back when a ho was a hoe.
So this weekend just proves that you can't go backward, you can't expect things to stay the same. Going to the play...I haven't felt like such an outsider in a really long time. Everyone's life has gone on, my life has gone on & changed. You can't just expect to be able to go back and feel like you did. Theatre was a huge part of my life, a comfort, someplace I felt safe and with people who love me. Now it's just...there. The people are the same and so is what goes on, but nothing else. It's like looking on & watching other people's lives being lived. None of the relationships I had back then are the same now, they're morphed and changed into other things. In some cases better, and in some worse. I miss the people I knew there, I really do. But I'm not sure I fit anymore...I'm really not.
And the strangest thing, I was jealous that other girls were talking to my close friend. That other girls were close with him, were really good friends, who KNOW things about him that he hasn't told me. I just...it was weird. I'm not really sure I know how to handle such things. I never thought that any feelings I had there were legit, but maybe they were. Maybe they were and I was always just ignoring them because we were friends and I didn't want to ruin it. Or maybe I'm just upset b/c I know we're not as close as we used to be and the fact that other girls are taking my place doesn't sit well with me. I don't really know. I guess it'll take some time to figure out.
With another one, I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I almost feel like I'm forcing myself to be interested. He's a good guy. Funny, clever, smart, we're interested in the same things. But I don't get butterflies in my stomach when we talk, I don't feel the urge to see him or talk to him all the time. But at the same time I'm pretty sure I like him. I dunno if it's enough that dating would be an option but it's enough that I like flirting and I enjoy talking to him. With that I'm just waiting to see how things pan out.
A guy I met online is turning out to be kind of interesting. He's got "swagger," which I find both sort of endearing but also a little irritating. Reminds me too much of J & D which reminds me of being made fun of, which reminds me terrible feelings. But he's cute and he seems to like me. At the very least he finds me confusing, funny, and incapable of being straightforward. All of which I guess I'm okay with.
School is turning out to be a bigger burden for me than I thought it would be. I used to really enjoy it. I liked going and I didn't mind the work so much but now I really can't stand it. I started planning out my semester for the fall and it looks bleak. It could be interesting but who knows. I don't know. I'm not even sure how I'll feel next week let alone what I'm going to want to do next semester or for the rest of my life. Stupid. How are we supposed to be able to figure out things like this in our young age? How can anyone expect to be able to know things like this? ughhhhhh.
Spring break, you cannot come fast enough.
And the strangest thing, I was jealous that other girls were talking to my close friend. That other girls were close with him, were really good friends, who KNOW things about him that he hasn't told me. I just...it was weird. I'm not really sure I know how to handle such things. I never thought that any feelings I had there were legit, but maybe they were. Maybe they were and I was always just ignoring them because we were friends and I didn't want to ruin it. Or maybe I'm just upset b/c I know we're not as close as we used to be and the fact that other girls are taking my place doesn't sit well with me. I don't really know. I guess it'll take some time to figure out.
With another one, I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I almost feel like I'm forcing myself to be interested. He's a good guy. Funny, clever, smart, we're interested in the same things. But I don't get butterflies in my stomach when we talk, I don't feel the urge to see him or talk to him all the time. But at the same time I'm pretty sure I like him. I dunno if it's enough that dating would be an option but it's enough that I like flirting and I enjoy talking to him. With that I'm just waiting to see how things pan out.
A guy I met online is turning out to be kind of interesting. He's got "swagger," which I find both sort of endearing but also a little irritating. Reminds me too much of J & D which reminds me of being made fun of, which reminds me terrible feelings. But he's cute and he seems to like me. At the very least he finds me confusing, funny, and incapable of being straightforward. All of which I guess I'm okay with.
School is turning out to be a bigger burden for me than I thought it would be. I used to really enjoy it. I liked going and I didn't mind the work so much but now I really can't stand it. I started planning out my semester for the fall and it looks bleak. It could be interesting but who knows. I don't know. I'm not even sure how I'll feel next week let alone what I'm going to want to do next semester or for the rest of my life. Stupid. How are we supposed to be able to figure out things like this in our young age? How can anyone expect to be able to know things like this? ughhhhhh.
Spring break, you cannot come fast enough.