(no subject)
Ashley: You should name your cane.
Mom: I know what I’ll name it! “Abel”! [able]
Ashley: *groans* That’s TERRIBLE. I LOVE it.
Later:
Ashley: Mom named her cane. She named it “Abel”.
Mom: Although, the cane came with a name. Look: *points to name brand on cane* “Hugo.” Hugo, girl!
Chris: I’m surprised you didn’t name it “Citizen”.
Ashley: It’s really ironic that she named her CANE “ABEL”.
Dad: The best part is that when she knocks it over, she steps on the bottom and gets it to sit up again. She’s gotten really good at raising cane.
Jesse: I dreamed about your brother the other night. He murdered you and mailed me your hand. Then he was coming to kill me too and showed up at my house. But I got the upper hand and was strangling him with a string, but then he turned into Anne Hathaway, and I couldn’t kill him.
*Ashley tells a story about someone getting a letter from Derrida*
Chris: Isn’t he dead?
Ashley: Well, he certainly wasn’t when he wrote the letter!
Arlene: Maybe he did die and someone GHOST WROTE IT.
Chris: It wasn’t the same person, but it was written in the same SPIRIT.
Ashley: *groans*
Mom: Let’s talk about something less GRAVE.
Ashley: *groaning intensifies*
*Mom talks about how one of the screws in her ankle sticks out a little*
Wes: Can you tell if it’s Phillips or straight?
Chris: Well, either your arm’s broken or you’ve grown a second elbow.
Chris: Brady and I have toured-and by toured I mean we got past the fence and wandered around-
Ashley: *facepalms*
Chris: -an old nuclear reactor site.
Mom: Don’t run over the Amish boy.
Chris: I’m sure they have spares.
Chris, on the Great Vowel Shift: English lost control of their vowels all at once. Things really went to shit.
Ashley, on the town names in Ohio: “Guernsey”!
Chris: Yep, Guernsey County.
Ashley: Well, I guess we know where the settlers’ ancestors are from!
Chris: How does that explain “Neptune,” then?
Lee: Do you have a hose?
Mary Martha: Yes, do you need it?
Lee: Depends. Do you want hornet spray all over your house?
Mary Martha: Do I HAVE hornet spray all over my house?
Lee: Yep. You don’t have HORNETS anymore, but…
Jesse: *randomly, while watching Rizzoli and Isles* Nooo more Susie. Susie’s deeeaaad. Suuuusie’s deaaaaad…
Mom: Ashley called me. Her blind date believed that great inventors were inspired by aliens and that Donald Trump is a great candidate.
Dad: I don’t know which of those beliefs is more terrifying.
Mom: I guess you have to kiss a lot of frogs.
Dad: Well, this one sounds like a toad.
Andrea: Can I use your bathroom?
Ashley: Sure. What’s wrong with yours?
Andrea: I don’t know. There wasn’t any water in the toilet, so I flushed it, and now there’s water in it, but it’s just kind of looking at me funny.
Andrea: I have lost my ability to counteract this level of bullshit! I’ve been out of the South for too long!
Jessica: I got a rocking chair, and my quality of life improved dramatically.
Jessica: Everything I say is cuter when there’s a ribbon in my hair. I should wear a ribbon in my hair one day a week until I get a date.
Ashley: I had a dilation and curettage.
Jessica: I don’t know what that is.
Ashley: She basically stuck something in my uterus and scraped it out.
Jessica: *SCREAMS*
Jen:
I think this is the worst haircut i have ever had
like it would have been better if i'd just done it myself. with a spoon.
Andrea, on people’s dumb comments on an article about how female babies are being increasingly aborted b/c people want sons: Somebody on here’s like, “Oh, you’re going with ‘the women are all victims’, I see. What are you saying: women can’t do anything for themselves?” NOT AT BIRTH, YOU IMBECILE! What are they gonna do?
“I’ve got your colon in one hand and your liver in the other! Don’t try anything!”
Jeremy: Because nobody’s ever said, “We should really wait for Ricky.”
