to the COSMOS - return to the real(?) world RANT
could grad. be a horrible mistake?? b/c i find myself staring into the face of a hungry and very self-assured debt monster; green-eyed, salivating, sharpened searing teeth after all and more than i have to heave at it.....
i mean, i got in. yeh! and then...shit.... i don't even know . all this money crap makes me want to just say 'fuck it'. the only reason i'm here anyway is b/c i don't know what to do with my life. so i was an excellent over-achiever. great. i have some nice credentials, and nothing else. there is no place to find work with my pitiful degree. i have a slip of paper to mark the last four remarkable years, but that's..... it.
it is only the connection sto some great friends that have kept me afloat. not to mention reaasurance from parents and a new found love in an unexpected package. it's those kind of things that are supposed to matter anyway. and i finally have a job but i mean..... GOD.... what am i doing!? i get to wear the 'SU student' label, and the campus is gorgeous, and i'm sure i'll be stimulated. yet i have this overwhelming sense..... i haven't been the happiest of people this summer with the move and rampant search for work. so i keep telling myself to relax, things will look better when school starts (more people, classes, things to DO) ..... but i'm like suspended. and while i'm hanging here i get to file paper after paper regarding my undergrad. loans and the request for *gulp* more so that i can attend a school i'm excited about, but in a program i'm not even sure i should be in, not to mention want to be in.
so i pray and pray and everyone keeps saying things to me like "it'll be fine", "don't worry", "you're a smart girl, you'll work something out" and though i appreciate the sentiments and faith the only person who really has to deal with this is me. and i'm in MUSIC. a medium i love but for which there is next to no job opportunities. i mean, i know i already sort of fucked myself. i've forgiven myself for that b/c of who i've become, the people, i've met, the whole college experience, yadda but this is the "next step". it's like high school grad. all over again excpet worse. this time i know a TON more about finances and educating oneself, resources and debt...... i like organization and security in my personal life. not to an anal degree, but so i can f'n sleep - --- it's not happening.
so i'm here now. fighting to keep my head out of the mouth of that hungry drooling beast, tucked against a rock and figuring that someone must have an answer i haven't figured out yet. someone in the great world should know a smart move. is there such a thing even? i hate money. truly it's dirty and nasty, but moreso i hate debt. yet there seems no escape. esp. given the path i've chosen..... i wanted to be happy and i thought i would be. i know that $$ isn't everything. [good lord if it were i'd be done.] the thing is that it greases more than the wheels (like my peace of mind).
i don't know what to do. i just keep making phone calls and struggling to figure it out. pretend the world is bliss or some f'd up notion. while i sit here typing and watering my headache......
i'm just venting so don't feel a need to respond unless you think you may have some gem of wisdom or truth that hasn't already been hurled at me. this is frustrating and the combination of my distaste for money and my general lack of patience... and my seeming absence of knowledge or skill in everything that could be of use to me right now, doesn't help.
if it weren't for the people in my life..... i'm not complaining. i have been incredibly blest thus far. i'm just really lost right now. is music even the right place for me? sure, i love it. it's my blood .... it just may not lead to my bread and water for which a mortal vessel shall hunger. i'm on the line b/t throwing in everything i have and fighting like a mofo and cutting my losses to focus on a plan B. have i worked so hard to be here?
i tell myself to give it a shot at least since i'm here. and i might. i can't lie though, a community college with courses in administration, communications, or production tech. sounds like such a nice difference. less pressure. not the "big university". somehow less expectation to excel (even though it's beyond me not to tap that drive). it's not that i'm making bad decisions, just risky ones in my eyes. the scary truth is that i really can f*ck up my life. even after all i've worked at, and i'm finding that it wouldn't take a whole lot of trying. so i keep slogging forward with what little weapon of defense i have.
how can a person be so incredibly blest and yet so desperate/ seeking at the same time?
and i don't mean that in some outrageous sense b/c i know i'm a lot better off in many ways than other people. i put my faith ultimately in the lord that he wouldn't give me anything i couldn't handle. (though how well is another story) i'm looking for a little peace here. some little push to say "hey, you're doin' the right thing. look, it's working out already." or "you know what, you've done a lot of 'planning' but how about you try something different than your normal approach?" ok, so not in those words, but i think you get the idea.... and if you don't well, none of you should really have read this far anyway.
i'm sure i've talked myself into circles. at least there was some catharsis in it.
g'nite folks.
there is no sarcasm, though a bit of loose irony, when i wish you clarity, peace, and restful sleep.
