainty? Why did it seem that no matter how much he cursed Kris, it still boils down to that heart-squeezing moment that he feels he's going to stop breathing any moment? Why does he feel this when they aren't even together?
"Baekhyun! You're outside your room! Are you okay now? Baekhyun!!!"
Jongdae ran and shook the skinny frail boy's shoulders as soon as he noticed him sitting on the couch, slowly petting Monggu and staring into space while he set down his grocery paper bag. The sentimental boy jumped in his seat which led to Monggu, being startled yet again, jumping down from his lap and running towards his appa.
"Jongdae stop shouting. People can probably hear you from a 10-mile radius." Kyungsoo reprimanded the poor camel dino as he settled more of the groceries on top of the table. Jongdae almost lost it when he enveloped the other in a bone-crushing hug in which Baekhyun was basically giving them all a look that clearly said "where the hell have you all been, leaving two human beings to starve alone?" Well, he did voice them out.
"Where were you? Of all the days I decided not to starve, or probably die, no one is at home! How can you do this to me?!" Baekhyun stomped his feet as he went towards the dining table where Kyungsoo was busy fixing all the groceries in their proper shelf.
"Oh, I'm sorry Baekhyun. We actually tried to live a little. You know, going outside the dorm, breathing some fresh air, feeding and walking the dogs, maybe going to work! You know, things like that. You should try it sometime." Kyungsoo managed to say as he tried to balance a packet of celery, cabbage and doenjang in his left hand while carrying a tray of organic eggs on his right. He walked towards the fridge when Tao walked in holding two leashes on one hand and an Iced Americano on the other while Jjangah and Jjanggu scrambled inside towards Baekhyun.
How is Tao okay with this?! How!! Baekhyun thought as he crouched down to pet the pups' head. "Aww, did my babies miss appa?" Jjangah barked as she shifted her head to fit and rest under Baekhyun's palm. “Hey, for the record, I told my boss I’m going to be on personal leave!”
"Hyung! I told you stop calling yourself their appa! Kids, that stubborn old man is your samchon, okay?" Jongin walked in holding a bag of dog food and going all the way to the kitchen back room.
Baekhyun laughed as he picked up Jjangah with Jjanggu climbing his leg to at least be carried. "Aigoo, chincha yeppeoyo." Jjangah barked when Baekhyun suddenly stopped short. Yet again.
---
"Aigoo yeppeo Jjangah-ya. You want a treat from Kris Samchon?" Kris petted the fluffy white toy poodle as that precious gummy smile made way towards his face. It was this day that Kris finally learned that Jongin's kids do not bite skinny people. And so he is safe. "Hey, sometimes I wonder, were you a dog in your past life? Because seriously, you can replace Jjangah with your cuteness." Kris chuckled as he fed Jjangah all while still holding the pup.
"NO ONE REPLACES MY JJANGAH! ESPECIALLY NOT BAEKHYUN-HYUNG!" Jongin's scream echoed throughout the dorm.
Kris chuckled as he gave yet another kibble to Jjangah. He reached inside the dog food packet and stretched out his hands towards Baekhyun. "What?"
"I just wanted to feed you. You seemed so hungry." Kris smiled.
"God, Kris why are you so annoying?! I'm not a dog in my previous life! And neither will I be, okay?"
Kris laughed as he put down Jjangah to play with her other siblings and reunite with her father. "I wonder how it feels to have a dog. I didn't have one because Mom wouldn't allow it. When I came here in Korea, people were so.. unpredictable. Some thought I'm some homeless thief, some even thought I was just pity-partying since I'm taller than most people here. I was so lost to say the least. I didn't even know why I chose Korea to run away. I was just wandering. Until Luhan saw me. He must have thought I was Chinese so he immediately talked to me, asking me if I have a place to stay. Luhan was an angel and he will always be. I just feel like I'm a stray dog which he just found." Kris looked at Baekhyun who was staring at the ceiling. "Baekhyun! Were you even listening?"
Baekhyun kept silent as he continued to look at the ceiling. Millions of thoughts raced his mind and he was scared that if he opened his mouth to ask at least one of it, Kris might shut down. This was why Kris rarely talked to anybody else with the same depth and intensity. People who hear his voice and what he says have a tendency to overthink and let themselves swim in a pool full of possibilities and thoughts. And Kris knows that better than anyone else.
