(no subject)
I replied to my mom with the following:
Dearest Mommy (not to be confused with ‘mommy dearest’),
If you thought that last letter was lengthy, wait till you see this one! ;)
Although I sincerely appreciate your offer for me to talk to you about this stuff, I’m having a hard time coping with and processing it all, and talking about it is not something I want to do with anyone right now. It’s a lot to process. I'm feeling ashamed that I can't make it all work right now, and the last thing I want to do is talk about this out loud right now. But thanks for the supportive sentiment. I was wondering if, after you read my email, you though to yourself, “this came out of nowhere”. I haven’t talked to you (or anyone else really) about this stuff. Not to you because you have your own stuff to deal with right now and I don’t want to add to your emotional stress. Not to anyone else because I thought it would pass within a week or two. Obviously, it's not passing as quickly as I like. Plus, there’s really nothing anyone else can do about it except me; essentially, I’m on my own here. I did talk to Andy about it today; what began as a conversation about the logistics of co-parenting evolved into an open dialogue about what’s going on in my head right now. He was sympathetic and supportive; we had a good talk for several hours.
You asked if I was OK when you wrote back to me. Yes and no.
I'm OK as in I'm not at all 'suicidal', on the verge of a nervous breakdown, depressed, or anything of the sort. I would expect to be a wreck right now, but I’m not. Mostly just disappointed in myself for not being able to hack it and feeling sad and a bit like a loser for having to withdraw from school this semester. I would say that thing I'm having trouble with is my ADD, especially when I try to do more than one thing at a time (even if those things are small/easy tasks, or something as simple as just hearing two people talk at the same time). My general state of being has been irritable/bitchy for the past few days, and I feel overwhelmed by life constantly. It's definitely time to swallow my pride and start taking my ADD meds again, at least until my life becomes or *feels* more manageable. I took some of Andy's today and noticed immediately how much better I felt - more centered, calm, like my head was organized and someone had thrown away all of the periphery and irrelevant thoughts so that I could focus on the here and now. It still amazes me that meth can do that, can have that effect on me… And, though I *HATE* the idea that it's a drug that induces that state of mind in me right now, I'm OK with that for the time being. If it were just me and I were living on my own, my behavior and mood could be as shitty as I needed it to be, but the rules change when you're a parent - being bitchy 24/7 is not an option. And, besides, it won't be forever. I don't always need the meds - just seem to benefit from them mostly when I'm under extreme emotional stress from several sources at once.
The “no” part of my answer is simply due to the fact that I’m struggling right now. But even though I’m not categorically OK, I know I’ll get through this just fine in time. I will be OK, I know it's going to be OK, but right now, the present, just feels like one big huge transition that I'm scurrying to squeeze my way through in order to get to whatever the hell is on the other side. The honeymoon period (speaking in terms of the divorce, specifically) is over (alternately, you could say that 'the shock has worn off', either way-same thing). Reality is setting in - mostly dealing with the fact that it’s harder to be the single mom (a competent, empathetic, present mom) than I thought it would be. And you know Ethan has been butting heads with Tatiana and I for a long time now - since before the divorce; it’s a long standing problem. But yesterday when Tatiana’s teacher made reference to the fact that Tatiana needs to be protected from Ethan, it was the kick in the ass that confirmed the fact that the dynamic between the three of us is REALLY out of hand. And, I honestly don’t know how to fix it. That’s the worst part! Tatiana’s teacher gave me some good ideas and suggested some reading material; she also has made it clear that I can use her as a resource. The scary part about it is that I know how long it’s been a problem, and I worry that it will take an equally long time to get things back in check.
I’ve concluded that during the week while the kids are with me, making this new life work is going to mean letting go of some of the things I love most. Class and my art are the two biggest ones. The internet is another. Is this temporary? Long term? Permanent? Who knows? But something's gotta give till I get life back on track for myself and the kids. I have entirely too much on my plate right now.