by the by - i did just have an awesome "weekend" with the b/f. went to a Flogging Molly concert, moshed crazy-like. chilled with some people and pizza. chilled with other people and beer and kibble. entertained some happy bits. there was a movie, ice cream, starbucks, and pool time in there as well. even errands like mail, laundry, and a desk! (to be put together tomorrow if i can find all the right tools) for the record, if it was even a question, i def. enjoy this rather alternate universe much more :)
i mean, i got in. yeh! and then...shit.... i don't even know . all this money crap makes me want to just say 'fuck it'. the only reason i'm here anyway is b/c i don't know what to do with my life. so i was an excellent over-achiever. great. i have some nice credentials, and nothing else. there is no place to find work with my pitiful degree. i have a slip of paper to mark the last four remarkable years, but that's..... it.
it is only the connection sto some great friends that have kept me afloat. not to mention reaasurance from parents and a new found love in an unexpected package. it's those kind of things that are supposed to matter anyway. and i finally have a job but i mean..... GOD.... what am i doing!? i get to wear the 'SU student' label, and the campus is gorgeous, and i'm sure i'll be stimulated. yet i have this overwhelming sense..... i haven't been the happiest of people this summer with the move and rampant search for work. so i keep telling myself to relax, things will look better when school starts (more people, classes, things to DO) ..... but i'm like suspended. and while i'm hanging here i get to file paper after paper regarding my undergrad. loans and the request for *gulp* more so that i can attend a school i'm excited about, but in a program i'm not even sure i should be in, not to mention want to be in.
so i pray and pray and everyone keeps saying things to me like "it'll be fine", "don't worry", "you're a smart girl, you'll work something out" and though i appreciate the sentiments and faith the only person who really has to deal with this is me. and i'm in MUSIC. a medium i love but for which there is next to no job opportunities. i mean, i know i already sort of fucked myself. i've forgiven myself for that b/c of who i've become, the people, i've met, the whole college experience, yadda but this is the "next step". it's like high school grad. all over again excpet worse. this time i know a TON more about finances and educating oneself, resources and debt...... i like organization and security in my personal life. not to an anal degree, but so i can f'n sleep - --- it's not happening.
so i'm here now. fighting to keep my head out of the mouth of that hungry drooling beast, tucked against a rock and figuring that someone must have an answer i haven't figured out yet. someone in the great world should know a smart move. is there such a thing even? i hate money. truly it's dirty and nasty, but moreso i hate debt. yet there seems no escape. esp. given the path i've chosen..... i wanted to be happy and i thought i would be. i know that $$ isn't everything. [good lord if it were i'd be done.] the thing is that it greases more than the wheels (like my peace of mind).
i don't know what to do. i just keep making phone calls and struggling to figure it out. pretend the world is bliss or some f'd up notion. while i sit here typing and watering my headache......
i'm just venting so don't feel a need to respond unless you think you may have some gem of wisdom or truth that hasn't already been hurled at me. this is frustrating and the combination of my distaste for money and my general lack of patience... and my seeming absence of knowledge or skill in everything that could be of use to me right now, doesn't help.
if it weren't for the people in my life..... i'm not complaining. i have been incredibly blest thus far. i'm just really lost right now. is music even the right place for me? sure, i love it. it's my blood .... it just may not lead to my bread and water for which a mortal vessel shall hunger. i'm on the line b/t throwing in everything i have and fighting like a mofo and cutting my losses to focus on a plan B. have i worked so hard to be here?
i tell myself to give it a shot at least since i'm here. and i might. i can't lie though, a community college with courses in administration, communications, or production tech. sounds like such a nice difference. less pressure. not the "big university". somehow less expectation to excel (even though it's beyond me not to tap that drive). it's not that i'm making bad decisions, just risky ones in my eyes. the scary truth is that i really can f*ck up my life. even after all i've worked at, and i'm finding that it wouldn't take a whole lot of trying. so i keep slogging forward with what little weapon of defense i have.
how can a person be so incredibly blest and yet so desperate/ seeking at the same time?
and i don't mean that in some outrageous sense b/c i know i'm a lot better off in many ways than other people. i put my faith ultimately in the lord that he wouldn't give me anything i couldn't handle. (though how well is another story) i'm looking for a little peace here. some little push to say "hey, you're doin' the right thing. look, it's working out already." or "you know what, you've done a lot of 'planning' but how about you try something different than your normal approach?" ok, so not in those words, but i think you get the idea.... and if you don't well, none of you should really have read this far anyway.
i'm sure i've talked myself into circles. at least there was some catharsis in it.
g'nite folks.
there is no sarcasm, though a bit of loose irony, when i wish you clarity, peace, and restful sleep.
by the by - i did just have an awesome "weekend" with the b/f. went to a Flogging Molly concert, moshed crazy-like. chilled with some people and pizza. chilled with other people and beer and kibble. entertained some happy bits. there was a movie, ice cream, starbucks, and pool time in there as well. even errands like mail, laundry, and a desk! (to be put together tomorrow if i can find all the right tools) for the record, if it was even a question, i def. enjoy this rather alternate universe much more :)