Addictive Obsession - Chapter Seven [part II]
That’s when Kazuya swirled back at him and faced him with an expression of utmost hatred and disdain. “Why should he do so?” he shouted over the loud music, though he could have as well whispered because Jin still would have heard. Somewhere, in Kazuya’s cloudy mind, this situation reminded him of the second time he met Jin. The same damn thing… rolling over and over, like a broken disk.
“Because you’re mine and I’ll fucking kill anyone who dares to touch you.” Jin hissed dangerously at Kazuya, close to his lips, enough to feel his breath and to see his darkened eyes. He brought Kazuya closer to him and grinded his body into his, now both of his hands holding him in place. “You’re MY fucking property, get that already!” he threatened the younger, his voice calmer but his heart beating as fast as when he first heard where is Kazuya.
“No kidding.” The younger retorted back with a smirk. “I’m no one’s property even if you’re the one who’s fucking me.” He added and pushed Jin from him, as hard as he could, but he didn’t manage to release himself from Jin’s grip. The older one’s fury was now at his peak and this gave him even more strength than he already had. He shook him a few times, not being able to control his anger for a long time.
“You agreed to be mine and to not let anyone else touch you, so sorry to disappoint you but you ARE mine.” Jin continued on the same low and dangerous voice that left people trembling in front of him. The powerful effect was kind of gone now because of the loud music blasting in the speakers around them, but Jin was confident that only his look can have the same result. “If you want so much to whore yourself, you’ll do it on MY conditions, bitch.” He growled, annoyed because of the music and that fucking guy and Kazuya and the noise and everything and Kazuya.
“Oh, god, stop your fucking yapping! I agreed to be with you because you offer me drugs and that’s all.” Kazuya snapped back, ignoring the pain that settled in his strangled arm. “You even have conditions on my fucking time, really now!” Kazuya said sarcastically, not really understanding why he was behaving like this right now.
“I have conditions on your whole being, you fucking idiot.” Jin replied, angered by Kazuya’s behavior but still trying to control himself. He should know better, Kazuya doesn’t mean these things. He was only in a big need of drugs, he didn’t know what he was saying anymore and only his need controlled him. But Jin failed to keep this thing in mind and before he knew what he’s doing, he was already dragging Kazuya after him, out of the club and towards his car parked at two streets distance - courtesy of Yamapi, as his friend had announced him.
“If you forgot our agreement, I’ll be more than gladly to remember you.” He continued to talk by himself while they kept walking, not really caring if Kazuya was listening or just struggling to get free. A smirk appeared on his face as the dildo scene replayed in his mind. “I’ll teach you once again the rules if you don’t know what to do. It seems I have been too kind to you and now you think you rule the world. But…”
“You’ve been too kind to me?!” Kazuya shouted from behind. “Are you plain stupid or just super stupid?!!” he laughed wildly and looking insane. “You don’t know what’s kindness. You don’t know how to give it. You just know how to take.”
Jin stopped for a moment, making Kazuya bump into him. He started to walk again almost immediately, like nothing happened even if his eyes full of hate showed the opposite. “You have no idea what it means to know my anger. So don’t push it, Kazu.” He said with a sadistic smile, throwing the younger towards his car which they had finally reached, making him hit the door hard. He quickly followed him, trapping him between his own body and the car, grabbing his arms and holding them again to not give him any chance. “You would be begging for death to take you if I hadn’t been easy with you. So don’t you fucking tell me what I know and what I don’t!!” he yelled, his voice dissipating into the silence that was surrounding them on the dark alley.
He turned Kazuya with his back on him and caught both of his hands with only one of his. “I can make you scream in a lot of ways, Kazu~” he continued with a sweet voice, so sweet that it made you sick. His free hand traveled on the younger’s body, slowly, almost gently. “I can make you cry and not only of pleasure.” It had reached his throat now. “And you won’t be the only one enjoying this kind of treatment, my lovely whore.” It started to press, slowly at first and after that with more power, only to release him after a couple of seconds.
Kazuya coughed a little as the pressure on his neck finally subdued. He began to laugh at first lowly, after that madly. Like he didn’t know what pain was, like he didn’t know how it felt. Stupid Jin. He doesn’t even know him. “And you think you’ll be the first one to make me scream and cry and not because of pleasure?” he said sardonically. “Don’t flatter yourself.” He added turning his head a little just to meet Jin’s eyes. “And I don’t beg for death. Only for drugs, babe.”
