Ramblings in the dark
Do things happen for a reason? Is there some greater power looking at us, watching, moving chess pieces around a game board with us as its pawns? Does it have a plan? Does it understand what it is doing? Or is everything just a collection of random happenings, no reason, no explanation… just us existing, making choices, and living with the consequences?
What should I do? What should I say? What should I be? What is going on?
Is it ever going to get better? Will I finally be able to connect to someone else, to find the one person who will make it all better for me…no I shouldn’t be looking for someone to make my life easier? I need to do it for myself…but I just want to find someone who understands, who knows what I’m going through.
Depression can be a hard psychosis to navigate. One minute I’m fine…because for just one second I can forget all the evil I have lived through. For one second I was never sexually abused as a child or raped…for one bright shinning moment my brother is still alive and laughing with me.
One moment…humm.
Denial can be a bitch too. Its what your mind does so you can forget for a little while. Hell, it hid my rape from me until I was 16. I was washing dishes on night, humming a song to myself, then BAM! It all came flooding back to me. How they both held me down… I was only 5…so my brain hid it from me until I could deal with it…But in the back of my mind I still knew…so little by little I ate more and more till I look the way I look now. It was a defense mechanism; If I wasn’t as pretty as I was back then, then no one would hurt me again. Now no guy will look at me like a potential girlfriend, I’m just the fat chick or just the nice girl, the one who is always smiling and is willing to help others with their problems. Self hatred can suck too.
Then there’s self doubt. Do I really have friends or are they just humoring me. Do they forget about me when I leave the room, do they even remember me.
My mind is all in a jumble of thoughts and pain, memories and anger. It’s a psychotic playground in here.
When will it all stop and let me be at peace. Don’t misunderstand that last line. I’m not about to kill myself. I’m not that stupid or desperate to stop the pain. There’s still the logical part of my brain that keeps me going.
Now I’m just going to be for a little while. I’m going to try and meditate through this for a little while. Who knows It could help.