KAT-TUN fanfic: Election
Title: Election
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Pairing: Akame
Genre: Humor, Crack, Romance
Word Count: 8753
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Johnny-sama has already conquered the Japanese Entertainment Industry. Why not aim for the American presidential election next?
A/N: I'm not going to claim I don't have an agenda posting this ( ' v ' ). But I'm posting it purposefully after most people in my time zone have already voted, but before the results are in, so that it's seen as just a satire. My own political views, while abundantly clear in the story, are not being pushed onto you.
I wrote the entire thing today, so as to post it in a timely manner. Forgive my mistakes? :D;
For once, it was a slow day. KAT-TUN was hanging out in their break room, each working on their own individual projects. Koki and Nakamaru were memorizing lines for a new drama, Kame and Ueda were writing lyrics, and Junno was playing on his DS while Jin stared off into space.
Kame glanced up at Jin from his notebook. It wasn't often that Jin seemed so deep in thought. More often, he was messing up a practice, being silly, or flirting with the staff. Kame briefly considered that Jin might be debating over what to have for lunch when Jin turned to him.
“Kame,” he said, his eyes reflective. “Are you happy?”
Kame blinked.
“I guess so,” Kame said. “I'm successful, I have fun, and I have great friends. What more do I need?” He paused, looking at Jin oddly. “Why? Aren't you?”
“Nnng...” Jin made a non-commital sound. “I guess it's okay. It's just that things have been so boring lately.”
Kame gaped at him. “Jin. We work 14 hour days. We're on tour all the time. We do dramas and interviews and our show-”
“But that's just it!” Jin interjected. “We do that stuff all the time! I want something new!”
“Like what?”
“I don't know! Something to work toward,” Jin said, making a face. “Like before we debuted... we all had a goal to work towards. We're at the top now. Where else can we go?”
It was more than a little disconcerting, Kame reflected, to see Jin being ambitious. Kame watched as Jin bit his lip, pouting.
“I want to do something!” Jin whined. “What's something important coming up?”
“The Canadian election,” Nakamaru offered from across the room. “Halloween, Christmas, the American election-”
“That's it!” Jin yelled. Everyone jumped. “I'll become America's next president!”
Koki and Nakamaru burst into laughed. Kame just gaped at him.
“Jin,” he said carefully. “You can't possibly be America's next president.”
“Why not?” Jin demanded.
“For one thing, you weren't born there,” Kame said, ticking reasons off on his fingers. “you're not 35, you haven't lived in the country for 14 years, you don't have American citizenship-”
“So?” Jin scowled.
“So those are the rules, Jin! You have to meet the criteria in order to be eligible to run.”
“...oh.”
Jin fell silent, looking down moodily at the floor.
“Why can't I do anything cool?” he muttered. “Can't become American president... I bet Johnny-sama would be able to become the president if he wanted to...”
There was a pause.
“Johnny-sama was born in America,” Junno offered.
“He's certainly over 35,” Ueda added.
“He's definitely lived there for at least 14 years,” Nakamaru commented, smirking.
Jin sat still for a long moment, his eyes starting to gleam.
“Yesss,” he breathed. “Johnny is American. Johnny could run for president.”
Kame felt a chill run down his spine.
“No, Jin,” Kame said firmly. “Johnny is not going to run for American president. It is not going to happen.”
“Why not?” Jin asked, his eyes glinting. “He's already conquered the Japanese Entertainment Industry. Why not the world?”
“Candidates have been running for over two years for the American presidency!” Kame exclaimed. “You can't honestly think that Johnny would be able to-”
Koki glanced at Nakamaru.
“I always thought the American candidates were a bit uptight,” he said.
Kame threw his hands up.
“Johnny doesn't have the time to campaign!”
“We could campaign for him,” Nakamaru pointed out.
“Johnny doesn't have the funds to run a campaign!”
“We could fund raise,” Junno added. “And who knows what Johnny's personal fortune is like?”
“Johnny doesn't want to take over the world!” Kame said desperately.
Even Ueda looked up at that, raising a delicate eyebrow.
“...okay. So maybe he does,” Kame admitted. “Johnny'll never for it, though! And you'd need his permission before launching a campaign to elect him president.”
At that, Jin lapsed into silence, gnawing at his lip.
“He might say yes,” Jin ventured. “I could ask him.”
Kame sniffed.
“Be my guest.”
* * *
Kame had all but forgotten the discussion the next morning, and was much more focused on his steaming coffee when he walked into the building, only to freeze at the hurricane of activity inside.
“I need three more packing crates!”
“Daisuke, we need you in room 5!”
“Did anyone submit that button order??”
“Where the hell are the pirate costumes?!”
“Jin!” Kame said, seizing his friend as he walked by. “Jin, what's going on?!” Kame looked around, his eyes slightly frantic.
“Haven't you heard?” Jin asked, his eyes widening. “Johnny said yes!”
“Yes to what?” Kame demanded.
Jin laughed.
“We're going to America, Kame-chan!” he exclaimed, his eyes sparkling. “Johnny's running for president!”
With all the chaos with the aids and interns and Johnny's scrambling about, Kame dizzily considered that it was probably a bad time for him to faint, his vision blacking out moments before he hit the floor.
** *
When Kame came to, he awoke to a very large pair of brown eyes hovering over his own.
“Aah-!! Jin!!”
Jin leaped back, shrieking. Kame sat up, wiping his eyes.
“I was worried!” Jin said defensively, his eyes wide with concern. “There was no need to scare me like that!”
Kame just looked at him, and Jin flushed.
“...are you okay?” Jin asked, biting his lip. “You had quite a fall.”
Kame groaned, rubbing his head.
“I think so,” he said, glancing around. “Where are we?”
They were in a large room decorated in soft whites and blues, with a low ceiling and several comfy chairs spread in a circle.
“We're in Johnny's private jet,” Jin said happily. “We're over the Pacific Ocean right now, planning campaign tactics.”
“Campaign tactics-?”
“Kame! You're up!” Koki crowed, coming through a blue curtain back into the room, followed closely by Nakamaru and Ueda. “Excellent! Just in time, too! We can't have a meeting without our campaign manager!”
“Manager?” Kame sputtered. “Wait, Johnny's really-”
“Running for president, yes,” Koki nodded. “He's appointed you to be in charge of his platform. You and Yamapi are joint campaign managers for the entire project.”
Kame felt his mouth drop open. Jin laughed.
“We've got Johnny's entire staff on board,” Jin told him, his eyes dancing. “Kanaji8, NEWS, and Arashi are on the plane as well, ready to help campaign and get Johnny's message out.”
“Which is why we need you,” Koki cut in. “You have to figure out what Johnny's message is going to be.”
“I'd suggest something that appeals to girls,” Ueda said, settling a pair of glasses on his nose. “We're going to be appealing mainly to the fangirl base and youth vote, so something hip and cool would work best-”
“Guys! Do I look okay?”
Kame glanced up to see Junno coming into the room, wearing a smart suit, his hair combed, looking mildly uncomfortable at both facts.
“Excellent!” Koki praised. “You'll make an excellent public relations executive!”
“Public relations?” Kame faltered. “Junno?”
Koki nodded. “Junno's our public relations person,” he said. “Ueda's in charge of demographics and finances. Nakamaru and I are in charge of street campaigning, and you and Jin are on the speech-giving team. And, of course, you have to do the platform, too.”
“Wait wait wait wait wait wait,” Kame said, shaking his head. “You can't be serious. This is all just some elaborate joke that you guys are playing on me to mess with my head for being such a wet towel yesterday-”
“It's not a joke, Kame!” Jin said excitedly, bouncing. “We're going to be in America in three hours! Isn't it exciting?”
“And we have better have a platform by then,” Koki said, nudging a pen and notepad towards him. “So you had better start writing, kid.”
* * *
Despite his inability to reconcile the mental idea of Johnny actually running for president, Kame managed to produce a moderately-acceptable framework of a game plan and platform on which to run an hour before they they were to land.
“Ooh! I like these slogans, Kame!” Jin exclaimed, reading from his notes. “'All or Nothing'! 'Now or never'! 'Never look back'! These are really catchy, Kame!”
“This platform's not half-bad either,” Koki said approvingly. “I'm impressed.”
“It's a mix of ancient philosophy, modern objectivism, and the manifesto of soma guy called Dr. Steel,” Kame said, rubbing his temples. “Dr. Steel's trying to take over the world, of course, but I figured 'Why not! So is Johnny-sama!”
“If we're trying to take over the world, shouldn't we include 'Don't you wanna see when we make it world wide with our campaign slogans?” Junno asked, peering over Jin's shoulder.
“Ah, I don't think we should advertise the fact that Johnny's eventually aiming for world domination,” Kame said hastily. “That's generally not considered a good thing. We'd have people calling Johnny the Antichrist.”
“That could help us lock in the Satanist vote,” Ueda pointed out. “It's not like the religious right is going to vote for us anyway.”
“Voting for an Antichrist is very trendy,” Nakamaru put in. “All the kids would want to do it.”
“Then- we'll just publish our CDs over here, too, with the proceeds to go directly to Johnny'd campaign,” Kame said, his mind racing. “The Satanists can draw their own conclusions as to what the lyrics mean.”
“Good idea.”
“That'll work.”
“So... our campaign is yes on economy improvement, no on war, yes on lower taxes...” Koki said, flipping through Kame's notes. “What's this, 'yes on foreign policy'?”
“I figure that Johnny's coming from a foreign country,” Kame said tiredly, rubbing circles on his temple. “What better foreign policy experience can you get?”
“Ooh! I like it!” Nakamaru said, writing it down. “That's clever, Kame! Good job!”
Kame rubbed at his eyes. “Thanks.”
Pi came striding into the cabin, wearing a pair of oddly-fitting glasses and a suit, a pen tucked behind his ear.
“We're going to land in ten minutes,” he told them, reading. “Upon landing, Arashi will go to LA to begin campaign concerts, while News and Kanaji8 start in New York to take on the East coast. Ryo and I will be accompanying you, KAT-TUN, in a nation-wide tour to spread the message of Johnny.” He paused, looking up. “We do have a message, right Kame?”
Kame sighed. “Yes, Pi.”
“Good. It had better be a good one. We'll xerox copies of it and give a copy to every Johnny to make sure they have at least a vague idea of what we're fighting for. Meanwhile, be sure to start campaigning. Jin, Kame, we have our starting rally for you in San Francisco, with approximately 50,000 fangirls attending. That's tomorrow. Make sure you have a speech ready.”
,i
Kame choked. “Fifty thousand? Pi, how'd you manage to get that many people that fast...?”
Pi shrugged. “All I know is Uchi went online back at the airport, muttering something about El-Jay comms. Anyway, you'll have fifty thousand in attendance, so be sure to make it good.”