So it was a mystery to say the least that he opened up to this boy who seemed to not care about him. The only thing Kris didn't know was that this boy felt himself getting close to him, like a fire inviting a weak and unknowing moth. He liked the warmth Kris exuded, because Kris never lets himself get cold. He never lets anyone get cold.
"Baekhyun!"
"WHAT?! Stop shouting! I'm like beside you, you gigantic dumbass." Baekhyun looked at him and for the first time than he'd like to admit, Kris glowed like the sun. Even in this dead of the night.
----
"Baekhyun? Are you okay?" Jongdae asked as he got Jjangah out of his hold and into her father's arms. Jongin had been asking for his baby as soon as he returned from the kitchen backroom and he didn't even know why Baekhyun stood perfectly still near the dining table. Almost as if remembering something so important. No. Actually, Jongin knew why but he didn't want to press it on because he knows Baekhyun has been hurting a lot. Everyone has.
"What? Oh. Yeah. I'm sorry. I got stunned for a moment. I probably forgot how to hold a dog or forgot your kids live here." Baekhyun smiled as he gave one last pet on Jjangah's head and walked away. "I'm going out! Be back by dinner."
Jongdae and Jongin looked at each other with sad eyes communicating that Luhan should know just how miserable Baekhyun was. "Yes, Luhan hyung has to know."
"Right. I'm going to follow Baekhyun. Who knows he might do something reckless." Jongdae volunteered. He was on the door when Kyungsoo spoke, "Baekhyun is not stupid. He wouldn't do something so reckless and put his life on danger." Jongdae shrugged and was about to retaliate when Jongin mouthed 'go' as he fished out his phone and dialled the one person who could possibly help Baekhyun, and probably Kris. “Hyung, we need to talk.”
----
Baekhyun walked towards the park. The flashbacks had been a pain lately. It has been happening one after the other and he finds himself gasping for air once it stops. And right now, his heart clenches so tight it hurts to even straighten his back. Is this a heart attack? But he's quite young to have one.
The park looks so alive that he almost forgot it exists, that life exists. He was so cooped up in his self-pity that he didn't realize people have also been hurting inside but chose to go on with their daily lives yet he chose to be a teenager refusing to eat and talk to people like the mature adult that he should be.
Jongdae silently followed Baekhyun as he observed how Baekhyun looked at all the people smiling, the trees that were slowly swaying because of the Autumn breeze like everything's a first time. He hid a smile when he saw Baekhyun smiled on a little kid telling her mom that there was a nest on one of the branches of the tree. How the little kid saw it was beyond his imagination. He didn't want to interrupt Baekhyun's peacefulness. It had been days since he felt so relaxed like this. The last time he saw him like this was when he finished his thesis.
Baekhyun felt the need to look back and knew it was Jongdae instantly who was following him, grinning like the idiot that he is. "So now, you're being a stalker? Don't worry, I won't do something stupid." Baekhyun laughed and he feels it flowing out his body. He feels the stress finally leaving through his vocal chords that resonate through the air with that tiny laugh. He had to admit, walking around the park does wonders and he feels better. A lot better.
"How are you?" Jongdae caught up with him and walked beside him. He didn't want to ask if he was okay, he might say yes when he clearly isn’t.
"Hmmm" Baekhyun hummed before continuing, "before? I was broken. Like a million pieces broken I didn't even know if becoming whole again was possible. He.." and trailed off.
"It's okay if you don't want to tell me. I'm not forcing you to." Jongdae quickly said. He saw an ice cream vendor and pulled Baekhyun towards that direction. "Hello ahjussi! Vanilla and Chocolate, please."
"You really do know me, huh?" Baekhyun chuckled as he reached out for the ahjussi's vanilla ice cream.
"Baek, are you really asking me if I know you? Seriously??" Jongdae exclaimed. "Do you want me to tell you how you peed on my bed 1st grade? Or when I accidentally saw you eating your booger 3rd grade? Oh Baekhyun, you know I have a lot of your embarrassing mess in my head. Let me see, I think I have a timeline ever since pre-school until our last day in the University. I have a good memory." He tapped his own head and smirked that evil one which Baekhyun always found himself wanting to rip out from his face.
"Fine! You don't have to announce it to everyone in the park." Baekhyun laughed as the horror of all the monstrosities he did way back then was starting to creep him out. He kept silent for a few minutes contemplating whether to just tell Jongdae the truth or come up with a lie to save his face. But hell with it. "Kris was really special to me."
