Utakata [Transience] - NaoxShin - 4/4 -END-
Title: Utakata
Author: silveryxdark @ arcoireis
Rating: PG/PG-13?
Genre: Romance, fluff, minor angst
Warning: Manxman, possible romantic cliches etc.
Disclaimer: I will never own them. D:
Summary: Life is ephemeral and seasons continue their stately march. Time passes by, waiting for no one, but Shin waits.
A/N: Finally, it's done. As always, dedicated to granitemouth <3
[HARU] [NATSU] [AKI]
Winter.
Most trees are dead and brown, mere spectres of their past lives during the other nine or so months of the year. In some parts, snow starts to fall, in minuscule flakes and in cold swirls. In others, snow does not come so early. Breezes, far cooler than those in autumn, begin to blow. The air is thick with sleep and death, an ending of life - and, for some, a new beginning.
It comes in a breeze too cold, trees too stark and nights too lonely. Some try to liven it up, battling the freezing nights with strings of glittering neon lights and popular holiday songs. Others escape the bleakness of the season with their work for the single, and family members for the rest. They eat and laugh, hearts linked and warm.
Some few are alone.
Shin is alone.
It has, he realises, been almost a year. Ten months, two weeks and four days since Nao left. Some days he nearly forgets, but he could never quite do it, no. Loneliness is always a hard thing to bear, and in any case, he can only rely on his memories, achingly beautiful and all too fleeting, to keep him from despair.
He can remember beautiful smiles and melodious laughter, gentle caresses and the way a soft exhalation tickles against the shell of his ear. And gods, he misses Nao. Nao could liven up even the very dreariest of winters, or any other day. Shin can recall his bright laugh and an invitation to the hot springs, and once, a dare to dress like it's still summer. Shin remembers his own laughter in response, half-hearted declinations and eventually taking up the dare.
It might not have been a year, yet, but it seems like it has been a painfully long time. After all, life with him was like living with the personification of sunshine. Not the harsh rays of noontime, but rather, the gentle light of dawn, its warmth like a lover's.
Shin misses that very warmth.
It seems so long ago.
The memories are as clear as though they happened the day before. Shin first saw it in winter, a month or two after his birthday, then. Nao was as warm and loving as always, but Shin could sense a certain restlessness in him - a sort of yearning, pulling him away from Shin.
Most people would assume that meant Nao was cheating on him.
But Shin knew better. He suspected he knew Nao even better than he did himself, and he almost wished he did not.
He broached the topic on a cold November night, when Nao was holding him in bed to keep them both warm. "You want to leave, don't you?" he asked quietly, the words a murmur against his neck.
He felt Nao's arm tense slightly around him, and he knew it as a reluctant admission. "Shin..." Nao whispered, sounding uncertain.
"I know, Naoran. I can feel it. That... call of travel. It's calling you back, isn't it?" Shin replied softly, his fingers tightening their grip on Nao's own. "And here I am, holding you down."
Nao stiffened. "Not that, never that. You aren't holding me down. It's never you, Shin!" he said, sounding upset and confused.
Shin looked up into Nao's face and saw the hurt clearly etched there, the fear and confusion. He saw the way Nao bit his bottom lip, in some ways looking like a child. A pang of guilt hit Shin, and he reached up to kiss those lips he loved so well.
Nao kissed him back with a kind of desperation, clinging onto him, ever so afraid. Shin pulled away slightly, stroking his jaw, and closed his eyes.
"God, Nao, you're a free spirit. You were never meant to stay. I know that. And you know that best of all. So don't feel guilty for that," he murmured against his jaw.
A humourless chuckle escaped Nao's lips. "Yes, but... I have you now, Shin. You're more important to me than anything else. I don't want to leave you."
"But, you don't want to stay either. Not in Japan, least of all Tokyo. Am I right?" Shin said.
There was silence for a while, a silence that stretched long and awkward. Finally, Nao gave a near-imperceptible nod and added hesitantly, "That's right. But, Shinpei..."
"Mm?"
A spark of hope lit up in Nao's brown eyes, his voice turning eager and hopeful. "I want you to come with me. Can you?"
Shin knew the answer before it touched his lips. He barely had to think about it. He looked up into Nao's glimmering gaze and, hating himself in that moment, shook his head.
The hope died - almost. The faintest of sparks yet remained, but still Shin could tell that Nao was disappointed. To know that he was the one causing that scarily uncharacteristic sadness - ah, it hurt Shin, too. He knew, beyond a shadow of doubt, that he would hardly be happy jetsetting.
"Well, Shin, I guess... you were meant to stay here. Rooted to your homeland. Not... not like me, huh?" Nao mused. "I know you'll be happy staying. So don't feel guilty for that either. But... I just hoped that... maybe..."
"I'm sorry," Shin responded. "I wouldn't be happy flying all over the place. I need a home I can go back to at the end of the day. Even with you... I... I don't think I could cope."
Nao sighed, a sad smile on his lips. "Funny how we're so different, isn't it? And yet... it feels like we were meant to be together. Right?"
This time his smile was true, and Shin returned it. He felt exactly the same - he felt complete with him, like everything was simply right with him. There was no other way to put it, to him.
Nao pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Remember what Isshi said that time?"
"You mean, about the akai ito?" Shin said, and nodded as Nao smiled at him.