Jin beamed, and Kame tuned Pi out as he turned to Koki and Nakamaru, opting to rub his head and try to make sense of his life instead.
* * *
“Look at them all!”
“It's not any more than we have at our shows, Kame-chan,” Jin remarked, peeking through the curtains. “It's really not all that many at all.”
“Who ever heard of fifty thousand people going to a political rally? It's insane.”
“Barack Obama holds stadium speeches,” Jin pointed out. “Those hold about 80,000, and they're always have every seat filled.”
“We don't even have seats,” Kame moaned. “We have fifty thousand people standing in a parking lot, Jin. And a portable stage. Am I the only one who thinks we are clearly out of our league?
“Hush, Kame. We'll be fine. Ready? There's our cue!”
Kame stumbled as Jin dragged him out from behind the curtain to screaming applause, girls jumping up and down, waving posters and signs of Kame's face. Most of them were Asian, but a large number of them were not, but hanging on his every word nonetheless. Kame swallowed.
“Relax. It'll be fine,” Jin hissed at him, smiling and waving at the crowd. “Just give your speech, and I'll translate, just like we planned. It'll be fine.”
“Are you sure you know enough English for this?” Kame murmured, fumbling with his speech. Jin looked highly affronted.
“Am I sure-? Kame, I lived here for six months. I know this language inside and out.”
“Okay, okay,” Kame said, dismissive. Taking a deep breath, he looked up, and the crowd fell silent.
“My friends!” Kame began. “We come before you today to give you a message, a message you have never before heard. We bring you a message of happiness, of a life that before now you have only dreamed! My friends, we come before you to help you save and revitalize your great nation, America!”
“Friends! We help you!” Jin announced, beaming. There was thunderous applause at this, fangirls shrieking and stamping their feet.
“Are you sure you know what you're saying?” Kame asked out of the side of his mouth, looking intimidated by the incomprehensible yells of “Help us, Jin! and “Let US be your friends, Kame!”. “I said quite a bit, and you didn't say all that much at all...”
“Please,” Jin scoffed. “Americans have 60,000 words in their dictionary, while Japan only has a twelfth of that. You can express much more with a single word in American than many words in Japanese.”
This made sense to Kame. Biting his lip, he moved on.
“We understand the the mistakes your nation has made, how your current leaders have failed you, embroiling you in some centuries-old religious conflicts to attempt to further some decayed notion of what is 'right'” Kame said, reading aloud. “We clearly feel that this is a wrong that must be rectified, not only for your own national security, but also for the very happiness your livelihood depends on. Through our past, you can see our dedication to this very happiness, and our dedication to your cause.”
“War is bad!” Jin announced, holding his arms out grandly. “But music is good!”
“But a new age is coming!” Kame declared. “The Age of Johnny will be an age of economic prosperity, an age of the freedom to pursue your own desires, and age of the freedoms that your nation was founded on!”
“The purpose of life is to be happy!” Jin translated. Why would you not want to be happy? Vote Johnny!”
“It is time to return your great nation to the ideals it was founded on,” Kame read. “The ideal of freedom, a life worth living, and the pursuit of happiness. This, Johnny promises you!”
“All or nothing! Now or never!” Jin declared. “We can make it happen! We can make it all right! Vote for Johnny and be happy! Vote for us!!”
The speech ended to thundering applause and loud shrieking and screaming, fangirls clapping and shouting and pounding their feet, yelling for an encore and for another speech.
“Is this normal?” Kame asked Jin, backing up in terror as girls threw their panties at the stage. “I mean, do Americans really get this excited about politics?”
“Americans are silly,” Jin reassured them, beaming and waving happily as the screaming continued. “They wear their shoes in the house, here. How normal can they be?”
* * *
“Thank you, Julie. In other news, 'We can make it happen.' 'All or nothing.' No, it's not the sound of some new song, but the sound of another presidential candidate announcing his entry into the political arena. We go now to our political correspondent, Nancy. Nancy, just who is this new candidate?”
“Thank you, Leil. With less than a month to the election, it's certainly surprising to hear that there's a newcomer to the race. What's even more surprising, however, is just how much support this candidate has garnered in just the space of two weeks.”
“They call him Johnny, or Johnny-sama, in come circles. Though a native-born American, he's lived in Japan for most of his adult life, becoming a successful businessman, running an entertainment industry. And now Johnny is making his bid for the White House as well.”
“What's surprising, though, is that Johnny has not actually been seen himself. His entertainers enthusiastically do all his campaigning for him, even running the campaign and making important policy decisions. We take you now to Jin Akanishi and Kazuya Kamenashi, Johnny's chief speakers.”
Nancy: How are you, boys? Welcome.
Jin: We are good! Thank you!
Kame: Jin, what's her name again?
Jin: Nancy, Kame-chan. Pay attention.
Kame: All right! Sorry...
Nancy: So, boys, what's it like campaigning for a virtual unknown? How are you finding communication with American voters?
Jin: We- we are liking campaigning very much. It is very fun, to go around and tell people our message of happiness. People are not happy, they are wanting something happier, and Johnny-sama makes people happy.
Nancy: What is it like, being depended on to make crucial decisions about your platform? Have either of you had any foreign or domestic policy experience?
(Jin whispers frantically to Kame, who whispers back. Jin straightens)
Jin: Miss Nancy, it is very nice to be able to be trusted with such a responsibility like this Johnny has given to us. At Johnny's, we use democracy, just like your nation. What all of us know is better than what only one person know. Johnny uses many people to help him discover the best ideas, and from this he forms his platform. Also, we are from Japan, which is foreign, so we all have much, much foreign policy experience, you see.
Nancy: Haha, boys. Of course. But what about these allegations of Johnny being a child molester?
(Jin freezes, looking terrified)
Kame: What is it? Jin? What's wrong??
Jin: They want to know about Johnny and his messing with the Johnny's Juniors!!!
Kame: Oh hell no! How did they hear about that?? That's supposed to be a well-kept secret!! No one knows about that!!
Jin: (frantic) But she knows, Kame, she knows! What do I say??
Kame: Just deny it all. We've never heard anything about it, and it's ghastly for them to make up such horrible untruths.
(Jin nods, turning back to Nancy)
Jin: We are simply aghast to hear such allegations, Miss Nancy. I ask you, what kind of horrid man would do such a thing? Johnny would not. Johnny's message is one of kindness and happiness. Johnny would never do such a thing. Johnny-sama is not a pedophile, oh no. Both Kame are shocked - shocked! - to hear such a falseful claim. We are suspecting, Miss Nancy, that one of the opposing presidential peoples are putting it out there to mislead the wise voting public.
Nancy: I'm glad to hear it, boys. Thank you for talking with me.
Jin: Thank you.
Kame: Thank you.
“Johnny's campaign is being promoted by Campaign Concerts, produced by other groups of Johnny's Entertainment, as well as by the sale of buttons with Johnny's idols' faces on them, which go for approximately $50 a piece. Johnny's campaign has also launched a new series of TV shows they call “Johnny's dramas”, that I must admit, are must-see TV that run daily in the prime-time hour on major networks. These dramas, said to promote Johnny's message to American public, run from 7 until 10 nightly, with reruns on the weekends.”
“As of last polling, 48% of voters are leaning toward voting for Barack Obama, 39% of voters toward McCain, and a full 12% of voters intending to vote for Johnny, this virtual unknown. Despite his somewhat unconventional campaign tactics, clearly, this Johnny-sama is a candidate to keep an eye on for the next month.”
“Thank you, Nancy. Now: friend or foe? A local dog attacks a toddler, savagely ripping an arm off. Coming up next: what you should know about man's best friend.”
* * *
“Woooooo!!!”
There was much partying in the campaign headquarters that night, Koki and Nakamaru dancing around with a bottle of champagne, catcalling and yelling at the TV. Junno was laughing and giggling, doing backflips off the walls, and the lot of Johnny's Juniors were running around and screaming, half-drunk thrilled to be having so much fun.
“I don't see why everyone's so happy,” Kame pointed out, biting his lip hard, watching as a junior crashed into the media pod. “It was just an interview. We got on the air right before a story about a dog.”
“It's still a major step for the campaign, Kame,” Ueda pointed out, writing on his clipboard. “This news clip will be circulated around the Internet in a matter of minutes. People will be curious, and send it to their friends, wanting to know more about Johnny and who he is. More people will be open to hearing our message, and more people will vote for Johnny.”
“We did good in the interview, didn't we Kame?” Jin exclaimed, leaping over the back of the sofa to drop down beside Kame, draping an arm around his shoulders. “We did great!”
Kame glanced at Jin, flushing slightly and removing his arm.
“I wouldn't say 'great',” Kame told him. “It was adequate. We could have done much worse.”
Jin pouted. “I thought we did good,” he informed him.
“Speaking of which, what's all this about J-drama on American TV?” Kame asked. “The first I heard of it was when that Nancy woman mentioned it.”
Ueda smirked. “It's one of my better ideas,” he commented. “We've launched a set of new drama that's dedicated to promoting Johnny's message. Good entertainment, great ratings, and more votes in one fell swoop. Here, take this one.” Ueda leaned over, passing him a script.
“Operation Corporation - Codename: Love?” Kame read, disgusted. “Ueda, this doesn't even make sense.”
“Wait until you hear about it,” Ueda told him. “We've got Jun Matsumoto playing the part of a young corporate bigwig, following his father's footsteps in running the company. He falls for this local girl who goes to the public university, but he can't be with her because of America's current social structure and how the tax brackets are run.”
“Like a modern-day Romeo and Juliet,” Jin added.
“Exactly. The entire show is about building their tragic love, and then at the end, Johnny's elected president, and everyone has their happy ending. We've got tons of spin-offs of this theme.” Ueda rummaged through his pile, pulling out scripts. “Here's the one about the drug dealers who can't get into the overcrowded public schools and make something out of themselves. There's one about a White House aid in love with an ELF revolutionary, but unable to reconcile her duty to the president with her love of him and the environment until Johnny comes to power. We also have a classic one about a band trying to make it in the big time-”
“I don't want to hear it,” Kame said, shaking his head. “I can't believe it. These dramas are actually working?”
Jin grinned, and Ueda rolled his eyes.
“Jin was able to secure the help of several very popular American actors and actresses for the filming,” Ueda said succinctly. “Apparently, while in LA last year, Jin neglected his music lessons in favor of crashing Hollywood parties.”
“But it paid off!” Jin said, beaming. Ueda rolled his eyes.
“So. What's next?” Kame tried. “I mean, we've got a platform, and we're giving speeches. We're selling merchandise and everyone's CDs all over again. Except travel expenses, what are we really spending all our fund raising on?”
“That's the next step,” Ueda told him. “Koki and Nakamaru are working on a series of television ads. Junno's helping out as well. They should be done in a couple days for you to review.”