"I know. No. We know." Jongdae supplied as he licked his ice cream.
"No Dae, like he was really special. I think I loved him. And I think I still do."
"I knoooooow. How many times are you planning to tell me you like Kris hyung?!" Jongdae whined. "We've known, Baek. Those smiles you give each other gave it away. Especially the way you both look at each other." Jongdae smiled. It was finally out, the big secret everyone has tried to hide for their sake.
"But how?!" Baekhyun's mouth opened and closed like a fish, contemplating whether to say something or not. "I don't understand."
"Let me tell you something. Back when we were at Disneyland where Joonmyeon hyung paid our whole trip, don't tell me you don't remember it?" Jongdae led them towards a bench.
"Of course I do! Anything I didn't shed money I can remember."
--
"Dae, can you help me?" Kris looked frantic. It was nearing the time for the fireworks and he hasn't even bought anything. He was going to give something to Baekhyun only he didn't know yet what it should be. "I need to buy a gift. Something like a keepsake or something that can be used."
"And who is this for?" Jongdae's prying tone made Kris turn a deep shade of red. "Do you have someone special?! KRIS HYUNG HOW ARE YOU CAPABLE OF LOVING SOMEONE?!" He exclaimed as Kris tried to shush the other by putting a hand over his mouth.
"Do you want the whole Disneyland to know?! And besides, I don't love him. I think I just like him." He sulked and looked down, avoiding eye contact with Jongdae when he realized he said 'something' he shouldn't have said.
"Hyung, is it, by chance, Baekhyunnie?" Jongdae asked cautiously. He had been feeling something was wrong with the two because when Kris is near, Baekhyun would scramble off towards the opposite side of the room and jumps into whatever conversation he had unintentionally joined. Kris, on the other hand, didn't seem to notice there was something wrong with their set-up. He, too, have been avoiding Baekhyun because the feelings and awkwardness wasn't supposed to be there in the first place.
"How did you know?" Kris looked taken aback because he hadn't quite even figured that part out yet. He didn't want to believe that he was slowly falling for his friend, something new for the group who had been living under one roof.
"I didn't. I was just speculating and then here you are, basically screaming at my face all your feelings for my dear best friend." Jongdae shrugged before continuing, "well, actually, Sehun was the first one to notice. So naturally, he told Jongin since they're practically inseparable. Oh and Zitao knew too because Sehun couldn't keep his mouth shut whenever he bribed him with bubble tea and you know how the kid's a sucker for bubble tea. It's like his only goal in life is to be the bubble tea master or some---".
"Dae, we all know how Sehun and bubble tea is one entity." Kris interrupted him as he looked at his phone for the time. 30 minutes more before the fireworks display.
"Right. So where was I? Oh yes. So he told Jongin and then I accidentally, uh, heard them talking about it and I just barged in and made them tell me everything they know since I was the other party's best friend and I deserved the right to know. It's all stated in the How to NOT Keep a Secret 101 created by yours truly. You should have lessons from me. I'd give it to you for free since you're a new subscriber." Jongdae wriggled his eyebrows when he suddenly pouted. "Oh... I still don't have a publisher."
"Kim Jongdae, the hell was that?!" Kris incredulously asked. "I have 15 minutes left, thanks to your rambling!" He paced back and forth as he kept on looking at his phone for the time.
"Okay, I'm sorry. Now let's go get your gift. I might just know what you're looking for." Jongdae grinned as he led the other towards a nearby Disney shop.
"You're taking me to a Disney shop. Seriously, Dae? I have no time for this." He turned his back, ready to exit the store when Jongdae pulled the hem of Kris' shirt that made him trample backwards. "Jongdae." He whined.
"You old man, listen to me first, okay? This is what I saw awhile ago. Baekhyun was oddly fascinated by this and when we waved for him to go with us, he can't tear away his eyes from it. I know he has this weird obsession with these but I just think it could be the perfect gift you're asking me." Jongdae shrugged with that knowing smile Baekhyun wanted to rip out.
"You are seriously so freaky. How did you know all those stuff?" Kris widened his eyes as he picked it up from Jongdae's hands.
"Of course, I'm the best friend!"
"I'll take it. How much is it?"
"150 Hong Kong Dollars. It says it right here, old man." Jongdae pointed to a label on top of the stack.
"150 HKD FOR A CUP?! WHAT THE HELL?"
"You are so stingy for someone giving a gift to someone special." Jongdae facepalmed. "Okay, let's split. But you get the credit."
