Ascenands of Ancients Sovereign. A WOCM SPORK, prologue.
Hello to everyone! I'm Vicent Martín Bonet, Spanish Sporker, starting sci-fi writer on scribophile, wanna-be sporker, and Warhammer 40k fanboy (so expect many references to them).
Let's introduce the sporking material.
So, what's the Worlds of the Crystal Moon (WOCM)? It's a self-published book series of 'epic fantasy' that features what is the greatest Gary and Mary Stus ever made. Just to make a simple comparison: Eragon? He's not as Gary Stuey as this work's MC, nor as sociopath.
This book series has earned infamy because the author who goes by the name of Philipp 'Big Dog' ( a middle aged man using his high-school nickname, by Khorne this is just...) has published around five editions of this work, making drastic changes (and few for the best) on the story and overlay. To give you an idea: from the fourth edition to the fifth and last edition (which I will be sporking) he added 100 pages. Other sins include: misogyny, gary stueness, dreadful pacing, inconsistency and plot-holes the size of a planet, and an unhealthy obsession for urine.
During this spork I will do the traditional drinking game with the following cathergories (I will most likely add some as the story goes on):
-Misoginy for the win! Because there's plenty of it.
-OH! It's so beautiful! Because Big Dog only cares about you if you're HAWT.
-Stu powers ahead!
-The wilderness call! When there's any mention of urine
-You monster! When they have reactions that normal people wouldn't have A.K.A: bouts of psychopathy.
-Useless information (a whole bottle if it affects a whole chapter).
-Foreshadowing sledgehammer activated.
-Rampant stupidity (includes poor prose and inconsistencies in characterization, the typical 'what is told doesn't match what is shown').
-Editors Fail (and this one is worryingly high as far as I've read, considering there are two editors). Everytime I find something badly written I will put an example that sounds better.
So 'Ere we go! Today I will only do the prologue.
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I... have no words. This book will make me drink even before the prologue!
Let me get things straight: before starting the book we have Richard Hatch, director of battlestar galactica, saying that this is a great story. Thing is that if you do a research you won't find any news of him mentioning this. Not in the galactica forums or anywhere. You might think that the director of a considerably successful franchise and that has a budding acting career would have this kind of thing mentioned somewhere.
So we have here a blatant lie and I will take two drinks for rampant stupidity. One for this obvious lie and another by the following 'The language of the Elves acquired on the web from English to Elvish translators' Not only this is give me a feeling of poor writing but it's... don't know, it just sounds stupid to me. He would have done better to not mention this at all. \~/ \~/
Next thing is a photo of the author in posing smugly on a motorcycle while attempting to look cool, I guess. He has a blurb coming out of his mouth saying: let the adventure begin.
And now truly begins our 'EPIC ADVENTURE!'
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And I'm going to drink again. Ladies and gentlemen! I haven't gone beyond the book's first line and these are the third and fourth drink! This time is Editors fail's turn.
First off we've got this:'THE FLAMES ENGULFING AN'. I'm just starting and I'm seeing this fuck-ups. William Zavatchin (I'm going to call him Salvajín, savage in spanish, from now onward for his mangling of the English language), you only put the FIRST letter in caps unless there's a reason like a character putting a lot of emphasis, which is not the case.\~/
Second thing wrong is the whole sentence: it feels choppy and poorly written.'THE FLAMES ENGULFING AN eternal prison encompassed a vast area that stretched beyond the horizon.' This would sounded better this way: Flames surrounded the eternal prison, their deathly grasp stretching beyond the horizon. Bad writing and worse editing for not noting this. \~/
Actually, the other two sentences of the paragraph sound choppy and don't make a lick of sense, but I don't want to die of intoxication, even though I'm drinking coke.
