(no subject)
yeah..its been awhile since my last update. alot if shit has been going on in my fucked up life. and im starting to feel the stress. fuck.where do i start?..Last week all i did was fight with my family. i didnt talk to them for 4 days. school..home..room. that was it. i thought about alot of stuff in all that time sitting in darkness in my room. life.death.all that fun stuff. Its weird. how life ends up fucking us all. and we just have to make the best out of it.on monday i flew out to arizona to spend the week with my bro. it was nice. i got away from all the bullshit..my house my family and the fucked up people in this world. we chilled up in his house wayy up in the mountains with nobody around.Peaceful. i thought alot up there too. On thursday night i called my gf cuz i hadnt talked to her in a few days and i missed her really bad. i was in a pretty good mood. we talk and she informs me that while she was at the grad she was dancing with guys. i did not know she was gonna do this. i thought she was just gonna go chill cuz she had a bf and shit. fuck. im a jellous person. ill be the first to admit it. i mean that is my weakness. i give my heart away and it gets fucked around with. i duno why i do it. i havent talked to her since then. i dont want to. its just like im fucking hurt over it..i was pist at first but now its just more of a hurt. and when i think of it..her up that close to another guy.freak dancing or whatever the fuck u call it..it just makes me wanna fucking kill people. kill the guys and others..i duno. it fucked me up pretty good. sent me over the edge. since that day i've been getting really depressed everynight again. its just like i have nobody anymore. i always seem to get hurt or mad or jellous. the only person that dosent do this to me is myself. i duno. i have talked to people about her and danceing and shit..and some say they would do the same as me..and some say that i need to get over it..but to me its a big fucking deal. its a trust thing. its a respect thing..once you fuck up..thats it..your gonna have a hell of a time getting it back..no matter what you thought..and i dont sit here saying this just for the hell of it..it fucking hurts me alot. people will never understand me..people think they know me. nobody does. i only know the animal that lives inside my mind. i dont get people anymore. i dont try to understand them. im just trying to live life.day by day. i think about suicide almost nightly. i mean..i wont ever commit suicide. im not man enough.it scares the hell out of me. i have friends that are suicidal and will do it. i think about it..and what would happen if i did it or if they did it. its fuckin weird. darkness. eternal darkness.no god nothing. just death and dark. this feeeling sucks. the feeling of something inside of you. a black hole. just sucking all your feelings out..all your internal organs are sucked away. and you cant escape this. no matter what you think of. it just goes on and on. you cry out for help....nobody responds... you give up hope.
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