"No. I'll take it. Fully." Kris walked towards the cashier. He fished out his wallet to get some money when Sehun popped in.
"Oh. Getting the loved one a gift huh?" Sehun teased.
"Crap! Don't do that, Sehun! I aged 10 years, jeez." Kris clutched his chest to pacify the tremors that is Sehun.
"Hyung, I swear you should've seen your face. Anyway, don't I deserve a bubble tea for being such a good dongsaeng?" He did those puppy eyes he rarely does except when we're talking about bubble tea.
"Hyung! Good thing, you're going to pay for it. I have no money in my pocket right now." Jongdae sheepishly said as he rubbed the back of his neck and looked everywhere but Kris' eyes.
"Kids." He sighed as he got out another 100 HKD. "Here. Buy yourselves some bubble tea. Now go and don't disturb me okay!"
"BUBBLE TEA!" Sehun screamed as he grabbed the money from Kris' hands. "I'm buying bubble tea and there won't be any left for Jongdae hyung~." He sang as he skipped outside the store.
"Ya! I have a share in that! You brat! Come back here!" Jongdae shouted as he ran after Sehun who was still skipping like a 6 year old.
Kris laughed as he looked towards his gift and only one thought remains in his head, "I hope Baek likes this. But who even gives a cup for a gift?" He laughed as he realized he was so stupid in falling for Jongdae's trap.
---
"Jongdae, you're getting carried away, again." Baekhyun cut off Jongdae as he threw the tissue he used in the trash bin.
"Oh. Right. Yeah. So, that's it! What else do you want to know?"
He was met with a few minutes of silence. Baekhyun looked like he wanted to ask something, but there's something blocking him from doing so.
Jongdae saw right through it and voiced out, "why didn't he tell you he liked you?" Baekhyun's eyes widened. He looked down to avoid looking at Jongdae. He realized he cannot hide anything from this man. He was his best friend, his brother and if anything, his soulmate. They do everything together that this issue seemed such a stranger in Baekhyun's eyes.
"Yes." Baekhyun's voice came out so soft that he seemed so unsure of himself. He was a man of many things but being insecure wasn't a part of it. Maybe recently, when he became sure of his feelings for the man who went away.
"I don't know. Really. We were so sure that after that night you'd be his, and he'd be yours. I don't know what happened, Baek. Only you can answer that question." Jongdae looked at him and pat his shoulders a little before standing up. "Come on, I think Kyungsoo prepared doenjang jjigae and I'm sure you are starving."
"Ya! I fed myself and Monggu when you left us alone! But yeah, you're right. I'm hungry. Let's head back." He stood up as he walked side by side with Jongdae and linked their arms.
Kris was a puzzle that will probably never get solved but Baekhyun was sure of one thing. He missed Jongdae, and the brat, and Jongin. Everyone else. And now it's time to put back the memories behind him because that's what it will always be, just memories.
----
He looked at his phone, admiring how that rectangle smile gave him so much butterflies he feels it filling his stomach until it reaches up his throat and his entire body. "I miss you, and everyone else. But please just understand me. I love you, Baek. I always have. And Jongdae would have probably said it by now but everything is just too late."
He put back his phone in his pocket as he called out for the team. "Alright, Chanyeol, you can start now."
"Ne."
A few hours had gone by as the whole music and production team made a few more arrangements before settling for the best recording. Kris looked back at his phone contemplating whether to message Baekhyun or just call him. Days have passed and he still feels like shit for leaving Baekhyun.
"Kris, thanks for doing this for us." Luhan said as everyone packed up. "It's really nice that you thought of us as your first artists."
"Of course, man. We've been together since middle school! I can't just slip a man of talent go to waste! Besides, you'll be bringing in money for me." Kris laughed as he pat Luhan's shoulder.
"Aren't you going to tell Baekhyun and recruit him as your artist? He's a good singer." Chanyeol interrupted. “It’s probably for the best that he isn’t under my company.” Kris muttered.
Luhan noticed the bags under Kris’ eyes and he knew it was only because he left the dorm building. “Kris, this is killing you. Look at your eye bags! They aren’t even bags anymore, they’re luggages! Why can’t you just admit you miss him and everyone else? Why did you even hide building your own music company from the others? Aren’t they trustworthy for you to share something valuable to them?”
“No! They are really great friends. They helped me after you guys left the building and wouldn’t even tell me beforehand! I’m still mad at you about that though.” Kris raised his eyebrow and Luhan sheepishly smiled.
