a shout out to Andy!
One thing I know with certainty: the support I've found in Andy as of late rivals anything I ever felt while we were married. As our post-marital relationship has evolved, hostility has slowly dissipated, assumptions about each other have be examined, re-examined, and discarded if deemed incorrect, new levels of understanding have been reached, open communication and honesty now constitute the norm (and arguments have become the exception! Yeah!).
For a while now, he's expressed the desire to be the primary (weekday) parent. I can see that he's genuinely trying. He's weighing his many and varied options including:
applying for a job as the assistant teacher in the preschool classroom at Tatiana's school
considering a warehouse job with more flexible hours
and thinking about going back to school to become a teacher or professor and doing the financial aid thing like me.
It seems he has no qualms about turning his life on its head right now, which is a new thing cause he's never had the confidence to be much of a risk taker. His mantra was (imo) more like "slow and steady wins the race". But now everything is different, and I think for both of us the long-term is all too real now that we don't have the false sense of security of our marriage shielding us from our own realities anymore.
Funny too, I thought that because we're divorcing, somehow his goals and my goals would necessecarily become separate and DIFFERENT. But I'm finding that his goals and my goals, though perhaps (society would have us believe) "should" change, the fact of the matter is they haven’t. I think it's mainly because the common goal for each of us - whether we're together romantically or living separate lives - is still the kids. Cause they certainly never asked for this bullshit. AND, I think another key component is that we're still essentially the same people we've always been - we just had trouble seeing each other without emotional baggage before. The thing that's changed is that we now see each other without all the negativity and bullshit (emotional baggage, some might say) of the past 12 years. I don't know how we managed to get here, but it's an undeniably good thing!
Much as he wants to be the primary parent, I also realize that it would be unrealistic for either of us to expect change is going to come overnight, at least not positive, well thought out, long-term-beneficial change, that is. If there's one thing we always have and always will agree on, it's the idea that personal fulfillment is more important than the size of one's paycheck. Furthermore, I know first hand that when he's happy with his job, when he feels he's doing something that makes a difference (right action, so to speak), he's engaged, joyful, and interested in life and it transfers over to his interactions with the kids. THAT'S the important stuff in life, in my opinion. The MOST important thing for me right now, considering the fact that Andy *wants, desires, and would love* to be the primary parent, is that I help make sure that the supports are put in place for him to be happy, fulfilled, and to feel supported in the tremendous and HUGE job he's taking on. I believe that one's happiness as a parent is reciprocal to that person's level of satisfaction with life in general.
(But that's just my opinion, and WE ALL KNOW I talk too much and have WAAAAY too many fucking opinions! :P)
I know that switching jobs will require sacrifice on his part; he LOVES his job right now working with the county. He volunteered for 2 ½ years before they created a position for him there. Now THAT’s dedication! But the skills he’s gained are highly specialized to his field, and since he never went further than his Associates degree in Liberal Arts, job options with pay and benefits similar to what he currently earns will be scarce. Unfortunately, working Monday through Thursday from 5AM to 3PM makes it impossible to take over with the kids during the weekdays.
So, I’m encouraging him to go back to college. It was HIS idea - HE brought it up. It's a big deal for him to be reconsidering college. He's so friggin smart and motivated to learn that he pretty much burned out on the structure and format of college classes altogether a long time ago. He finds college frustrating. Lemme tell you why: when he takes a class, (if it isn't something he already knows inside and out anyway) he learns the course material and completes the assignments within the *first week or two* of class. This seems to apply to him across the board, no matter the subject matter - math, science, philosophy, history, physics, computer programming / computer science - he does all equally well and learns and absorbs each with equal intensity. Sounds great - right? Like he should have 6 degrees by now, or something. Well, herein lies the problem. Because of mandatory attendance requirements (which almost always count toward your grade in the class), he has to continue to attend class for the entire rest of the semester - with a bunch of people who are struggling to learn the same stuff he just learned in a week!
Geeze, how boring would that be?
He craves knowledge, and constant intellectual stimulation, seeks out challenges of all sorts, and attacks them with intensity and child-like curiosity. When he was 7, his parents used to take him to the El Dorado library (which at that time, was a piddly, sorry ass excuse for a library - the majority of the books were from the 50's!) The science section was especially pathetic. Even so, he read everything he could get his hands on and taught himself physics.
(shut up Andy - we may be gettin' divorced, but I still get bragging rights cause you my baby's daddy!)
A mind like that should be utilized and challenged, IMO. And it seems the only way to the "good" jobs (jobs where you get to use your brain) is via that piece of paper called a diploma.
I want Andy to be happy. I want him to be successful in the role of primary parent for as long as he chooses to do it, cause I know it’s not easy. I'm hoping that when we talk tonight, we can bring together our equally valid yet different perspectives and have a critique of our parenting experiences over the past 6 years.(thanks for the critique idea Jeremy, and thanks to both James and Jeremy for pushing the limits of the situations I thought critiques applied to! :)
How cool would that be? Approach it like an art project with creation as the central theme - creating joy and support and growth, balance, equity/equality, all the while keeping in mind that after the first few years of a child's life, each parent's gender is perhaps the least important factor in determining who is better suited for primary parent status. For starters, we could note what worked and what didn't for each of the four of us, our strengths and weaknesses, what brings us joy, our frustrations, etc. I think discussing that stuff will help us figure out what a mutually beneficial / enjoyable co-parenting plan might look like for us, and how we’re going to make it all work with regard to work & school schedules as well as finances. But, nothing’s changing overnight. Perhaps by January we’ll have it worked out. That’s my goal.
In the meantime, I'm trying to remember that I am still the stay at home mom and primary parent.