“This is all so exciting!” Jin said, bouncing. “Kame! We're helping Johnny to run for president! Isn't this fun?”
“A headache is more like it,” Kame groaned, but he couldn't help but return Jin's happy smile with a small one of his own on his lips.
* * *
Kame decided not to hold anymore rallies.
“Rallies are silly,” he declared. It's just people who are already going to vote for Johnny getting all excited all over again. What we really need to be doing is to be convincing other people to vote for Johnny. Those are the people we should be going after.”
Jin disagreed, enjoying the fun of yelling and offering fanservice to thousands of girls on a daily basis, but Kame has the final say in the matter, so that was that.
Instead, Kame and Jin began holding public speeches and discussion on policy issues and their message in an effort to help clear the confusion that had arisen. It'd started when Koyama said something about Johnny's position on tax equality, and Uchi had chimed in with how people could go out more often to get drunk with a lower alcohol tax, and Kame had decided that maybe they needed to be more firm on their positions on certain issues.
It was rather fun, Kame thought sometimes. It was great fun to be traveling a foreign country with Jin, whose perpetual happiness made everything into an adventure and something fun. It was also nice to engage in so much substantiative discussion, something he didn't often get while working for Johnny in Japan. And it was exciting, in a way, to watch the polls climb higher as more and more voters started leaning toward Johnny, to hear the cheers of everyone in the campaign after a long day of speech-making, and to know it was a job well done.
But rallies had none of that, and Kame was quite adamant about their removal.
He said as much to Jin one day, as Jin helped him straighten his tie for a rally.
“Ueda said this is the last rally,” Jin promised, eyes focused on Kame's neck. “When you announced the end of the rallies, the fangirls of New York and Pennsylvania nearly revolted, and they all started writing in 'Miyavi' on their poll slips to get our attention until Ueda conceded that we'd give them a rally.”
“Miyavi?” Kame said, incredulous. “Just how much do Americans know about Japanese pop culture?”
Jin offered him a smile, and Kame rolled his eyes.
“And we're on!”
The rally went well. The screaming fangirls were obnoxious, certainly, but there were more girls who were more quiet, thinking over the things Kame actually had to say, and a surprising number of men in the audience, actually considering Kame's policy points. Kame smiled, finishing his speech on a high note, before asking for any questions.
Jin translated a few about social issues for him, mainly pertaining to abortion and LGBT rights (Jin had gotten much better at translating after Koki had pummeled him) that Kame answered, generally winding the rally to a close.
“Anything else?” Kame asked, looking around. He pointed. “Yes. You.”
A girl jumped up, her face beat red. “So. So you're for gay rights, aren't you?” she squealed.
Jin translated, and Kame nodded in the affirmative.
“We believe that everyone has a right to happiness,” he said. “No matter who they love.”
Jin dutifully translated this back, which caused the fangirl to gasp.
“Then- then- then- will you two kiss for us?!?” she shrieked.
Immediately, the rest of the crowd screamed in a cloud of fangirlish glee, taking up the chant “Kiss him! Kiss him!”. Jin's face turned a bright red, and Kame looked worried.
“What are they saying?” he hissed to Jin. “Did we do anything wrong?”
Jin's face flamed. “No... they're asking us for something.”
“Well, then give it to them!” Kame said, irate. “We're trying to please these people, after all! What is it, an autograph?”
“If you say so.” Jin turned towards Kame, his cheeks flushing prettily. Kame gave him a strange look.
“Spit it out, Jin,” he told him. “What is it they want?”
“This,” Jin said, and then promptly sealed his lips over his.
* * *
“I can't believe I did that,” Kame moaned, hiding his face in his hands back at the campaign headquarters. “I can't believe we kissed in front of all those people.”
Ueda glanced over at him, shrugging. “I can. They were calling for it, and fanservice is what we do,” he told him. He smirked. “What I can't believe is just how long you went for it, Kame.”
Kame's face flamed. “Don't remind me,” he muttered, hiding his head.
It really hadn't been his fault, Kame contemplated. When Jin had kissed him, Kame had sort of frozen for a moment. Jin kissing him had been quite nice, he remembered, soft and innocent and teasing, before Kame had lost control and taken Jin's face in his hands to kiss him back more thoroughly. It had taken three minutes of continuous shrieks and screams and five security officers yelling that eight girls had fainted before Kame had regained his mind and finally pulled away, leaving Jin looking completely and thoroughly kissed in front of the cameras for the rest of the nation to see.
It'd been completely Jin's fault, Kame rationalized. He hadn't meant to kiss Jin for quite so logn. It was- Jin had done something to him that had made his mind temporarily say good-bye. It hadn't been his fault at all. Which was all fine and good, really. Jin had flushed prettily for a while, but then adjusted, teasing Kame about it and moving on good-naturedly with the campaign.
But Kame was finding he was having a heard time adjusting.
Jin was everywhere, Kame suddenly noticed. Jin smiling, Jin waving, Jin beaming at crowd after crowd. It was hard not to watch Jin's lips as he translated, caressing unknown words, and even harder not to get lost in his sparkling eyes for hours at a time as they traveled, his enthusiasm never wearing down.
Kame bit his lip, hard. It was just a phase. It only made sense that he'd be feeling a little different after sharing such a passionate kiss with someone. It would pass.
“Hiii, Kame!” Jin sang, leaping onto the couch beside him without warning. Kame shrieked, jumping about a foot, and Jin laughed.
“A bit edgey, are we, Kame-chan?” he teased, and Kame's face flamed.
“I am not!” he said hotly. “I was just deep in thought!”
“Sure,” Jin said, smiling, and Kame flushed, turning away. Ueda smirked.
“Now that you're here, Jin, there are political ads for you to go over,” Ueda told them. “Ready?”
Jin nodded happily, and Kame sighed, giving his own acquiesce.
“Good. Here's number one.”
It was Koki and Nakamaru trolling the streets of a run-down metropolis, talking to voters.
“I mean, life is miserable, man!” a thuggish-looking man said, folding his arms. “People with seven houses and a Harvard education just don't understand the real struggle, man! They've never fought to survive!”
“Word, bro,” Koki said, and then he, Nakamaru, and the thug spontaneously started rapping.
“When you down and low, you know you got the one place to go,” Koki rapped. “Johnny's in the can, he's the man with the plan, gonna make them elitists beat, bringing happiness back to the streets-”
“It goes on,” Ueda said, hurriedly fasting forward. “We have a few along those lines. These are the ones with Junno.”
“Hey! Have you heard?” Junno called out to Nakamaru. Nakamaru shrugged, looking confused.
“Heard of what?”
“Heard of Johnny!” Junno exclaimed.
“What's a Johnny?”
“No, no, he's a person! Johnny's going to make us happy, have you heard?”
“What do I care if a herd is heard, I have nothing against cows!”
Kame stared at the screen blankly as Junno and Nakamaru burst into laughter, followed by a banner proclaiming VOTE JOHNNY.
“...I didn't understand that at all,” Kame told Ueda. Ueda bit his lip.
“Ah, yes. Well. Um. Junno wrote that one,” he admitted. “He wanted to try his hand at English puns.”
“That was crap,” Jin said bluntly. “Ne, Kame, make them write better ones,” he said, cuddling up to Kame's arm.
Kame flushed brilliantly, yanking his arm roughly from Jin, who pouted and looked hurt.
“Write better ads,” Kame told him. “We can't have this sort of thing going on TV! We need this to look official.”
Ueda frowned. “We need something to keep the media busy, though,” he said, consulting his clipboard. “There's not been anything new for them to analyze for a while, and we need to keep Johnny's name in the air.”
“We could do a debate!” Jin suggested suddenly, his face brightening. “Oh, Kame, we could argue with the Obama man and the one who can't raise his arms! We could do it on TV, too! That's what presidential people do, isn't it! Let's do that!”
“A debate?” Kame said, incredulous. “Jin, I don't know enough English to have a debate-”
“That's a great idea, Jin!” Ueda proclaimed, looking revitalized. “I'll set it up. Massu and Uchi found things on the other candidates that they don't want leaked out, so we can even blackmail them if necessary. It'll be the day after tomorrow. Kame, make sure you learn English before then, okay? I have to set this up-”
Ueda left the room, muttering frantically to himself, pulling out his cell phone and making several calls. Kame stared after him blankly, before turning to Jin.
Jin offered him a sheepish smile.
“Rosetta Stone will help?”
Kame just groaned.
* * *
Miraculously, Kame managed to learn English before the debate. He only knew about 6,000 words, half of which he'd learned in his sleep, but Ueda had reassured him that most of the rest of English were just other words that meant the same as the one's he'd learned.
The debate had been decided to be conducted in Q&A format, with the vice presidential nominees debating alongside their presidential candidates. This allowed Johnny's team to have two people up on stage at one time, which would double the amount of fangirls who watched.
Ryo had been chosen to appear with him on the debate in place of Jin. Jin, they'd deemed, was too much of a nice guy, and well that was all good and proper, they needed smart, hard-asses to appear on the debate, hard-asses who wouldn't be afraid to really bite the bullet and tackle the issues.
And Ryo certainly hadn't hesitated in that, arguing fiercely with Obama and McCain, calling them out on their mistakes, waving documents of their voting records, and inferring dirty things about their wives whenever possible.
Kame, for his part, had spent most of the debate standing very still, hoping the secret service didn't try and shoot them both.
“You claim you want to lower taxes for the middle-class American, but you've proposed all these new programs!” Ryo raged, waving a handful of papers at Obama. “How do you expect to pay for these programs? Even a kindergartener could do better math than you! High budget does not equal low taxes, you moron!”
“That's what I've been saying all along,” McCain said smugly. Ryo jerked sharply, before rounding on him.
“And you-! You're the most disgusting, pathetic slob of a presidential candidate I've ever seen!” Ryo snapped, fire burning in his eyes. “You say you're for the 'real America' and 'moral values', but all you do is grovel to the Republican party, disown your long-standing values for the nomination, cheat on your first wife, and cater to the corporations that are paying your campaign fees! No one wants a Joe-sixpack running the country! Joe sixpack would probably look at Russia and wonder if it'd be fun to have a Missile shoot-out, and then BANG! We're all dead!”
Kame flinched. At least the debate would get high ratings, if nothing else.
“Joe six-pack,” Sarah Palin murmured, winking. Ryo scowled.
“Hey, now that's just not fair,” McCain objected. “You say I'm against moral values, but you're supporting gay marriage?”
“That's right,” Ryo affirmed, sniffing. “What of it?”
“That is about the most immoral thing I've ever heard of,” McCain said nastily. “Marriage is between a man and a woman. It's in the Bible. Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed because of their dirty ways-”
“Excuse me?” Kame said sharply. Ryo turned, surprised, only to see Kame's eyes narrowing to slits.
