And back to the doctors I go!
Tomorrow I'm going back to the doctor. It's my follow up after my total meltdown two weeks ago. This should not be much of an issue, but for the fact that I had another one yesterday at the thought of going back to work. Not just a small moment/hour or reluctance about it, but a proper crying, shaking and terrified moment where the enormity of what is going to be waiting for me there finally sunk in properly. While these two weeks off work have been a time for me to think and relax and distance myself from it all, that's not all there is to it and certainly I can't completely cut myself off from the people I work with. One of them lives in the same village as me, another is moving in with me. Several of them are very good friends and I'm not a hermit. They want to know how I am, if they see me in the street we stop and talk. It's impossible for me not to know the things that are happening in that building.
And I've missed a lot of drama. Apparently my breakdown sparked a couple of others. People have screamed at the boss, walked out and handed in their notice. My friends have told me that they miss me and that they want me to make sure that I'm better and feel happy enough to come back to work. At the same time they're telling me that they're desperate to see me back there because everything is falling apart around their ears and they need me to do what I always have done. Be there to give advice, answer phones, identify frames by sight or name alone and be the oracle once more. It's a lot of pressure to put on someone who apparently just folded under that pressure and I'm not sure that I can do it.
I feel like I should, even with the meltdown the other day, because I know that they need me and I feel guilty sitting at home with my feet up and struggling to write something when they're really under pressure. But at the same time I know that if I throw myself in there without being ready I'll just fall over again. I'm terrified the doctor will tell me that it's time to go back to work, I'm scared she'll sign me off for another week. I don't know which option is better or if neither is really something that I need to consider.
I'm calmer now, weepy as hell, but calm. I can go for days without actually crying, I wrote properly today for the first time in two weeks but it was a serious struggle. But then I have to consider the fact that a lot of this is the fall out from me pretending to be alright when in reality I'm not. I've gotten very good at that over the years. No one at work even knew I was on the verge of breaking down until I actually did. I'd known for a while before that it was coming. I'd asked for time off that they couldn't let me have because they're short until May. I didn't push it at the time but three weeks later I had a full on meltdown and suddenly it all made sense to them.
Even writing this I feel sick at the thought of going back, I really don't think that I'm ready but I won't know for sure until I try. The first day back will be a half day anyway, I've got a therapy session in the morning so I'm not going straight in. It's almost hard to admit that I'm going to see a therapist for help.
As for my boss.... He still doesn't get it. I had a phone call from the manager to find out how I'm doing, I dropped the sick note into work and she swept me into a hug and told me never to scare her the way that I had again. The boss gave me the sort of look that said that they can't have the mentally unstable in the work place. Everyone is different, but this is the man who told me "shit happens, suck it up and deal with it" while I was sobbing for no reason that I could pinpoint. If there is any reason not to want to go back there, that man would be one of them.
Still, take each day as it comes and see what my doctor says tomorrow. It's the only way to move forwards.
And I've missed a lot of drama. Apparently my breakdown sparked a couple of others. People have screamed at the boss, walked out and handed in their notice. My friends have told me that they miss me and that they want me to make sure that I'm better and feel happy enough to come back to work. At the same time they're telling me that they're desperate to see me back there because everything is falling apart around their ears and they need me to do what I always have done. Be there to give advice, answer phones, identify frames by sight or name alone and be the oracle once more. It's a lot of pressure to put on someone who apparently just folded under that pressure and I'm not sure that I can do it.
I feel like I should, even with the meltdown the other day, because I know that they need me and I feel guilty sitting at home with my feet up and struggling to write something when they're really under pressure. But at the same time I know that if I throw myself in there without being ready I'll just fall over again. I'm terrified the doctor will tell me that it's time to go back to work, I'm scared she'll sign me off for another week. I don't know which option is better or if neither is really something that I need to consider.
I'm calmer now, weepy as hell, but calm. I can go for days without actually crying, I wrote properly today for the first time in two weeks but it was a serious struggle. But then I have to consider the fact that a lot of this is the fall out from me pretending to be alright when in reality I'm not. I've gotten very good at that over the years. No one at work even knew I was on the verge of breaking down until I actually did. I'd known for a while before that it was coming. I'd asked for time off that they couldn't let me have because they're short until May. I didn't push it at the time but three weeks later I had a full on meltdown and suddenly it all made sense to them.
Even writing this I feel sick at the thought of going back, I really don't think that I'm ready but I won't know for sure until I try. The first day back will be a half day anyway, I've got a therapy session in the morning so I'm not going straight in. It's almost hard to admit that I'm going to see a therapist for help.
As for my boss.... He still doesn't get it. I had a phone call from the manager to find out how I'm doing, I dropped the sick note into work and she swept me into a hug and told me never to scare her the way that I had again. The boss gave me the sort of look that said that they can't have the mentally unstable in the work place. Everyone is different, but this is the man who told me "shit happens, suck it up and deal with it" while I was sobbing for no reason that I could pinpoint. If there is any reason not to want to go back there, that man would be one of them.
Still, take each day as it comes and see what my doctor says tomorrow. It's the only way to move forwards.