29.03.2013 <- my second KAT-TUN anniversary

Mar 29, 2013 11:50

So it's my 2nd year as KAT-TUN's fan, as hyphen. Still feeling like newbie, of course, yet I can't believe how many things changed and how many didn't. Those few people I know, who remember the dates when they joined, do something special for their anniversary. Like video, sharing files, graphics or something like this.
Last year I published post with all existing, not released on CD (!!), songs. Something like what kamesanctuary did with Kame for his bday, but I've completed also rest of members' solos, plus all whole group's ones. (Un)fortunately comments annoyed me and I decided to make post private.
I'm not a graphics maker and it'd be offensive to call myself one, just because I can cut pic and add filter.
My fanarts are not good, even though I got complimented recently. I believe that people should look at their work a bit more critically before sharing it, because sometimes they're just... crappy. I'm aware it sounds awful, but recently I saw something posted on community that made me want to forbid people do fanarts. For me there're 3 categories:
1) oh my god, is that a photo?!/oh my god, that's too cute to exist! (for chibis only)
2) hey, that turned out pretty good!
3) oh, why you have done that and why you had to show me this...?!
Only first category deserves to be shared.
My own fanarts I either label as „Girl, you can hold a pencil!” or „- Do you want to save this pic before closing program? - No”.
So here I am, unable to do anything for this fandom, so I'll selfishly focus on myself by sometimes being rude. Gonna just post everything I ever thought of this fandom and my existence in it. And order few KT CDs as anniversary gift from self to self.
I want to start with comparing myself of first year in fandom to second year one.
First year anniversary post is HERE