McCain looked startled. “I- Sodom and Gomorrah were-”
“Have you never heard of the separation between church and state?” Kame demanded, eyes flashing. “Has it not occurred to you that even without that, the Vatican has acknowledged large parts of the Old Testament as fiction, and that Christianity now believes in a merciful and loving God? Have you never heard of the American concepts of “freedom” and “equality” and “pursuit of happiness”?”
“You- You're twisting my words,” McCain sputtered, defensive. “I never said-”
“You disgust me,” Kame said venomously, advancing toward McCain. “You spend your life being a liberal Republican, being for abortion and for gay rights, only to flip and adopt pathetic, closed-minded views of a cowardly public to try and sneak into the white house to keep America on its path to destruction, and then claim that you're in the right? That you have morals? That you're a respectable person that people actually want running things?!”
Kame was right at his podium now, yelling, his eyes glowing fiercely. Swallowing hard, McCain looked up into his eyes and glared.
“Yes, I am,” McCain said nastily, his eyes glinting. “And they're much better morals then the one's you're promoting-” He lowered his voice to a whisper, so only Kame could hear.
“-faggot.”
Kame saw red, and the next thing he knew he was being had hauled off McCain, Sarah Palin screaming, blood covering his fist and McCain's jaw hanging off his face at an odd angle, the entire audience in an uproar. Dizzily, Kame looked back and saw McCain yelling at him, swearing vehemently as best he could, hand holding his jaw in place as secret service crowded around him, and Kame yelled back at him, still threatening him as Ryo forcibly dragged him away.
* * *
“Ueda-sama!”
“Sama?” Kame asked. Ueda ignored him.
“What?” Ueda demanded. “I'm busy, Shuichi.”
The young boy bit his lip.
“One of the juniors did the paperwork to register to get on the national ballot,” he said quickly. “Apparently, he misunderstood the format. It was set up for the presidential candidates last name, followed by the first. Obama-Biden. McCain-Palin.”
“I see,” Ueda frowned. “Go on.”
“Well, he put down 'Johnny-sama' on the form. So Johnny has no vice-president, now. Or his last name at all.”
Ueda groaned, rubbing his head.
“Fine,” he said. “This is what we're going to do. We're going to pretend like we did it on purpose, because everyone knows him as 'Johnny-sama'. And you're going to warn your friend that if he makes another mistake like this, he's going to be sacrificed to the gods for good luck on the campaign. Got it?”
The little boy squeaked and nodded violently, running off. Ueda scoffed.
“Amateurs,” he said. He turned to Kame.
“So,” he said conversationally. “That was quite a performance you pulled last night. I especially enjoyed the screaming arrest.”
“Go ahead,” Kame groaned. “Tell me how bad it is.”
Ueda shifted uncomfortably, adjusting his clipboard.
“It's not as bad as you'd think,” he said. “Of course, McCain is pressing charges for assault and battery, as well as slander and defamation. But overall, the debate was an immense success. It got the highest ratings CNN has ever gotten, and approximately 70% of the nation was watching.”
Kame groaned. “70% of America saw me slug John McCain.”
“I'd say most likely all of America, as all major networks have been replaying the clip over and over again since last night,” Ueda commented. “Didn't you know?”
Kame scowled. “They didn't have subtitles on the TV in my cell.”
Ueda nodded. “American jails are like that. You're lucky I got there quickly with the money for your bail.”
Kame scowled, and Ueda coughed and moved on.
“Our polling with the liberals is way down,” Ueda said, checking his charts. “Apparently, most Democrats don't want a president whose lackey's haul off and slug people in the face-”
“Tell me something I don't know,” Kame muttered.
“-But our polling with the Republicans is way up,” Ueda continued. “Most Republicans thought that John McCain should have been able to take a punch without screaming like a sissy, and that he's being a pussy for bringing charges down on your instead of duking it out like a man. The Libertarians and youth crowd largely think that John McCain was asking for it, and the Green Party is pleased that you and Ryo both wore eco-friendly suits on the debate, so they're leaning toward Johnny too. Overall, our polls are at about 35%, with Obama's at 45%, and McCain's at 20%.”
Kame gaped.
“...you're not serious.”
Ueda nodded. “That's not even the best part. Because of your passion on gay rights, social equality's become a major component of our platform. The LGBT political society officially announced their endorsement for Johnny this morning, and they've donated a full half of their funds to our campaign. It's a huge amount. Apparently, there are more gay rich people than you'd think.”
“That's... great. Wow.”
Ueda raised an eyebrow. “You don't seem very excited,” he noted.
Kame sighed.
“I am. It's just... I made a fool of myself on national TV in a foreign country. What kind of image does that promote for Japan?”
Ueda smirked. “The only 'facts' most Americans know about Japan are that they bombed us, our government supposedly allots 1 billion US dollars a year into the research and development of new sexual fetishes, and that we sell used schoolgirl's underpants in our vending machines. Quite honestly, any opinion you can spread has to be better than what we've got.”
Kame blinked.
“...they think our government researches sexual fetishes??”
Ueda smiled dryly. “You'd be surprised.”
“Kame-chaan!!”
Kame turned quickly to see Jin running at him, beaming. “Kame-chan!” he called happily. “Did you hear? John McCain is dropping the charges against you!”
“Wait, really?” Kame said, stunned. “Why?”
“Ryo and I convinced him that he looks like a huge wuss trying to persecute you for it,” Jin said, grinning. “You're good to go, Kame! You can leave the country again!”
Kame flushed at Jin's happy smile, looking away.
“...thanks, Jin.”
Ueda raised an eyebrow, a slow smirk spreading across his face as he watched Kame.
“So, Kame,” Ueda said, his tone innocently conversational. “What prompted the heated defense of homosexuality last night?”
Kame's face flamed, and he shot a dark look at Ueda. Jin perked up.
“I heard about that!” Jin said. “You punched McCain over that, ne?”
“He punched McCain because he called him a faggot,” Ueda said. Jin frowned.
“What's that mean?”
“It means-”
“Nothing, Jin. It's not a nice word, and it's not important.” Kame glared at Ueda.
“How'd you find that out?” he hissed.
Ueda smirked. “Your mike picked it up. The entire audience heard.”
Kame groaned, rolling over on the sofa and hiding his head.
“...Kame?”
Kame felt Jin move to sit by him on the couch, touching his back lightly. “Kame? Kame-chan, I'm sure it's not that bad. No one thinks any less of you, you know.”
“Jinnnnn,” Kame moaned. “Go away. Please.”
“No,” Jin said, stubborn. “You're overreacting to this entire thing, Kame. I don't see why you're being so weird about all this.”
Kame mumbled into his pillow, and Jin poked him savagely in the side. With a yell, Kame sat up.
“Jeez, Jin,” Kame said, rubbing his side and glaring at Jin as Ueda sneaked from the room. “Get more violent, why don't you?”
“Shut up,” Jin said, annoyed. “Kaaaame, just tell me why you've been acting so weird around me,” he whined.
“I haven't been acting weird,” Kame lied.
“Liar,” Jin declared.
“Am not,” Kame scowled.
“Liar!!”
Jin pounced on Kame with a yell, pinning him down to the couch, glaring into his eyes. Kame swallowed heavily.
“You will tell me why you've been acting so weird now,” Jin announced. “You will tell me, or I won't let you up.”
Kame bit his lip, looking directly into Jin's eyes.
“Why are you so insistent about this?” Kame asked. “Anyone else would just accept that I'm acting a bit weird and move on.”
Jin flushed slightly. “I'm not being insistent about this,” he said quickly.
Kame's eyes narrowed, suspicious.
“Now who's the liar?” Kame asked. “Why do you care so much about why I'm treating you differently, Jin?”
Jin's face colored. Kame raised an eyebrow, and he smiled.
“Have you been hoping that my impassioned defense of gay rights had something to do with you, Jin?” Kame asked, watching.
“No!!” Jin denied fiercely, his face flaming.
Kame smirked.
“Really,” Kame commented, freeing one of his hands to tousle in Jin's hair. Jin flushed.
“Well- maybe a just little-” he admitted.
Kame smiled.
“Good,” Kame said, and pulled Jin down into a kiss.
* * *
The rest of the month passed by in a blur.
Kame and Jin still went all over the country, but Kame couldn't remember exactly where they'd been or what they'd said. Instead, he remembered cuddling with Jin on the buses across the country, or Jin tugging his hand and pulling him to see the Washington Monument, or taking Jin to see a fireworks display at a county fair. The campaign swept by in a whirlwind of stress and work, but Kame had Jin and his perpetual enthusiasm by his side. It was impossible to be around Jin so often and not have some of his optimism rub off on you.
“Look at this,” Jin said, glowing, handing Kame a poll. “Seventy percent of America thinks that Johnny-sama would make a good president, and 50% of them think he's better than Obama.”
“That's incredible,” Kame said, but he was looking at Jin. Jin flushed and batted him away.
“Ne, pay attention, Kame!” he whined. “Look! With the polls this close, we might just win this thing!”
Kame laughed. “I thought that was the point all along?” Kame said, amused.
“Well,” Jin said, considering. “Kind of. It was more for fun and to get to hang out with you, really. That's why I insisted on you being my partner for all the events. And I wanted you to come to America with me this time, 'cause you didn't before. And I didn't really care about doing all that campaign stuff, only getting away from recording cartoon KAT-TUN for a few weeks-”
Kame snorted. “You, Jin,” he pronounced, “are the most selfish being I have ever encountered.”
Jin smirked, taking a sweeping bow.
“When Johnny's in the White house, with me as his Vice President, I'll let you come and visit me overnight in the Lincoln bedroom,” Jin slyly offered. Kame froze.
“Oh really?” Kame said, his eyes darkening. He smirked. “Why not have a practice visit now?”
Jin blinked, looking confused.
“Kame, that doesn't make any sense. For one thing, we're not in the White house, we're just in the back room of the bus. Second, you live here too, so you can't actually visit it. And how would you practice-”
Kame pounced and Jin shrieked, and the drivers of the bus very carefully made sure not to hear anything else from the back during the next half hour, making sure the radio was kept on loud the entire way.
* * *
“We lost??”
“Of course we lost,” Ueda sniffed, packing up. “Johnny didn't expect us to win. He just expected us to make a lot of money, promote JE, and do all the work for all his benefit. What else is new?”
Kame looked outraged.
“We did all this campaigning for nothing?” he sputtered. “Nothing?”
Ueda shrugged. “Sometimes, that's just the way it goes.”
Kame looked about ready to punch someone again, when Jin intervened.
“I'm still here, Kame,” he said, pulling on his arm. “And I'll still be here when we come back to Japan. You wouldn't have me if we hadn't done all this, would you?”
Kame considered.
“All right, all right,” he conceded. “So I've found my own true happiness, I've learned a lot about morals and whatnot, and I've become a better person through the journey. But if Johnny didn't win, who did?”
Ueda smirked. “You'll just have to look it up and see.”