Wanna hear something ridiculous? Somehow, I seemed to have had this idea in my head that being a single mom would somehow required less commitment than being a married, stay at home mom. I don’t know where THAT idea came from! It’s as if I assumed that because I was no longer married, I could slack on the parenting, and everyone else (myself included) would just excuse it away. (The following are assumptions and perceptions I held about single motherhood without even realizing it.) Examples:
"I'm a single mom - PITY ME!"
"Whatever you do, don't ever hold me accountable, or worse, hold me to the same standards as other parents!"
"Oh well, she's a single mom, it's harder for her"
"of course she has to adjust the way she parents! She's the only one doing all the parenting!"
"Of course she's stressed out all the time!
"Of course she takes it out on the kids! Her husband's gone, who else is going to be her whipping post? After all, everyone needs a whipping post, right? Otherwise, once you stop blaming others for your personal shortcomings, all that's left is personal responsibility - and ewwwwww!, no one wants that!"
How much can one expect from a single mom? She's doing the best she can."
It's really screwy looking back at it, but I *expected* that because I became a single mom, my parenting would automatically suffer. And I was OK with that because I thought it was inevitable, a necessary evil. Thus, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. And guess where I find myself right now? Grade A #1 shitty parent. (sure, it can be argued that there are lots of parents out there who are worse than I am, but in my opinion that's no excuse).
BUT, there is a the silver lining: I don't have to choose to be like that anymore!
Through a process of realizing my shortcomings, owning my behavior (no scapegoats allowed!), seeking out positive parenting resources, and praxis (putting theory into action) I can choose to change for the better.
I'm sad. And I'll miss going to class. I'm really going to miss limiting my art to the weekends only. But I really believe that my priorities are in the right place for now, and that I'm making the best choice with regard to the kids. This won't be forever; it's just a setback.
Call me optimistic, but I truly believe that if we can bridge the gap between logical / intellectual knowledge and *belief*, each of us creates a reality in which everything is possible.
Lots of love (and stop worrying about me! I'm going to be fine!)
:) Jennifer
Dearest Mommy (not to be confused with ‘mommy dearest’),
If you thought that last letter was lengthy, wait till you see this one! ;)
Although I sincerely appreciate your offer for me to talk to you about this stuff, I’m having a hard time coping with and processing it all, and talking about it is not something I want to do with anyone right now. It’s a lot to process. I'm feeling ashamed that I can't make it all work right now, and the last thing I want to do is talk about this out loud right now. But thanks for the supportive sentiment. I was wondering if, after you read my email, you though to yourself, “this came out of nowhere”. I haven’t talked to you (or anyone else really) about this stuff. Not to you because you have your own stuff to deal with right now and I don’t want to add to your emotional stress. Not to anyone else because I thought it would pass within a week or two. Obviously, it's not passing as quickly as I like. Plus, there’s really nothing anyone else can do about it except me; essentially, I’m on my own here. I did talk to Andy about it today; what began as a conversation about the logistics of co-parenting evolved into an open dialogue about what’s going on in my head right now. He was sympathetic and supportive; we had a good talk for several hours.
You asked if I was OK when you wrote back to me. Yes and no.
I'm OK as in I'm not at all 'suicidal', on the verge of a nervous breakdown, depressed, or anything of the sort. I would expect to be a wreck right now, but I’m not. Mostly just disappointed in myself for not being able to hack it and feeling sad and a bit like a loser for having to withdraw from school this semester. I would say that thing I'm having trouble with is my ADD, especially when I try to do more than one thing at a time (even if those things are small/easy tasks, or something as simple as just hearing two people talk at the same time). My general state of being has been irritable/bitchy for the past few days, and I feel overwhelmed by life constantly. It's definitely time to swallow my pride and start taking my ADD meds again, at least until my life becomes or *feels* more manageable. I took some of Andy's today and noticed immediately how much better I felt - more centered, calm, like my head was organized and someone had thrown away all of the periphery and irrelevant thoughts so that I could focus on the here and now. It still amazes me that meth can do that, can have that effect on me… And, though I *HATE* the idea that it's a drug that induces that state of mind in me right now, I'm OK with that for the time being. If it were just me and I were living on my own, my behavior and mood could be as shitty as I needed it to be, but the rules change when you're a parent - being bitchy 24/7 is not an option. And, besides, it won't be forever. I don't always need the meds - just seem to benefit from them mostly when I'm under extreme emotional stress from several sources at once.
