Quoteboard update
*mom re-enters the house Sunday morning*
Mom: Just me!
Ashley: What happened?
Mom: I grabbed the wrong bag. Can’t teach Sunday School with my swim bag!
Sam: I’ve never ridden a horse before.
Caleb: Don’t pop any wheelies.
Ashley: It’s not the sort of story you usually see on a flannelgraph.
Mom: You’re really dating yourself.
Ashley: Well, SOMEBODY’S got to!
Mom, updating her diary: What did we do on Thursday?
Ashley: I washed dishes. I was depressed. ...That's all *I* did!
Mom: You went swimming with me!
Ashley: Yes. And then I was depressed and washed dishes.
Mom: So I'm reading this book, set in World War I. It's a lot like that soap opera on PBS... what's its name?
Ashley: A *soap opera* on *PBS*??
Mom: Yeah! You know, it's really popular... What's it called?
Ashley: ...Is it Dow--
Mom: Downton Abbey!
Ashley: *dying of laughter* SOAP OPERA!!?!
Mom: Well, it basically IS!
Ashley: *can't stop laughing*
*murder mystery dinner*
Jess: *sings* Everybody murders somebody sometime…
Melissa: We’re here to have some good, clean fun!
Ashley: Yeah! An evening of gossiping and murder!
Grace: I made a really cute Sim girl to be my neighbor, and then they deleted her hair and her shirt, so she’s running around bald and naked!
Ashley: Have you read that thing on Amazon about the sugar-free gummi bears that give people explosive diarrhea?
Quinton: There’s another kind that makes you horribly constipated.
Grace: The two horsemen of the apocalypse.
Mom: Think of the fun you could have with a medium!
Ashley: You’d have to come up with a crazy story beforehand about your family member’s death... Like they died in a hot-air balloon accident.
Mom: And then be like, “Can you explain what happened with the hot air balloon?”
Ashley: And they’d be like, “Oh, the canvas tore.” And you’d be like, “...And the explosion?”
Mom: “We’ve always wondered.”
Ashley: “Could you explain the bit with the poodle?”
Ashley, at a family carry-in: If I explode, bury me nicely.
*the microwave is running*
Ashley, imitating the food in the microwave: Pop!
Mom: It’s not even a weasel.
Ashley: I’d be pretty upset if you were microwaving a weasel, Mom.
Mom: Not half so upset as the weasel.
Emily: If God told you he’d give you every place you set your foot, what would you do?
Myles: I’D STEP ON EVERYTHING.
Emily: Can you be rich if you don’t have money?
Bryson: Rich in turtles!
Emily, telling the story of Jericho: They came to find the spies because they heard they were there. ...So they weren’t very good spies.
Emily: So Rahab hid them up on the roof! Under the... under the...
Ashley: Stuff. Under the stuff.
Emily: Yeah, what’s it called...
Cole: Fishsticks!
Emily: She hid them under the fishsticks.
Emily: Did you know Miss Ashley’s a doctor? Do you know how many years she went to school after high school to be a doctor?
Ashley: (*thinks* Does Emily even know how many years it was?)
Emily: Like, eight hundred years!
Ashley: ...Yes. Exactly.
Mom: I once saw a guy walk into a sign while texting. He apologized to it.
Natasha: Bruno Mars is 34.
Grace: Wow, he looks REALLY GOOD for 34.
Ashley: ...
Ashley: So for this skit, you go to church... and then we crucify your sister. Think you can handle that?
Ally: Yep!
Natasha: I love how [the cast on Criminal Minds] call Garcia, and they're like, "Okay, this man is white, he's probably been four years old before, and he has brown hair.” And she's like, “Bingo!”
Emily, watching Criminal Minds: Once again, people need to stop saying “Hello?” If there really is a murderer in your house, they’re not gonna be like, “How are you, bro?”
Natasha: The day my mom got Netflix was the downfall of my social and academic life.
Michelle: What do you think a disciple looks like?
Grace: *does makeup tutorial poses*
Natasha: I’m not about people below the Mason Dixon line.
Grace: Have you seen them?
Tori: Have you played sports against them?
Grace: "Have you played sports?" No.
Dr. Mills on John the Baptist: He had called out the king, and the government, and some of the rich people, the Kardashians of the kingdom...
Bea: The Kardashianites.
Ashley on the feeding of the five thousand: “It was late and the crowd was becoming hangry.”
Pastor Mills: And God says, “Get a life!”