Ricky, on teaching: It’s like, I care during class, but before class and after class I don’t care. Like, they’re emailing me with their problems, and I’m like, “I don’t care.”
Sam: It’s one of those shows that’s never laugh-out-loud funny. It’s like, “I acknowledge that that was comedic.”
Sam: “Boyfriend” and “garbage disposal” are pretty much synonymous with us.
Sally: I’m Sally, I’m married to Jeremy…
Ricky: WHAT??
Sally: YOU WERE THERE, RICKY.
Grad student, on roomie’s DVD collection: Do I see “The Black Cauldron,” the middle child of Disney movies??
Talitha: When your card gets refused you feel like you’re wearing the scarlet letter on your bosom, and they’re looking at you like HA HA HA HA HA and everybody around you is looking at you like you’re some kind of shameful beast…
Sally, on a personal trainer she once had: She wasn’t BAD, she just wasn’t inspiring.
Jeremy: She was like that cake we got at Foodland.
Jeremy: We went to Cara’s defense. We had NO idea what she was talking about. It was a medical study. She killed some rats and got a degree out of it.
Ashley: I just don’t think I’ll be able to do that this semester.
Andrea: What, it’s going to take up your coloring time?
Ashley: His maternal grandfather was like first cousin to Czar Nicholas II. They had to flee Russia during the revolution.
Andrea: Mood-killer.
Dodger: I tried yoga.
Andrea: Yeah? How’d it go?
Dodger: I didn’t understand anything that was going on. The trainer told us to breathe from our ankles.
(Bible study on Mark 14)
Andrea: You missed #1ofthe12, Most Likely to Run Naked, and servant girl with a selfie stick.
Sally: Sounds like you covered Mark thoroughly.
Ashley: Somebody had to. Mark wasn’t doing a very good job of it.
Andrea: Water into wine! Water into wine, guys. Gather around.
Ashley: Jesus had a lot of party tricks.
“We’ve run out of munchies!”
“We can’t be out of snacks.”
*Jesus breaks the pretzels and they increase*
“Oh my God!”
“You called?”
Student during class discussion of Northanger Abbey: I have a question. Why is John Thorpe such a dick?
*there’s allspice in the cider*
Kabwe: I thought at first you said there was Old Spice in it!
Ashley: Yes, Old Spice. The cider tastes like my last boyfriend. …SMELLS! SMELLS LIKE MY LAST BOYFRIEND!
Jessica: I hope that’s going on the quoteboard.
Andrea: Yeah, I usually eat open-ended sandwiches. Open-ended? Open-FACED. I eat open-faced sandwiches.
Ashley: Open-ended sandwiches: you never get to finish them.
Mom: I can’t find my glasses…
Ashley: Did you check your head?
Mom: Yes. ...Somebody had to.
Student, writing about Northanger Abbey on class discussion board: One thing I noticed is that skeeviness runs in the Thorpe family. It is pretty clear that John Thorpe has some masculinity issues as well as a cocky personality.
*discussing men’s sharper senses, including having a lower pain threshold*
Andrea: I mean, if men are supposed to be the tough ones, the providers, then how… I mean, I can understand hunters, having a better sense of smell, but…
Ashley: It means if we get pricked with berry thorns, we’re okay. If they get bitten by saber-toothed tigers… well, they’re gonna die anyway.
First-year: Andrea Schadenfreude V___, ladies and gents.
Ashley: Roomies protecting roomies from possession by evil spirits!
Sally: She’s like, “Do you want rice crispy treats? Is it okay if there’s chocolate and peanut butter in them?” By the way, those are gone. They were gone by noon the next day.
Jeremy: We love you, but our love only stretches so far.
Andrea: Sex ed in English class!
Ashley: Well, they’re not getting it in sex ed class…
Sally: We’re still working on this communication thing.
Jeremy: Squirrels.
Jeremy: Jesus loves you, but you need to get that looked at.
Jeremy: The main message of all of [the birthday cards I could find] is that he should get slovenly drunk and engage in carnal activities.