Of course he remembered. On the day after his birthday, they had all been out having dinner and Isshi remarked that he felt like there was a red string of fate connecting the two of them. There was, he said, no one else who could be as right for them as each other. They had both blushed and smiled, both agreeing with Isshi's astute words.
"Naoran, if... when you go, you'll come back to me, won't you?" Shin asked after a few moments, although he thought that he knew the answer already.
"Of course I will, Shin. You'll wait for me, then, right?" Nao asked, his thumb caressing Shin's jaw.
Shin gave a soft laugh. "You know I will, love."
Nao's hold on Shin's waist tightened, and a breath tickled Shin's fringe. Slowly, Nao's lips traveled down Shin's face, past his cheek and down to his lips, capturing them in a gentle, loving kiss. Shin's fingers curled in his lover's hair, a soft sigh of pleasure falling from his mouth. He could sense Nao's worry, and how he wanted to kiss it all away and make him feel better. Nao seemed nearly fragile and insecure now, so unlike the Nao that Shin usually knew.
"Don't be afraid, Naoran," Shin whispered, pulling back. "It's okay."
Nao closed his eyes, saying slowly, "I really don't want to lose you, Shin. But... travel - that's in my very bones. I've known it, done it my entire life. I've been moving around since I was a little kid and I've simply never really known a real home, you know? Even my family home was little more than a place to stop by, like a hotel. I never felt rooted to somewhere - till I met you. But now I feel that desire to see the world coming back to me. Only... This time, I wish I could do it with you."
"Just do it alone again, then," Shin said firmly but gently. "I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to tie you down either. But just remember that you have a home here. You've got me to come back to. So come back whenever you want."
"I'll always come back home to you, Shinpei," Nao replied, opening his eyes.
Shin disengaged himself from Nao's warm arms and climbed atop him. Weaving his fingers through Nao's silky locks, he bent down and kissed his cheek, asking in a whisper, "Tell me, Naoran, where's everywhere you've been to? Where else do you want to go? What else do you want to see? I want to know..."
As they kissed and caressed each other, Nao told him, in between breathy sighs and soft moans of pleasure. He told him of little-known towns in Japan itself that Shin had practically not known existed, of neighbouring countries Shin had visited for short whiles in his younger days, of faraway nations Shin had never seen and only heard about.
Nao told him, too, of the places he wished to visit, of all the foreign climes he had to get accustomed to along with the traditions of those places he was interested in. Some of them were so far that it felt like Nao could not possibly return - like little towns in America and tiny nations in Europe and Africa. They seemed like they were a frighteningly long distance away, really.
Nao, however, tracing a rough map of the world on Shin's torso, kissed the length of it and promised that he would come back, if only Shin himself would wait. Shin promised him that. Nao smiled at him, hopeful and ever so gentle, kissing him again and again, down his chest and along his sensitive spine, both of them laughing softly.
Later, as they both lay warm and sated in each other's arms, Shin finally said, "Thank you."
"For?"
"Everything, these few years. For staying with me for so long. For loving me. Thank you," Shin murmured. "Whenever you leave - I'll wait."
"Thank you, too. I'll return," Nao said, holding Shin's hand tightly.
Shin smiled at him. "And... Shin? Whenever it is you decide to go - don't tell me. Don't leave while I'm here. Don't make me see you off or something like that. Just... don't."
Nao stared at him. "Why not?"
Shin sighed, kissing his lips briefly. "I'm scared I won't be able to let you go then."
"You really want me to do that? Leave while you're not at home or something?"
"Or maybe while I'm asleep. Something like that. Anything but... while I'm home. I don't want to see you leave. I couldn't bear it, Nao. I might be able to let you go, but not so completely. Not like that," he replied. "Gods. I'm such a coward, aren't I, Naoran?"
Nao nodded. "Not that, love. You aren't. Then, I promise you. I guess... I feel the same. I couldn't leave, seeing you like that too. But I won't leave so soon, alright? You can trust me on that count."
"I know," Shin murmured drowsily. "Thank you."
Over the next month or so, then, there was an unspoken agreement not to tell their friends about Nao's imminent departure. Shin knew they would not understand, and would, most likely, try to dissuade Nao from leaving. But Nao would leave anyway, and they would be angry. Shin thought he might as well keep it from them.
Shin supposed he had come to accept Nao's eventual flight, as much as he did not quite want to. Throughout their apartment, he saw practically no signs of Nao's departure. There was nothing that Nao owned which he began to pack, nor were there documents for travel left lying around the house.
Sometimes, even he forgot that Nao would leave him in time.
Or perhaps, he wanted to ignore the little signs there. He slowly began to notice how fewer of Nao's clothes hung in the closet, but still, several of his daily outfits remained at home. He rarely ventured into the guest room, but when he did to clean it, he would spot a suitcase peeking out from under the bed - and over the next month, spotted yet another, badly hidden under the desk.
He never mentioned them, not quite wanting to cement Nao's departure in his mind then. Nao mentioned them occasionally, but they were ever fleeting mentions, and they never dwelled long on them. Nao would always smile at him, encouraging him to smile. Always, he said that there was no point thinking about the future when you lived in the present, and it was all you had to treasure.
So Shin followed that advice, trying his best to love, to enjoy life as it had been, trying not to think about how Nao would, surely, soon go. Nao's kisses and touches were as warm and loving as ever, and he cherished them even more. Every time Nao was not home, he would replay those memories in his mind, keeping those bits of happiness close to his heart.
