ummm, yeah . . .
Since it's going to take the entire summer to write down everything about this past year, I may as well carry on with current events. Here's the basic rundown:
About a month ago Destiny married Mike in the Watch Hill Chapel. It was very elegant and nice. She surprised everyone and delighted Janis by gettting baptized at the alter before she was married.
Everyone was saying, "Oh, it was the perfect wedding," but I didn't think so. Very unique and beautiful, but not perfect. I still like all the bravado and everything.
Anyways, nice reception. The parts I liked most about the day was seeing Will crying before he went up and read his poem during the ceremony; seeing how Mike looked at Destiny at the alter; and seeing Mike get choked up when his father gave a speech at the reception. I myself got kind of choked up during the ceremony thinking about the gravity of the love between two people who want to get married. Mike is a very nice kid.
The following weekend Emily visited for a few days. Came up saturday afternoon, good thing my parents weren't there which made it pretty much totally comfortable instead of very awkward. We layed in bed for several hours then went with Wildman and Hassan to Taco Bell around 11:00 or something. Kind of strange and spontaneous but they were funny as shit so it was cool. Afterwards we went to sleep.
Sunday slept in, went and got Dylan graduation presents then drove down to Avondale. Had a preliminary graduation gift-giving and dinner with members of the fam. Emily became uncomfortable as the night went on because she didn't know my family and I wasn't paying her my full attention.
She seemed down afterwards so we drove out to East Beach and walked out on the beach and sat down and talked for a while. We talked about things we think about, things we notice, what our goals are, our outlooks on life. Pretty cool. What it basically came down to was that I kind of feel the moment and the surroundings and nature a little more and care more about what it is that I see and feel and what makes me happy whereas she's always thinking deeply about stuff, mind going a million miles a second, analyzing things and trying to come to conclusions. I'm pretty sure I got that right, I knew that stuff anyways though of course.
Several times I asked her what she wanted to do, sit, walk, go home, stay and she mostly said she didn't care and she was down for whatever, and I got slightly annoyed because I knew that obviously she did care at least one way or the other and so I began talking about how people don't express what they really feel and sometimes I'm afraid to say what I think becuase I don't want to look stupid or be wrong but that I'm overcoming that and starting to realize that even if someone else's opinion seems better or more intelligent, it's ok and that you can learn from that instead of being embarassed by it. I told her that she should tell me what she feels instead of doing what she thinks I want because I feel too many people do that and it's not helpful. I thought this would open her up and make her feel better because I was telling her I wanted to hear what she really thought and felt then she dropped this bomb: "Do you ever feel like you're invisible?" So we discussed how one might feel invisible and how. She said she sometimes feels invisible around me. That kind of annoyed me because we'd spent the past 30 minutes talking and openning ourselves up to each other. At least I think she was, I was.
So we drove around Watch Hill a while and didn't talk much. She was visibly upset.
The next morning we woke up early so that we could see Dylan and Dad walk in the graduation prosession at 8:00 in providence. I had told Emily I would wake her up but she came in and woke me up because she was afraid I wouldn't wake her up and would leave her there. I had told her the night before she didn't have to go so early because it would be raining and miserable so even though she said she would go I guess she assumed I would still leave her there.
Went to graduation, it was miserable. Stood in the rain for a while then there was going to be some speech that it seemed like only Grandma (who was visiting at the time) wanted to see and she was so adimate about seeing it she wanted to sit out in the rain for and hour and a half to wait. I was like to Mom, "Listen, it's gonna suck, you won't be able to see because of the umbrellas, it's in an hour and a half, I don't care, we're not going to this thing." So Adrian went to read in his car and Emily and I went to the Providence Place and walked around.
There we sat down at a bench for a while and chatted. She wasn't all too thrilled with the situation so I was trying to yield to her for a while. We got back to where Dylan was recieving his diplomma and the guy who was running the show started it early and Emily and I were the only ones there when Dylan's name was read. It was terrible judgement on the guy's part but the fam showed up eventually and the guy reread the names of the people who had been missed and it was alright. when all the names had been read and the show was over, there was about five seconds of awkward silence before one kid timidly flung his or her cap into the air. Then a bunch of others did too bust many without any conviction. Brown students.