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Pairing: Akame
Genre: Humor, Crack, Romance
Word Count: 8753
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Johnny-sama has already conquered the Japanese Entertainment Industry. Why not aim for the American presidential election next?
A/N: I'm not going to claim I don't have an agenda posting this ( ' v ' ). But I'm posting it purposefully after most people in my time zone have already voted, but before the results are in, so that it's seen as just a satire. My own political views, while abundantly clear in the story, are not being pushed onto you.
I wrote the entire thing today, so as to post it in a timely manner. Forgive my mistakes? :D;
For once, it was a slow day. KAT-TUN was hanging out in their break room, each working on their own individual projects. Koki and Nakamaru were memorizing lines for a new drama, Kame and Ueda were writing lyrics, and Junno was playing on his DS while Jin stared off into space.
Kame glanced up at Jin from his notebook. It wasn't often that Jin seemed so deep in thought. More often, he was messing up a practice, being silly, or flirting with the staff. Kame briefly considered that Jin might be debating over what to have for lunch when Jin turned to him.
“Kame,” he said, his eyes reflective. “Are you happy?”
Kame blinked.
“I guess so,” Kame said. “I'm successful, I have fun, and I have great friends. What more do I need?” He paused, looking at Jin oddly. “Why? Aren't you?”
“Nnng...” Jin made a non-commital sound. “I guess it's okay. It's just that things have been so boring lately.”
Kame gaped at him. “Jin. We work 14 hour days. We're on tour all the time. We do dramas and interviews and our show-”
“But that's just it!” Jin interjected. “We do that stuff all the time! I want something new!”
“Like what?”
“I don't know! Something to work toward,” Jin said, making a face. “Like before we debuted... we all had a goal to work towards. We're at the top now. Where else can we go?”
It was more than a little disconcerting, Kame reflected, to see Jin being ambitious. Kame watched as Jin bit his lip, pouting.
“I want to do something!” Jin whined. “What's something important coming up?”
“The Canadian election,” Nakamaru offered from across the room. “Halloween, Christmas, the American election-”
“That's it!” Jin yelled. Everyone jumped. “I'll become America's next president!”
Koki and Nakamaru burst into laughed. Kame just gaped at him.
“Jin,” he said carefully. “You can't possibly be America's next president.”
“Why not?” Jin demanded.
“For one thing, you weren't born there,” Kame said, ticking reasons off on his fingers. “you're not 35, you haven't lived in the country for 14 years, you don't have American citizenship-”
“So?” Jin scowled.
“So those are the rules, Jin! You have to meet the criteria in order to be eligible to run.”
“...oh.”
Jin fell silent, looking down moodily at the floor.
“Why can't I do anything cool?” he muttered. “Can't become American president... I bet Johnny-sama would be able to become the president if he wanted to...”
There was a pause.
“Johnny-sama was born in America,” Junno offered.
“He's certainly over 35,” Ueda added.
“He's definitely lived there for at least 14 years,” Nakamaru commented, smirking.
Jin sat still for a long moment, his eyes starting to gleam.
“Yesss,” he breathed. “Johnny is American. Johnny could run for president.”
Kame felt a chill run down his spine.
“No, Jin,” Kame said firmly. “Johnny is not going to run for American president. It is not going to happen.”
“Why not?” Jin asked, his eyes glinting. “He's already conquered the Japanese Entertainment Industry. Why not the world?”
“Candidates have been running for over two years for the American presidency!” Kame exclaimed. “You can't honestly think that Johnny would be able to-”
Koki glanced at Nakamaru.
“I always thought the American candidates were a bit uptight,” he said.
Kame threw his hands up.
“Johnny doesn't have the time to campaign!”
“We could campaign for him,” Nakamaru pointed out.
“Johnny doesn't have the funds to run a campaign!”
“We could fund raise,” Junno added. “And who knows what Johnny's personal fortune is like?”
“Johnny doesn't want to take over the world!” Kame said desperately.
Even Ueda looked up at that, raising a delicate eyebrow.
“...okay. So maybe he does,” Kame admitted. “Johnny'll never for it, though! And you'd need his permission before launching a campaign to elect him president.”
At that, Jin lapsed into silence, gnawing at his lip.
“He might say yes,” Jin ventured. “I could ask him.”
Kame sniffed.
“Be my guest.”
* * *
Kame had all but forgotten the discussion the next morning, and was much more focused on his steaming coffee when he walked into the building, only to freeze at the hurricane of activity inside.
“I need three more packing crates!”
“Daisuke, we need you in room 5!”
“Did anyone submit that button order??”
“Where the hell are the pirate costumes?!”
“Jin!” Kame said, seizing his friend as he walked by. “Jin, what's going on?!” Kame looked around, his eyes slightly frantic.
“Haven't you heard?” Jin asked, his eyes widening. “Johnny said yes!”
“Yes to what?” Kame demanded.
Jin laughed.
“We're going to America, Kame-chan!” he exclaimed, his eyes sparkling. “Johnny's running for president!”
With all the chaos with the aids and interns and Johnny's scrambling about, Kame dizzily considered that it was probably a bad time for him to faint, his vision blacking out moments before he hit the floor.
** *
When Kame came to, he awoke to a very large pair of brown eyes hovering over his own.
“Aah-!! Jin!!”
Jin leaped back, shrieking. Kame sat up, wiping his eyes.
“I was worried!” Jin said defensively, his eyes wide with concern. “There was no need to scare me like that!”
Kame just looked at him, and Jin flushed.
“...are you okay?” Jin asked, biting his lip. “You had quite a fall.”
Kame groaned, rubbing his head.
“I think so,” he said, glancing around. “Where are we?”
They were in a large room decorated in soft whites and blues, with a low ceiling and several comfy chairs spread in a circle.
“We're in Johnny's private jet,” Jin said happily. “We're over the Pacific Ocean right now, planning campaign tactics.”
“Campaign tactics-?”
“Kame! You're up!” Koki crowed, coming through a blue curtain back into the room, followed closely by Nakamaru and Ueda. “Excellent! Just in time, too! We can't have a meeting without our campaign manager!”
“Manager?” Kame sputtered. “Wait, Johnny's really-”
“Running for president, yes,” Koki nodded. “He's appointed you to be in charge of his platform. You and Yamapi are joint campaign managers for the entire project.”
Kame felt his mouth drop open. Jin laughed.
“We've got Johnny's entire staff on board,” Jin told him, his eyes dancing. “Kanaji8, NEWS, and Arashi are on the plane as well, ready to help campaign and get Johnny's message out.”
“Which is why we need you,” Koki cut in. “You have to figure out what Johnny's message is going to be.”
“I'd suggest something that appeals to girls,” Ueda said, settling a pair of glasses on his nose. “We're going to be appealing mainly to the fangirl base and youth vote, so something hip and cool would work best-”
“Guys! Do I look okay?”
Kame glanced up to see Junno coming into the room, wearing a smart suit, his hair combed, looking mildly uncomfortable at both facts.
“Excellent!” Koki praised. “You'll make an excellent public relations executive!”
“Public relations?” Kame faltered. “Junno?”
Koki nodded. “Junno's our public relations person,” he said. “Ueda's in charge of demographics and finances. Nakamaru and I are in charge of street campaigning, and you and Jin are on the speech-giving team. And, of course, you have to do the platform, too.”
“Wait wait wait wait wait wait,” Kame said, shaking his head. “You can't be serious. This is all just some elaborate joke that you guys are playing on me to mess with my head for being such a wet towel yesterday-”
“It's not a joke, Kame!” Jin said excitedly, bouncing. “We're going to be in America in three hours! Isn't it exciting?”
“And we have better have a platform by then,” Koki said, nudging a pen and notepad towards him. “So you had better start writing, kid.”
* * *
Despite his inability to reconcile the mental idea of Johnny actually running for president, Kame managed to produce a moderately-acceptable framework of a game plan and platform on which to run an hour before they they were to land.
“Ooh! I like these slogans, Kame!” Jin exclaimed, reading from his notes. “'All or Nothing'! 'Now or never'! 'Never look back'! These are really catchy, Kame!”
“This platform's not half-bad either,” Koki said approvingly. “I'm impressed.”
“It's a mix of ancient philosophy, modern objectivism, and the manifesto of soma guy called Dr. Steel,” Kame said, rubbing his temples. “Dr. Steel's trying to take over the world, of course, but I figured 'Why not! So is Johnny-sama!”
“If we're trying to take over the world, shouldn't we include 'Don't you wanna see when we make it world wide with our campaign slogans?” Junno asked, peering over Jin's shoulder.
“Ah, I don't think we should advertise the fact that Johnny's eventually aiming for world domination,” Kame said hastily. “That's generally not considered a good thing. We'd have people calling Johnny the Antichrist.”
“That could help us lock in the Satanist vote,” Ueda pointed out. “It's not like the religious right is going to vote for us anyway.”
“Voting for an Antichrist is very trendy,” Nakamaru put in. “All the kids would want to do it.”
“Then- we'll just publish our CDs over here, too, with the proceeds to go directly to Johnny'd campaign,” Kame said, his mind racing. “The Satanists can draw their own conclusions as to what the lyrics mean.”
“Good idea.”
“That'll work.”
“So... our campaign is yes on economy improvement, no on war, yes on lower taxes...” Koki said, flipping through Kame's notes. “What's this, 'yes on foreign policy'?”
“I figure that Johnny's coming from a foreign country,” Kame said tiredly, rubbing circles on his temple. “What better foreign policy experience can you get?”
“Ooh! I like it!” Nakamaru said, writing it down. “That's clever, Kame! Good job!”
Kame rubbed at his eyes. “Thanks.”
Pi came striding into the cabin, wearing a pair of oddly-fitting glasses and a suit, a pen tucked behind his ear.
“We're going to land in ten minutes,” he told them, reading. “Upon landing, Arashi will go to LA to begin campaign concerts, while News and Kanaji8 start in New York to take on the East coast. Ryo and I will be accompanying you, KAT-TUN, in a nation-wide tour to spread the message of Johnny.” He paused, looking up. “We do have a message, right Kame?”
Kame sighed. “Yes, Pi.”
“Good. It had better be a good one. We'll xerox copies of it and give a copy to every Johnny to make sure they have at least a vague idea of what we're fighting for. Meanwhile, be sure to start campaigning. Jin, Kame, we have our starting rally for you in San Francisco, with approximately 50,000 fangirls attending. That's tomorrow. Make sure you have a speech ready.”
,i
Kame choked. “Fifty thousand? Pi, how'd you manage to get that many people that fast...?”
Pi shrugged. “All I know is Uchi went online back at the airport, muttering something about El-Jay comms. Anyway, you'll have fifty thousand in attendance, so be sure to make it good.”
Jin beamed, and Kame tuned Pi out as he turned to Koki and Nakamaru, opting to rub his head and try to make sense of his life instead.