“Oh, I’m sure you have a lot of experience from sleeping with random men, you bitch.” Jin fired back, grinding his lips into Kazuya’s and burying his hand into the younger’s hair to keep watching his face. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to hear you screaming and begging tonight. Let’s see if you’ll be as brave as now if I keep you locked without any drugs.” He smirked evilly, backing away from Kazuya, unlocking the door and throwing the boy inside, Jin quickly following him on the other side.
“God, I love you when you’re acting like the king of the world.” Kazuya laughed as soon as Jin entered the car. “You’ll fall quickly, you know?” he added and turned to look at the older as if he was a person with a rare disease and who was going to die soon. “And I’m sure my experience is a bother to you.” He continued, chuckling.
“I’m the king of everything, baby.” Jin replied with a smug face, turning on the engine and setting off to his house. “And why would I be bothered by your experience?” he raised an eyebrow even if he couldn’t look at the other and all he could do was to just glance at him. “You’re tight enough and you also know a few tricks. The perfect pet, don’t you agree?”
Well, almost perfect. If Jin ignored the scenes like this one.
“I know more, it’s just I don’t share all with you.” Kazuya said, humming a little and enjoying this kind of atmosphere. Was he like this before? Was he this careless and insolent before he met Jin? Maybe, but not this much. “I share with only those who earn it.” He added with a smirk on those sinful lips.
Jin took a moment to look at Kazuya before finally returning his gaze on the street. “Really?” he asked with a scoff. When had the atmosphere changed from tensed to… a teasing one? “And what should one do, by your standards, to earn this?” he added, rolling his eyes but secretly enjoying this part of Kazuya and what seemed to be an innocent game between them.
But it was only on impression, nothing more, because they would soon get to Jin's apartment. And just like Cinderella, the magic will disappear again.
“Not telling~” Kazuya sing-song, laughing. “See, even if you say I’m your property, you can’t even make me say something like this.” He then added, the cold smile on his lips being the proof that Kazuya didn’t want to tease, he wanted to hurt and fight. Because he didn’t want Jin anymore in his life. Not after what happened back there.
“Don’t worry, you’ll eventually tell me.” Jin replied nonchalant, seeming sure of his words. He stopped the car and turned to look at Kazuya with inquiring eyes, observing him for a few moments before talking. “Do I have to drag you up till my apartment or can you walk on your own legs?” he then asked, an eyebrow elegantly raised. “Cause, you know, it’s far and I’m tired.” He then added, pretending to yawn and to be completely relaxed.
“I guess you’ll have to drag me, because I don’t want to go with you.” Kazuya replied, equally relaxed, though his eyes had a weird spark.
Jin groaned but nevertheless he got off the car, closed the door behind him, opened the other door, dragged Kazuya out by his arms and finally closed the car with a short click. He sighed and started to walk towards the stairs, seeming to be more tired than ever. “You know, you need a babysitter.” Jin said on a whim, not standing the silence between them.
“And you need a psychiatrist.” Kazuya replied lazily, letting himself be dragged, though his arm began to hurt again.
“I need a lot more than that.” Jin laughed, half-aware of what Kazuya meant. “But I’m poor, I don’t have money for things like these.” He turned to look at the younger and pouted, puffing his cheeks. “You can be my psychiatrist. I’m sure it would be lots more fun.” He laughed again, stopping in front of his door and fetching the keys from his pocket to open it.
“No, thanks. I prefer not to deal with crack-nuts.” The younger said and pulled his hand, wanting to massage it a little since it was throbbing like hell. “I don’t want to go with you tonight, Jin.” He suddenly changed his tone, a deep and serious one.
Jin smiled sweetly but his eyes were throwing daggers at the younger. “Sorry to disappoint you, but you can’t.” he said with an evil smirk and with a swift move, he grabbed Kazuya’s arm again and pushed him in, Jin following him and locking the door behind him. “Sit down.” He then ordered, his voice cold and totally different from what he had used until now near Kazuya.
“I’m not a dog.” Kazuya replied, feeling angry. “And I will not sit and you can’t make me.” He added crossing his arms and looking defiantly. If Jin thought he could be scared that easily, he was wrong. After what he had seen the last weeks, he could swear he has seen it all. What could Jin do to him? Kill him? Well, be his guest! Kazuya will even thank him for doing such a favor. He was not afraid of death, no, he had never been.