Mom: I know what I’ll name it! “Abel”! [able]
Ashley: *groans* That’s TERRIBLE. I LOVE it.
Later:
Ashley: Mom named her cane. She named it “Abel”.
Mom: Although, the cane came with a name. Look: *points to name brand on cane* “Hugo.” Hugo, girl!
Chris: I’m surprised you didn’t name it “Citizen”.
Ashley: It’s really ironic that she named her CANE “ABEL”.
Dad: The best part is that when she knocks it over, she steps on the bottom and gets it to sit up again. She’s gotten really good at raising cane.
Jesse: I dreamed about your brother the other night. He murdered you and mailed me your hand. Then he was coming to kill me too and showed up at my house. But I got the upper hand and was strangling him with a string, but then he turned into Anne Hathaway, and I couldn’t kill him.
*Ashley tells a story about someone getting a letter from Derrida*
Chris: Isn’t he dead?
Ashley: Well, he certainly wasn’t when he wrote the letter!
Arlene: Maybe he did die and someone GHOST WROTE IT.
Chris: It wasn’t the same person, but it was written in the same SPIRIT.
Ashley: *groans*
Mom: Let’s talk about something less GRAVE.
Ashley: *groaning intensifies*
*Mom talks about how one of the screws in her ankle sticks out a little*
Wes: Can you tell if it’s Phillips or straight?
Chris: Well, either your arm’s broken or you’ve grown a second elbow.
Chris: Brady and I have toured-and by toured I mean we got past the fence and wandered around-
Ashley: *facepalms*
Chris: -an old nuclear reactor site.
Mom: Don’t run over the Amish boy.
Chris: I’m sure they have spares.
Chris, on the Great Vowel Shift: English lost control of their vowels all at once. Things really went to shit.
Ashley, on the town names in Ohio: “Guernsey”!
Chris: Yep, Guernsey County.
Ashley: Well, I guess we know where the settlers’ ancestors are from!
Chris: How does that explain “Neptune,” then?
Lee: Do you have a hose?
Mary Martha: Yes, do you need it?
Lee: Depends. Do you want hornet spray all over your house?
Mary Martha: Do I HAVE hornet spray all over my house?
Lee: Yep. You don’t have HORNETS anymore, but…
Jesse: *randomly, while watching Rizzoli and Isles* Nooo more Susie. Susie’s deeeaaad. Suuuusie’s deaaaaad…
Mom: Ashley called me. Her blind date believed that great inventors were inspired by aliens and that Donald Trump is a great candidate.
Dad: I don’t know which of those beliefs is more terrifying.
Mom: I guess you have to kiss a lot of frogs.
Dad: Well, this one sounds like a toad.
Andrea: Can I use your bathroom?
Ashley: Sure. What’s wrong with yours?
Andrea: I don’t know. There wasn’t any water in the toilet, so I flushed it, and now there’s water in it, but it’s just kind of looking at me funny.
Andrea: I have lost my ability to counteract this level of bullshit! I’ve been out of the South for too long!
Jessica: I got a rocking chair, and my quality of life improved dramatically.
Jessica: Everything I say is cuter when there’s a ribbon in my hair. I should wear a ribbon in my hair one day a week until I get a date.
Ashley: I had a dilation and curettage.
Jessica: I don’t know what that is.
Ashley: She basically stuck something in my uterus and scraped it out.
Jessica: *SCREAMS*
Jen:
I think this is the worst haircut i have ever had
like it would have been better if i'd just done it myself. with a spoon.
Andrea, on people’s dumb comments on an article about how female babies are being increasingly aborted b/c people want sons: Somebody on here’s like, “Oh, you’re going with ‘the women are all victims’, I see. What are you saying: women can’t do anything for themselves?” NOT AT BIRTH, YOU IMBECILE! What are they gonna do?
“I’ve got your colon in one hand and your liver in the other! Don’t try anything!”
Jeremy: Because nobody’s ever said, “We should really wait for Ricky.”
