don't read
i have been crying. silent. watching mtv with tears falling on my hands. i want to sit in the moment and sink into myself but i know i must remain present. available. i am sick to my stomach. i feel like i have lost a part of me. or at least a big part of my life is missing. it's odd how 2 things can seem the same but feel completely different. one absence made me feel more secure in other ways and the other makes me weak and unsure. i have been thinking of things that do not exist. things i know will never be. my mind plays with me. i don't mean this as a cry for help or a way to hurt you more. it sucks and hurts to feel a need for something or someone that has no need for you. i feel clausterphobic in a very open space. again i am full of contradictions and double standards. i feel hands holding me these days that felt like home to me last week but now feel foreign and strange. i need a hot bath. a drink. a cigarette. i am angry but i don't know why. a stranger to myself. i am ugly and unclean. the place i have tried so hard to avoid has found me again. i feel like i am back in seattle. the time i went wandering the city by myself after ballet. i left the theatre and skipped the bus ride. i walked all over. something was pulling me sending me to places i would never have gone alone. should not have gone alone. i did not eat, had not eaten in days. i felt faint and shaky and must have looked fucked up. i needed. i was pulled. grasped by something i have had never let hold me. i walked and i cried. my hands not bothering to wipe the tears. i lost track of time. hours are missing and i'm not sure where i went. i remember vaguely standing at a highway or busy street with grafitti on a run down building behind me and a homeless man to my right staring. i remember feeling so lonely and forgotten. everything was so clear to me about that one moment. i was a small tired girl in the middle of a city too big for her. buildings too smollen with independence and greed. i remember seeing a car pass that was familiar and i almost called out but then i just turned and headed toward home. that's the only real memory i have from that walk. i think i stopped at starbucks at one point and bought coffee i never drank. i lost 10 lbs that week. crazy where i have been in my life. places no one really knows about or realizes are important. i felt so desperate that day. i remember looked at myself during ballet and feeling so sick to my stomach. sick of who i was and what i looked like. i wanted to be anywhere but with myself.