Nao finally left sometime in the early hours of the morning after his birthday.
That birthday had been slightly bittersweet, something celebrated by going to a hanami party early in the morning, somewhere further up north, before making it back to Tokyo by evening. It was still winter in Tokyo, then. Later, at home, Shin had cooked Nao dinner, and the two of them ate happily, chatting and laughing and kissing.
Shin could sense, in every kiss, a longing and urge to hold on. Making love that night had been slow and gentle, filled with that same deep love and passion they always had. Shin treasured each and every second of it, suspecting that he would not see Nao in the morning.
"Thank you for this birthday. I love you so much, Shin," Nao whispered after they had finished, brushing away strands of hair from Shin's face.
Shin smiled drowsily at him. "Happy birthday. I love you, too, Nao."
Nao smiled at him, and held him tightly as Shin drifted off into sleep, their fingers tightly clasped together. Shin dreamt that night of the day itself, of Nao's bright laughter and his achingly sweet smile.
When he awoke, there was no Nao next to him. There was no scent of breakfast cooking from the kitchen, nor the sound of running water from the shower. There was nothing but silence, and him.
Shin fought back tears, gripping the sheets. Ignoring the soreness of his body, he sat up and looked around him. It looked the same - painfully so. He turned to Nao's side of the bed, messy as though someone had indeed slept in it, and his eyes lingered on the folded piece of paper on the pillow, with his name written in Nao's familiar scrawl.
He reached out and picked it up, opening it. His gaze fixated on the words, large and almost like a child's, just like Nao himself.
Shin,
I think, by now, I would be gone. I have to catch an early flight, and I guess, leaving like this is for the best. It's the way we would both have left - otherwise, I don't think we would have been able to let go of each other.
I still wish you could have come back, but I am as free a spirit as you are rooted to your home. I don't really know how long I'll be gone. But I'll come back. I'll see you in time. And I won't forget your birthday, okay? You've given me so many wonderful birthdays, so many wonderful memories. I want to continue making memories with you.
Thank you for everything you have given me, Shin. All these years, you've been so loving and understanding. I've found a home with you, Shin. And now you've let me go, and I am grateful to you. I couldn't find anyone else like you. That red thread will always connect us, Shin. I believe that.
I will come back, love. Just wait for me. I promise to return. I love you so much.
Nao
In that moment, Shin was not sure whether to laugh or cry.
Even now, when he looks at the letter, he does not know whether to laugh or cry. Laugh, because he trusts Nao so much, and knows that he will come back to him somehow. Cry, because his heart aches and he just wishes to see Nao, to have him come back home to him.
He does neither as he rereads the letter, the edges slightly frayed from the constant handling, the creases in the paper ever so slightly torn from unfolding and folding it. His eyes linger on the last few words.
I love you so much.
His own feelings have never changed. He carefully folds up the letter, placing it lovingly on the dresser, where the box of leaves he received for his birthday similarly resides. He stares at it, and smiles slightly, fingering the jagged edge of one leaf. So, so much like Nao.
His phone rings, and he reaches into his pocket to get it. The name on the cover is Akiya's, and he answers it after a moment.
"Hey, Shin. Merry Christmas eve! I hope you've gotten ready," Akiya says cheerily.
"Hm?" Shin mumbles, looking at the clock.
Right, Christmas eve. They are planning to go out for dinner and drinks before having a video games marathon at Izumi's. They will stay over and hand out presents to each other the next morning. He smiles slightly.
"You didn't forget, did you?" Akiya says teasingly.
Shin grins into the receiver. "No, I didn't. I was... thinking, that's all. I'll be there soon. See you guys."
Akiya says nothing for a second, then he replies, "Sure. Be there in about ten minutes. Bye!"
The line goes dead, and Shin closes the phone. He knows that his three friends have never quite forgiven Nao for simply leaving like that, no matter how much Shin explained and tried to make them understand. There are times when they still ask him how he could accept Nao's departure like that, and his only response was that he trusted Nao to come back. He has long given up explaining things to them.
Shin is quick to take a shower and change. He looks at his birthday gift and the letter for a while longer, before grabbing his wallet and phone, along with his friends presents in a bag, and heading out. He takes a cab to the restaurant where they are, and finds only Izumi there. He smiles and waves to him before sitting down.
Izumi beams at him. "You're early. I thought Akiya would arrive before you, he just called to say that he was arriving."
"Yeah? Me too. I'm not usually so early, am I?" Shin remarks, laughing softly.
"Pfft, you never are," Akiya says loudly from behind them. "There was a traffic jam, and the bus was really slow. So I got off at the previous stop and ran here. Isshi's late though."
"He's probably spending his time trying to look good," Izumi chortles, and the next few minutes is spent with laughter and jokes.
Isshi arrives soon after, decked out in his newest clothes. They tease him, laughing together, and Shin joins in. As much as he misses Nao's presence, he has these friends of his to cherish. They've always been with him, even if they have never loved him the way Nao does. He has that to thank them for.
"Come on, let's order our food. And then we can go for drinks, yeah?" Isshi says smoothly, ignoring the jibes at him.
Dinner is had, with the same camaraderie they have shared for decades. Shin basks in it, laughing along. Still a part of him aches, wondering still when Nao will return to him, but he does not dwell on that. The food and atmosphere are both good, and he lets himself relax with them.
