Where did he go?

[armoire_man]

Staring at my father's motionless body on Monday morning, I kept wondering "Where did he go?" I mean, hey - I'm an atheist science geek who watches CSI, but still. The thought of reincarnation was delightfully creepy right then. The idea of an afterlife other than that just didn't click

Comments

[minnesattva]

Hi; I caught one of your entries earlier this week and wanted to say that what you're writing now sounds a lot like me six months ago; I had almost these exact thoughts (I did not describe myself as an atheist geek who watches CSI, but that's only because I didn't think of it, not because I couldn't) six months ago after my brother was in a fatal car accident. I looked at the body and immediately thought That's not him. I don't know where he is [okay, maybe I'm too confused to be an atheist] but not here.

[armoire_man]

There is no preparation for accidental death, so please accept my sympathy about your loss of your brother.

Carl Jung is a solace right now. Having been raised an atheist, it's nice to have someone tell me that religious symbols tug at our hearts because our hearts need these things, so just let it be. I can't let myself believe in religion, but I certainly do believe in my need for such stuff, so there we are.

[minnesattva]

Sometimes I'm grateful that accidents leave no time to prepare; I don't know what I could've done differently anyway (the last tiem I talked to him was a week before, to ask if he wanted to be an usher in my wedding). Thanks; I don't talk about him much, but it's nice to hear that there are people who still want to console me. And I, similarly, offer you my sympathies as you face the crazy world of the aftermath.

My atheism is strictly freelance (and, as I said, sometimes confused); my family are all rural Minnesotans, the sort who go to church on Sunday and don't say anything about it the rest of the week, until something bad happens. There was a lot of "when it's your time to go, you go" type things, which don't impress me at all, but if they work for my mom or my grandma, I'm not going to argue. Still, I'm on your side: I need something, but religion ain't it.

[cardigirl]

I can't let myself believe in religion, but I certainly do believe in my need for such stuff, so there we are.I couldn't quite say it better, although I think I'd be simply "I can't believe in religion" instead of "let myself." I did the "let myself" for many many years until I realized what I was pushing away didn't actually exist for me

[armoire_man]

Thank you - it's good to talk to people this thoughtfully, at this distance. The 'family crush' was difficult, but on the other hand I got to talk to my brother for hours about life with and without our father, which was immensely comforting and reassuring for both of us.

My codependency is always a signal that I'm overwhelmed. When I started resenting taking care of all the people who showed up to offer condolences and sympathy, I knew it was time to slip off and hide.

I felt the sense of Something There and then Something Not There very viscerally

Ooooooh yeah! Sleeping or unconscious people look very still, but death looks a mile stiller, and it's a shock when you see it the first time. I saw my first dead body back when I was about eighteen, and it was amazing.