How to Apologize

[aroraborealis]

We all fuck up sometimes. It sucks, and we hate it. But almost always, when we fuck up, we need to apologize for it. Frequently, there's more to do, as well, but even if there are other amends to make, the apology is a non-optional step. Here are some tips:

Say it's come to your attention that you fucked up. How do you handle it?

Comments

[lillibet]

This is beautiful. Mind if I link to it?

[aroraborealis]

Feel free!

[dbang]

"Step 3: Apologize, full stop."

Two common failures on this one are:

1. "I'm sorry BUT..." (as in "I'm sorry BUT here's why what I did wasn't so bad" or "I'm sorry BUT I think you are overreacting")

2. "I'm sorry IF..." (as in "I'm sorry if I hurt you").

That second one is particularly pernicious because it means that the apologizer is not actually taking responsibility for his or her actions. It defeats the purpose of step 2 by failing to acknowledge that one has, in fact, done something worth apologizing for.

[hammercock]

That second one is particularly pernicious because it means that the apologizer is not actually taking responsibility for his or her actions. It defeats the purpose of step 2 by failing to acknowledge that one has, in fact, done something worth apologizing for.

Not only that, it blames the wronged person for having the temerity to feel wronged.

[catya]

nicely written!

[vito_excalibur]

norah also had a great post on this subject.

I particularly like the "be defensive somewhere else" step you added, I think it's vital in some cases!

[dbang]

Here's another tip. Any use of the phrase "...I'm sorry [that] you..." is not an apology.

[veek]

"I'm sorry that you had to cover for me when I snuck out of work early. That wasn't a fair position to put you in."

[dbang]

Heh. Okay. Any apology containing the phrase "...I'm sorry [that] you..." is automatically suspect and should only be offered after carefully asking yourself "is this really an apology"?

[sol3]

Maybe someone should forward this post to Bart Police HQ.