Brian, on computer programming: My philosophy was always, Keep it simple. Make it easy, so if you get hit by a truck, someone else can pick it up. THIS is so complicated, you’d probably step out and get yourself hit by a truck so you don’t have to deal with it!
Terri, in wistful voice, watching her teenage son: I’m gonna miss that dork when he’s gone.
Grace: *sings* I am like a water balloon, jiggly and bloated…
Grace, dumping water over someone’s head: “I baptize you in the name of the Son... and the Father...... and whoever you want!
Dale: When things repeat like that in Bible-or in our lives!-we should pay attention because something’s probably happening there.
Bea: Glitch in the Matrix.
Congregation: *sings* While I was singing, somebody touched me...
Cortney and Ashley: *creepily reach over and touch each other*
Ashley: Jess was REALLY into Asian men. She thought they were gorgeous. Turns out she HATES chest hair. Body hair is to her anathema.
Jen: So she chose a good demographic. It was either them or preteens, and we know THEY’RE problematic.
Jen: *sings* Packages, packages, barely even human!
*Ashley is playing with a stuffed animal with no arms*
Ashley, in high-pitched voice: I don’t have arms. It is a significant problem in my life.
Jen, in high-pitched voice: I have never brushed my teeth.
Mom: What? You don’t want to occupy the same space as me?
Ashley: I don’t think it’s physically possible.
Mom: It is if you live with cats.
Pastor: We’re going to read in unison.
Ashley: But my mom isn’t here! Eunice OUT!
Natasha: I don’t like kids.
Brian: But you were once a kid.
Natasha: Yeah, ONCE.
Grace: SO WAS HITLER.
Dale: And what’s the relationship between humans and animals?
Ashley: God put humans in charge of them.
Dale: So we just do whatever we want with them?
Emily: No, we have to protect them, protect the environment.
Noah: That’s turned out real well.
Ashley, pointing to an icing design: Is that a butterfly or a flower?
Dad: I have no idea. But it’s chocolate cake and I’m gonna eat it.
Mom, on the cake flavors: I’m not a big maple fan.
Ashley: Don’t like Canadians?
Mom: I never said that!
Ashley: At least it apologizes if you don’t like that taste.
Jess on job offers with low salaries: THEY might be a nonprofit, but I’M not.
Mom: Just me!
Ashley: What happened?
Mom: I grabbed the wrong bag. Can’t teach Sunday School with my swim bag!
Sam: I’ve never ridden a horse before.
Caleb: Don’t pop any wheelies.
Ashley: It’s not the sort of story you usually see on a flannelgraph.
Mom: You’re really dating yourself.
Ashley: Well, SOMEBODY’S got to!
Mom, updating her diary: What did we do on Thursday?
Ashley: I washed dishes. I was depressed. ...That's all *I* did!
Mom: You went swimming with me!
Ashley: Yes. And then I was depressed and washed dishes.
Mom: So I'm reading this book, set in World War I. It's a lot like that soap opera on PBS... what's its name?
Ashley: A *soap opera* on *PBS*??
Mom: Yeah! You know, it's really popular... What's it called?
Ashley: ...Is it Dow--
Mom: Downton Abbey!
Ashley: *dying of laughter* SOAP OPERA!!?!
Mom: Well, it basically IS!
Ashley: *can't stop laughing*
*murder mystery dinner*
Jess: *sings* Everybody murders somebody sometime…
Melissa: We’re here to have some good, clean fun!
Ashley: Yeah! An evening of gossiping and murder!
Grace: I made a really cute Sim girl to be my neighbor, and then they deleted her hair and her shirt, so she’s running around bald and naked!
Ashley: Have you read that thing on Amazon about the sugar-free gummi bears that give people explosive diarrhea?
Quinton: There’s another kind that makes you horribly constipated.
Grace: The two horsemen of the apocalypse.
Mom: Think of the fun you could have with a medium!
Ashley: You’d have to come up with a crazy story beforehand about your family member’s death... Like they died in a hot-air balloon accident.
Mom: And then be like, “Can you explain what happened with the hot air balloon?”
Ashley: And they’d be like, “Oh, the canvas tore.” And you’d be like, “...And the explosion?”
Mom: “We’ve always wondered.”
Ashley: “Could you explain the bit with the poodle?”
Ashley, at a family carry-in: If I explode, bury me nicely.
*the microwave is running*
Ashley, imitating the food in the microwave: Pop!
Mom: It’s not even a weasel.