“Suit yourself, I don’t care where you sit.” Jin coolly replied. He turned his back on him, heading to the living room and sitting on the couch. He looked up at Kazuya, his eyes traveling over the younger’s body a few times until finally resting on Kazuya’s own. “What were you doing there? Why did you go to hit on other men when you knew that I prohibited you?” Jin asked, his voice calm but also very distant.
“For fun, I guess.” The younger replied, massaging his finally released arm. “I didn’t want to come to you, I guess this too.” He added, looking thoughtful for a second. “And I barely hit on him before he came to me.” Kazuya said shrugging. He didn’t mention that the man was his usual drug dealer.
“For fun.” Jin snorted annoyed. “Well then, can I have some fun too?” he asked, standing up straight and tilting his head a little. “Let’s say… which one…” he pretended to think a couple of seconds. “Oh, I know! How about Ueda?” he said with a goofy smile, his eyes sparkling like he was fully enjoying his idea. “I’m sure he’d love to see me again and I see that you won’t miss him that much too…” he trailed his words, almost like he was disappointed in Kazuya’s lack of interest in his own friends.
“Don’t you dare!” Kazuya said on a slightly shaking voice. “They have nothing to do with this!” he added, a twinge of despair in his voice. “I’m the one whom you should punish, not them.”
Jin sighed, looking honestly tired. “You know the deal, Kazuya.” He said, as if he was talking with a four-years old. “You accepted this in exchange for your friends’ safety. I promised to not touch them as long as you obey me.” He stopped his speech, staring into Kazuya’s eyes. He smiled. “But what should I do if you didn’t keep your word?” he asked with a teasing voice, truly amused and content by the situation. “Tell me.” He demanded with a flirting hint in his tone.
Kazuya hated Jin with all his guts. “Would you listen? A murderer like you will listen?!” he spat the words, letting his emotions taking control over his body. “I’ve seen how you do things. You kill without remorse. I tried to forget the bloody you, I tried to convince myself that you… you - ” Kazuya stopped midway, not wanting to tell what he really feels. He looked at Jin and in his eyes there was disgust, fear and hate. “That man didn’t touch me. Neither did I. I didn’t disobey you.” But what was the worst in his eyes was - plea.
Oh. So that was it. That was the real reason why Kazuya hadn’t come to Jin when he needed drugs and went yet again to a club and to get laid with strangers for money. He had to admit that he hadn’t thought not even a moment that this could be a problem for them. He had quickly discarded the thought that Kazuya had seen two people killed mercilessly in front of him when Jin woke up the next morning and saw him standing next to him, caring him and being there for him. He had thought that this experience had made them closer, especially now that he had discovered how crazy he was about the younger. He believed that Kazuya wanted to be with him, without threats, without hostages, just because he wanted Jin. That’s why he had stayed the whole night with him when Jin had been hurt. That’s why he refused to leave more than for classes and always came back quickly, to not leave Jin alone too long. He had been wrong all along?
He should have known. But he was so used to scenes like this that he didn’t even think that someone could be traumatized by a murder. He had been too careless. That’s why Kazuya wanted now to run away from him, Jin thought with a sad expression as the younger’s words engraved themselves in his mind. But as soon as Kazuya changed the subject and started talking yet again about that man… Jin’s fury was back too. No matter what the reason was, no one was supposed to touch Kazuya!!
“And why should I care?” he finally said after a long silence in which he had observed Kazuya from head to toes, his expression blank and his eyes distant. “You yourself said that I’m a selfish bastard. That I don’t listen and do whatever I want. That I don’t care about anyone. I’m just a jerk that takes advantage of others.” He continued, staring at Kazuya with cold eyes. “Why should I listen to you?” Jin asked, raising his tone a little and signaling that he was starting to get annoyed once again.
Kazuya closed his eyes and took a deep breath. If he were to say anything, his feelings might surface again, so it was better not to give in and… heck, he didn’t know what to say or do anymore. Jin cornered him and he had to find a way to escape.
“Don’t.” he said, opening his eyes again. “Don’t listen to me, don’t take me into consideration. And I’ll do the same.” He continued, the disdain seeping through his words. “You think you’re the only cruel bastard here? You think I can’t discard my friends without looking back?” he laughed, a hollow in his chest. “That’s the only thing you can take away from me. A thing which I can easily let it go and disappear from your life.” His face turned into an expressionless mask. “Tell me… if I go away, what will you do then? I assure you can’t ever find me again, cause you wouldn’t be the first one I’m running from.” There was a smile on his beautiful face, but one that didn’t make him beautiful anymore, instead it was one that made him look uglier, insane, made him look different.