Went to some receptions, tried to get Adrian to drive Emily and me back to her car but the traffic was bad and he nearly had an ulcer so we walked most of the way. Got back to Avondale, I told Emily I was going to take a nap, was going to sleep on my own, then felt like I'd rather sleep with her and I didn't really care if my parents came home and found out so I did and she seemed happy about that.
Dinner that night was nice. The Vancans were there and Emily seemed more relaxed, in part due to the more jovial atmosphere imparted by the Vancans. Lauren was pretty happy-drunk and made for good entertainment. I kind of decided that Emily was going to be upset regardless if she didn't think I was giving her most of my attention since she was the outsider of these events so I'd look at her and smile regularly to let her know I knew she was there.
A touching moment happened towards the end of dinner when Dylan stood and thanked everyone for coming and supporting him. He thanked me specifically for keeping him grounded as well as I could and last got choked up when thanking Grampie for all his help and for being his hero. I got kind of choked up myself.
That night we watched Time Machine (bad movie. Seemed to be trying to make some big point but really didn't make any sense. This isn't me being too stupid to get it, it honestly made no sense.) Afterwards, she and I got some blankets and went to the beach to lie down for a while. It was kind of chilly but nice. We didn't talk much, just laid there and fell asleep for a while before going back to Avondale. It was really nice.
Next morning we drove Grandma up to Newton so she could have lunch with Aunt Conney. I left the music off for Grandma's sake which turned out to be hell for Emily she told me later since she has a tough time sitting in silence. I continued with the eye contact thing so she'd be relaxed. Went back to Marion from there. Ate and watched Dead Poet's Society. We were lying down together most of the time but at one point she just sat up for a while and I said to myself, "Alright, what did I do now?" I didn't know what her deal was but I eventually realized that, just like most other things with her, it came down to a lack commitment. In this case because sometimes I was more comfortable holding her or not or lying a different way or trying to watch the movie. Because she's insecure and overthinks things I guess she felt like I once again wasn't paying her my full attention and this was a bad thing.
Afterwards we lay there and had the chat I knew was coming from the moment she told me she'd be coming up to visit: the "Where are we now and where should we go" chat. It actually turned out alright. All along I had been planning out what I would say, basically that I liked her and enjoyed being with her and that she's very important to me but since we have to spend the summer apart we can't date each other and that we would see where things stand when school resumes. This was the absolute truth but I didn't want her to think that I was just trying to blow her off or something by saying I didn't want to date her. My plans all along have been to go into school in August single and at this point I don't want to start dating her right when school starts because I don't know how I will feel or she will feel after three months apart and it would be no fair to either of us to have some sort of commitment hanging there all summer and when we go back. I hoped I had articulated this to her properly and she seemed pleased with it so that was good. I think the main point I made is that she is important to me, I do care about her and I do want her to be in my life when we go back to school and that this wasn't just a short hook-up and that we would part ways from here. She told me that she didn't really care whether it really cared about her or whether I just wanted to hook up, as long as she knew which one, but I didn't buy that and I told her I didn't think that was true and I think she agreed with me.
That night I stayed in my room with her and she left the following (Wednesday) morning. It was a little sad to see her leave because I like being with her but it was good because it allowed me to relax. The more I spent time with her from the time i met her, in March I think, I became less relaxed with her. Not to say I liked her less, on the contrary, as time went on I became closer to her, felt like I could open up to her more and and enjoyed being with her, but I just think that her stress rubbed off on me in the same way my easiness rubbed off on her. Kind of like thermodynamics in physics where two bodies in contact adjust heat transfer until they are the same temperature. Oh no, a physics joke. The whole relationship/quasi-togetherness became increasingly hard on me because I was always so relaxed about interacting with her, like when I was with her I wouldn't always pay attention to her and I'd serve my own best interest first because I didn't feel like it was my obligation to give myself to her like that and I think she got the wrong impression about that sometimes and felt I didn't care or whatever and it would show. That's one of the reason's I don't want to be dating her when school starts again because I truly feel like we're much better for each other as friends than in a romantic relationship. I love talking to her and she has so much awesome stuff going on upstairs but I don't think we mesh very well romantically. It was a crush that developed into a very good, mutually beneficial relationship that I would like to continue on the platonic level but I felt that it was always lacking the passion necessary for a serious relationship. I know I could never really date someone with whom I lacked that burning passion and I don't think that either of us had it which is ok. Some very good things came out of what we started and it's ok that a romantic relationship was not one of them.
