"I'm the bitch who makes you a man."
‘I’m the bitch who makes you a man.’
Who would I be without Amy to react to? Because she was right: As a man, I had been my most impressive when I loved her - and I was my next best self when I hated her.
You are an average, lazy, boring, cowardly, woman-fearing man. Without me, that’s what you would have kept on being, ad nauseam. But I made you into something. You were the best man you’ve ever been with me. And you know it. The only time in your life you’ve ever liked yourself was pretending to be someone I might like. Without me? You’re just your dad. You think he wasn’t hurt by a woman too, just like you? You think he didn’t believe he deserved better than he got, just like you? You really think your mom was his first choice? Why do you think he hated you all so much? Think, Nick, you know I’m right: Even if you found a nice, regular girl, you’d be thinking of me every day. Tell me you wouldn’t. How quickly did you forget little Able Andie once you thought I loved you again? One love note, sweetie? Did one love note do it? Two? Two notes with me swearing I loved you and I wanted you back, and I thought you were just great after all - was that it for you? You are WITTY, you are WARM, you are BRILLIANT. You’re so pathetic. You think you can ever be a normal man again? You’ll find a nice girl, and you’ll still think of me, and you’ll be so completely dissatisfied, trapped in your boring, normal life with your regular wife and your two average kids. You’ll think of me and then you’ll look at your wife, and you’ll think: Dumb bitch. Just like your dad. We’re all bitches in the end, aren’t we, Nick? Dumb bitch, psycho bitch. I’m the bitch you makes you better, Nick. I’m the bitch who makes you a man.
“Who would I be without Amy to react to? Because she was right: as a man, I had been my most impressive when I loved her - and I was my next best self when I hated her.”
I will find you, Amy. Lovesick words, hateful intentions.
“It really is true. It took this awful situation for us to realize it. Nick and I fit together. I am a little too much, and he is a little too little. I am a thornbush, bristling from the overattention of my parents, and he is a man of a million little fatherly stab wounds, and my thorns fit perfectly into them.”
From Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn, paperback edition, page 353
The other morning I woke up next to her, and I studied the back of her skull. I tried to read her thoughts. For once I didn’t feel like I was staring into the sun. I’m rising to my wife’s level of madness. Because I can feel her changing me again: I was a callow boy, and then a man, good and bad. Now at last I’m the hero. I am the one to root for in the never-ending war story of our marriage. It’s a story I can live with. Hell, at this point, I can’t imagine my story without Amy. She is my forever antagonist.
Yes, I am finally a match for Amy. The other morning I woke up next to her, and I studied the back of her skull. I tried to read her thoughts. For once I didn't feel like I was staring into the sun. I'm rising to my wife's level of madness. Because I can feel her changing me again: I was a callow boy, and then a man, good and bad. Now at last I'm the hero. I am the one to root for in the never-ending war story of our marriage. It's a story I can live with. Hell, at this point, I can't imagine my story without Amy. She is my forever antagonist.
We are one frightening climax.
From Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn, paperback edition, page 413
“And then the strangest thought of all clattered drunkenly from the back of my brain to the front and blinded me: If I kill Amy, who will I be?”
"...You're so pathetic. You think you can ever be a normal man again? You'll find a nice girl and you'll still think of me, and you'll be so completely dissatisfied, trapped in your boring, normal life with your regular wife and your two average kids. You'll think of me and then you'll look at your wife, and you'll think: Dumb bitch."
"Shut up, Amy. I mean it."
"Just like your dad. We're all bitches in the end, aren't we, Nick? Dumb bitch, psycho bitch."
He grabs me by the arm and shakes me hard.
"I'm the bitch who makes you better, Nick."
He stops talking then. He is using all his energy to keep his hands at his side. His eyes are wet with tears. He is shaking.
"I'm the bitch who makes you a man."
Then his hands are on my neck.
From Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn, paperback edition, pages 394-395
Her pulse was finally throbbing beneath my fingers, the way I'd imagined. I pressed tighter and brought her to the ground. She made wet clucking noises and scratched at my wrists. We were both kneeling, in the face-to-face prayer for ten seconds.
You fucking crazy bitch.
A tear fell from my chin and hit the floor.
You murdering, mind-fucking, evil, crazy bitch.
Amy's bright blue eyes were staring into mine, unblinking.
And then the strangest thought of all clattered drunkenly from the back of my brain to the front and blinded me: If I kill Amy, who will I be?
I saw a bright white flash. I dropped my wife as if she were burning iron.
She sat hard on the ground, gasped, coughed. When he breath came back, it was in jagged rasps, with a strange, almost erotic squeak at the end.
Who will I be then? The question wasn't recriminatory. It wasn't like the answer was the pious: Then you'll be a killer, Nick. You'll be as bad as Amy. You'll be what everyone thought you were. No. The question was frighteningly soulful and literal: Who would I be without amy to react to? Because she was right: As a man, I had been my most impressive when I loved her - and I was my next best self when I hated her. I had known Amy only seven years, but I couldn't go back to life without her, Because she was right: I couldn't return to an average life. I'd known it before she'd said the word. I'd already pictured myself with a regular woman - a sweet, normal girl next door - and I'd already pictured telling this regular woman the story of Amy, the lengths she had gone to - to punish me and to return to me. I already pictured this sweet and mediocre girl saying something uninteresting like Oh, nooooo, oh my God, and I already knew part of me would be looking at her and thinking: You've never murdered for me. You've never framed me. You wouldn't even know how to begin to do what Amy did. You could never possibly care that much. The indulged mama's boy in me wouldn't be able to find peace with this normal woman, and pretty soon she wouldn't just be normal, she'd be substandard, and then my father's voice - dumb bitch - would rise up and take it from there.
Amy was exactly right.
From Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn, paperback edition, pages 396-397
Yes, I am finally a match for Amy. The other morning I woke up next to her, and I studied the back of her skull. I tried to read her thoughts. For once I didn't feel like I was staring into the sun. I'm rising to my wife's level of madness. Because I can feel her changing me again: I was a callow boy, and then a man, good and bad. Now at last I'm the hero. I am the one to root for in the never-ending war story of our marriage. It's a story I can live with. Hell, at this point, I can't imagine my story without Amy. She is my forever antagonist.
We are one frightening climax.
From Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn, paperback edition, page 413