Spiderbutt
What the hell? I woke up this morning with four itchy, red welts on my ass. Neatly lining the gray area between cheek and back-of-leg, to be specific. They're definitely some kind of bites, probably spider bites. They itch like you would not believe, and nothing I do seems to help. Damnit, I am going to die of spiderbutt! Currently, I am icing the area with a frozen pack of No-Name brand bacon and trying very hard not to think about how the spider got in that crevice in the first place. Especially considering that I sleep on my back. And why bite four times, in a neat little line? I better get superpowers from this!!