(no subject)
Sometimes I feel like making my own blog generator from past entries I've made, because going back over previous posts, I seem to be saying the same things I wrote three years ago when I first started my journal online. Or even further back from my actual paper journal. I know I have matured so much since then, but why am I having the same problems?
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Thursday, September 05, 2002
Today was mediocre. I thought a lot about things I wish I hadn't.
Sometimes I underestimate my aptitude to act spontaneously. I've got this feeling... I just want to become completely numb, shut my eyes and die. That would make things better.
Friday, December 13, 2002
What is it that makes me act so backwards at times?? I swear to god I look forward to seeing my friends all fucking week, then when I get around them I clam up and think stupid thoughts and feel insecure. I'm so awkwardly uncomfortable in my own skin. *Sigh of disgust*
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
I have no friends my age. I have no group of dependable people I can randomly call, or automatically assume that we will most definately go out TOGETHER. No consistant individuals. No one that has stayed constant in personality and promising in reality. I think of those who I've known and been friends with... they have come and gone so frequently and interchanging. Almost as though it doesn't matter who they are. Each person just fills the position. My mind draws a blank.
I have no goals for the future as far as career, plans, living circumstances. Just ideas. The knowledge of what I am almost sure of.
Anyway, I'm trying to get out of old habits. It is more mentally stimulating seeing new things and people than constantly being around the same group, especially when it doesn't seem that half of them even care.
The latest formation of relationships reminds me of that dance where everyone in the inner circle stands still and the dancers on the outer circle step over to their left and on to the next person.
Care to dance?
*********************************************
Thursday, September 05, 2002
Today was mediocre. I thought a lot about things I wish I hadn't.
Sometimes I underestimate my aptitude to act spontaneously. I've got this feeling... I just want to become completely numb, shut my eyes and die. That would make things better.
Friday, December 13, 2002
What is it that makes me act so backwards at times?? I swear to god I look forward to seeing my friends all fucking week, then when I get around them I clam up and think stupid thoughts and feel insecure. I'm so awkwardly uncomfortable in my own skin. *Sigh of disgust*
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
I have no friends my age. I have no group of dependable people I can randomly call, or automatically assume that we will most definately go out TOGETHER. No consistant individuals. No one that has stayed constant in personality and promising in reality. I think of those who I've known and been friends with... they have come and gone so frequently and interchanging. Almost as though it doesn't matter who they are. Each person just fills the position. My mind draws a blank.
I have no goals for the future as far as career, plans, living circumstances. Just ideas. The knowledge of what I am almost sure of.
Anyway, I'm trying to get out of old habits. It is more mentally stimulating seeing new things and people than constantly being around the same group, especially when it doesn't seem that half of them even care.
The latest formation of relationships reminds me of that dance where everyone in the inner circle stands still and the dancers on the outer circle step over to their left and on to the next person.
Care to dance?