Ashley: I’d be pretty upset if you were microwaving a weasel, Mom.
Mom: Not half so upset as the weasel.
Emily: If God told you he’d give you every place you set your foot, what would you do?
Myles: I’D STEP ON EVERYTHING.
Emily: Can you be rich if you don’t have money?
Bryson: Rich in turtles!
Emily, telling the story of Jericho: They came to find the spies because they heard they were there. ...So they weren’t very good spies.
Emily: So Rahab hid them up on the roof! Under the... under the...
Ashley: Stuff. Under the stuff.
Emily: Yeah, what’s it called...
Cole: Fishsticks!
Emily: She hid them under the fishsticks.
Emily: Did you know Miss Ashley’s a doctor? Do you know how many years she went to school after high school to be a doctor?
Ashley: (*thinks* Does Emily even know how many years it was?)
Emily: Like, eight hundred years!
Ashley: ...Yes. Exactly.
Mom: I once saw a guy walk into a sign while texting. He apologized to it.
Natasha: Bruno Mars is 34.
Grace: Wow, he looks REALLY GOOD for 34.
Ashley: ...
Ashley: So for this skit, you go to church... and then we crucify your sister. Think you can handle that?
Ally: Yep!
Natasha: I love how [the cast on Criminal Minds] call Garcia, and they're like, "Okay, this man is white, he's probably been four years old before, and he has brown hair.” And she's like, “Bingo!”
Emily, watching Criminal Minds: Once again, people need to stop saying “Hello?” If there really is a murderer in your house, they’re not gonna be like, “How are you, bro?”
Natasha: The day my mom got Netflix was the downfall of my social and academic life.
Michelle: What do you think a disciple looks like?
Grace: *does makeup tutorial poses*
Natasha: I’m not about people below the Mason Dixon line.
Grace: Have you seen them?
Tori: Have you played sports against them?
Grace: "Have you played sports?" No.
Dr. Mills on John the Baptist: He had called out the king, and the government, and some of the rich people, the Kardashians of the kingdom...
Bea: The Kardashianites.
Ashley on the feeding of the five thousand: “It was late and the crowd was becoming hangry.”
Pastor Mills: And God says, “Get a life!”
Brian, on computer programming: My philosophy was always, Keep it simple. Make it easy, so if you get hit by a truck, someone else can pick it up. THIS is so complicated, you’d probably step out and get yourself hit by a truck so you don’t have to deal with it!
Terri, in wistful voice, watching her teenage son: I’m gonna miss that dork when he’s gone.
Grace: *sings* I am like a water balloon, jiggly and bloated…
Grace, dumping water over someone’s head: “I baptize you in the name of the Son... and the Father...... and whoever you want!
Dale: When things repeat like that in Bible-or in our lives!-we should pay attention because something’s probably happening there.
Bea: Glitch in the Matrix.
Congregation: *sings* While I was singing, somebody touched me...
Cortney and Ashley: *creepily reach over and touch each other*
Ashley: Jess was REALLY into Asian men. She thought they were gorgeous. Turns out she HATES chest hair. Body hair is to her anathema.
Jen: So she chose a good demographic. It was either them or preteens, and we know THEY’RE problematic.
Jen: *sings* Packages, packages, barely even human!
*Ashley is playing with a stuffed animal with no arms*
Ashley, in high-pitched voice: I don’t have arms. It is a significant problem in my life.
Jen, in high-pitched voice: I have never brushed my teeth.
Mom: What? You don’t want to occupy the same space as me?
Ashley: I don’t think it’s physically possible.
Mom: It is if you live with cats.
Pastor: We’re going to read in unison.
Ashley: But my mom isn’t here! Eunice OUT!
Natasha: I don’t like kids.
Brian: But you were once a kid.
Natasha: Yeah, ONCE.
Grace: SO WAS HITLER.
Dale: And what’s the relationship between humans and animals?
Ashley: God put humans in charge of them.
Dale: So we just do whatever we want with them?
Emily: No, we have to protect them, protect the environment.
Noah: That’s turned out real well.
Ashley, pointing to an icing design: Is that a butterfly or a flower?
Dad: I have no idea. But it’s chocolate cake and I’m gonna eat it.
Mom, on the cake flavors: I’m not a big maple fan.
Ashley: Don’t like Canadians?
Mom: I never said that!
Ashley: At least it apologizes if you don’t like that taste.
Jess on job offers with low salaries: THEY might be a nonprofit, but I’M not.