“I don’t really know why I didn’t tell them anything. I just packed out all my bags that day I got reprimanded at work. I didn’t even think! For God’s sake, Baekhyun broke down in front of me and that didn’t even stop me from leaving. I don’t know. I really don’t know.” He heaved a deep sigh. “I think I just got all fed up and exploded at the wrong person. And I know I screwed up. All my life people have always been telling me what to do and I hated how little control I have with my life. I don’t want to continue living like a dog. I want to make choices for myself.”
Luhan looked at Kris sadly. “I think I know where you’re coming from.” Chanyeol suddenly spoke. “But hyung, we left because we never really fit in with you all. Sehun, Jongin and Zitao are still studying. Kyungsoo and Yixing already made a name for themselves as both are doctors and Minseok just started looking out for a job. Baekhyun and Jongdae seems happy with their agency and Joonmyeon, I don’t really care about him. He’s loaded and a big boy. He can take good care of himself. What I’m worried about is you. When we left, we wanted to let you come with us but Luhan hyung didn’t want to. Besides, we were following our dreams and you knew about it. Well, we both admit we weren’t even close to achieving that dream until you and your offer came and we jumped on it desperately.”
“Yes, but this is different. I can’t risk him being hated by his parents. I knew if I told him I’m making this, he’d asked me to take him in and help him fulfill his dreams. But I can’t, Chanyeol. I just can’t. I can’t do that to him. I won’t do that to him.” Kris looked so helpless and seeing the pain in his eyes broke Luhan’s heart. “Hey, what do you mean Luhan didn’t want me to come?! You ass!” Kris realized as he tackled Luhan on a neck-breaking grip in which the latter just laughed it out.
“I’m sorry, Kris. It’s just, I noticed how you’ve been really happy ever since you met Baekhyun and I can’t take that away from you. You weren’t this carefree when we were in China. Your eyes look so alive, man. You are so in love with him.” Luhan looked down, guilt evident on his face.
Kris knew it was pointless arguing. He can’t hide anything from Luhan just like Baekhyun can’t hide anything from Jongdae. He missed Baekhyun and his fluffy hair, his soft skin, his charming smile, his everything. He couldn’t deny how he was really so broken when he left and he wonders if Baekhyun was as broken as he is. “So what are you going to do now?” Chanyeol asked. Kris silently looked at the staff currently cleaning up after the recording. “I don’t know.” He murmured.
Baekhyun almost had the same dream as Kris. There were nights where both would sneak out of their dorms and go to the nearest convenience store to eat anything and talk about dreams that were both vague and impossible. Kris knew Baekhyun wanted to be a singer, just like him, Luhan and Chanyeol. He told his parents but they were so against him becoming one that he settled to being just a creative output employee in an advertising agency. He was one of those singers who made up lyrics spontaneously and preferred to use the shower head as their microphone and bathing essentials as his audience. And sometimes, Kris stays outside the door just to listen to him sing.
--
“Duizhang, w-what are you doing there?” Baekhyun stepped back as he clutched his towel hanging around his neck. He never gets out wearing nothing so, thank God, thought Kris.
“I’m just, nothing! I was just wondering who was singing since it was so loud and off-pitch and it turns out it was you. So, yeah, can you keep it down when you’re taking a bath?” Kris grinned.
“YA. AT LEAST I HAVE A BETTER VOICE THAN YOURS. ALL YOU DO IS RAP BUT YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S ACTUALLY OFF-PITCH THAN ME!” Baekhyun shouted as he pushed a laughing Kris so he could go back to his room.
As soon as Baekhyun was out of sight, he breathed out a sigh of relief and immediately looked at his phone where it showed a microphone with 3:21 minutes recorded. “So much for being a stalker, Kris, but who cares.” He chuckled to himself.
--
“Hyung, Jongin called Luhan hyung. He says it has been days since Baekhyun went out of his room. He evaded sleep and he rarely ate anything. I’m worried for him, hyung. Can’t you just talk to him? Please? Tell him anything just to make him eat.” Chanyeol looked as if his favorite pet died. He grabbed Kris arm before continuing, “hyung, please. Just let him eat at least.”
“I’m not sure, Chanyeol. You know he hates me up to his very core. I think when he hears my voice he’ll immediately end the call.” Kris looked as if contemplating whether he’ll really talk to him. It has been days, and if he hears his voice, he could break down. He could be broken and no one would even know how he can become whole again. But looking at the poor kid infront of him made him realize, it’s better to be broken than see everyone else suffering for what he has done. “I’ll see what I can do.”
