OD'd On Life Itself...
this room is dimly lit. its like looking back a few years, when the sun came up from the right side of my head and partially blinded me. id squint and shrug it off. sighing makes things seem like a chore, even when youre not thanked for them. a cash reward is fine, but does it still count? i hit your dog with my car. the dark hallways and cool breezes send me into a paranoid frenzy. i sleep with the television on and a knife in my hands. im ready to jump at any moment, but i currently find myself unarmed. im not ready. im in danger, and its all i can do not to cry out for help. help is a call away, in the next room, a rusted razor in my garage, a kichen knife recently sharpened. if worse came to worse, id do it slowly. the sounds of my house settling make me wonder what kind of strange people are living in my attic and what they might be planning. i take a blind and nervous plunge into the infinite blackness of my kitchen, searching the walls for a switch to flip on some sort of reason. dissorientation and confusion are the power surges knocking me out. i over-come this little problem in life and feel like a hero. how is it that a person whos seen things censored on the television is still afraid of the dark and heights. its an unjustified fear. is the dead man around the corner, waiting patiently to tear my skin off?... are the bugs in the drawer, ready to claw my skin and eat my muscle? it all seems impossible and seeminly plausible, but each time my ears perk up, or i get goosebumps, i lose some small piece of sanity. im thrown farther into this paranoid dillusion ive been brought up in. i go from zero to calm and back to wide-awake in seconds. music isnt enough to calm these nerves-... its what the drugs were for. those arent a part of my daily habit. im out for the time being, like a fighter whos broken his arm or a horse whos broken its leg-... except they wont shoot me. itll most likely be the slow kind of death that creeps up on you over the course of your "life". you know its going to happen someday, and you dont know when. its that dark place in your mind, the future, you cant tell whats around the next millisecond, so you have to wait and expect something-... and if it happened that it was the last millisecond? sitting in my backyard with my best friend smoking cigarettes is one thing, but being stabbed in the chest as i choke on my own blood?... ill take the former if possible. its getting late, so i leave you as i sprint to my room while flicking off the lights before i go to bed. i miss the days when i could be tucked in. when people would read and talk to me until i fell asleep. when all i had to worry about was whether or not i packed lunch for the next day. well, i know i didnt, and i think i can cope with that. besides, its probably going to rain tomorrow anyway.