If Jin could corner him like this, then Kazuya would give up on his life and flee.
“Baby, I’m among the most harmless guys you’ll ever find.” Jin laughed at his naivety, thinking about some certain people that he had had the pleasure to meet. “I don’t give a damn about who are you running from, but listen to me and listen good.” He said, approaching Kazuya with slow steps, as a lion gets closer to his prey. “You can’t leave me.” He threatened with a smile, stopping in front of Kazuya. “If you try, I’ll be the first one to know and believe me that you won’t have the chance to leave the city. And even if you manage to do so, even if I won’t ever find you, let me tell you what I’ll do.” He hissed, taking one more step and forcing Kazuya to back away. “I’ll cut your friends’ head and I’ll send them wrapped with a ribbon to their families.” He smiled innocently, making a cute pout. Another step and he had Kazuya trapped between his body and the wall. “I’ll hunt their families until I make them beg for mercy, if you say that you won’t ever do it.” He continued, seeming excited by this idea, his eyes sparkling and his hands itching for something to do. “How does that sound?” Jin asked cheerfully, as if he had just proposed a party.
Because if Jin did know one thing about Kazuya, it was that he cared. Kazuya cared too much about other people, especially his friends. That’s why he had accepted the deal in the first place and hadn’t complained about all the things that he went through - even though Jin didn’t think he had been that hard with him. That’s why Kazuya had stayed with him so many days, taking care of his injured body and ignoring everything else. That’s why he had been so shocked when those two had died in front of him. Now that he thought of it, Kazuya had been scared. He had screamed. He had been terrified by death.
It just made the game more interesting for Jin.
“It sounds scary. So scary.” He spit the words with a sarcastic smile. His eyes were gleaming and he was slowly losing his composed self. “You can do whatever you want. You taught me this way.” He added making an innocent face. “Cut, kill, haunt them if you want. But even if you do so, you’ll never have me again.” He patted Jin’s face as in pity.
And Jin smiled. He leaned over Kazuya, his face hovering over the younger’s, their lips almost touching. And he smiled again. “Then… I think I should go and do whatever I want.” He teased, separating himself from Kazuya and turning his back on him, already walking to the door.
“Be my guest.” The younger shouted, laughing madly. “And don’t expect to find me here when you come back!” he then added and went past Jin, heading for the door, only that Jin grabbed him on his arm and very calmly, he pulled him back.
“Or not.” He said, seeming to be thinking at something. “You won’t leave this house until… well, until I’m sick of you.” He smirked, releasing Kazuya and taking a step backwards.
“Well, I AM sick of you.” Kazuya retorted and shrugged a little. He turned his back and headed once more for the door. When he reached the exit and turned the handle, the door didn’t open. He shook it once, twice and at the third try he kicked the door, swearing out loud. Cursing and hitting the door again, he returned to the living room and stretched his hand. “Give me the key.” He said, his eyes sparkling with fury.
“I don’t have it anymore.”Jin shrugged, turning to sit back on the couch.
Kazuya arched an eyebrow and looked distrustful. “Don’t tell me, you swallowed it.” He replied sarcastically.
“No. I just threw it out.” The older answered with an arrogant voice, pointing to the opened window.
Kazuya laughed and ravished his hair. “You take me for stupid, don’t you?” he peered at Jin through his fingers and locks. In one second, Kazuya was on top of Jin and his hands around Jin’s neck, pressing enough to threaten one’s life. “Either you give it to me or I fucking swear I’ll fucking kill you.” He hissed, narrowing his eyes and tightening his grip.
Oh, so now the kid had some guts, Jin smirked in his mind, seeing as he couldn’t do it live because of Kazuya’s hands. It was a nice change, he thought, and strangely, it made everything more interesting. He should have been annoyed, he would have been normally, but… Kazuya was just too much entertaining.
“Then jump off sixth floor to get it.” Jin continued with the same passive voice, even if it was a bit muffled. “I would hate to see that happening but if you want the key that much…” he trailed, breathing a little harder but still remaining calm. Heck, he had been in this situation too many times to be now scared by a little confused and angry kid. In fact, he even might say that he’s having fun.
“I’d rather have you killed and after that throw you out the window and knock myself out, so that no one would know I killed you.” Kazuya smiled angelically and choked Jin a little more, enjoying the whizz that came out from Jin’s mouth. “Ain’t I smart?” he laughed, touching Jin’s forehead with his and this way looking exactly into his eyes. Just to show him that he was dead serious.