Now, the stoy begins with a trio of angels are flying across hell. One of them looks with contempt the 'condemned' souls (I think damned would fit better but I'm not going to abuse the drink). And you notice something: a POV switch. At the beginning you get the feeling that this 3rd Omnipresent, but in truth it is 3rd Personal. I'm going to take one for Editor's fail and another for You Monster because of this: he was willing to sacrifice everything for the privilege of enduring the sounds of gnashing teeth, cries of regret, moans of anguish and wails of despair. Because that's something anyone can relate with, amirite? \~/ \~/
We get a poorly described landscape of hell and this pearl: the lake boiled as rancid waves rolled toward the shore—waves that had been created by the tears of the damned—those who had chosen the wrong path. (Groans) By Khorne, this makes me angry. That.Is.Stupid. That incission is completely unnecessary and breaks the pacing. Editors fail \~/
And we get more editors fail, rampant stupidity and useless information: Lightning arced across the blood-red sky and struck the top of the angel’s wings. The pain consumed his countenance as he turned to address his brethren who were rapidly approaching. “He’s angry with us, brothers!” he shouted, ensuring he could be heard over the sounds of the suffering. “Once we enter, we join the condemned!” He pointed down at the faces of the damned as both of his brothers stopped to hover beside him. “To find the door, we must first share in their suffering.”
1) Arced, Countenance and company aren't words one uses for a YA book, nor any book that doesn't attempt to sound archaic. There are also many more things wrong with the syntax and words used but I don't want to delve too long on that. Salvajín, stop jerking yourself and flaunting how much Doge has grown as a writer and do your bloody job.
2) Who's angry? God, the devil? I've no idea, people, we have no names!
3)Why you must share their suffering? They don't explain why, again. This is a serious case of telling and not showing. And. I. Hate. Storytellers. Everyone with a minimum of literally experience does, save Papa Nurgle, but that's because he loves everyone.
4) This corresponds to the followingquotes: learn how to use punctuation you dolts! In the interactions between the three angels (four sentences) there are two instances of commas that shouldn't be there, one colon that should be a comma and one quote that doesn't make much sense! Editor's fail and rampant stupidity are reaching a worrying level too soon, perhaps I shouldn't be so nitpicky.
I will be taking five drinks, and that being generous! \~/ \~/ \~/ \~/ \~/
The angel's keep talking in a jumbled way, with quotes that make little sense and are written poorly, making the plot more confusing and only making clear that they are here for a woman who betrayed the 1st angel. Why isn't really explained. We only get that the lead angel wants to free her because he loves her and (this is exactly what the book says): “Her trespasses weren’t her fault!”
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My reaction can only be described this way.
THIS IS HORRIBLE IN ALL THE LEVELS A WRITING CAN BE BAD!!! Even a preschooler can see there is something wrong with that quote! I'm taking a whole bottle just for this and another one for the crimes Doge and Salvajín commited in the rest of the converstation!
And we get a You monster too! Apparently the friends of the pagafantas (something like a cuckold or a friendzoned guy) don't want to suffer unless they go and rescue the others. You might say that this is good. It would be if the author wasn't Doge: they want to free the damned so they can enslave them. YAY, what wonderful angels we have there! \~/
So they dive the sea of tears and I'm drinking three glasses again. \~/ \~/ \~/ What is it now? First off: there's no mention at all of the fire that surrounded the prison,not even a tiny hint. There's no mention of the flames that extended beyond the horizon even though they seemed to be important, otherwise we shouldn't waste the book's very beginning with them. In addition we get the drilling annoyance of the fallen, the torture, everything related with suffering. It gets annoying and I'm blaming both the writer and the editor's for not curbing this stupidity.
Finally, they reach the love interest. She gets wet just by seeing the 'love she rejected' and that's it. This is the medieval damsel in distress in a nutshell so I'm going to give a Mysoginy for the win! \~/
Phew, this is going to be hard. Worse thing is. This chapter ended up serving no purpose whatsoever. Yes, it served nothing at all: it didn't establish main characters (we know no one's name nor appearances, and the only personality traits are that one is in 'love' and the three of them are dicks) nor furthered the plot at all. I need then a whole bottle for this.
Total drink count: 3 bottles and 15 glasses.
Now, if something of what I said is wrong, correct me.