Winter does not seem quite so bleak, then.
After an hour, they have eaten their fill. Isshi treats them, and Shin decides to step out for a moment, wanting to be alone just for a little while. Wind hits him in the face, messing up his hair. Thankfully, his thick jacket serves to provide some protection from the harsh cold, but it's still rather uncomfortable.
He keeps his head down, thoughts swirling with thoughts of Nao. How is he spending this Christmas Eve? Alone, or with his foreign friends? In a similar cold climate, or in some southern country where it is summer and not winter? A little voice in his head wonders, too, if Nao is thinking of him.
Shin hears the click of the restaurant doors behind him, and then -
"Shin!"
He looks up, body tensing. That voice. Painfully familiar, as sweet and lilting as ever, just as he remembers. He spots a familiar violet windbreaker, and brown locks whipping about a face he recalls so, so well, and loves so much.
"Naoran..." he whispers, swallowing.
Before he knows it, he is running, wild and free and without a thought for anything, anyone else. His feet take him towards Nao, luggage lying in a messy heap on the floor, and with a breathless sob he runs into his arms, knowing that yes, he is back, and as warm and real as he remembers him.
"You're back," Shin says, fighting not to cry. "Naoran, you're back."
"I am, love. I'm right here," Nao says, his own voice quivering. "I told you I would come home."
Shin looks up, fingers caressing the shape of his face. "Gods, Nao, I'm not dreaming, am I?"
Nao laughs softly, and swoops down, kissing Shin fervently. Shin clings on, drinking in that taste he has missed so, so much. His fingers tangle in locks of smooth brown hair, fingering those familiar strands. This kiss is as sweet as any memory and yet so much more - for it is real, real and tangible and warm.
Finally, Nao pulls away, breathless, tears shining in his eyes. A smile curves his lips, his own hands tracing Shin's face as though he, too, finds it hard to believe that Shin is there as well. Shin lets out a peal of laughter, the first real laugh of truest happiness in this time since Nao left.
"You really are back..."
They turn around, and see Akiya standing there, with Isshi and Izumi flanking him. They look surprised as well, though Shin spots a little smile playing at the corners of Isshi's lips. Akiya's eyes dart from Nao and then back to Shin, before going back to Nao, gaze lingering.
"Nao, I swear. If you ever, ever leave Shin like that again - if you break his heart again - I swear I will hunt you down," Akiya says, though with no real venom in his voice.
"I don't think I will," Nao replies with a bright grin, holding Shin's hand tightly. "I'm home after all."
"Well!" Izumi says, smiling now. "I guess that means that you aren't coming back with us. You two must have a lot to catch up to, right? Merry Christmas, then. We'll see you soon."
"Hold on," Shin says, beaming. "Here. Your presents."
He hands the wrapped boxes to his friends, who thank him gratefully. Their presents to him are, apparently, at Izumi's place, but as Isshi puts it, "Your greatest present is right here with you anyway."
They leave Shin alone with Nao on the pavement, hands clasped tightly and looking at each other. "So..." Shin begins curiously. "How come you're here?"
Nao scratches at his head with a chuckle. "You see, I wanted to take a taxi home from the airport and give you a surprise, but there was a bit of a traffic jam so I got off over there, and wanted to walk further down the road and get another taxi. And then... here you are, Shin."
"You haven't changed much," Shin remarks.
"Huh?"
Shin grins. "You're rambling on, as usual."
Again, he tiptoes and kisses Nao, not caring if anyone will see. It doesn't matter to him anymore. Only the fact that Nao is back with him is all that he cares about, now. His love has returned to him.
"H-hey, Shin," Nao says with a breathy laugh as he pulls away. "Let's go home, shall we?"
Shin beams, and takes his hand. When they reach home, they collapse onto their bed in a fervent mess of kisses and touches. Nao relates to him his tales of adventure with loving kisses pressed to his skin, and Shin listens with giggles and moans. Nao is still the same, physically older but still like a child in some ways, and definitely more adult in some others.
Shin loves this about him.
Shin loves everything about him.
When they lie together afterwards, basking in the sweet afterglow of sex, Nao holds Shin tightly to him. Those arms are, perhaps, a little more muscular, and the skin is a little rougher, his once-smooth fingertips calloused. Shin takes his time getting used to them. They've all changed a little bit.
"Shinpei, I promise you - I won't leave you ever again," Nao murmurs at last.
"Are you sure?" Shin whispers.
"I'm happy so long as I'm with you. Anyway... I'm getting pretty old, and I want to grow older with you," Nao says with a laugh. "I love you, Shin."
"Love you too, Nao," Shin responds with a brief kiss to Nao's lips.
Nao smiles, arms warm and secure around Shin's body, protective and ever loving. Shin cuddles against him, reveling in that warmth. The scent of Nao's skin is wonderfully familiar, and the feel of Nao's muscles beneath his fingertips is still the same. He is glad that Nao is home.
Shin goes to sleep with a smile on his face. He knows that, in the morning, Nao is going to be there.
So. After much delay, I have finally finished this piece of work. I have a lot of feelings towards this - my first real Kagrra, fic, the conceptualisation and drafting of which took place when I first fell in love with Kagrra,. And today, just a day before their final live, I've ended it. This fanfic means so, so much to me. I can only hope that it was an enjoyable read to all of you, and that it touched you, too, the way it did when I began writing this. Thank you.