Jin tried to laugh too, but his voice got stuck in his throat. Forcing himself a bit, he smirked and tried to get up, pressing even more against Kazuya’s hands until he was close enough to peck him on the lips. His head fell back on the couch, breathing now even harder. He closed his eyes, trying to relax and to ignore the feeling of being strangulated, but it seemed to be more difficult now. “Sorry, but… no one’s coming.” He said, forcing the words out of his throat and grimacing at the pain this simple thing brought to him. “Not now, not ever.”
Although Kazuya had been surprised at the light kiss Jin offered to him, his fingers didn’t weaken their tight. “Yes, for you there won’t be a single person coming.” The younger tilted his head, his thumb pressing a bit on the Adam’s apple of Jin’s neck. “For me… well, that’s a different story. But we can avoid all this if you simply hand me the key…”
“I said I don’t have it anymore.” Jin repeated his words, now a little easier that he had grown accustomed with Kazuya’s hands on his neck. “But I must tell you that no one can come inside if I don’t want to.” He continued, making small pauses to regain a little bit of air which seemed to be slowly disappearing. “If you kill me,” Jin smiled teasingly, even if it seemed more like a grimace, “then you’ll remain here with me.” He tried to laugh, failing miserably. He was losing quickly his breath, he couldn’t continue this game any longer. “For eternity, baby.”
“I think the loss of air is starting to affect your brain.” Kazuya said, tutting. “First, if you keep taking me for a fool, then I’ll really kill you. Second…”
“Well, if you don’t want me to take you anymore for a fool…” Jin suddenly said, raising his hands and putting them on Kazuya’s own. He gripped hard, slowly detaching them from his neck, his eyes not leaving the younger’s that were now wide-opened. He inhaled and exhaled for a few moments to completely recover while his hands continued to push Kazuya away. With a swift move, he threw Kazuya off him, now the boy landing on the floor and Jin immediately following him, straddling Kazuya and grinning like a fool.
“Better now!” he exclaimed happily, like he hadn’t been threatened just a couple of seconds ago. “Don’t you also think, Kazuya?” he asked, leaning over him, his legs trapped between the older’s while Kazuya’s hands were pinned to the floor.
Kazuya moved, trying to throw off Jin, but he knew that it was kinda futile now. “You fucking bastard!” he hissed, looking disdainfully at Jin.
“You just have to ask if you want me to fuck you that much.” Jin replied innocently, totally ignoring the real meaning of Kazuya’s words.
“You know what I mean, don’t mess around with me!” Kazuya shouted, curling his palms into a fist, though no use. “And if I’d wanted you to fuck me, I wouldn’t have gone to another man.” He then added, a satisfied smile appearing on his lips seeing the change in Jin’s expression.
“Bad move.” Jin said with a dark voice, tightening his grip on Kazuya’s hands. “You know, after all this time, I would have thought you know what’s better for you.” He hissed, blinded by anger and hate. Without thinking, he claimed Kazuya’s lips, not caring about his struggling or his attempt of freeing himself or for his screams or curses. He just kissed the boy, bit his lips and tongue, ravished his mouth and stopped every word from coming out. He didn’t want to hear him anymore, he couldn’t see his body moving under him, trying to escape but failing. He didn’t want to think what would have happened if Kazuya had cheated on him. He felt mad only because of the mention of another man, he was sure he would have killed him if someone else had slept with his Kazuya. But this wasn’t the problem. The problem was that… he would kill Kazuya too if the younger dared to sleep with another man.
“I’ll fucking kill you, Kazuya, you and whoever comes close to you.” Jin said, lead by madness and jealousy and wanting to fuck Kazuya hard so that the younger will never forget whom he belongs to. “You’re only mine, I’m the only one who can touch you and I don’t care if you don’t want me to.” He continued, biting hard on his neck and leaving red and callous marks. He released Kazuya’s hands and ripped apart his shirt, his mouth continuing to suck on his skin, going down and deeper, marking every inch of Kazuya’s body as his own. “I won’t let you leave me, I won’t stand if you leave me alone…” he trailed his words, not really concentrated at talking but more at sucking and possessing Kazuya.