* * *
“Look at them all!”
“It's not any more than we have at our shows, Kame-chan,” Jin remarked, peeking through the curtains. “It's really not all that many at all.”
“Who ever heard of fifty thousand people going to a political rally? It's insane.”
“Barack Obama holds stadium speeches,” Jin pointed out. “Those hold about 80,000, and they're always have every seat filled.”
“We don't even have seats,” Kame moaned. “We have fifty thousand people standing in a parking lot, Jin. And a portable stage. Am I the only one who thinks we are clearly out of our league?
“Hush, Kame. We'll be fine. Ready? There's our cue!”
Kame stumbled as Jin dragged him out from behind the curtain to screaming applause, girls jumping up and down, waving posters and signs of Kame's face. Most of them were Asian, but a large number of them were not, but hanging on his every word nonetheless. Kame swallowed.
“Relax. It'll be fine,” Jin hissed at him, smiling and waving at the crowd. “Just give your speech, and I'll translate, just like we planned. It'll be fine.”
“Are you sure you know enough English for this?” Kame murmured, fumbling with his speech. Jin looked highly affronted.
“Am I sure-? Kame, I lived here for six months. I know this language inside and out.”
“Okay, okay,” Kame said, dismissive. Taking a deep breath, he looked up, and the crowd fell silent.
“My friends!” Kame began. “We come before you today to give you a message, a message you have never before heard. We bring you a message of happiness, of a life that before now you have only dreamed! My friends, we come before you to help you save and revitalize your great nation, America!”
“Friends! We help you!” Jin announced, beaming. There was thunderous applause at this, fangirls shrieking and stamping their feet.
“Are you sure you know what you're saying?” Kame asked out of the side of his mouth, looking intimidated by the incomprehensible yells of “Help us, Jin! and “Let US be your friends, Kame!”. “I said quite a bit, and you didn't say all that much at all...”
“Please,” Jin scoffed. “Americans have 60,000 words in their dictionary, while Japan only has a twelfth of that. You can express much more with a single word in American than many words in Japanese.”
This made sense to Kame. Biting his lip, he moved on.
“We understand the the mistakes your nation has made, how your current leaders have failed you, embroiling you in some centuries-old religious conflicts to attempt to further some decayed notion of what is 'right'” Kame said, reading aloud. “We clearly feel that this is a wrong that must be rectified, not only for your own national security, but also for the very happiness your livelihood depends on. Through our past, you can see our dedication to this very happiness, and our dedication to your cause.”
“War is bad!” Jin announced, holding his arms out grandly. “But music is good!”
“But a new age is coming!” Kame declared. “The Age of Johnny will be an age of economic prosperity, an age of the freedom to pursue your own desires, and age of the freedoms that your nation was founded on!”
“The purpose of life is to be happy!” Jin translated. Why would you not want to be happy? Vote Johnny!”
“It is time to return your great nation to the ideals it was founded on,” Kame read. “The ideal of freedom, a life worth living, and the pursuit of happiness. This, Johnny promises you!”
“All or nothing! Now or never!” Jin declared. “We can make it happen! We can make it all right! Vote for Johnny and be happy! Vote for us!!”
The speech ended to thundering applause and loud shrieking and screaming, fangirls clapping and shouting and pounding their feet, yelling for an encore and for another speech.
“Is this normal?” Kame asked Jin, backing up in terror as girls threw their panties at the stage. “I mean, do Americans really get this excited about politics?”
“Americans are silly,” Jin reassured them, beaming and waving happily as the screaming continued. “They wear their shoes in the house, here. How normal can they be?”
* * *
“Thank you, Julie. In other news, 'We can make it happen.' 'All or nothing.' No, it's not the sound of some new song, but the sound of another presidential candidate announcing his entry into the political arena. We go now to our political correspondent, Nancy. Nancy, just who is this new candidate?”
“Thank you, Leil. With less than a month to the election, it's certainly surprising to hear that there's a newcomer to the race. What's even more surprising, however, is just how much support this candidate has garnered in just the space of two weeks.”
“They call him Johnny, or Johnny-sama, in come circles. Though a native-born American, he's lived in Japan for most of his adult life, becoming a successful businessman, running an entertainment industry. And now Johnny is making his bid for the White House as well.”
“What's surprising, though, is that Johnny has not actually been seen himself. His entertainers enthusiastically do all his campaigning for him, even running the campaign and making important policy decisions. We take you now to Jin Akanishi and Kazuya Kamenashi, Johnny's chief speakers.”
Nancy: How are you, boys? Welcome.
Jin: We are good! Thank you!
Kame: Jin, what's her name again?
Jin: Nancy, Kame-chan. Pay attention.
Kame: All right! Sorry...
Nancy: So, boys, what's it like campaigning for a virtual unknown? How are you finding communication with American voters?
Jin: We- we are liking campaigning very much. It is very fun, to go around and tell people our message of happiness. People are not happy, they are wanting something happier, and Johnny-sama makes people happy.
Nancy: What is it like, being depended on to make crucial decisions about your platform? Have either of you had any foreign or domestic policy experience?
(Jin whispers frantically to Kame, who whispers back. Jin straightens)
Jin: Miss Nancy, it is very nice to be able to be trusted with such a responsibility like this Johnny has given to us. At Johnny's, we use democracy, just like your nation. What all of us know is better than what only one person know. Johnny uses many people to help him discover the best ideas, and from this he forms his platform. Also, we are from Japan, which is foreign, so we all have much, much foreign policy experience, you see.
Nancy: Haha, boys. Of course. But what about these allegations of Johnny being a child molester?
(Jin freezes, looking terrified)
Kame: What is it? Jin? What's wrong??
Jin: They want to know about Johnny and his messing with the Johnny's Juniors!!!
Kame: Oh hell no! How did they hear about that?? That's supposed to be a well-kept secret!! No one knows about that!!
Jin: (frantic) But she knows, Kame, she knows! What do I say??
Kame: Just deny it all. We've never heard anything about it, and it's ghastly for them to make up such horrible untruths.
(Jin nods, turning back to Nancy)
Jin: We are simply aghast to hear such allegations, Miss Nancy. I ask you, what kind of horrid man would do such a thing? Johnny would not. Johnny's message is one of kindness and happiness. Johnny would never do such a thing. Johnny-sama is not a pedophile, oh no. Both Kame are shocked - shocked! - to hear such a falseful claim. We are suspecting, Miss Nancy, that one of the opposing presidential peoples are putting it out there to mislead the wise voting public.
Nancy: I'm glad to hear it, boys. Thank you for talking with me.
Jin: Thank you.
Kame: Thank you.
“Johnny's campaign is being promoted by Campaign Concerts, produced by other groups of Johnny's Entertainment, as well as by the sale of buttons with Johnny's idols' faces on them, which go for approximately $50 a piece. Johnny's campaign has also launched a new series of TV shows they call “Johnny's dramas”, that I must admit, are must-see TV that run daily in the prime-time hour on major networks. These dramas, said to promote Johnny's message to American public, run from 7 until 10 nightly, with reruns on the weekends.”
“As of last polling, 48% of voters are leaning toward voting for Barack Obama, 39% of voters toward McCain, and a full 12% of voters intending to vote for Johnny, this virtual unknown. Despite his somewhat unconventional campaign tactics, clearly, this Johnny-sama is a candidate to keep an eye on for the next month.”
“Thank you, Nancy. Now: friend or foe? A local dog attacks a toddler, savagely ripping an arm off. Coming up next: what you should know about man's best friend.”
* * *
“Woooooo!!!”
There was much partying in the campaign headquarters that night, Koki and Nakamaru dancing around with a bottle of champagne, catcalling and yelling at the TV. Junno was laughing and giggling, doing backflips off the walls, and the lot of Johnny's Juniors were running around and screaming, half-drunk thrilled to be having so much fun.
“I don't see why everyone's so happy,” Kame pointed out, biting his lip hard, watching as a junior crashed into the media pod. “It was just an interview. We got on the air right before a story about a dog.”
“It's still a major step for the campaign, Kame,” Ueda pointed out, writing on his clipboard. “This news clip will be circulated around the Internet in a matter of minutes. People will be curious, and send it to their friends, wanting to know more about Johnny and who he is. More people will be open to hearing our message, and more people will vote for Johnny.”
“We did good in the interview, didn't we Kame?” Jin exclaimed, leaping over the back of the sofa to drop down beside Kame, draping an arm around his shoulders. “We did great!”
Kame glanced at Jin, flushing slightly and removing his arm.
“I wouldn't say 'great',” Kame told him. “It was adequate. We could have done much worse.”
Jin pouted. “I thought we did good,” he informed him.
“Speaking of which, what's all this about J-drama on American TV?” Kame asked. “The first I heard of it was when that Nancy woman mentioned it.”
Ueda smirked. “It's one of my better ideas,” he commented. “We've launched a set of new drama that's dedicated to promoting Johnny's message. Good entertainment, great ratings, and more votes in one fell swoop. Here, take this one.” Ueda leaned over, passing him a script.
“Operation Corporation - Codename: Love?” Kame read, disgusted. “Ueda, this doesn't even make sense.”
“Wait until you hear about it,” Ueda told him. “We've got Jun Matsumoto playing the part of a young corporate bigwig, following his father's footsteps in running the company. He falls for this local girl who goes to the public university, but he can't be with her because of America's current social structure and how the tax brackets are run.”
“Like a modern-day Romeo and Juliet,” Jin added.
“Exactly. The entire show is about building their tragic love, and then at the end, Johnny's elected president, and everyone has their happy ending. We've got tons of spin-offs of this theme.” Ueda rummaged through his pile, pulling out scripts. “Here's the one about the drug dealers who can't get into the overcrowded public schools and make something out of themselves. There's one about a White House aid in love with an ELF revolutionary, but unable to reconcile her duty to the president with her love of him and the environment until Johnny comes to power. We also have a classic one about a band trying to make it in the big time-”
“I don't want to hear it,” Kame said, shaking his head. “I can't believe it. These dramas are actually working?”
Jin grinned, and Ueda rolled his eyes.
“Jin was able to secure the help of several very popular American actors and actresses for the filming,” Ueda said succinctly. “Apparently, while in LA last year, Jin neglected his music lessons in favor of crashing Hollywood parties.”
“But it paid off!” Jin said, beaming. Ueda rolled his eyes.
“So. What's next?” Kame tried. “I mean, we've got a platform, and we're giving speeches. We're selling merchandise and everyone's CDs all over again. Except travel expenses, what are we really spending all our fund raising on?”
“That's the next step,” Ueda told him. “Koki and Nakamaru are working on a series of television ads. Junno's helping out as well. They should be done in a couple days for you to review.”
“This is all so exciting!” Jin said, bouncing. “Kame! We're helping Johnny to run for president! Isn't this fun?”
