I'm a neglectful little twat.
hi there to those those in attendance to my barren LJ showing.
Ahem
So about this odd hiatus.....
No good excuse.
Perhaps I could be forgiven for my fuck-it-all attitude when it comes to communication.
Some people I contact, some I don't.
I'm not sure why it is all so hard for me to call some people or get on here and let anyone know what happened in regard to my last post.
I've got a blatant issue with avoidance that has cost me most of my possesions, my transportaion, any sort of stable place to live, a good job, a lovely obsession, any chance of getting a job requiring a good driving record...
It wasn't just that last big incident where everything just came to a head.
One thing led to another. Each day, even each minute that I put shit off, shit ujust builds up more and more. I'm not sure what's worse, letting thinbgs go until it's another giant pile to take care of, or supporting a lie with one after another to cover the first?
In this case, they have been the same thing in my life.
I've been lying to myself, and in turn lying to everyone else. The same goes for when i disrespect myself, have no love for myself...It's as if i cannot give others what i won't even provide for myself. i seem pretty bankrupt, don't I? It's no surprise though, i've been writing checks my soul and body don't have the funds for. t doesn't everyone do some sort of version of this? It's an epidemic....
So what can i do? I've got this feeling of wanting to help, yet i'm sitting around quite often dreaming of it rather than doing it. If i were meant to dream my life away and becoming inneffectual, i would not be alive. that also means I'm not meant for death, if I have such a desire to be here and help. That leaves me with one choice: use what i have, build upon my ability to have a great attitude, not get so blazingly butthurt over bullshit and blast off.
But damnit, what comes first? My biggest problem is hesitating, thinking and re-thinking about my stragey and how rto attack it in the right order. hence all this day-dreaming and feeling like i do not have the means to do any of it. Of course I do, but now it can't come from luck and people hammering me til i get up, or handing me shit when they feel sorry for me. You know whyat happens when i earn something or put a lot of work into it? i fight for it. Funny thing though, I've still thrown shit out because of getting into "one of those moods".
So here i am, running myself down. I'm actually happy with myself though. I've drawn myself into experiences on the negative side with the minimum of consequences. Cheap lessons with hard hitting impacts. At this point, those little things aren't going to keep me up at night or keep me inside the house. especially since my last trial in this series is jail for 71 days starting monday. My freedom will be taken for a short while. I doubt that after having noice choice but to waste my time, i shall be seriously dissatisfied with whiling away. I am wondering what sort of interesting things i shall be allowed to do in the name of bettering myself. Heck, even constant reading would be nice. I plan on asking for ones that are for learning purposes, as well as a few of fiction.
So. as far as my current situation, i live with my boyfriend Nathan in an RV in his graqndparents back yard. i shall get a job and go to school when i return. meh, gotta go eat with my family...
Enough random thoughts.
-Megan Jean
Ahem
So about this odd hiatus.....
No good excuse.
Perhaps I could be forgiven for my fuck-it-all attitude when it comes to communication.
Some people I contact, some I don't.
I'm not sure why it is all so hard for me to call some people or get on here and let anyone know what happened in regard to my last post.
I've got a blatant issue with avoidance that has cost me most of my possesions, my transportaion, any sort of stable place to live, a good job, a lovely obsession, any chance of getting a job requiring a good driving record...
It wasn't just that last big incident where everything just came to a head.
One thing led to another. Each day, even each minute that I put shit off, shit ujust builds up more and more. I'm not sure what's worse, letting thinbgs go until it's another giant pile to take care of, or supporting a lie with one after another to cover the first?
In this case, they have been the same thing in my life.
I've been lying to myself, and in turn lying to everyone else. The same goes for when i disrespect myself, have no love for myself...It's as if i cannot give others what i won't even provide for myself. i seem pretty bankrupt, don't I? It's no surprise though, i've been writing checks my soul and body don't have the funds for. t doesn't everyone do some sort of version of this? It's an epidemic....
So what can i do? I've got this feeling of wanting to help, yet i'm sitting around quite often dreaming of it rather than doing it. If i were meant to dream my life away and becoming inneffectual, i would not be alive. that also means I'm not meant for death, if I have such a desire to be here and help. That leaves me with one choice: use what i have, build upon my ability to have a great attitude, not get so blazingly butthurt over bullshit and blast off.
But damnit, what comes first? My biggest problem is hesitating, thinking and re-thinking about my stragey and how rto attack it in the right order. hence all this day-dreaming and feeling like i do not have the means to do any of it. Of course I do, but now it can't come from luck and people hammering me til i get up, or handing me shit when they feel sorry for me. You know whyat happens when i earn something or put a lot of work into it? i fight for it. Funny thing though, I've still thrown shit out because of getting into "one of those moods".
So here i am, running myself down. I'm actually happy with myself though. I've drawn myself into experiences on the negative side with the minimum of consequences. Cheap lessons with hard hitting impacts. At this point, those little things aren't going to keep me up at night or keep me inside the house. especially since my last trial in this series is jail for 71 days starting monday. My freedom will be taken for a short while. I doubt that after having noice choice but to waste my time, i shall be seriously dissatisfied with whiling away. I am wondering what sort of interesting things i shall be allowed to do in the name of bettering myself. Heck, even constant reading would be nice. I plan on asking for ones that are for learning purposes, as well as a few of fiction.
So. as far as my current situation, i live with my boyfriend Nathan in an RV in his graqndparents back yard. i shall get a job and go to school when i return. meh, gotta go eat with my family...
Enough random thoughts.
-Megan Jean