“Leave me alone!!” Kazuya cried out, now his released hands trying to push Jin away from him. “You’re killing me already the way you want to have me!!” he continued, not realizing that there were tears sliding down his cheeks as hate was spilling out from his mouth. “You said you love me, you said you want me to be by your side forever and this is how you show it to me?!” His body hurt, it ached with desire and humility. If Jin had claimed him in other way, he might have given in; he might have accepted and fully welcomed him. But this way… no. He couldn’t let himself be taken like this, he didn’t want to be with someone like this. “Don’t say you love someone if all you show to him is murder and rape.” He shouted again, hitting Jin on his chest. “Cause this is what you are… a murderer and a rapist.” He sobbed the last words, turning his head away, hiding the tears he came to realize he had been crying.
But he didn’t want to stop, Jin felt like he was possessed by something and he couldn’t stop his hands from touching Kazuya. Somehow, he had heard his words, he had felt his own heart clench and a different feeling was slowly engulfing him. He didn’t want to feel this way, he didn’t want to acknowledge that he’s hurt by Kazuya’s words. That would mean that… he’s starting to care too much for someone else. And he loved Kazuya, he really did, but… honestly, he didn’t know this feeling as well as he didn’t know pain either.
He didn’t know when he had stopped. He didn’t know how much time had passed with him standing over Kazuya, looking at him but not really seeing him. Jin blinked and everything seemed to come to normal. He looked at Kazuya, saw his tears and felt his own that wanted to come out. He felt guilty, he was guilty. But he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know how he should behave. He really wanted to be with Kazuya, this was the whole point of this situation, but… he had only managed to hurt the one he loved. How could he do such a thing? Why did he make Kazuya cry, why was he still threatening the younger when he knew that he would do anything to see him safe?
It was a mystery for him too, but… the only thing he knew was that he didn’t want to lose Kazuya. He wouldn’t stand to never see him again.
He lowered his head, trying to fight back his own tears. “Kazuya…” he whispered his name gently, tucking the younger’s hair under his ear and slowly bringing his head back to look at him. He sighed when Kazuya refused to follow his lead and Jin knew that he had done a terrible thing. “I’m sorry…” he said with the same voice, raising himself up and releasing Kazuya. He stopped in front of him, but he somehow felt that it still isn’t safe so he backed away a few more steps, until he got to the other side of the room. “I’m sorry, but I don’t’ know what to do, I don’t know how to act when I’m with you and I… I end up letting my emotions get the best out of me.” He confessed, his voice sounding shaggy and tired. “I just don’t want to lose you, Kazuya.” Jin added, gluing his body to the wall and letting himself fall on the floor. Slowly, painfully, exactly how he was feeling. “I don’t know how to love someone and…” he stopped, not knowing what he wanted to say anymore and what he expected to obtain.
Kazuya remained on the floor, no strength or whatsoever in his body - to move or to say something. He felt like when he was a child, he didn’t have any power to stop others from abusing him, he couldn’t stop his own mother from selling his body to strangers with weird fetishes. He had thought that after all these years, he had gotten strong, he had came to surpass whatever he would face, but meeting Jin… had been like a cold shower. Like a cruel destiny showing him that he hasn’t changed, that he was still the same powerless little boy from back then.
Pain crawled back into his soul, making him curl into a ball feeling vulnerable and easy to break. If Jin were to touch him again, he would crash. He would fall down to pieces and he wasn’t sure that there might be someone to help him get back together. He let his head fall into his chest while his arms held his knees even stronger as if he wanted to became smaller and smaller so that no one were to be able to find him.
“Give them to me.” It wasn’t his voice, he was sure of this, but the words came out from his own mouth. “If you love me, you’ll give them to me and… you’ll leave me alone.” He continued, aware of only his pain and simply wanting to forget it. He just wanted that wonderful bliss that the narcotics brought to him.
Jin looked up, watching Kazuya with attention before he sighed again. He crawled to where the younger was, slowly, as if he didn’t want him to be startled. He stopped near the couch, close to Kazuya but not close enough to make him feel suffocated, and continued to pierce him with his eyes. “Kazuya, please look at me.” He pleaded, desperation in his voice.
It was pathetic. Really! Moments ago, they were at each other’s neck, ready to kill each other or Kazuya’s friends and now… now, Jin was pleading for Kazuya while the younger just wanted drugs and to be alone. Were the two of them crazy or simply out of their minds, Kazuya couldn’t say which one was or …probably both.
He uncurled and turned to look at Jin. He had a straight face, his eyes were dark and dead and his mouth was a bit lopsided whether wanting to smile or to grimace. “I’m looking at you.” He simply said, his voice void of emotions.
