The sun has set; all darkens
I was reading the paper this morning while eating breakfast, I couldn't help but begin to wonder. Could part of my recent stress be less of an impending break-down from everything but more of a cognoscente of my moral failure? By this I mean: I have just been passive.
Never before in my life (ever, unquestionably) have I slept as much as I have. The song by Dirty Vegas seems to almost echo my life at this point, "Days go by and still I feel the same.". Why? When something needed to be done, I got it done. While I feel as if I'm trying, I don't feel like I'm trying my hardest. It feels as if I hold myself back because I'm tired of the same response from people. Quite often it feels as if they don't want me, just my blood. It often seems as if they just want the essence that drives me while those that do care, I get caught up and abandon them (even for a simple night to just play cards). It feels almost that after incurring an over-whelming feeling of abandonment... That I just quit.
I quit? Wait... What? I didn't quit caring recently. This started back in December. I felt so abandoned that I shut my eyes and ears to the world. I no longer cared so much about my diet. I didn't care about hanging out or making appointments. I no longer took the same pleasure in driving the express way at high speeds. I no longer cared so much about what others thought of me and definitely not about what they thought of themselves. I was becoming cold while my heart was working over-time to reverse this ridiculous process. I had felt so left out that I felt the only thing my skin was useful to be anymore was a blanket to keep me together.
What is it? What are these fleeting motions that shriek around inside of me? What purpose do they serve? How do I trust in myself anymore to reach out and grab the one I need to hold onto? From that point, how do I wrap myself in that and become what I want to be? And not what I'm fighting desperately to avoid as the vision of my world goes dark? With each word I write and then type onto here, it brings me one step closer as I see it written in front of me. Even if others see it or neglect to care, I will dig my feet into the ground with each movement.
I know myself, what I've done, that which I must accept, and for the most part... What I must do.
Whether alone or with the help of those I trust, I will continue to strive. If I may falter then I will find a way up. If I am wrong, then I will correct myself. But I shall know no fear.
Never before in my life (ever, unquestionably) have I slept as much as I have. The song by Dirty Vegas seems to almost echo my life at this point, "Days go by and still I feel the same.". Why? When something needed to be done, I got it done. While I feel as if I'm trying, I don't feel like I'm trying my hardest. It feels as if I hold myself back because I'm tired of the same response from people. Quite often it feels as if they don't want me, just my blood. It often seems as if they just want the essence that drives me while those that do care, I get caught up and abandon them (even for a simple night to just play cards). It feels almost that after incurring an over-whelming feeling of abandonment... That I just quit.
I quit? Wait... What? I didn't quit caring recently. This started back in December. I felt so abandoned that I shut my eyes and ears to the world. I no longer cared so much about my diet. I didn't care about hanging out or making appointments. I no longer took the same pleasure in driving the express way at high speeds. I no longer cared so much about what others thought of me and definitely not about what they thought of themselves. I was becoming cold while my heart was working over-time to reverse this ridiculous process. I had felt so left out that I felt the only thing my skin was useful to be anymore was a blanket to keep me together.
What is it? What are these fleeting motions that shriek around inside of me? What purpose do they serve? How do I trust in myself anymore to reach out and grab the one I need to hold onto? From that point, how do I wrap myself in that and become what I want to be? And not what I'm fighting desperately to avoid as the vision of my world goes dark? With each word I write and then type onto here, it brings me one step closer as I see it written in front of me. Even if others see it or neglect to care, I will dig my feet into the ground with each movement.
I know myself, what I've done, that which I must accept, and for the most part... What I must do.
Whether alone or with the help of those I trust, I will continue to strive. If I may falter then I will find a way up. If I am wrong, then I will correct myself. But I shall know no fear.