(no subject)
So, I've learned over this short vacation the following things:
-I shouldn't say the following around my mother: 'Fuck, fucking hell, fucking shit, fucking fuck fuck, fuck me, I need a fucking cigarette, I need a fucking drink, I can't wait to get the fuck out of here'. She has threatened to hit my 14 times already. And no, that is not a record.
-I have a filthy mouth. Well, I already knew I had a filthy mouth, but some people that haven't seen me in three years were completely shocked at the way I spoke. How did I deal with it? I just acted as equally shocked and blamed it on being worn down by school. The majority believed me. Except for my great-great aunt Adelaide, that palsy bitch. She's on to me.
-Never come down the stairs after Thanksgiving Dinner re-adjusting your clothes after a make-out session because a certain great aunt will be sitting in her wheelchair in the dark hallway and squawk out something about fucking in the attic or how she used to get fucked in the attic during the Second World War. Either way. Creepy. She'll also wheel around you and claim to smell lust. Yeah? I know. Crazy bitch.
-Never leave your bedroom door open when you are trying to get your grind on. Why? Because your eight year old cousin will follow you and your "friend" into your room and sit in between the two of you and you have to mouth very nasty things over her sweet, little head. When she looks up to catch you in mid sentence you have to correct yourself and say 'What? No, sweetheart. I said I was going to sit on his case not his face'
-Don't smoke anywhere near your house because when your grandmother catches you she thinks that you are bound in an internal bond. You know your not, but she thinks that this will rekindle your shittastic relationship. It won't 'cause on some level you're still a fourteen year old that despies her.
-It is not wise to tell your mother that you don't wear underwear and that in high school, despite the fact you wore a skirt every.single.day you didn't wear any. She might start tearing up or pretend that she has something caught in her eyelash.
-Don't reference anything involving oral sex. It will just get you stuck in a very awkward situation where your mother stares you down for a solid minute straight while you explain that it's not you that loves to give it, but your friend that you were on the phone with who has fallen from the Lord's grace into the fiery pits of Hell. You're just trying to help her out. Poor girl. She comes from a broken home.
-Graciously accept the pair of cross earrings that the other aunt who hates you gives you. Don't cough and call her a whorebag who's taken down more men then the Titanic. She might have heard you...
-And finally? DONT GET DRUNK AT DINNER. It's a bad, bad idea. You may have looked sober, but you know that you were NOT. You saw everyone in three and had to talk to the son of your mom's best friend. He's a nice boy, he's just never found the right girl from him. You, in your drunk state, might ask him if he bats for the other team and then he might ask you do you want to see how un-gay he is. In the end, you decide that he isn't gay at all.
Happy Holiday's!!!
-I shouldn't say the following around my mother: 'Fuck, fucking hell, fucking shit, fucking fuck fuck, fuck me, I need a fucking cigarette, I need a fucking drink, I can't wait to get the fuck out of here'. She has threatened to hit my 14 times already. And no, that is not a record.
-I have a filthy mouth. Well, I already knew I had a filthy mouth, but some people that haven't seen me in three years were completely shocked at the way I spoke. How did I deal with it? I just acted as equally shocked and blamed it on being worn down by school. The majority believed me. Except for my great-great aunt Adelaide, that palsy bitch. She's on to me.
-Never come down the stairs after Thanksgiving Dinner re-adjusting your clothes after a make-out session because a certain great aunt will be sitting in her wheelchair in the dark hallway and squawk out something about fucking in the attic or how she used to get fucked in the attic during the Second World War. Either way. Creepy. She'll also wheel around you and claim to smell lust. Yeah? I know. Crazy bitch.
-Never leave your bedroom door open when you are trying to get your grind on. Why? Because your eight year old cousin will follow you and your "friend" into your room and sit in between the two of you and you have to mouth very nasty things over her sweet, little head. When she looks up to catch you in mid sentence you have to correct yourself and say 'What? No, sweetheart. I said I was going to sit on his case not his face'
-Don't smoke anywhere near your house because when your grandmother catches you she thinks that you are bound in an internal bond. You know your not, but she thinks that this will rekindle your shittastic relationship. It won't 'cause on some level you're still a fourteen year old that despies her.
-It is not wise to tell your mother that you don't wear underwear and that in high school, despite the fact you wore a skirt every.single.day you didn't wear any. She might start tearing up or pretend that she has something caught in her eyelash.
-Don't reference anything involving oral sex. It will just get you stuck in a very awkward situation where your mother stares you down for a solid minute straight while you explain that it's not you that loves to give it, but your friend that you were on the phone with who has fallen from the Lord's grace into the fiery pits of Hell. You're just trying to help her out. Poor girl. She comes from a broken home.
-Graciously accept the pair of cross earrings that the other aunt who hates you gives you. Don't cough and call her a whorebag who's taken down more men then the Titanic. She might have heard you...
-And finally? DONT GET DRUNK AT DINNER. It's a bad, bad idea. You may have looked sober, but you know that you were NOT. You saw everyone in three and had to talk to the son of your mom's best friend. He's a nice boy, he's just never found the right girl from him. You, in your drunk state, might ask him if he bats for the other team and then he might ask you do you want to see how un-gay he is. In the end, you decide that he isn't gay at all.
Happy Holiday's!!!