The pain was still searing through his body, his need was still demanding; but this time he was in control. Why, he didn’t know.
Jin took a deep breath before he started to speak again. “Please believe me that I don’t want to hurt you.” He said, half of him still not daring to look Kazuya into the eyes, but the other half was still winning and taking the risk of confronting whatever he’ll see in his brown orbs. “I just can’t control myself when I’m around you.” He added, ruffling his hair nervously. “I…” he stopped and gulped. He moved a little and came closer to Kazuya, but still approaching him with care and attention. “I know I don’t have the right to ask you something like this, but… please give me a chance. Please let me show you that I really meant it when I said that I love you. I’ll do whatever you want, anything you ask me to do.” He continued, starting to feel a little scared. He never did something like this, he didn’t know what he really wanted at this point. But he was willing to do anything if that meant he won’t lose Kazuya.
“Just please don’t hate me. Don’t leave me.”
Listening and no believing; hearing and not trusting. Kazuya didn’t show anything and he didn’t say anything. If Jin didn’t want to lose him, if he wanted Kazuya to not leave or hate him, then there was a simple way. He closed the distance between them, three agonizing moves that brought Kazuya in front of Jin so close that he could touch his lips if he leaned a bit. He looked carefully at the older one, though his eyes showed no sign of recognition or whatsoever.
“Whatever I want?” the hoarse voice was his, but the mind was no longer. He touched Jin’s chest, spread his palm on the place that the other’s heart was beating. A soothing beating if not for the moment; now it seemed stormy. “All I want is freedom and you know you can’t give me this.” Kazuya began and his palm squeezed the shirt, the nails digging through the material as if wanting to sweep through the skin and clutch around the beating heart. “All I want is for you to stay away from my life but you can’t do this.” The squeezing palm turned into a fist that slowly rocketed against the chest. “All I want for you is to leave my friends alone but you need something to threaten me or I’ll leave.” Kazuya smiled and tilted his head to the left, now the fist relaxing and once again his palm spread over the beating place. “All I want you to do, all you say you’ll do if I ask you… it’s an impossible task for you.” He leaned forward and let his head fall onto Jin’s chest, now listening and not just feeling that heartbeat. “You can’t prove me your love, you can’t show it to me in no way. It’s just your words.” He closed his eyes and licked his lips. “Empty words. Empty love.” He raised his head and stared at Jin. “Just give what you can simply can - drugs. That’s the only thing you can offer me… the only thing you have and which can truly satisfy me.”
Kazuya didn’t mention that Jin could offer him sex too, because that would mean that sex was satisfying him too. A thing Kazuya wouldn’t admit even if it weren’t for Jin the one who was giving it.
Jin didn’t blink. He didn’t move and didn’t open his mouth to say anything. It hurt. It hurt to hear Kazuya saying such things because he knew that it’s all true. He had always known that what Kazuya wanted most is freedom and he was the one who had taken it from him. Even if he would stop to control his life and tried to act like a normal friend who maybe could become a lover, Jin knew that it won’t change a thing. Kazuya would always be scared that things will go back to what they were and Jin would need a long time to prove him wrong. He knew he won’t stand it. And he would become mad again the second he sees Kazuya with someone else, be it a man or a woman.
It was kind of funny, if he thought of it. He had always despised people that pretend to fall in love and act like a fool because of it and every time he remembered this fact, he would always laugh. He would have never thought he will become one of them. It sounded something so far from him but here he was, standing in front of Kazuya, not having the power to look away from him. But he couldn’t touch him. The whole time Kazuya had talked, he didn’t dare to raise his hands and touch him, being too afraid that he’ll make him back away.
And Jin realized that he was scared of himself. He would have raped Kazuya if the younger hadn’t stopped him. He would have done such a terrible thing, he would have destroyed Kazuya’s life and… he would have had to take the blame.
He wasn’t sure if this conclusion was better than the one that Kazuya had prevented.
He raised his hands, cursing himself when he saw them trembling. He could never hide his emotions at times like this. He could be cold and cruel with strangers when in fact he was crying inside, but he never could do it with people close to him. He never could lie to Yamapi or Ryo, for example. And now he couldn’t stop himself and smile or try to be assuring in front of Kazuya. He grabbed gently Kazuya’s shoulders and moved him a little so that Jin could stand on his own feet. He stopped after a few steps, still with his back turned on him.