I chose that - nobody forced me into it.
I’m going to try to remember the time in my life when parenting alone was enough for me, when it was joyful and fulfilling.
And then, I’m going to do my damndest to get back to that head space.
For a while now, he's expressed the desire to be the primary (weekday) parent. I can see that he's genuinely trying. He's weighing his many and varied options including:
applying for a job as the assistant teacher in the preschool classroom at Tatiana's school
considering a warehouse job with more flexible hours
and thinking about going back to school to become a teacher or professor and doing the financial aid thing like me.
It seems he has no qualms about turning his life on its head right now, which is a new thing cause he's never had the confidence to be much of a risk taker. His mantra was (imo) more like "slow and steady wins the race". But now everything is different, and I think for both of us the long-term is all too real now that we don't have the false sense of security of our marriage shielding us from our own realities anymore.
Funny too, I thought that because we're divorcing, somehow his goals and my goals would necessecarily become separate and DIFFERENT. But I'm finding that his goals and my goals, though perhaps (society would have us believe) "should" change, the fact of the matter is they haven’t. I think it's mainly because the common goal for each of us - whether we're together romantically or living separate lives - is still the kids. Cause they certainly never asked for this bullshit. AND, I think another key component is that we're still essentially the same people we've always been - we just had trouble seeing each other without emotional baggage before. The thing that's changed is that we now see each other without all the negativity and bullshit (emotional baggage, some might say) of the past 12 years. I don't know how we managed to get here, but it's an undeniably good thing!
Much as he wants to be the primary parent, I also realize that it would be unrealistic for either of us to expect change is going to come overnight, at least not positive, well thought out, long-term-beneficial change, that is. If there's one thing we always have and always will agree on, it's the idea that personal fulfillment is more important than the size of one's paycheck. Furthermore, I know first hand that when he's happy with his job, when he feels he's doing something that makes a difference (right action, so to speak), he's engaged, joyful, and interested in life and it transfers over to his interactions with the kids. THAT'S the important stuff in life, in my opinion. The MOST important thing for me right now, considering the fact that Andy *wants, desires, and would love* to be the primary parent, is that I help make sure that the supports are put in place for him to be happy, fulfilled, and to feel supported in the tremendous and HUGE job he's taking on. I believe that one's happiness as a parent is reciprocal to that person's level of satisfaction with life in general.
(But that's just my opinion, and WE ALL KNOW I talk too much and have WAAAAY too many fucking opinions! :P)
I know that switching jobs will require sacrifice on his part; he LOVES his job right now working with the county. He volunteered for 2 ½ years before they created a position for him there. Now THAT’s dedication! But the skills he’s gained are highly specialized to his field, and since he never went further than his Associates degree in Liberal Arts, job options with pay and benefits similar to what he currently earns will be scarce. Unfortunately, working Monday through Thursday from 5AM to 3PM makes it impossible to take over with the kids during the weekdays.
So, I’m encouraging him to go back to college. It was HIS idea - HE brought it up. It's a big deal for him to be reconsidering college. He's so friggin smart and motivated to learn that he pretty much burned out on the structure and format of college classes altogether a long time ago. He finds college frustrating. Lemme tell you why: when he takes a class, (if it isn't something he already knows inside and out anyway) he learns the course material and completes the assignments within the *first week or two* of class. This seems to apply to him across the board, no matter the subject matter - math, science, philosophy, history, physics, computer programming / computer science - he does all equally well and learns and absorbs each with equal intensity. Sounds great - right? Like he should have 6 degrees by now, or something. Well, herein lies the problem. Because of mandatory attendance requirements (which almost always count toward your grade in the class), he has to continue to attend class for the entire rest of the semester - with a bunch of people who are struggling to learn the same stuff he just learned in a week!
Geeze, how boring would that be?
He craves knowledge, and constant intellectual stimulation, seeks out challenges of all sorts, and attacks them with intensity and child-like curiosity. When he was 7, his parents used to take him to the El Dorado library (which at that time, was a piddly, sorry ass excuse for a library - the majority of the books were from the 50's!) The science section was especially pathetic. Even so, he read everything he could get his hands on and taught himself physics.
(shut up Andy - we may be gettin' divorced, but I still get bragging rights cause you my baby's daddy!)
A mind like that should be utilized and challenged, IMO. And it seems the only way to the "good" jobs (jobs where you get to use your brain) is via that piece of paper called a diploma.
I want Andy to be happy. I want him to be successful in the role of primary parent for as long as he chooses to do it, cause I know it’s not easy. I'm hoping that when we talk tonight, we can bring together our equally valid yet different perspectives and have a critique of our parenting experiences over the past 6 years.(thanks for the critique idea Jeremy, and thanks to both James and Jeremy for pushing the limits of the situations I thought critiques applied to! :)
How cool would that be? Approach it like an art project with creation as the central theme - creating joy and support and growth, balance, equity/equality, all the while keeping in mind that after the first few years of a child's life, each parent's gender is perhaps the least important factor in determining who is better suited for primary parent status. For starters, we could note what worked and what didn't for each of the four of us, our strengths and weaknesses, what brings us joy, our frustrations, etc. I think discussing that stuff will help us figure out what a mutually beneficial / enjoyable co-parenting plan might look like for us, and how we’re going to make it all work with regard to work & school schedules as well as finances. But, nothing’s changing overnight. Perhaps by January we’ll have it worked out. That’s my goal.
In the meantime, I'm trying to remember that I am still the stay at home mom and primary parent.
I chose that - nobody forced me into it.
I’m going to try to remember the time in my life when parenting alone was enough for me, when it was joyful and fulfilling.
And then, I’m going to do my damndest to get back to that head space.