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1. Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge drama
This is the first thing I thought about, because it's the reason I'm here now. I think since then I rewatched this drama 3 or 4 times and loved it more and more. I don't know if I just so like this series or it's because of feelings, but I'm happy that I never went „How come I could get into this guy so much? He's not that good!”. This thing happened to me few times when I rewatched random anime, which I deeply loved during first watching. So I was kinda scared. But I'm real YamaNade fan and my flailing is strong all the time. Though, I have to admit that during first year I felt a stronger urge to rewatch it from time to time. Now I just turn random episode and enjoy it, while back then I needed full marathon.
      2. Love Yourself PV
First PV! I can't imagine watching it, even now, without crying. I don't think it's possible! And just like I said above „ I don't know if I just so like this series PV or it's because of feelings...”. Nothing changed! Completely nothing! Maybe my love for rest 4 members of KAT-TUN and Jin is bigger now. Though, wait.. hm, Jinny's case is a bit complicated, but I'll go back to it later.
      3. Best of KAT-TUN
„She said, "Never look back" She said, "Never look back" She said, "Never look back whatever you face"...”
arararara... Who can not love this album? Forever and ever!
      4. Kamenashi
I read what I have written last year and sobbing. Because I'm happy that my feelings for that man didn't get weaker at all! Duh, they're getting stronger and stronger. After all he's amazing and keeps surprising me with his talents. Heart once stolen, never gets returned, huh. Keep it Kame! Keep it and do whatever you want with it! I only want to hear you, see you and breathe you, since you're the most important person for me. I especially want to thank your voice. Nothing has bigger impact on me.
      5. Akanishi
I don't want to write about that, I dooooooon'tttttt. This part was supposed to be about Jin as person. Not as KAT-TUN member, nor solo one. The Jin I 'know' (but what can a fan know?), but recently I feel like I know nothing. He disappeared from public life and all I have are old stuff. I adore this guy, I really do, but at the same time 2 years in fandom, where I often meet haters (some are my friends), teached me how to shut up and keep my feelings only for people who like him too. He's human, he can do mistakes. He left KAT-TUN - his friends, his groupmates. 3 years passed, yet people still bash him for that. I'd be hypocrite to do that, because „burning bridges and buring people” is my thing. I started my life from the beginning three times already. I got rid of people two times. So who am I to judge Jin? But at the same time I don't think anyone should. Especially not now. Almost 3 years passed. If you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing. Just leave him alone. KAT-TUN are doing great, aren't they? So what's the problem now?
See, that's why I didn't want to write anything. I'm torn apart between deleting and keeping all stuff I wrote above.
      6. Taguchi
入口出口田口です, babe! Nothing about my feelings towards him changed, but he himself indeed did. You're smoking hot, Junno! Everyone can see that! You're mature guy, who at the same time didn't say fully 'goodbye' to his childish self. And it's the ideal type of personality for me. Wishing you even more successful year!
      7. Tanaka
Koki, Koki, Koki... My sweet boy. Can I say how much I'm happy that during last year so many fans of you started being more active in fandom? You deserve as much love as possible! And definitely more roles in drama!
      8. Ueda
During last year we fully said „bye bye” to girly looking Tacchan. We have this dangerous hottie, who woke up completely different feelings in me. Instead of „cute!”, I'm all „sexy” and I definitely like this change, even though I miss old ones. I'm really curious what this year is going to bring. Same Tacchan or something new?
      9. Nakamaru
For real. I feel like last year was the moment Junno, Uepi and Maru matured a lot! Maru's simply breathtaking and I love how he got pervy. *winks and reminds of poking butt time during CHAIN*
      10. PVs
I can proudly call this year the year of PV marathoning! Every month I do at least 3 marathons of all PVs. Because I want to.
      11. Albums
I WANT NEW ALBUM.
      12. Singles
I WANT NEW SINGLE
      13. Concerts
I WANT NEW TOUR
      14. Drama & Movies
I WANT NEW/MORE DRAMA WITH MEMBERS. Especially my dream is all members in one drama or movie. Also, I believe that acting skills of them all got better, so it's worth showing them off!
      15. TV shows
During this year we got 2 not regular tv bangumi. Where's regular one? In golden time slot? I need it in my life! I need a portion of KAT-TUN's adorkableness every week!
      16. Live performances
Why they got so rare?I wish KAT-TUN appeared there more often with unreleased songs.
      17. Solo
A way to spend some time with every member alone. I more appreciate them thanks to solo songs, though I NEVER approve idea of any member releasing album of his own solos. Nope, no, no way.
      18. Unreleased songs
I do love them, I have them all. It took many hours, many days, many sources, many ripping, many better and worse versions, many people and many passwords to guess. But I believe I have them all. They're equally precious to me like released songs.
      19. Making of
Well, during last year I finally watched all of them and I'm pretty sure that I rewatched them at least once. Most with subs. I'm like Koki, I deeply love making ofs and game parts!
      20. CM
NOT FREAKING ENOUGH.
      21. Fandom
sighs
I got calmer and more emotional this year about fandom. Haha, that's how this thing works. You love it and hate it, you're happy and you're sad, you wish you weren't here sometimes and regret you have to sleep and skip some time online, you want to do everything and do nothing for all of them.
I definitely started noticing fails of our fandom. Yet, I still want to stay. And it's the prove that crush times disappeared and now it's real love. I know dark side of this place and even though I hate some people, just like I'd hate RL ones, it's not like I'm ready to give up everything because of them (though if their internet decides to die and never comes back, I won't mind). I often hear that I give a feeling like I'm longer here and folks are surprised to hear that I'm only 2 years old hyphen. I never tried to pretend I'm longer or that I know more.
I'm not perfect, I'm not someone to look up to, I'm not veteran.
I'm newbie.
And I think that for at least next 2 years I'll think that of me. I don't know why in my opinion 4 years in fandom finally makes you know everything, but I do think that.
During last year I got closer to few people, I lost some, plus I started hating exactly 3 girls.