About a month ago Destiny married Mike in the Watch Hill Chapel. It was very elegant and nice. She surprised everyone and delighted Janis by gettting baptized at the alter before she was married.
Everyone was saying, "Oh, it was the perfect wedding," but I didn't think so. Very unique and beautiful, but not perfect. I still like all the bravado and everything.
Anyways, nice reception. The parts I liked most about the day was seeing Will crying before he went up and read his poem during the ceremony; seeing how Mike looked at Destiny at the alter; and seeing Mike get choked up when his father gave a speech at the reception. I myself got kind of choked up during the ceremony thinking about the gravity of the love between two people who want to get married. Mike is a very nice kid.
The following weekend Emily visited for a few days. Came up saturday afternoon, good thing my parents weren't there which made it pretty much totally comfortable instead of very awkward. We layed in bed for several hours then went with Wildman and Hassan to Taco Bell around 11:00 or something. Kind of strange and spontaneous but they were funny as shit so it was cool. Afterwards we went to sleep.
Sunday slept in, went and got Dylan graduation presents then drove down to Avondale. Had a preliminary graduation gift-giving and dinner with members of the fam. Emily became uncomfortable as the night went on because she didn't know my family and I wasn't paying her my full attention.
She seemed down afterwards so we drove out to East Beach and walked out on the beach and sat down and talked for a while. We talked about things we think about, things we notice, what our goals are, our outlooks on life. Pretty cool. What it basically came down to was that I kind of feel the moment and the surroundings and nature a little more and care more about what it is that I see and feel and what makes me happy whereas she's always thinking deeply about stuff, mind going a million miles a second, analyzing things and trying to come to conclusions. I'm pretty sure I got that right, I knew that stuff anyways though of course.
Several times I asked her what she wanted to do, sit, walk, go home, stay and she mostly said she didn't care and she was down for whatever, and I got slightly annoyed because I knew that obviously she did care at least one way or the other and so I began talking about how people don't express what they really feel and sometimes I'm afraid to say what I think becuase I don't want to look stupid or be wrong but that I'm overcoming that and starting to realize that even if someone else's opinion seems better or more intelligent, it's ok and that you can learn from that instead of being embarassed by it. I told her that she should tell me what she feels instead of doing what she thinks I want because I feel too many people do that and it's not helpful. I thought this would open her up and make her feel better because I was telling her I wanted to hear what she really thought and felt then she dropped this bomb: "Do you ever feel like you're invisible?" So we discussed how one might feel invisible and how. She said she sometimes feels invisible around me. That kind of annoyed me because we'd spent the past 30 minutes talking and openning ourselves up to each other. At least I think she was, I was.
So we drove around Watch Hill a while and didn't talk much. She was visibly upset.
The next morning we woke up early so that we could see Dylan and Dad walk in the graduation prosession at 8:00 in providence. I had told Emily I would wake her up but she came in and woke me up because she was afraid I wouldn't wake her up and would leave her there. I had told her the night before she didn't have to go so early because it would be raining and miserable so even though she said she would go I guess she assumed I would still leave her there.
Went to graduation, it was miserable. Stood in the rain for a while then there was going to be some speech that it seemed like only Grandma (who was visiting at the time) wanted to see and she was so adimate about seeing it she wanted to sit out in the rain for and hour and a half to wait. I was like to Mom, "Listen, it's gonna suck, you won't be able to see because of the umbrellas, it's in an hour and a half, I don't care, we're not going to this thing." So Adrian went to read in his car and Emily and I went to the Providence Place and walked around.
There we sat down at a bench for a while and chatted. She wasn't all too thrilled with the situation so I was trying to yield to her for a while. We got back to where Dylan was recieving his diplomma and the guy who was running the show started it early and Emily and I were the only ones there when Dylan's name was read. It was terrible judgement on the guy's part but the fam showed up eventually and the guy reread the names of the people who had been missed and it was alright. when all the names had been read and the show was over, there was about five seconds of awkward silence before one kid timidly flung his or her cap into the air. Then a bunch of others did too bust many without any conviction. Brown students.
Went to some receptions, tried to get Adrian to drive Emily and me back to her car but the traffic was bad and he nearly had an ulcer so we walked most of the way. Got back to Avondale, I told Emily I was going to take a nap, was going to sleep on my own, then felt like I'd rather sleep with her and I didn't really care if my parents came home and found out so I did and she seemed happy about that.