Author: silveryxdark @ arcoireis
Rating: PG/PG-13?
Genre: Romance, fluff, minor angst
Warning: Manxman, possible romantic cliches etc.
Disclaimer: I will never own them. D:
Summary: Life is ephemeral and seasons continue their stately march. Time passes by, waiting for no one, but Shin waits.
A/N: Finally, it's done. As always, dedicated to granitemouth <3
[HARU] [NATSU] [AKI]
Winter.
Most trees are dead and brown, mere spectres of their past lives during the other nine or so months of the year. In some parts, snow starts to fall, in minuscule flakes and in cold swirls. In others, snow does not come so early. Breezes, far cooler than those in autumn, begin to blow. The air is thick with sleep and death, an ending of life - and, for some, a new beginning.
It comes in a breeze too cold, trees too stark and nights too lonely. Some try to liven it up, battling the freezing nights with strings of glittering neon lights and popular holiday songs. Others escape the bleakness of the season with their work for the single, and family members for the rest. They eat and laugh, hearts linked and warm.
Some few are alone.
Shin is alone.
It has, he realises, been almost a year. Ten months, two weeks and four days since Nao left. Some days he nearly forgets, but he could never quite do it, no. Loneliness is always a hard thing to bear, and in any case, he can only rely on his memories, achingly beautiful and all too fleeting, to keep him from despair.
He can remember beautiful smiles and melodious laughter, gentle caresses and the way a soft exhalation tickles against the shell of his ear. And gods, he misses Nao. Nao could liven up even the very dreariest of winters, or any other day. Shin can recall his bright laugh and an invitation to the hot springs, and once, a dare to dress like it's still summer. Shin remembers his own laughter in response, half-hearted declinations and eventually taking up the dare.
It might not have been a year, yet, but it seems like it has been a painfully long time. After all, life with him was like living with the personification of sunshine. Not the harsh rays of noontime, but rather, the gentle light of dawn, its warmth like a lover's.
Shin misses that very warmth.
It seems so long ago.
The memories are as clear as though they happened the day before. Shin first saw it in winter, a month or two after his birthday, then. Nao was as warm and loving as always, but Shin could sense a certain restlessness in him - a sort of yearning, pulling him away from Shin.
Most people would assume that meant Nao was cheating on him.
But Shin knew better. He suspected he knew Nao even better than he did himself, and he almost wished he did not.
He broached the topic on a cold November night, when Nao was holding him in bed to keep them both warm. "You want to leave, don't you?" he asked quietly, the words a murmur against his neck.
He felt Nao's arm tense slightly around him, and he knew it as a reluctant admission. "Shin..." Nao whispered, sounding uncertain.
"I know, Naoran. I can feel it. That... call of travel. It's calling you back, isn't it?" Shin replied softly, his fingers tightening their grip on Nao's own. "And here I am, holding you down."
Nao stiffened. "Not that, never that. You aren't holding me down. It's never you, Shin!" he said, sounding upset and confused.
Shin looked up into Nao's face and saw the hurt clearly etched there, the fear and confusion. He saw the way Nao bit his bottom lip, in some ways looking like a child. A pang of guilt hit Shin, and he reached up to kiss those lips he loved so well.
Nao kissed him back with a kind of desperation, clinging onto him, ever so afraid. Shin pulled away slightly, stroking his jaw, and closed his eyes.
"God, Nao, you're a free spirit. You were never meant to stay. I know that. And you know that best of all. So don't feel guilty for that," he murmured against his jaw.
A humourless chuckle escaped Nao's lips. "Yes, but... I have you now, Shin. You're more important to me than anything else. I don't want to leave you."
"But, you don't want to stay either. Not in Japan, least of all Tokyo. Am I right?" Shin said.
There was silence for a while, a silence that stretched long and awkward. Finally, Nao gave a near-imperceptible nod and added hesitantly, "That's right. But, Shinpei..."
"Mm?"
A spark of hope lit up in Nao's brown eyes, his voice turning eager and hopeful. "I want you to come with me. Can you?"
Shin knew the answer before it touched his lips. He barely had to think about it. He looked up into Nao's glimmering gaze and, hating himself in that moment, shook his head.
The hope died - almost. The faintest of sparks yet remained, but still Shin could tell that Nao was disappointed. To know that he was the one causing that scarily uncharacteristic sadness - ah, it hurt Shin, too. He knew, beyond a shadow of doubt, that he would hardly be happy jetsetting.
"Well, Shin, I guess... you were meant to stay here. Rooted to your homeland. Not... not like me, huh?" Nao mused. "I know you'll be happy staying. So don't feel guilty for that either. But... I just hoped that... maybe..."
"I'm sorry," Shin responded. "I wouldn't be happy flying all over the place. I need a home I can go back to at the end of the day. Even with you... I... I don't think I could cope."
Nao sighed, a sad smile on his lips. "Funny how we're so different, isn't it? And yet... it feels like we were meant to be together. Right?"
This time his smile was true, and Shin returned it. He felt exactly the same - he felt complete with him, like everything was simply right with him. There was no other way to put it, to him.
Nao pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Remember what Isshi said that time?"
"You mean, about the akai ito?" Shin said, and nodded as Nao smiled at him.
