Jaded
Things have been fairly brutal lately. Kind of a culmination of a bunch of bad stuff all coming together. I think the main bad thing is that I'm not on meds right now. Every time I end up off meds I realize even more how fucked up my normal brain chemistry is. It seems to like to default to random switching emotions having nothing to do with the current situation. This, mixing with me being epically stressed out from work stuff is making baaddd things happen.
I'm in a bad mood, a very, very, bad, mean, mood. Just typing this I have to keep from trailing off into rants about inconsiderate assholes and brain dead idiots. I've been extremely confrontational and outright mean with a lot of people lately. Not to say it's at random targets, just people who I would normally 'tolerate' or shrug off, now I will get in their fucking face about it.
Unfortunately I'm stuck waiting for this psychiatrist who can't get me in for like 3 god damn months. I have a feeling something will give before that though. It'll likely be this job if it stays on its current track.
To be honest, the more I see what I'm gonna have to deal with on a daily basis, the more I think it's gonna make me fuckin' miserable. Pretty much the worst part of this is how fast it's getting thrown at me. I could prolly sit down with this guy for a full month, everyday (we've had like.. 4 days) and not cover all the random shit that pertains to this job. It's not even stuff you can logic out, if you could I wouldn't have an issue. I remember old nightmares I've had where I'd be at some important job and realize I have no idea how to do it and it's starting to feel like that. So yeah, that's driving me all sorts of mental on top of the med thing.
Guh, I dunno what to do with myself. Haven't relaxed once in over a week. Been trying to find something that helps me relax but nothings working so far. Mref, guess I'll go practice some Go or something. Thinking I might join the Go club they host over at the university, see if that isn't something I can do to relax. Later.
I'm in a bad mood, a very, very, bad, mean, mood. Just typing this I have to keep from trailing off into rants about inconsiderate assholes and brain dead idiots. I've been extremely confrontational and outright mean with a lot of people lately. Not to say it's at random targets, just people who I would normally 'tolerate' or shrug off, now I will get in their fucking face about it.
Unfortunately I'm stuck waiting for this psychiatrist who can't get me in for like 3 god damn months. I have a feeling something will give before that though. It'll likely be this job if it stays on its current track.
To be honest, the more I see what I'm gonna have to deal with on a daily basis, the more I think it's gonna make me fuckin' miserable. Pretty much the worst part of this is how fast it's getting thrown at me. I could prolly sit down with this guy for a full month, everyday (we've had like.. 4 days) and not cover all the random shit that pertains to this job. It's not even stuff you can logic out, if you could I wouldn't have an issue. I remember old nightmares I've had where I'd be at some important job and realize I have no idea how to do it and it's starting to feel like that. So yeah, that's driving me all sorts of mental on top of the med thing.
Guh, I dunno what to do with myself. Haven't relaxed once in over a week. Been trying to find something that helps me relax but nothings working so far. Mref, guess I'll go practice some Go or something. Thinking I might join the Go club they host over at the university, see if that isn't something I can do to relax. Later.