You want a subject? go find one....fucker.
*grin* verbal abuse is great. you know what I'm referring too if you read the subject.
But really, isn't it just awesome and vindicating to go off on someone when you truly feel they deserve it?
It's funny, i've long been in this loop of not trusting my instincts to the point of thinking I was incapable of having reactions. It was more like putting an iron grip on things to keep from flying off the handle. I really truly separated myself from those scary feelings and interactions. I did so in such a way
that I was totally convinced that I could not, and should not make snap judgments and react. But aren't sentient creatures supposed to do this? Didn't I do this anyways? How could I not trust myself if I was so good at restraint that I would deny myself the comfort and centering of emotional stability that comes from surrenduring to my sense of humanity? These days, things are flowing so much better now, and it feels right. I'll admit, it took many struggles with big lessons and drug abuse to learn. It also required me to take the advice so many have given about my behavior and emotions that I just couldn't accept, or refused to put into action with so many excuses. I've accepted my limitations, realized that my old list was pretty off and waaay too long, and am pressing forward accordingly with many adjustments. One of these adjustments is giving up this dogged fight against psych meds that has been going on for more than 3 years. These last two years were the worst, I had not taken more than a few days worth at a time. even when I would say that i was goin' for it, I really wasn't. I was more interested in drugs and alcohol, really. Actually, the 2 years started with using drugs I had fervently sworn against before hand. This past year has shown me an iron clad promise either more loss than I can recover from as easily as I have if ever, or even imminent death. In fact, I'm lucky to be alive after my last drug experince. I'm better off visiting the amusement park for all that bullshit. I ended up visiting jail instead, which wasn't the worst part. I lost a lot of self respect and caused my family to lose sleep and a piece of themselves while I kept saying "it's okay, I'm learning something." That was my excuse, my quest. To go as far into the depths as I could with what I have, my very being and come back from it having learned the most I can considering that those experiences could never truly be forfilled with anything short of a life to death experience that i would not recall by memory in the next life. i cannot be everything, I cannot do everything in this lifetime. I'm stretching myself too thin. I can no longer be angry to i cannot be something else. This life is the span of a blink of an eye in the length of existance. I think I can wait. No more talk of my death, for it shall come. All too soon if i keep pressing. While my life, and all it holds slips away. You know the saying "Live life like tomorrow will never come." I was, just on the negative end of the spectrum.
ps. To a certain someone, when I told you of hate, when I told you of revenge....
It was in relation to my assumption that I was not capable.
It turned out I was wrong. It was a devastating triumph, if that makes sense now.
But really, isn't it just awesome and vindicating to go off on someone when you truly feel they deserve it?
It's funny, i've long been in this loop of not trusting my instincts to the point of thinking I was incapable of having reactions. It was more like putting an iron grip on things to keep from flying off the handle. I really truly separated myself from those scary feelings and interactions. I did so in such a way
that I was totally convinced that I could not, and should not make snap judgments and react. But aren't sentient creatures supposed to do this? Didn't I do this anyways? How could I not trust myself if I was so good at restraint that I would deny myself the comfort and centering of emotional stability that comes from surrenduring to my sense of humanity? These days, things are flowing so much better now, and it feels right. I'll admit, it took many struggles with big lessons and drug abuse to learn. It also required me to take the advice so many have given about my behavior and emotions that I just couldn't accept, or refused to put into action with so many excuses. I've accepted my limitations, realized that my old list was pretty off and waaay too long, and am pressing forward accordingly with many adjustments. One of these adjustments is giving up this dogged fight against psych meds that has been going on for more than 3 years. These last two years were the worst, I had not taken more than a few days worth at a time. even when I would say that i was goin' for it, I really wasn't. I was more interested in drugs and alcohol, really. Actually, the 2 years started with using drugs I had fervently sworn against before hand. This past year has shown me an iron clad promise either more loss than I can recover from as easily as I have if ever, or even imminent death. In fact, I'm lucky to be alive after my last drug experince. I'm better off visiting the amusement park for all that bullshit. I ended up visiting jail instead, which wasn't the worst part. I lost a lot of self respect and caused my family to lose sleep and a piece of themselves while I kept saying "it's okay, I'm learning something." That was my excuse, my quest. To go as far into the depths as I could with what I have, my very being and come back from it having learned the most I can considering that those experiences could never truly be forfilled with anything short of a life to death experience that i would not recall by memory in the next life. i cannot be everything, I cannot do everything in this lifetime. I'm stretching myself too thin. I can no longer be angry to i cannot be something else. This life is the span of a blink of an eye in the length of existance. I think I can wait. No more talk of my death, for it shall come. All too soon if i keep pressing. While my life, and all it holds slips away. You know the saying "Live life like tomorrow will never come." I was, just on the negative end of the spectrum.
ps. To a certain someone, when I told you of hate, when I told you of revenge....
It was in relation to my assumption that I was not capable.
It turned out I was wrong. It was a devastating triumph, if that makes sense now.