Of course he remembered. On the day after his birthday, they had all been out having dinner and Isshi remarked that he felt like there was a red string of fate connecting the two of them. There was, he said, no one else who could be as right for them as each other. They had both blushed and smiled, both agreeing with Isshi's astute words.
"Naoran, if... when you go, you'll come back to me, won't you?" Shin asked after a few moments, although he thought that he knew the answer already.
"Of course I will, Shin. You'll wait for me, then, right?" Nao asked, his thumb caressing Shin's jaw.
Shin gave a soft laugh. "You know I will, love."
Nao's hold on Shin's waist tightened, and a breath tickled Shin's fringe. Slowly, Nao's lips traveled down Shin's face, past his cheek and down to his lips, capturing them in a gentle, loving kiss. Shin's fingers curled in his lover's hair, a soft sigh of pleasure falling from his mouth. He could sense Nao's worry, and how he wanted to kiss it all away and make him feel better. Nao seemed nearly fragile and insecure now, so unlike the Nao that Shin usually knew.
"Don't be afraid, Naoran," Shin whispered, pulling back. "It's okay."
Nao closed his eyes, saying slowly, "I really don't want to lose you, Shin. But... travel - that's in my very bones. I've known it, done it my entire life. I've been moving around since I was a little kid and I've simply never really known a real home, you know? Even my family home was little more than a place to stop by, like a hotel. I never felt rooted to somewhere - till I met you. But now I feel that desire to see the world coming back to me. Only... This time, I wish I could do it with you."
"Just do it alone again, then," Shin said firmly but gently. "I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to tie you down either. But just remember that you have a home here. You've got me to come back to. So come back whenever you want."
"I'll always come back home to you, Shinpei," Nao replied, opening his eyes.
Shin disengaged himself from Nao's warm arms and climbed atop him. Weaving his fingers through Nao's silky locks, he bent down and kissed his cheek, asking in a whisper, "Tell me, Naoran, where's everywhere you've been to? Where else do you want to go? What else do you want to see? I want to know..."
As they kissed and caressed each other, Nao told him, in between breathy sighs and soft moans of pleasure. He told him of little-known towns in Japan itself that Shin had practically not known existed, of neighbouring countries Shin had visited for short whiles in his younger days, of faraway nations Shin had never seen and only heard about.
Nao told him, too, of the places he wished to visit, of all the foreign climes he had to get accustomed to along with the traditions of those places he was interested in. Some of them were so far that it felt like Nao could not possibly return - like little towns in America and tiny nations in Europe and Africa. They seemed like they were a frighteningly long distance away, really.
Nao, however, tracing a rough map of the world on Shin's torso, kissed the length of it and promised that he would come back, if only Shin himself would wait. Shin promised him that. Nao smiled at him, hopeful and ever so gentle, kissing him again and again, down his chest and along his sensitive spine, both of them laughing softly.
Later, as they both lay warm and sated in each other's arms, Shin finally said, "Thank you."
"For?"
"Everything, these few years. For staying with me for so long. For loving me. Thank you," Shin murmured. "Whenever you leave - I'll wait."
"Thank you, too. I'll return," Nao said, holding Shin's hand tightly.
Shin smiled at him. "And... Shin? Whenever it is you decide to go - don't tell me. Don't leave while I'm here. Don't make me see you off or something like that. Just... don't."
Nao stared at him. "Why not?"
Shin sighed, kissing his lips briefly. "I'm scared I won't be able to let you go then."
"You really want me to do that? Leave while you're not at home or something?"
"Or maybe while I'm asleep. Something like that. Anything but... while I'm home. I don't want to see you leave. I couldn't bear it, Nao. I might be able to let you go, but not so completely. Not like that," he replied. "Gods. I'm such a coward, aren't I, Naoran?"
Nao nodded. "Not that, love. You aren't. Then, I promise you. I guess... I feel the same. I couldn't leave, seeing you like that too. But I won't leave so soon, alright? You can trust me on that count."
"I know," Shin murmured drowsily. "Thank you."
Over the next month or so, then, there was an unspoken agreement not to tell their friends about Nao's imminent departure. Shin knew they would not understand, and would, most likely, try to dissuade Nao from leaving. But Nao would leave anyway, and they would be angry. Shin thought he might as well keep it from them.
Shin supposed he had come to accept Nao's eventual flight, as much as he did not quite want to. Throughout their apartment, he saw practically no signs of Nao's departure. There was nothing that Nao owned which he began to pack, nor were there documents for travel left lying around the house.
Sometimes, even he forgot that Nao would leave him in time.
Or perhaps, he wanted to ignore the little signs there. He slowly began to notice how fewer of Nao's clothes hung in the closet, but still, several of his daily outfits remained at home. He rarely ventured into the guest room, but when he did to clean it, he would spot a suitcase peeking out from under the bed - and over the next month, spotted yet another, badly hidden under the desk.
He never mentioned them, not quite wanting to cement Nao's departure in his mind then. Nao mentioned them occasionally, but they were ever fleeting mentions, and they never dwelled long on them. Nao would always smile at him, encouraging him to smile. Always, he said that there was no point thinking about the future when you lived in the present, and it was all you had to treasure.
So Shin followed that advice, trying his best to love, to enjoy life as it had been, trying not to think about how Nao would, surely, soon go. Nao's kisses and touches were as warm and loving as ever, and he cherished them even more. Every time Nao was not home, he would replay those memories in his mind, keeping those bits of happiness close to his heart.
