Change of Plans (for this post)
So I had planned on talking out my opinion on how the world should be (gee, that didn't so dictatorial in my head) and the difficulty getting to that point because it depends so much on people taking responsibility for so much more than they think about. Anyway, I've decided to change that and kinda go into how I've been seeing myself change.
I have always been the thinking type: going over every detail before making a decision, over-analyzing everything, especially myself, tucking away an amazing amount of random information in my head, and pretty much living life through the guiding force of logic. But here recently I've finally becoming not just a more emotional person, but also an emotional person who isn't oversteering as much.
Like on Wednesday night, I think it was, coming back from dinner at Ruby Tuesday, I was quiet and Anna asked what I was thinking. I said "nothing" which was true, I wasn't thinking about anything, I was just feeling and letting myself feel, but I wasn't trying to feel or make the feeling stronger. Honestly, I was sad, not the depressed kinda sad that I've felt a lot since my journey back into emotions began some few years ago, but just sad. Yeah, some quiet, little corner of my mind was working on understanding it, but the rest of it was turned off to just let the emotion happen and do its thing.
Then there was another night this week, Monday I think, in which I was openly giggly and silly, which I have been in the past, but never in front of anyone. I'd like to say that I was entertaining and upbeat, and probably just a hint of disconcerting to the people who've never seen that before, which would be both Anna and Chris, though Anna's seen a little bit of it here and there.
And today, after getting home from work and taking care of the chores that needed doing (trash, dishes, dinner) I felt lonely, but not the verge-of-depression lonely I'm more familiar with. I just wanted someone around, someone to talk to, someone to touch and be touched by, hell, someone to simply give me a hug.
Honestly, I've been terrified of touching people most of my life because of the way I felt each other, so physical contact of even the simplest kind has a profound impact on me. I don't know how far I've progressed with that particular feel, but I'm making steps toward not automatically assuming that me touching someone would disgust them.
I'm sure that the simple fact that I'm writing these down may seem like I'm making a big deal about them, but my intent is the opposite. When I would oversteer my emotions I wouldn't dare write about because I know that it would definitely be about me organizing some kind of pity-party for myself. What I'm trying to say is that I feel like I'm becoming more comfortable with my emotions and I'm actually letting go of control, either to intensify or restrain, and just letting them happen and enjoying them for simply being what they are. 'Course some would probably say that I'm still over-analyzing things. Well, screw you, I'm smiling, I'm happy, and I'm enjoying that. :D
I have always been the thinking type: going over every detail before making a decision, over-analyzing everything, especially myself, tucking away an amazing amount of random information in my head, and pretty much living life through the guiding force of logic. But here recently I've finally becoming not just a more emotional person, but also an emotional person who isn't oversteering as much.
Like on Wednesday night, I think it was, coming back from dinner at Ruby Tuesday, I was quiet and Anna asked what I was thinking. I said "nothing" which was true, I wasn't thinking about anything, I was just feeling and letting myself feel, but I wasn't trying to feel or make the feeling stronger. Honestly, I was sad, not the depressed kinda sad that I've felt a lot since my journey back into emotions began some few years ago, but just sad. Yeah, some quiet, little corner of my mind was working on understanding it, but the rest of it was turned off to just let the emotion happen and do its thing.
Then there was another night this week, Monday I think, in which I was openly giggly and silly, which I have been in the past, but never in front of anyone. I'd like to say that I was entertaining and upbeat, and probably just a hint of disconcerting to the people who've never seen that before, which would be both Anna and Chris, though Anna's seen a little bit of it here and there.
And today, after getting home from work and taking care of the chores that needed doing (trash, dishes, dinner) I felt lonely, but not the verge-of-depression lonely I'm more familiar with. I just wanted someone around, someone to talk to, someone to touch and be touched by, hell, someone to simply give me a hug.
Honestly, I've been terrified of touching people most of my life because of the way I felt each other, so physical contact of even the simplest kind has a profound impact on me. I don't know how far I've progressed with that particular feel, but I'm making steps toward not automatically assuming that me touching someone would disgust them.
I'm sure that the simple fact that I'm writing these down may seem like I'm making a big deal about them, but my intent is the opposite. When I would oversteer my emotions I wouldn't dare write about because I know that it would definitely be about me organizing some kind of pity-party for myself. What I'm trying to say is that I feel like I'm becoming more comfortable with my emotions and I'm actually letting go of control, either to intensify or restrain, and just letting them happen and enjoying them for simply being what they are. 'Course some would probably say that I'm still over-analyzing things. Well, screw you, I'm smiling, I'm happy, and I'm enjoying that. :D