Kris walked away as he tried to think how he will open up his conversation with him. But all of a sudden, his phone rang. “Hello?”
“Duizhang.”
Kris stopped in his tracks, blood running cold and heartbeat erratically beating. He missed this voice. He missed him dearly and it took every ounce of his remaining strength to not break down. “Baekhyun.”
“Yeah, I was just calling to tell you that what Jongin probably told Chanyeol isn’t even close to the real situation. You know how he likes to exaggerate things. So.. yeah. That’s it. I’m hanging up.” Baekhyun was about to end the call when Kris probably spoke to soon.
“H-hey, Baek. Don’t hang up.” Kris’ voice broke. He waited for anything, at least the sound of breathing from the other line but nothing. “Please.”
Baekhyun heaved a deep breath. “What is it, Kris hyung?” Kris almost dropped his phone when he heard him say hyung. He went inside a nearby room and locked it, hand on his mouth as he tried to muffle his sobs. Tears streaked down his cheeks and he feels his chest clenching so tight he can’t properly breathe.
“Hyung, I’m hanging up if you don’t start talking. I have a lot to do and--”
“Baek, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry for only talking to you now, for leaving you behind, for not telling you everything. You and the others deserve to know the truth which I kept from you. I’m sorry, Baekhyun. This isn’t enough, and I know you won’t even probably forgive me but please, just hear me out.” He spoke softly, letting his emotions flow through his voice. “I’m just so sorry, Baek. For everything.”
“Hyung, sorry doesn’t amount to forgiveness. I understand why you had to do it and leave us. But don’t expect to hear me say “I forgive you” because I’m sure as hell it won’t be happening anytime soon. I’m sorry, too, if I can’t find it in myself to forgive you. Please don’t call me anymore. We can just forget everything and move on, just like how people come and go.”
“Baek…” Kris didn’t know what to say. His voice felt so distant, so far from the usual cheery Baekhyun he’d known.
“I’m sorry, Kris-ssi. I don’t care if you talk to the others, they probably already know everything and forgave you easily but I’m sure I haven’t forgiven you just yet. I’m sorry and goodbye.”
As the line went dead, Kris gripped his phone as if his life depended on him. And maybe, it really did.
--
After 6 months, Kris’ agency became famous nationwide, with several talented teenagers flocking the doors of his building, seeking out a contract to sign. Luhan and Chanyeol had been successful with their 2nd mini album, Tears, in which Kris himself participated and wrote some of the songs.
There was only one album who had a special song in it, and it wasn’t released nationwide.
Joonmyeon gathered the group for dinner and invited Jongdae, Yixing, Zitao, and Minseok to join them at their dorm.
“Hey, everyone. This came from Chanyeol earlier this day. Most of you weren’t able to see it because of school and work and I think it’s for Baekhyun.” He fished out a thin package, almost as if a thin box is inside and handed it out to an unsuspecting Baekhyun who was busy devouring his spaghetti.
“What?” Mouth wide open, he reached out for the package as everyone looked over, waiting for him to open the package. He hopes it wasn’t what he was afraid of.
As he placed the wrapper aside, he saw Luhan and Chanyeol’s faces on the CD cover with their names written on the lower right part of it. It was their first mini album, Chances. “But I have this already! Chanyeol even gave it to me himself! He’s really annoying right now.” Baekhyun groaned.
Sehun quietly spoke, with a knowing smile plastered on his face, “look at the tracks hyung, before you babble again.”
He looked behind the CD and noticed there were actually six tracks instead of the usual five. He ran back to his room to get the CD he owned and placed it side by side to see the difference. The last track entitled, “Thunder” wasn’t supposed to be there and for some reason, it crept him out.
He immediately listened to it, and thought how every word and note punches him in the gut. This was the song Kris had been composing, the one he suddenly bared his soul to him one night. After months of being so strong, the tears that once dried up, felt more alive than before.
“I thought you didn’t know how to write lyrics, you giant oaf.” He chuckled as he wiped his tears. “I forgive you, Jjanggu-ya. Please be happy, always and forever, my gigantic oaf.” He smiled as his eyes trailed towards the cup on his cupboard, being so happy that for the first time after months, he doesn’t feel like smashing the cup to pieces.