Nao finally left sometime in the early hours of the morning after his birthday.
That birthday had been slightly bittersweet, something celebrated by going to a hanami party early in the morning, somewhere further up north, before making it back to Tokyo by evening. It was still winter in Tokyo, then. Later, at home, Shin had cooked Nao dinner, and the two of them ate happily, chatting and laughing and kissing.
Shin could sense, in every kiss, a longing and urge to hold on. Making love that night had been slow and gentle, filled with that same deep love and passion they always had. Shin treasured each and every second of it, suspecting that he would not see Nao in the morning.
"Thank you for this birthday. I love you so much, Shin," Nao whispered after they had finished, brushing away strands of hair from Shin's face.
Shin smiled drowsily at him. "Happy birthday. I love you, too, Nao."
Nao smiled at him, and held him tightly as Shin drifted off into sleep, their fingers tightly clasped together. Shin dreamt that night of the day itself, of Nao's bright laughter and his achingly sweet smile.
When he awoke, there was no Nao next to him. There was no scent of breakfast cooking from the kitchen, nor the sound of running water from the shower. There was nothing but silence, and him.
Shin fought back tears, gripping the sheets. Ignoring the soreness of his body, he sat up and looked around him. It looked the same - painfully so. He turned to Nao's side of the bed, messy as though someone had indeed slept in it, and his eyes lingered on the folded piece of paper on the pillow, with his name written in Nao's familiar scrawl.
He reached out and picked it up, opening it. His gaze fixated on the words, large and almost like a child's, just like Nao himself.
Shin,
I think, by now, I would be gone. I have to catch an early flight, and I guess, leaving like this is for the best. It's the way we would both have left - otherwise, I don't think we would have been able to let go of each other.
I still wish you could have come back, but I am as free a spirit as you are rooted to your home. I don't really know how long I'll be gone. But I'll come back. I'll see you in time. And I won't forget your birthday, okay? You've given me so many wonderful birthdays, so many wonderful memories. I want to continue making memories with you.
Thank you for everything you have given me, Shin. All these years, you've been so loving and understanding. I've found a home with you, Shin. And now you've let me go, and I am grateful to you. I couldn't find anyone else like you. That red thread will always connect us, Shin. I believe that.
I will come back, love. Just wait for me. I promise to return. I love you so much.
Nao
In that moment, Shin was not sure whether to laugh or cry.
Even now, when he looks at the letter, he does not know whether to laugh or cry. Laugh, because he trusts Nao so much, and knows that he will come back to him somehow. Cry, because his heart aches and he just wishes to see Nao, to have him come back home to him.
He does neither as he rereads the letter, the edges slightly frayed from the constant handling, the creases in the paper ever so slightly torn from unfolding and folding it. His eyes linger on the last few words.
I love you so much.
His own feelings have never changed. He carefully folds up the letter, placing it lovingly on the dresser, where the box of leaves he received for his birthday similarly resides. He stares at it, and smiles slightly, fingering the jagged edge of one leaf. So, so much like Nao.
His phone rings, and he reaches into his pocket to get it. The name on the cover is Akiya's, and he answers it after a moment.
"Hey, Shin. Merry Christmas eve! I hope you've gotten ready," Akiya says cheerily.
"Hm?" Shin mumbles, looking at the clock.
Right, Christmas eve. They are planning to go out for dinner and drinks before having a video games marathon at Izumi's. They will stay over and hand out presents to each other the next morning. He smiles slightly.
"You didn't forget, did you?" Akiya says teasingly.
Shin grins into the receiver. "No, I didn't. I was... thinking, that's all. I'll be there soon. See you guys."
Akiya says nothing for a second, then he replies, "Sure. Be there in about ten minutes. Bye!"
The line goes dead, and Shin closes the phone. He knows that his three friends have never quite forgiven Nao for simply leaving like that, no matter how much Shin explained and tried to make them understand. There are times when they still ask him how he could accept Nao's departure like that, and his only response was that he trusted Nao to come back. He has long given up explaining things to them.
Shin is quick to take a shower and change. He looks at his birthday gift and the letter for a while longer, before grabbing his wallet and phone, along with his friends presents in a bag, and heading out. He takes a cab to the restaurant where they are, and finds only Izumi there. He smiles and waves to him before sitting down.
Izumi beams at him. "You're early. I thought Akiya would arrive before you, he just called to say that he was arriving."
"Yeah? Me too. I'm not usually so early, am I?" Shin remarks, laughing softly.
"Pfft, you never are," Akiya says loudly from behind them. "There was a traffic jam, and the bus was really slow. So I got off at the previous stop and ran here. Isshi's late though."
"He's probably spending his time trying to look good," Izumi chortles, and the next few minutes is spent with laughter and jokes.
Isshi arrives soon after, decked out in his newest clothes. They tease him, laughing together, and Shin joins in. As much as he misses Nao's presence, he has these friends of his to cherish. They've always been with him, even if they have never loved him the way Nao does. He has that to thank them for.
"Come on, let's order our food. And then we can go for drinks, yeah?" Isshi says smoothly, ignoring the jibes at him.
Dinner is had, with the same camaraderie they have shared for decades. Shin basks in it, laughing along. Still a part of him aches, wondering still when Nao will return to him, but he does not dwell on that. The food and atmosphere are both good, and he lets himself relax with them.
