People Change
Today I found out some stuff about someone who I used to be really close with. I was shocked when I heard about it this afternoon and im still shocked now, almost 12 hours later.
They were my best friend. I knew them and they knew me better than anyone ever had. I owe them some of my fondest memories and they still have a part of my heart, and always will. but things happened. distance got in the way. trust became an issue. and I felt as though I need to grow into my own person and find out who I was without them in my life. They wouldn’t let go. They didn’t want to not have me in their life. So because of this I felt trapped, like I was a prisoner to them and this made me start to hate them. I pushed and pushed and pushed until they were out of my life. I couldn’t talk to them or see them just because I couldn’t. After a few months of not talking, I finally started to grow up. Senior year, graduation, senior week, and college happened. I was my own person. Slowly I was able to talk to my friend again, but what they were telling me, I found out today, was all lies.
They made me think that their life was going good. I thought they had a good job, I thought they were making smart choices; I thought they had really gotten their life together and finally knew what they wanted out of life. I was wrong. There’s no job. But there are drugs and gambling and a lot of mess.
I guess the reason this makes me so upset is because I feel like it’s partially my fault. I feel like because of me being selfish I abandoned my friend when they needed me. Maybe they didn’t need me at that point in their life but they needed me when I was off trying to figure out my own life and didn’t really care about what was going on in theirs. I feel like if I would have stayed with them maybe things would be different now and they would still be on the right path, instead of heading down a dead end street where only bad things will happen.
The thing that really gets me is that before today, before I found all of this stuff out, I really did miss them. I missed hanging out with them and their friends. I missed being around someone that knew what I was going to say or do before I had a chance to do it. Before today I was starting to think I was ready to see them again, but now I don’t think I can. Why get involved or caught up in that mess? I want to help but I don’t know how. All I can do is tell them to stop and look at what they are doing to themselves. But will they even listen to me anymore? I don’t know. Im lost and confused. But I think most of all im crushed. I feel like a horrible, selfish person and I don’t think I’ll be able to ever forgive myself.
They were my best friend. I knew them and they knew me better than anyone ever had. I owe them some of my fondest memories and they still have a part of my heart, and always will. but things happened. distance got in the way. trust became an issue. and I felt as though I need to grow into my own person and find out who I was without them in my life. They wouldn’t let go. They didn’t want to not have me in their life. So because of this I felt trapped, like I was a prisoner to them and this made me start to hate them. I pushed and pushed and pushed until they were out of my life. I couldn’t talk to them or see them just because I couldn’t. After a few months of not talking, I finally started to grow up. Senior year, graduation, senior week, and college happened. I was my own person. Slowly I was able to talk to my friend again, but what they were telling me, I found out today, was all lies.
They made me think that their life was going good. I thought they had a good job, I thought they were making smart choices; I thought they had really gotten their life together and finally knew what they wanted out of life. I was wrong. There’s no job. But there are drugs and gambling and a lot of mess.
I guess the reason this makes me so upset is because I feel like it’s partially my fault. I feel like because of me being selfish I abandoned my friend when they needed me. Maybe they didn’t need me at that point in their life but they needed me when I was off trying to figure out my own life and didn’t really care about what was going on in theirs. I feel like if I would have stayed with them maybe things would be different now and they would still be on the right path, instead of heading down a dead end street where only bad things will happen.
The thing that really gets me is that before today, before I found all of this stuff out, I really did miss them. I missed hanging out with them and their friends. I missed being around someone that knew what I was going to say or do before I had a chance to do it. Before today I was starting to think I was ready to see them again, but now I don’t think I can. Why get involved or caught up in that mess? I want to help but I don’t know how. All I can do is tell them to stop and look at what they are doing to themselves. But will they even listen to me anymore? I don’t know. Im lost and confused. But I think most of all im crushed. I feel like a horrible, selfish person and I don’t think I’ll be able to ever forgive myself.