Ricky, on teaching: It’s like, I care during class, but before class and after class I don’t care. Like, they’re emailing me with their problems, and I’m like, “I don’t care.”
Sam: It’s one of those shows that’s never laugh-out-loud funny. It’s like, “I acknowledge that that was comedic.”
Sam: “Boyfriend” and “garbage disposal” are pretty much synonymous with us.
Sally: I’m Sally, I’m married to Jeremy…
Ricky: WHAT??
Sally: YOU WERE THERE, RICKY.
Grad student, on roomie’s DVD collection: Do I see “The Black Cauldron,” the middle child of Disney movies??
Talitha: When your card gets refused you feel like you’re wearing the scarlet letter on your bosom, and they’re looking at you like HA HA HA HA HA and everybody around you is looking at you like you’re some kind of shameful beast…
Sally, on a personal trainer she once had: She wasn’t BAD, she just wasn’t inspiring.
Jeremy: She was like that cake we got at Foodland.
Jeremy: We went to Cara’s defense. We had NO idea what she was talking about. It was a medical study. She killed some rats and got a degree out of it.
Ashley: I just don’t think I’ll be able to do that this semester.
Andrea: What, it’s going to take up your coloring time?
Ashley: His maternal grandfather was like first cousin to Czar Nicholas II. They had to flee Russia during the revolution.
Andrea: Mood-killer.
Dodger: I tried yoga.
Andrea: Yeah? How’d it go?
Dodger: I didn’t understand anything that was going on. The trainer told us to breathe from our ankles.
(Bible study on Mark 14)
Andrea: You missed #1ofthe12, Most Likely to Run Naked, and servant girl with a selfie stick.
Sally: Sounds like you covered Mark thoroughly.
Ashley: Somebody had to. Mark wasn’t doing a very good job of it.
Andrea: Water into wine! Water into wine, guys. Gather around.
Ashley: Jesus had a lot of party tricks.
“We’ve run out of munchies!”
“We can’t be out of snacks.”
*Jesus breaks the pretzels and they increase*
“Oh my God!”
“You called?”
Student during class discussion of Northanger Abbey: I have a question. Why is John Thorpe such a dick?
*there’s allspice in the cider*
Kabwe: I thought at first you said there was Old Spice in it!
Ashley: Yes, Old Spice. The cider tastes like my last boyfriend. …SMELLS! SMELLS LIKE MY LAST BOYFRIEND!
Jessica: I hope that’s going on the quoteboard.
Andrea: Yeah, I usually eat open-ended sandwiches. Open-ended? Open-FACED. I eat open-faced sandwiches.
Ashley: Open-ended sandwiches: you never get to finish them.
Mom: I can’t find my glasses…
Ashley: Did you check your head?
Mom: Yes. ...Somebody had to.
Student, writing about Northanger Abbey on class discussion board: One thing I noticed is that skeeviness runs in the Thorpe family. It is pretty clear that John Thorpe has some masculinity issues as well as a cocky personality.
*discussing men’s sharper senses, including having a lower pain threshold*
Andrea: I mean, if men are supposed to be the tough ones, the providers, then how… I mean, I can understand hunters, having a better sense of smell, but…
Ashley: It means if we get pricked with berry thorns, we’re okay. If they get bitten by saber-toothed tigers… well, they’re gonna die anyway.
First-year: Andrea Schadenfreude V___, ladies and gents.
Ashley: Roomies protecting roomies from possession by evil spirits!
Sally: She’s like, “Do you want rice crispy treats? Is it okay if there’s chocolate and peanut butter in them?” By the way, those are gone. They were gone by noon the next day.
Jeremy: We love you, but our love only stretches so far.
Andrea: Sex ed in English class!
Ashley: Well, they’re not getting it in sex ed class…
Sally: We’re still working on this communication thing.
Jeremy: Squirrels.
Jeremy: Jesus loves you, but you need to get that looked at.
Jeremy: The main message of all of [the birthday cards I could find] is that he should get slovenly drunk and engage in carnal activities.