Winter does not seem quite so bleak, then.
After an hour, they have eaten their fill. Isshi treats them, and Shin decides to step out for a moment, wanting to be alone just for a little while. Wind hits him in the face, messing up his hair. Thankfully, his thick jacket serves to provide some protection from the harsh cold, but it's still rather uncomfortable.
He keeps his head down, thoughts swirling with thoughts of Nao. How is he spending this Christmas Eve? Alone, or with his foreign friends? In a similar cold climate, or in some southern country where it is summer and not winter? A little voice in his head wonders, too, if Nao is thinking of him.
Shin hears the click of the restaurant doors behind him, and then -
"Shin!"
He looks up, body tensing. That voice. Painfully familiar, as sweet and lilting as ever, just as he remembers. He spots a familiar violet windbreaker, and brown locks whipping about a face he recalls so, so well, and loves so much.
"Naoran..." he whispers, swallowing.
Before he knows it, he is running, wild and free and without a thought for anything, anyone else. His feet take him towards Nao, luggage lying in a messy heap on the floor, and with a breathless sob he runs into his arms, knowing that yes, he is back, and as warm and real as he remembers him.
"You're back," Shin says, fighting not to cry. "Naoran, you're back."
"I am, love. I'm right here," Nao says, his own voice quivering. "I told you I would come home."
Shin looks up, fingers caressing the shape of his face. "Gods, Nao, I'm not dreaming, am I?"
Nao laughs softly, and swoops down, kissing Shin fervently. Shin clings on, drinking in that taste he has missed so, so much. His fingers tangle in locks of smooth brown hair, fingering those familiar strands. This kiss is as sweet as any memory and yet so much more - for it is real, real and tangible and warm.
Finally, Nao pulls away, breathless, tears shining in his eyes. A smile curves his lips, his own hands tracing Shin's face as though he, too, finds it hard to believe that Shin is there as well. Shin lets out a peal of laughter, the first real laugh of truest happiness in this time since Nao left.
"You really are back..."
They turn around, and see Akiya standing there, with Isshi and Izumi flanking him. They look surprised as well, though Shin spots a little smile playing at the corners of Isshi's lips. Akiya's eyes dart from Nao and then back to Shin, before going back to Nao, gaze lingering.
"Nao, I swear. If you ever, ever leave Shin like that again - if you break his heart again - I swear I will hunt you down," Akiya says, though with no real venom in his voice.
"I don't think I will," Nao replies with a bright grin, holding Shin's hand tightly. "I'm home after all."
"Well!" Izumi says, smiling now. "I guess that means that you aren't coming back with us. You two must have a lot to catch up to, right? Merry Christmas, then. We'll see you soon."
"Hold on," Shin says, beaming. "Here. Your presents."
He hands the wrapped boxes to his friends, who thank him gratefully. Their presents to him are, apparently, at Izumi's place, but as Isshi puts it, "Your greatest present is right here with you anyway."
They leave Shin alone with Nao on the pavement, hands clasped tightly and looking at each other. "So..." Shin begins curiously. "How come you're here?"
Nao scratches at his head with a chuckle. "You see, I wanted to take a taxi home from the airport and give you a surprise, but there was a bit of a traffic jam so I got off over there, and wanted to walk further down the road and get another taxi. And then... here you are, Shin."
"You haven't changed much," Shin remarks.
"Huh?"
Shin grins. "You're rambling on, as usual."
Again, he tiptoes and kisses Nao, not caring if anyone will see. It doesn't matter to him anymore. Only the fact that Nao is back with him is all that he cares about, now. His love has returned to him.
"H-hey, Shin," Nao says with a breathy laugh as he pulls away. "Let's go home, shall we?"
Shin beams, and takes his hand. When they reach home, they collapse onto their bed in a fervent mess of kisses and touches. Nao relates to him his tales of adventure with loving kisses pressed to his skin, and Shin listens with giggles and moans. Nao is still the same, physically older but still like a child in some ways, and definitely more adult in some others.
Shin loves this about him.
Shin loves everything about him.
When they lie together afterwards, basking in the sweet afterglow of sex, Nao holds Shin tightly to him. Those arms are, perhaps, a little more muscular, and the skin is a little rougher, his once-smooth fingertips calloused. Shin takes his time getting used to them. They've all changed a little bit.
"Shinpei, I promise you - I won't leave you ever again," Nao murmurs at last.
"Are you sure?" Shin whispers.
"I'm happy so long as I'm with you. Anyway... I'm getting pretty old, and I want to grow older with you," Nao says with a laugh. "I love you, Shin."
"Love you too, Nao," Shin responds with a brief kiss to Nao's lips.
Nao smiles, arms warm and secure around Shin's body, protective and ever loving. Shin cuddles against him, reveling in that warmth. The scent of Nao's skin is wonderfully familiar, and the feel of Nao's muscles beneath his fingertips is still the same. He is glad that Nao is home.
Shin goes to sleep with a smile on his face. He knows that, in the morning, Nao is going to be there.
So. After much delay, I have finally finished this piece of work. I have a lot of feelings towards this - my first real Kagrra, fic, the conceptualisation and drafting of which took place when I first fell in love with Kagrra,. And today, just a day before their final live, I've ended it. This fanfic means so, so much to me. I can only hope that it was an enjoyable read to all of you, and that it touched you, too, the way it did when I began writing this. Thank you.