Dinner that night was nice. The Vancans were there and Emily seemed more relaxed, in part due to the more jovial atmosphere imparted by the Vancans. Lauren was pretty happy-drunk and made for good entertainment. I kind of decided that Emily was going to be upset regardless if she didn't think I was giving her most of my attention since she was the outsider of these events so I'd look at her and smile regularly to let her know I knew she was there.
A touching moment happened towards the end of dinner when Dylan stood and thanked everyone for coming and supporting him. He thanked me specifically for keeping him grounded as well as I could and last got choked up when thanking Grampie for all his help and for being his hero. I got kind of choked up myself.
That night we watched Time Machine (bad movie. Seemed to be trying to make some big point but really didn't make any sense. This isn't me being too stupid to get it, it honestly made no sense.) Afterwards, she and I got some blankets and went to the beach to lie down for a while. It was kind of chilly but nice. We didn't talk much, just laid there and fell asleep for a while before going back to Avondale. It was really nice.
Next morning we drove Grandma up to Newton so she could have lunch with Aunt Conney. I left the music off for Grandma's sake which turned out to be hell for Emily she told me later since she has a tough time sitting in silence. I continued with the eye contact thing so she'd be relaxed. Went back to Marion from there. Ate and watched Dead Poet's Society. We were lying down together most of the time but at one point she just sat up for a while and I said to myself, "Alright, what did I do now?" I didn't know what her deal was but I eventually realized that, just like most other things with her, it came down to a lack commitment. In this case because sometimes I was more comfortable holding her or not or lying a different way or trying to watch the movie. Because she's insecure and overthinks things I guess she felt like I once again wasn't paying her my full attention and this was a bad thing.
Afterwards we lay there and had the chat I knew was coming from the moment she told me she'd be coming up to visit: the "Where are we now and where should we go" chat. It actually turned out alright. All along I had been planning out what I would say, basically that I liked her and enjoyed being with her and that she's very important to me but since we have to spend the summer apart we can't date each other and that we would see where things stand when school resumes. This was the absolute truth but I didn't want her to think that I was just trying to blow her off or something by saying I didn't want to date her. My plans all along have been to go into school in August single and at this point I don't want to start dating her right when school starts because I don't know how I will feel or she will feel after three months apart and it would be no fair to either of us to have some sort of commitment hanging there all summer and when we go back. I hoped I had articulated this to her properly and she seemed pleased with it so that was good. I think the main point I made is that she is important to me, I do care about her and I do want her to be in my life when we go back to school and that this wasn't just a short hook-up and that we would part ways from here. She told me that she didn't really care whether it really cared about her or whether I just wanted to hook up, as long as she knew which one, but I didn't buy that and I told her I didn't think that was true and I think she agreed with me.
That night I stayed in my room with her and she left the following (Wednesday) morning. It was a little sad to see her leave because I like being with her but it was good because it allowed me to relax. The more I spent time with her from the time i met her, in March I think, I became less relaxed with her. Not to say I liked her less, on the contrary, as time went on I became closer to her, felt like I could open up to her more and and enjoyed being with her, but I just think that her stress rubbed off on me in the same way my easiness rubbed off on her. Kind of like thermodynamics in physics where two bodies in contact adjust heat transfer until they are the same temperature. Oh no, a physics joke. The whole relationship/quasi-togetherness became increasingly hard on me because I was always so relaxed about interacting with her, like when I was with her I wouldn't always pay attention to her and I'd serve my own best interest first because I didn't feel like it was my obligation to give myself to her like that and I think she got the wrong impression about that sometimes and felt I didn't care or whatever and it would show. That's one of the reason's I don't want to be dating her when school starts again because I truly feel like we're much better for each other as friends than in a romantic relationship. I love talking to her and she has so much awesome stuff going on upstairs but I don't think we mesh very well romantically. It was a crush that developed into a very good, mutually beneficial relationship that I would like to continue on the platonic level but I felt that it was always lacking the passion necessary for a serious relationship. I know I could never really date someone with whom I lacked that burning passion and I don't think that either of us had it which is ok. Some very good things came out of what we started and it's ok that a romantic relationship was not one of them.