The “no” part of my answer is simply due to the fact that I’m struggling right now. But even though I’m not categorically OK, I know I’ll get through this just fine in time. I will be OK, I know it's going to be OK, but right now, the present, just feels like one big huge transition that I'm scurrying to squeeze my way through in order to get to whatever the hell is on the other side. The honeymoon period (speaking in terms of the divorce, specifically) is over (alternately, you could say that 'the shock has worn off', either way-same thing). Reality is setting in - mostly dealing with the fact that it’s harder to be the single mom (a competent, empathetic, present mom) than I thought it would be. And you know Ethan has been butting heads with Tatiana and I for a long time now - since before the divorce; it’s a long standing problem. But yesterday when Tatiana’s teacher made reference to the fact that Tatiana needs to be protected from Ethan, it was the kick in the ass that confirmed the fact that the dynamic between the three of us is REALLY out of hand. And, I honestly don’t know how to fix it. That’s the worst part! Tatiana’s teacher gave me some good ideas and suggested some reading material; she also has made it clear that I can use her as a resource. The scary part about it is that I know how long it’s been a problem, and I worry that it will take an equally long time to get things back in check.
I’ve concluded that during the week while the kids are with me, making this new life work is going to mean letting go of some of the things I love most. Class and my art are the two biggest ones. The internet is another. Is this temporary? Long term? Permanent? Who knows? But something's gotta give till I get life back on track for myself and the kids. I have entirely too much on my plate right now.
Wanna hear something ridiculous? Somehow, I seemed to have had this idea in my head that being a single mom would somehow required less commitment than being a married, stay at home mom. I don’t know where THAT idea came from! It’s as if I assumed that because I was no longer married, I could slack on the parenting, and everyone else (myself included) would just excuse it away. (The following are assumptions and perceptions I held about single motherhood without even realizing it.) Examples:
"I'm a single mom - PITY ME!"
"Whatever you do, don't ever hold me accountable, or worse, hold me to the same standards as other parents!"
"Oh well, she's a single mom, it's harder for her"
"of course she has to adjust the way she parents! She's the only one doing all the parenting!"
"Of course she's stressed out all the time!
"Of course she takes it out on the kids! Her husband's gone, who else is going to be her whipping post? After all, everyone needs a whipping post, right? Otherwise, once you stop blaming others for your personal shortcomings, all that's left is personal responsibility - and ewwwwww!, no one wants that!"
How much can one expect from a single mom? She's doing the best she can."
It's really screwy looking back at it, but I *expected* that because I became a single mom, my parenting would automatically suffer. And I was OK with that because I thought it was inevitable, a necessary evil. Thus, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. And guess where I find myself right now? Grade A #1 shitty parent. (sure, it can be argued that there are lots of parents out there who are worse than I am, but in my opinion that's no excuse).
BUT, there is a the silver lining: I don't have to choose to be like that anymore!
Through a process of realizing my shortcomings, owning my behavior (no scapegoats allowed!), seeking out positive parenting resources, and praxis (putting theory into action) I can choose to change for the better.
I'm sad. And I'll miss going to class. I'm really going to miss limiting my art to the weekends only. But I really believe that my priorities are in the right place for now, and that I'm making the best choice with regard to the kids. This won't be forever; it's just a setback.
Call me optimistic, but I truly believe that if we can bridge the gap between logical / intellectual knowledge and *belief*, each of us creates a reality in which everything is possible.
Lots of love (and stop worrying about me! I'm going to be fine!)
:) Jennifer