(no subject)
again with the confusion and the hurt. whenever i feel like things are better i find something to fill the void of pain. or void of ignorance. or void of confusion. maybe that's a better way to explain it. i am unfaithful to myself. i think that's my biggest problem. how i can i be content when i look in the mirror with disgust? i was so over it last night. so over everything and ready to be done. completely done to work on things myself. with him. the only him. then a desperate beep drew me back in. i need to stay away. is it okay to just walk away? with no explanation? with no words? i know who will say that isn't okay but it feels easier. is it even necessary? there are no feelings that are real. i won't allow it. to feel. is a luxury. i can't have right now. why so many sentences? i am so disjointed. tired and moody. i need to sleep. i need to finish my drawings and finish my school work. 3 more weeks. actually 2 and a half. where has the time gone? should i do it before graduation or after? i was angry last night. with who i'm not so sure. but i wanted to hurt in a way i haven't in awhile. to see the thin line of blood form and know i am in control. i hate that. one of the many things i hate... i am unworthy of the love i expect. i have just realized that maybe i expect too much and give too little? of it the other way around? i can't figure things out anymore. i have no energy to do it. i need a vacation and an endless supply of money. i have been disconnected from many of the people that mean the most to me lately. plus i have lost a best friend. why does that sound so high school? maybe because it is. again, i invested more in a relationship than i was getting back. i was reading cosmo last night about how to make a romantic relationship last. it was silly and i don't know why i was reading it but it actually made some sense to me. there were things i saw that were no longer there. i guess if nothing else cosmo made me think(surprise) and i saw my life in another way. the way it once was and the way i hope for it to be again. i am happy, actually, most of the time. i don't feel the tingling hands of depression as much as i used to. i don't cut, though sometimes i wish i did, and i stopped smoking as much as i had been. i still drink and cry and fight for my independence in the most inappropriate ways. i have nothing else to say here and have already extended my allotted lj time.