Comments | aroraborealis: How to Apologize

aroraborealis

How to Apologize

Jan 08, 2009 12:22

We all fuck up sometimes. It sucks, and we hate it. But almost always, when we fuck up, we need to apologize for it. Frequently, there's more to do, as well, but even if there are other amends to make, the apology is a non-optional step. Here are some tips:

Say it's come to your attention that you fucked up. How do you handle it?

( How to apologize, in 6 steps. )

unwanted advice, manners, social, people can be so dumb, people

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lillibet January 8 2009, 18:15:41 UTC

This is beautiful. Mind if I link to it?

aroraborealis January 8 2009, 18:16:43 UTC

Feel free!

dbang January 8 2009, 18:26:00 UTC

"Step 3: Apologize, full stop."

Two common failures on this one are:

1. "I'm sorry BUT..." (as in "I'm sorry BUT here's why what I did wasn't so bad" or "I'm sorry BUT I think you are overreacting")

2. "I'm sorry IF..." (as in "I'm sorry if I hurt you").

That second one is particularly pernicious because it means that the apologizer is not actually taking responsibility for his or her actions. It defeats the purpose of step 2 by failing to acknowledge that one has, in fact, done something worth apologizing for.

hammercock January 8 2009, 20:25:20 UTC

That second one is particularly pernicious because it means that the apologizer is not actually taking responsibility for his or her actions. It defeats the purpose of step 2 by failing to acknowledge that one has, in fact, done something worth apologizing for.

Not only that, it blames the wronged person for having the temerity to feel wronged.

dbang January 8 2009, 20:40:23 UTC

Ah. I hadn't actually looked at it that way.

intuition_ist February 4 2010, 05:06:38 UTC

i agree with #1. #2 is a little less clear (to me, anyway), since that's a common idiom that someone might use if they're trying to apologize for real.

from my experience, what matters is that the person apologizing is sincere, even if their grasp of the english language is less than stellar.

dbang February 4 2010, 12:49:47 UTC

the person reading this advice has the advantage to now understand that "if" makes their apology less effective. And this is an advice post. So there you go.

dpolicar February 4 2010, 13:20:37 UTC

To my mind, "I'm sorry if..." unpacks as "I don't actually think I did anything wrong, or at least I'm not sure I did, but I would like to be understood as apologizing anyway."

I agree with you that sometimes that can be a real apology. "I know we were really loud last night; I'm sorry if we kept you awake" is one thing; "I'm sorry if you were annoyed by my music" is not so much.

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