You've got everything I used to want.
I feel a bit lethargic. That’s the word, right? Right…or is it… *sigh* I’m facing a dilemma on what to do about it. Part of the reason I feel this way is because I took some of my sisters Adderall, I took it because I felt down and frustrated about things, like school and relationships and I thought maybe I could focus better with it and help me to pass my classes and finals.
Well, it worked.
So what’s the problem? The problem is…I feel like I’m a zombie. I mean…I’m awake, alert, focused…but somehow I’m not me. I don’t want to joke around; I snap at people, I’m not as talkative… I just do. Is that such a bad thing for me? Maybe I’ve been fucking around too much in the first place.
Taking that medication though, it’s the first time I’ve felt…well…content. And squaring away all that schoolwork made me feel genuinely confident for a change. Everything I feel though…it’s dull and numb. All my emotions are skewed, but its odd because I notice it; I recognize things don’t feel right.
I know my body is hungry, yet I don’t feel hungry.
I get angry at things, but I don’t take the time to express it.
I feel excited, but I’m stuck in some lethargic state of mind.
But…I focus.
Is it all worth the trade? I’m not really sure. I just…I don’t want to make myself into things I’m not. I don’t want to lose what is me. And while I’m glad to finally buckle down and do the work it feels like the wrong reasons are behind it. Like I’m still lacking the motivation but I’m doing it anyways.
It worries me I notice this much change after only taking the medication twice.
Another thing, I’ve run down all the people I actually trust to talk to. The people I feel actually get me. It’s not even that no one cares; there are some people who I know do care for whatever odd reason they have. I just don’t feel like I have anyone that genuinely listens to what I say, and simply acknowledge. I’m not asking for all the pity, I don’t want that. And I think the reason I don’t like people to care about me is because I feel it gives them some level of pity towards me, and apparently I’m too proud for that.
What else?
Well, there’s that part of me I keep trying to fill. Everyone has it, I know they do, how could they not? Companionship. A part of me feels that my innocence has died. Just one more step towards being an adult I guess. I’m too busy focusing on the sick cruel realities of the world that I can’t look at all the good anymore. Look at it all with that naïve childish belief of everything being dreams and stories, all of it being alright. Though right now, as I type it out, I feel its there somewhere deep down. And the past few weeks I think I’ve realized that I was wrong in thinking all those dreams and good things didn’t exist.
They do.
They have to.
Because if they didn’t, then why does everyone in the entire world, and why has the entire course of man kind, ever bothered to wake up each morning? As people we traded our instincts for intellect over the course of evolution, to create that conscious being that dares every day to do things against the natural order, to strive to become things we’re told we can’t, to do things only others can do. That’s what makes us human.
*sigh*
But how does that help me, I’m still just a guy without a companion and trying to make himself feel better about being dumped.
Well, it worked.
So what’s the problem? The problem is…I feel like I’m a zombie. I mean…I’m awake, alert, focused…but somehow I’m not me. I don’t want to joke around; I snap at people, I’m not as talkative… I just do. Is that such a bad thing for me? Maybe I’ve been fucking around too much in the first place.
Taking that medication though, it’s the first time I’ve felt…well…content. And squaring away all that schoolwork made me feel genuinely confident for a change. Everything I feel though…it’s dull and numb. All my emotions are skewed, but its odd because I notice it; I recognize things don’t feel right.
I know my body is hungry, yet I don’t feel hungry.
I get angry at things, but I don’t take the time to express it.
I feel excited, but I’m stuck in some lethargic state of mind.
But…I focus.
Is it all worth the trade? I’m not really sure. I just…I don’t want to make myself into things I’m not. I don’t want to lose what is me. And while I’m glad to finally buckle down and do the work it feels like the wrong reasons are behind it. Like I’m still lacking the motivation but I’m doing it anyways.
It worries me I notice this much change after only taking the medication twice.
Another thing, I’ve run down all the people I actually trust to talk to. The people I feel actually get me. It’s not even that no one cares; there are some people who I know do care for whatever odd reason they have. I just don’t feel like I have anyone that genuinely listens to what I say, and simply acknowledge. I’m not asking for all the pity, I don’t want that. And I think the reason I don’t like people to care about me is because I feel it gives them some level of pity towards me, and apparently I’m too proud for that.
What else?
Well, there’s that part of me I keep trying to fill. Everyone has it, I know they do, how could they not? Companionship. A part of me feels that my innocence has died. Just one more step towards being an adult I guess. I’m too busy focusing on the sick cruel realities of the world that I can’t look at all the good anymore. Look at it all with that naïve childish belief of everything being dreams and stories, all of it being alright. Though right now, as I type it out, I feel its there somewhere deep down. And the past few weeks I think I’ve realized that I was wrong in thinking all those dreams and good things didn’t exist.
They do.
They have to.
Because if they didn’t, then why does everyone in the entire world, and why has the entire course of man kind, ever bothered to wake up each morning? As people we traded our instincts for intellect over the course of evolution, to create that conscious being that dares every day to do things against the natural order, to strive to become things we’re told we can’t, to do things only others can do. That’s what makes us human.
*sigh*
But how does that help me, I’m still just a guy without a companion and trying to make himself feel better about being dumped.