not sure
i'm not sure if i want write down what i'm thinking or whats going on... i'm still not sure whats going on... i'm going to windsor in 2 weeks ... for 6 months... and my relationship is still on going... she's definately made it clear that we are not boyfriend / girlfriend and that she has no claim on me... but she could have also been saying that stuff to make me tell her we are... or reassure her that i'm not looking elsewhere...sometimes its really hard to tell when to take things at face value or read deeper into things... because later while drunk she admitted that i drive her crazy... which i like... i like knowing that i'm not alone and that i have some sort of effect on her... i usually assume i have no effect on people's lives.... its nice to be reminded sometimes that you do... i get the feeling as though the relationship is moving forward in a positive manner... i am still torn between really falling for her / commiting to her... or keeping my distance until she gets back... she has started to mention plans or whatever when she gets back... so that is kind of cool... the longer this goes, the more i want things to work out... but at the same time the more comfortable i am with the idea that once dec 5 rolls around, that she will be gone... i know she's returning... but will she be the same person, will she want to still spend time with me, will she accept the fact that i'm working 3 hours away from her... i don't know... but really, why waste my time being sad for what could be a loss... i've recently been realizing on a daily basis how little life we have and how we need to conscious of that fact... i tend to walk through life completely ignoring that fact because its easier... i hope to make better use of my time... and not so much in the fact that i should be DOING something important every second of my life... i just want to be comfortable ... i just want to know, and realize that at any moment, anyone i know could be taken away, including me... i also find it hard to grasp with any sense of understanding how 1000's of people die every day... one death to someone close to me would effect me so much... 1000's and 1000's of people lives are being changed forever every single day... i feel an overwhelming sense of trying to be a better person though... i also want to let people know how important they are... and that yes, they do effect other people...