hmph

[around_the_bend]

so i got what i wanted... now i don't want it anymore... i feel so lost right now... i got the job i wanted... in a city thats not london... i got to move out... but why am i not happy? ... i think i took the cheap way out of leaving... i still work for the same company... just a different location... away from my friends... i want to disappear... i really think its a possibility i will do that once the 6 months ends... i wish i could tell no one where i am... but i will have to tell my parents... i'm not sure where i will go or what i'll do... but i just want to vanish... and the girl i'm dating? refuses to consider it anymore then friends...although we are clearly more... i don't even care anymore... i don't even really want her coming her tomorrow... i can't tell her that though... i just really don't know what i want with my life... i just know i'm not happy with it... i'm not happy with routine... i hate routine... i hate doing the same thing everyday... i hate having to fit in time to do things... i just want to experience life, not have to organize it... i want to be able to do stuff when i want...i want to hop into a car and drive... fuckin life and responsibilities... ... always gettin in the damn way...i dunno what i want to do i really don't... i'm split a million ways... everyone has different expectations of me... do i settle down and go to school, be a teacher? ... do i start my own business? do i struggle in tv in london and hope to get a fulltime job one day out of it? do i move to toronto and do it there? .. do i just go off to a factory and do that for while? i really wish there was something out there for me... do i go off and explore the world? i really want that one to be the one...
i think i need to do something for my sanity, i think i need to remove myself from my social circle... i need to cut things off.. i'm going to only communicate through here for a while... i need time to myself, away from everyone...time to figure things out, for myself, for once, with no outside opinions.. i need my british passport too... i am sick of who i am and the fact that i am only the person everyone wants me to be, i am not myself... i don't know if i ever will be, but here is my first attempt at changing it... no more msn, no more phone calls, no more visits to london other then to visit family, no more emails...only my thoughts and this journal...
goodnight, take care, catch ya on the flip side, be sound