“A headache is more like it,” Kame groaned, but he couldn't help but return Jin's happy smile with a small one of his own on his lips.
* * *
Kame decided not to hold anymore rallies.
“Rallies are silly,” he declared. It's just people who are already going to vote for Johnny getting all excited all over again. What we really need to be doing is to be convincing other people to vote for Johnny. Those are the people we should be going after.”
Jin disagreed, enjoying the fun of yelling and offering fanservice to thousands of girls on a daily basis, but Kame has the final say in the matter, so that was that.
Instead, Kame and Jin began holding public speeches and discussion on policy issues and their message in an effort to help clear the confusion that had arisen. It'd started when Koyama said something about Johnny's position on tax equality, and Uchi had chimed in with how people could go out more often to get drunk with a lower alcohol tax, and Kame had decided that maybe they needed to be more firm on their positions on certain issues.
It was rather fun, Kame thought sometimes. It was great fun to be traveling a foreign country with Jin, whose perpetual happiness made everything into an adventure and something fun. It was also nice to engage in so much substantiative discussion, something he didn't often get while working for Johnny in Japan. And it was exciting, in a way, to watch the polls climb higher as more and more voters started leaning toward Johnny, to hear the cheers of everyone in the campaign after a long day of speech-making, and to know it was a job well done.
But rallies had none of that, and Kame was quite adamant about their removal.
He said as much to Jin one day, as Jin helped him straighten his tie for a rally.
“Ueda said this is the last rally,” Jin promised, eyes focused on Kame's neck. “When you announced the end of the rallies, the fangirls of New York and Pennsylvania nearly revolted, and they all started writing in 'Miyavi' on their poll slips to get our attention until Ueda conceded that we'd give them a rally.”
“Miyavi?” Kame said, incredulous. “Just how much do Americans know about Japanese pop culture?”
Jin offered him a smile, and Kame rolled his eyes.
“And we're on!”
The rally went well. The screaming fangirls were obnoxious, certainly, but there were more girls who were more quiet, thinking over the things Kame actually had to say, and a surprising number of men in the audience, actually considering Kame's policy points. Kame smiled, finishing his speech on a high note, before asking for any questions.
Jin translated a few about social issues for him, mainly pertaining to abortion and LGBT rights (Jin had gotten much better at translating after Koki had pummeled him) that Kame answered, generally winding the rally to a close.
“Anything else?” Kame asked, looking around. He pointed. “Yes. You.”
A girl jumped up, her face beat red. “So. So you're for gay rights, aren't you?” she squealed.
Jin translated, and Kame nodded in the affirmative.
“We believe that everyone has a right to happiness,” he said. “No matter who they love.”
Jin dutifully translated this back, which caused the fangirl to gasp.
“Then- then- then- will you two kiss for us?!?” she shrieked.
Immediately, the rest of the crowd screamed in a cloud of fangirlish glee, taking up the chant “Kiss him! Kiss him!”. Jin's face turned a bright red, and Kame looked worried.
“What are they saying?” he hissed to Jin. “Did we do anything wrong?”
Jin's face flamed. “No... they're asking us for something.”
“Well, then give it to them!” Kame said, irate. “We're trying to please these people, after all! What is it, an autograph?”
“If you say so.” Jin turned towards Kame, his cheeks flushing prettily. Kame gave him a strange look.
“Spit it out, Jin,” he told him. “What is it they want?”
“This,” Jin said, and then promptly sealed his lips over his.
* * *
“I can't believe I did that,” Kame moaned, hiding his face in his hands back at the campaign headquarters. “I can't believe we kissed in front of all those people.”
Ueda glanced over at him, shrugging. “I can. They were calling for it, and fanservice is what we do,” he told him. He smirked. “What I can't believe is just how long you went for it, Kame.”
Kame's face flamed. “Don't remind me,” he muttered, hiding his head.
It really hadn't been his fault, Kame contemplated. When Jin had kissed him, Kame had sort of frozen for a moment. Jin kissing him had been quite nice, he remembered, soft and innocent and teasing, before Kame had lost control and taken Jin's face in his hands to kiss him back more thoroughly. It had taken three minutes of continuous shrieks and screams and five security officers yelling that eight girls had fainted before Kame had regained his mind and finally pulled away, leaving Jin looking completely and thoroughly kissed in front of the cameras for the rest of the nation to see.
It'd been completely Jin's fault, Kame rationalized. He hadn't meant to kiss Jin for quite so logn. It was- Jin had done something to him that had made his mind temporarily say good-bye. It hadn't been his fault at all. Which was all fine and good, really. Jin had flushed prettily for a while, but then adjusted, teasing Kame about it and moving on good-naturedly with the campaign.
But Kame was finding he was having a heard time adjusting.
Jin was everywhere, Kame suddenly noticed. Jin smiling, Jin waving, Jin beaming at crowd after crowd. It was hard not to watch Jin's lips as he translated, caressing unknown words, and even harder not to get lost in his sparkling eyes for hours at a time as they traveled, his enthusiasm never wearing down.
Kame bit his lip, hard. It was just a phase. It only made sense that he'd be feeling a little different after sharing such a passionate kiss with someone. It would pass.
“Hiii, Kame!” Jin sang, leaping onto the couch beside him without warning. Kame shrieked, jumping about a foot, and Jin laughed.
“A bit edgey, are we, Kame-chan?” he teased, and Kame's face flamed.
“I am not!” he said hotly. “I was just deep in thought!”
“Sure,” Jin said, smiling, and Kame flushed, turning away. Ueda smirked.
“Now that you're here, Jin, there are political ads for you to go over,” Ueda told them. “Ready?”
Jin nodded happily, and Kame sighed, giving his own acquiesce.
“Good. Here's number one.”
It was Koki and Nakamaru trolling the streets of a run-down metropolis, talking to voters.
“I mean, life is miserable, man!” a thuggish-looking man said, folding his arms. “People with seven houses and a Harvard education just don't understand the real struggle, man! They've never fought to survive!”
“Word, bro,” Koki said, and then he, Nakamaru, and the thug spontaneously started rapping.
“When you down and low, you know you got the one place to go,” Koki rapped. “Johnny's in the can, he's the man with the plan, gonna make them elitists beat, bringing happiness back to the streets-”
“It goes on,” Ueda said, hurriedly fasting forward. “We have a few along those lines. These are the ones with Junno.”
“Hey! Have you heard?” Junno called out to Nakamaru. Nakamaru shrugged, looking confused.
“Heard of what?”
“Heard of Johnny!” Junno exclaimed.
“What's a Johnny?”
“No, no, he's a person! Johnny's going to make us happy, have you heard?”
“What do I care if a herd is heard, I have nothing against cows!”
Kame stared at the screen blankly as Junno and Nakamaru burst into laughter, followed by a banner proclaiming VOTE JOHNNY.
“...I didn't understand that at all,” Kame told Ueda. Ueda bit his lip.
“Ah, yes. Well. Um. Junno wrote that one,” he admitted. “He wanted to try his hand at English puns.”
“That was crap,” Jin said bluntly. “Ne, Kame, make them write better ones,” he said, cuddling up to Kame's arm.
Kame flushed brilliantly, yanking his arm roughly from Jin, who pouted and looked hurt.
“Write better ads,” Kame told him. “We can't have this sort of thing going on TV! We need this to look official.”
Ueda frowned. “We need something to keep the media busy, though,” he said, consulting his clipboard. “There's not been anything new for them to analyze for a while, and we need to keep Johnny's name in the air.”
“We could do a debate!” Jin suggested suddenly, his face brightening. “Oh, Kame, we could argue with the Obama man and the one who can't raise his arms! We could do it on TV, too! That's what presidential people do, isn't it! Let's do that!”
“A debate?” Kame said, incredulous. “Jin, I don't know enough English to have a debate-”
“That's a great idea, Jin!” Ueda proclaimed, looking revitalized. “I'll set it up. Massu and Uchi found things on the other candidates that they don't want leaked out, so we can even blackmail them if necessary. It'll be the day after tomorrow. Kame, make sure you learn English before then, okay? I have to set this up-”
Ueda left the room, muttering frantically to himself, pulling out his cell phone and making several calls. Kame stared after him blankly, before turning to Jin.
Jin offered him a sheepish smile.
“Rosetta Stone will help?”
Kame just groaned.
* * *
Miraculously, Kame managed to learn English before the debate. He only knew about 6,000 words, half of which he'd learned in his sleep, but Ueda had reassured him that most of the rest of English were just other words that meant the same as the one's he'd learned.
The debate had been decided to be conducted in Q&A format, with the vice presidential nominees debating alongside their presidential candidates. This allowed Johnny's team to have two people up on stage at one time, which would double the amount of fangirls who watched.
Ryo had been chosen to appear with him on the debate in place of Jin. Jin, they'd deemed, was too much of a nice guy, and well that was all good and proper, they needed smart, hard-asses to appear on the debate, hard-asses who wouldn't be afraid to really bite the bullet and tackle the issues.
And Ryo certainly hadn't hesitated in that, arguing fiercely with Obama and McCain, calling them out on their mistakes, waving documents of their voting records, and inferring dirty things about their wives whenever possible.
Kame, for his part, had spent most of the debate standing very still, hoping the secret service didn't try and shoot them both.
“You claim you want to lower taxes for the middle-class American, but you've proposed all these new programs!” Ryo raged, waving a handful of papers at Obama. “How do you expect to pay for these programs? Even a kindergartener could do better math than you! High budget does not equal low taxes, you moron!”
“That's what I've been saying all along,” McCain said smugly. Ryo jerked sharply, before rounding on him.
“And you-! You're the most disgusting, pathetic slob of a presidential candidate I've ever seen!” Ryo snapped, fire burning in his eyes. “You say you're for the 'real America' and 'moral values', but all you do is grovel to the Republican party, disown your long-standing values for the nomination, cheat on your first wife, and cater to the corporations that are paying your campaign fees! No one wants a Joe-sixpack running the country! Joe sixpack would probably look at Russia and wonder if it'd be fun to have a Missile shoot-out, and then BANG! We're all dead!”
Kame flinched. At least the debate would get high ratings, if nothing else.
“Joe six-pack,” Sarah Palin murmured, winking. Ryo scowled.
“Hey, now that's just not fair,” McCain objected. “You say I'm against moral values, but you're supporting gay marriage?”
“That's right,” Ryo affirmed, sniffing. “What of it?”
“That is about the most immoral thing I've ever heard of,” McCain said nastily. “Marriage is between a man and a woman. It's in the Bible. Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed because of their dirty ways-”
“Excuse me?” Kame said sharply. Ryo turned, surprised, only to see Kame's eyes narrowing to slits.