People close to me are included in top of my most important people. They're definitely higher than real life friends, but then... Most of those fandom folks I know longer than RL ones. I won't mention them by name. I want to believe that if they know me as good as I'd want them to, they see themselves included here with invisible, permanent ink.
People I lost, and I can think of two, hurt me a bit before disappearing from my TL. One unfollowed me, second I unfollowed. Because I like Jin, I got unfollowed. Second case: Choosing kpop over KT is sin I cannot ignore. Well, she still didn't leave this fandom, but I decided to ignore her existence. But not hate.
3 girls I hate. Waiting patiently for death of your internet.
I also want to appreciate all my followers on twitter. I know that often I'm annoying with all my flailing over different fandoms or just real life. Also I never shut up when it comes to controversial matter and it's easy to make me angry. I'm the same in RL. Yet you're still with me! Even if we don't talk, I remember about you.
Though I don't follow back only because someone asks me too. I need person to talk to me few times and I have to really enjoy conversation. I know it's horrible of me, but few times I followed people who flooded my TL with things I hate and can't stand. I don't want to let this happen ever again. But then... No one chooses friends randomly, right?
      22. Languages
My english is better, I attend japanese classes and teacher during every class tells me that I was born to speak this language! Really!
     23. Buying CDs
At the very very end! Only super rare are left, but finding original japanese versions with OBI is pretty hard. And I'm not satisfied with korean/hong kong/taiwan versions, in so-so condition CDs, like some. But I can tell that only less than 10 CDs are left, so it's a matter of really short time.
Of course I buy every edition.
Also it's a good time to express my opinion about a bit controversial topic.
As a person who does buy KAT-TUN singles, I don't believe it makes me any better fan than people who can't afford them. And lovely girl who said that has special place prepared for her in hell. In my opinion, fandom is a reflection of the subject of their admiration. I don't think that KAT-TUN are all about money, but more about feelings. Of course, it's great when fans buy singles, but it DOESN'T make those fans better.
      24. Buying related things
Who needs food, when you can breathe KAT-TUN?
      25. Feelings
Still rollercoaster!
      26. Perverts (fetish)
I got normal, I'm not pervert at all, I'm an innocent member of this society...
… not.
      27. Fics
GIMME MORE NC17 KOKAME FICS.
      28. Photos
I love those moments when my lappy freezes when I turn one of KT pics folders.
      29. Fancams
come to me!
      30. Deeper love for Japan
Nothing I should in this public post. I only want to say that this simple thing went beyond anything I could imagine and I'm not handling it too well.
      31. Helping me finding myself
Imagining my life without KAT-TUN and hyphens is impossible. I tried many times, but to be honest everytime I ended dead in this scenario. It's not like my life was awful and I wanted to commit suicide before finding KT. It's just... I have no idea where I'd live, who I'd know, what I'd do if not KAT-TUN who affect every part of my life. It's easier to just make myself dead.
      32. Hardworking
I think that last year I had in head mainly Kame, who's hardworking or rather overworking person. After 2nd year I believe all of them are. And it's amazing.
      33. Finding JE
I'm pretty sure that I'm living 48h per day because I really have time to flail over other JE groups. Except Sexy Zone and Hey Say Jump.
      34. Pairings
KoKame
Robamaru
JunDa
(still can't decide if I love more Uepi with Maru or Junno so I just ship both)
      35. Reaction of others after hearing I listen to boysband
Still hilarious!
      36. KAT-TUN together
CHAIN OF LOVE
      37. 6nin
Bye bye 6nin KAT-TUN. You were precious, but times changed. I don't pretend you didn't exist, but at the same time I don't want you anymore...
      38. 5nin
… because 5nin KAT-TUN are doing amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing! And they deserve way more appreciation!
      39. new Jin
You mean: invisible Jin? Hidden from human sight Jin? Popping out in tabloids Jin? We miss you Jin?
      40. Hairstyles
EVERYTHING EXCEPT KOKI'S GEL THINGY, WHICH MAKES HIM LOOK LIKE OLD GUY
      41. Clothes
Stylish more than me. Hahaha... haha... ha... I fail as a girl. Though, during last year my taste changed a lot. I often try elegant style or just what is fashionable right now. My friends are surprised, but I don't care.
      42. Hobbies/Special Abilities
Nothing new I guess. Or am I forgetting something?
      43. Dance
Currently I can think of Connect&Go choreography, NO WORDS NO TIME play and dance practice with NY choreographer. We're so lucky to have so talented boys!
      44. Smile
Their smile didn't disappear, so neither did mine.
      45. Sport
I know more about baseball than any of my male friends. Thanks, Kame!
      46. Relationship with fans
See, last year I believed they are all sweet towards fans 24h/7. Now I know that Kame and Uepi rather won't be amused if fan disturbs them, but you can count on Junno and Koki. With Maru it depends on his mood, I guess. I respect all options.
      47. Not forcing anything
They're still themselves!
      48. Records
srsly.. I don't get what I meant with that.
      49. Dreams
Still dreaming of KAT-TUN! Sometimes it's weird, sometimes it's sad, sometimes it's fluffy dream, but I don't mind any. „When you dream of someone, it means he thinks of you” and I believe that in those moments KAT-TUN think of their fans!
      50. Hopes for future
KAT-TUN reaches top. I said that last year, I'll say this also now. They deserve to be loved by everyone, to be called 'biggest' and 'best'. Because they ARE.
      51. My goals
Finish buying whole KAT-TUN discography. Gurl, just do ittttt
Travel to Japan and attend KAT-TUN's concert. Gurl, just do ittttt
Get backstage tour ticket and be able to see them face to face. Gurl, don't do ittt... You'll die.
Never stop loving them. Gurl, you know you will!

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Quite recently I found THIS gorgeous post
Which perfectly explains what is fandom. Something I always thought, but never knew how to put it in words. This made me cry so hard that I decided that I want to have these words always with me. So I printed this:
(it's only for my personal use, so I won't show here clear version. Also it seems to be messed up, but if you fold it as a book, everything is in the right order)









Now I have a bit of words of wisdom about the biggest part of my life always in my calendar, which is always with me.

So to sum up, I'm thankful for these 2 years and I can't wait for next ones.
I'm grateful to everyone who made me feel this way!



(credits to owner)

P.S. Plan for today? I'll get drunk during my date with Asahi beers and sake + KAT-TUN DVDs ♥

fandom, anniversary, flail, what are they doing to me?!, with all my love, massive post, personal

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