“Then I’ll give it to you. You’ll never see me again.” He said with a slightly trembling voice even if he was trying to sound confident. He sighed and left the room for a few seconds, coming back immediately and throwing a bag on Kazuya’s lap. “This should be enough for two weeks. I’ll give you the number of a friend and I’ll tell him to give you more for free. Don’t worry, you won’t have any contact with me, I just don’t want you to hit clubs again and sleep with men you don’t want to.” Jin continued, seeming now more stable even if his eyes seemed dead.
The same as his heart.
Kazuya took the bag and looked distrustfully at Jin. “You know you’re lying right now?” he said with a scoff. “You can provide me with drugs, but you can’t keep yourself away from me. You can try, of course, but you’ll come back and you know it.” The younger continued, raising himself from the floor, just to be at the same level with Jin. “But I’ll let you lie to yourself for…” Kazuya seemed to think about something before answering. “…for a week. And that’s because I give your pride some credit.”
The younger got closer to Jin and showed him the bag. “Thanks for this.”
Jin just smiled or tried to before he turned once more his back on Kazuya. He headed this time to the table, grabbing a piece of paper and a pen and then writing down something. He faced Kazuya for the last time and handed him the paper with the name and number written on it. “It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe me. I swear I won’t get close to you ever again.” He felt the need to assure the younger again, perfectly knowing that no one can trust his words and that Kazuya won’t do it either. It really didn’t matter. Jin was going to prove him that he’ll keep his word. This time for sure.
“Sure thing.” Kazuya approved, though his face showed the opposite. “So… I guess the key jumped back to the sixth floor by now?” he then asked, half joking and half ironic.
Jin managed to laugh this time. He had completely forgotten about this tiny detail. He fetched his phone from his pocket and dialed a number. “Hey, I need a favor. Go to the garden and search for my key. Yeah, yeah, I know. Oh, just do it and stop asking questions.” He said annoyed, ending the conversation in the next second. “Done.” he grinned to Kazuya, like a fool… in love.
This time, the younger was shocked. Not only because Jin had told the truth, but also because he had almost murdered the guy for a fucking thrown key. “You are crazy.” Kazuya tried to laugh, though he really couldn’t, the realization making him feel stupid and… almost a murderer. “Why did you do that for, more exactly? No! Better not answer, I’m sure to get a headache.” He raised a hand to stop any possible answer and sighed a little. “How much will it take for the door to be opened?”
I did it because I didn’t want to lose you, Jin would have said, but he stopped himself in time and only smiled sheepishly, seeming embarrassed. “I don’t know.” Instead, he answered, shrugging a little. “Maybe a few minutes, it shouldn’t be that hard to find it.” He said, like he didn’t have any care in the world. Like nothing ever happened between the two of them. It was better this way, it was better to forget. “Do you want something? I want a cup of coffee.” Jin said while he exited the room and headed to the kitchen.
Seeing him as he left for the kitchen, Kazuya let himself lean on the wall, brushing his face and letting his emotions seep down into him. Being with Jin made him feel like he was in a carousel, made him realize that nothing was normal, that everything was messed up and he too was probably the same. He took a few deep breaths and fisted the bag before heading to the kitchen too. If Jin planned on acting like nothing ever happened, well, Kazuya was more of an expert at this part. He pushed the door open and stopped in its frame.
“I’d like a beer if you have.” He said, feeling weird and different.
“In the fridge.” Jin replied while he was filling a pot with water, swirling around the kitchen to turn on the stove and fetch the coffee from a drawer.
Kazuya went to the fridge and took out a beer. “If this is how you treat your guests, no wonder that no one comes here.” He retorted with a smirk.
“Well, I’m kind of used with only Pi and Ryo coming here and they help themselves as if they’re at their own home, so…” Jin shrugged, somehow feeling comfortable with this atmosphere. He seemed to be wanting to add something, but the bell of his front door stopped him. He smiled politely and left the kitchen, being confronted with another man in the hallway which handed him the key of his apartment. Jin took it without saying anything and turned to find Kazuya standing behind him. “The door is opened.” He simply stated as if it wasn’t obvious already.
The younger nodded. “So… I guess this is goodbye.” He said, grabbing the door knob and pushing it open. Before exiting, he added just two words: “For now.” And then he left.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” the man that came to bring his key asked, looking concerned.
Jin slowly and with great difficulty turned his head to look at the other one, his eyes still not wanting to leave the door that hid and kidnapped Kazuya from him.
“I have to do it, Yuu.” He simply said with a little shrug.
And his heart broke into a million of pieces.
*
Next part