McCain looked startled. “I- Sodom and Gomorrah were-”
“Have you never heard of the separation between church and state?” Kame demanded, eyes flashing. “Has it not occurred to you that even without that, the Vatican has acknowledged large parts of the Old Testament as fiction, and that Christianity now believes in a merciful and loving God? Have you never heard of the American concepts of “freedom” and “equality” and “pursuit of happiness”?”
“You- You're twisting my words,” McCain sputtered, defensive. “I never said-”
“You disgust me,” Kame said venomously, advancing toward McCain. “You spend your life being a liberal Republican, being for abortion and for gay rights, only to flip and adopt pathetic, closed-minded views of a cowardly public to try and sneak into the white house to keep America on its path to destruction, and then claim that you're in the right? That you have morals? That you're a respectable person that people actually want running things?!”
Kame was right at his podium now, yelling, his eyes glowing fiercely. Swallowing hard, McCain looked up into his eyes and glared.
“Yes, I am,” McCain said nastily, his eyes glinting. “And they're much better morals then the one's you're promoting-” He lowered his voice to a whisper, so only Kame could hear.
“-faggot.”
Kame saw red, and the next thing he knew he was being had hauled off McCain, Sarah Palin screaming, blood covering his fist and McCain's jaw hanging off his face at an odd angle, the entire audience in an uproar. Dizzily, Kame looked back and saw McCain yelling at him, swearing vehemently as best he could, hand holding his jaw in place as secret service crowded around him, and Kame yelled back at him, still threatening him as Ryo forcibly dragged him away.
* * *
“Ueda-sama!”
“Sama?” Kame asked. Ueda ignored him.
“What?” Ueda demanded. “I'm busy, Shuichi.”
The young boy bit his lip.
“One of the juniors did the paperwork to register to get on the national ballot,” he said quickly. “Apparently, he misunderstood the format. It was set up for the presidential candidates last name, followed by the first. Obama-Biden. McCain-Palin.”
“I see,” Ueda frowned. “Go on.”
“Well, he put down 'Johnny-sama' on the form. So Johnny has no vice-president, now. Or his last name at all.”
Ueda groaned, rubbing his head.
“Fine,” he said. “This is what we're going to do. We're going to pretend like we did it on purpose, because everyone knows him as 'Johnny-sama'. And you're going to warn your friend that if he makes another mistake like this, he's going to be sacrificed to the gods for good luck on the campaign. Got it?”
The little boy squeaked and nodded violently, running off. Ueda scoffed.
“Amateurs,” he said. He turned to Kame.
“So,” he said conversationally. “That was quite a performance you pulled last night. I especially enjoyed the screaming arrest.”
“Go ahead,” Kame groaned. “Tell me how bad it is.”
Ueda shifted uncomfortably, adjusting his clipboard.
“It's not as bad as you'd think,” he said. “Of course, McCain is pressing charges for assault and battery, as well as slander and defamation. But overall, the debate was an immense success. It got the highest ratings CNN has ever gotten, and approximately 70% of the nation was watching.”
Kame groaned. “70% of America saw me slug John McCain.”
“I'd say most likely all of America, as all major networks have been replaying the clip over and over again since last night,” Ueda commented. “Didn't you know?”
Kame scowled. “They didn't have subtitles on the TV in my cell.”
Ueda nodded. “American jails are like that. You're lucky I got there quickly with the money for your bail.”
Kame scowled, and Ueda coughed and moved on.
“Our polling with the liberals is way down,” Ueda said, checking his charts. “Apparently, most Democrats don't want a president whose lackey's haul off and slug people in the face-”
“Tell me something I don't know,” Kame muttered.
“-But our polling with the Republicans is way up,” Ueda continued. “Most Republicans thought that John McCain should have been able to take a punch without screaming like a sissy, and that he's being a pussy for bringing charges down on your instead of duking it out like a man. The Libertarians and youth crowd largely think that John McCain was asking for it, and the Green Party is pleased that you and Ryo both wore eco-friendly suits on the debate, so they're leaning toward Johnny too. Overall, our polls are at about 35%, with Obama's at 45%, and McCain's at 20%.”
Kame gaped.
“...you're not serious.”
Ueda nodded. “That's not even the best part. Because of your passion on gay rights, social equality's become a major component of our platform. The LGBT political society officially announced their endorsement for Johnny this morning, and they've donated a full half of their funds to our campaign. It's a huge amount. Apparently, there are more gay rich people than you'd think.”
“That's... great. Wow.”
Ueda raised an eyebrow. “You don't seem very excited,” he noted.
Kame sighed.
“I am. It's just... I made a fool of myself on national TV in a foreign country. What kind of image does that promote for Japan?”
Ueda smirked. “The only 'facts' most Americans know about Japan are that they bombed us, our government supposedly allots 1 billion US dollars a year into the research and development of new sexual fetishes, and that we sell used schoolgirl's underpants in our vending machines. Quite honestly, any opinion you can spread has to be better than what we've got.”
Kame blinked.
“...they think our government researches sexual fetishes??”
Ueda smiled dryly. “You'd be surprised.”
“Kame-chaan!!”
Kame turned quickly to see Jin running at him, beaming. “Kame-chan!” he called happily. “Did you hear? John McCain is dropping the charges against you!”
“Wait, really?” Kame said, stunned. “Why?”
“Ryo and I convinced him that he looks like a huge wuss trying to persecute you for it,” Jin said, grinning. “You're good to go, Kame! You can leave the country again!”
Kame flushed at Jin's happy smile, looking away.
“...thanks, Jin.”
Ueda raised an eyebrow, a slow smirk spreading across his face as he watched Kame.
“So, Kame,” Ueda said, his tone innocently conversational. “What prompted the heated defense of homosexuality last night?”
Kame's face flamed, and he shot a dark look at Ueda. Jin perked up.
“I heard about that!” Jin said. “You punched McCain over that, ne?”
“He punched McCain because he called him a faggot,” Ueda said. Jin frowned.
“What's that mean?”
“It means-”
“Nothing, Jin. It's not a nice word, and it's not important.” Kame glared at Ueda.
“How'd you find that out?” he hissed.
Ueda smirked. “Your mike picked it up. The entire audience heard.”
Kame groaned, rolling over on the sofa and hiding his head.
“...Kame?”
Kame felt Jin move to sit by him on the couch, touching his back lightly. “Kame? Kame-chan, I'm sure it's not that bad. No one thinks any less of you, you know.”
“Jinnnnn,” Kame moaned. “Go away. Please.”
“No,” Jin said, stubborn. “You're overreacting to this entire thing, Kame. I don't see why you're being so weird about all this.”
Kame mumbled into his pillow, and Jin poked him savagely in the side. With a yell, Kame sat up.
“Jeez, Jin,” Kame said, rubbing his side and glaring at Jin as Ueda sneaked from the room. “Get more violent, why don't you?”
“Shut up,” Jin said, annoyed. “Kaaaame, just tell me why you've been acting so weird around me,” he whined.
“I haven't been acting weird,” Kame lied.
“Liar,” Jin declared.
“Am not,” Kame scowled.
“Liar!!”
Jin pounced on Kame with a yell, pinning him down to the couch, glaring into his eyes. Kame swallowed heavily.
“You will tell me why you've been acting so weird now,” Jin announced. “You will tell me, or I won't let you up.”
Kame bit his lip, looking directly into Jin's eyes.
“Why are you so insistent about this?” Kame asked. “Anyone else would just accept that I'm acting a bit weird and move on.”
Jin flushed slightly. “I'm not being insistent about this,” he said quickly.
Kame's eyes narrowed, suspicious.
“Now who's the liar?” Kame asked. “Why do you care so much about why I'm treating you differently, Jin?”
Jin's face colored. Kame raised an eyebrow, and he smiled.
“Have you been hoping that my impassioned defense of gay rights had something to do with you, Jin?” Kame asked, watching.
“No!!” Jin denied fiercely, his face flaming.
Kame smirked.
“Really,” Kame commented, freeing one of his hands to tousle in Jin's hair. Jin flushed.
“Well- maybe a just little-” he admitted.
Kame smiled.
“Good,” Kame said, and pulled Jin down into a kiss.
* * *
The rest of the month passed by in a blur.
Kame and Jin still went all over the country, but Kame couldn't remember exactly where they'd been or what they'd said. Instead, he remembered cuddling with Jin on the buses across the country, or Jin tugging his hand and pulling him to see the Washington Monument, or taking Jin to see a fireworks display at a county fair. The campaign swept by in a whirlwind of stress and work, but Kame had Jin and his perpetual enthusiasm by his side. It was impossible to be around Jin so often and not have some of his optimism rub off on you.
“Look at this,” Jin said, glowing, handing Kame a poll. “Seventy percent of America thinks that Johnny-sama would make a good president, and 50% of them think he's better than Obama.”
“That's incredible,” Kame said, but he was looking at Jin. Jin flushed and batted him away.
“Ne, pay attention, Kame!” he whined. “Look! With the polls this close, we might just win this thing!”
Kame laughed. “I thought that was the point all along?” Kame said, amused.
“Well,” Jin said, considering. “Kind of. It was more for fun and to get to hang out with you, really. That's why I insisted on you being my partner for all the events. And I wanted you to come to America with me this time, 'cause you didn't before. And I didn't really care about doing all that campaign stuff, only getting away from recording cartoon KAT-TUN for a few weeks-”
Kame snorted. “You, Jin,” he pronounced, “are the most selfish being I have ever encountered.”
Jin smirked, taking a sweeping bow.
“When Johnny's in the White house, with me as his Vice President, I'll let you come and visit me overnight in the Lincoln bedroom,” Jin slyly offered. Kame froze.
“Oh really?” Kame said, his eyes darkening. He smirked. “Why not have a practice visit now?”
Jin blinked, looking confused.
“Kame, that doesn't make any sense. For one thing, we're not in the White house, we're just in the back room of the bus. Second, you live here too, so you can't actually visit it. And how would you practice-”
Kame pounced and Jin shrieked, and the drivers of the bus very carefully made sure not to hear anything else from the back during the next half hour, making sure the radio was kept on loud the entire way.
* * *
“We lost??”
“Of course we lost,” Ueda sniffed, packing up. “Johnny didn't expect us to win. He just expected us to make a lot of money, promote JE, and do all the work for all his benefit. What else is new?”
Kame looked outraged.
“We did all this campaigning for nothing?” he sputtered. “Nothing?”
Ueda shrugged. “Sometimes, that's just the way it goes.”
Kame looked about ready to punch someone again, when Jin intervened.
“I'm still here, Kame,” he said, pulling on his arm. “And I'll still be here when we come back to Japan. You wouldn't have me if we hadn't done all this, would you?”
Kame considered.
“All right, all right,” he conceded. “So I've found my own true happiness, I've learned a lot about morals and whatnot, and I've become a better person through the journey. But if Johnny didn't win, who did?”
Ueda smirked. “You'll just have to look it up and see.”