Time for a poll!
Thanks for your great advice on quitting, flist! I.. m working through it. Mostly in my mind. Urg, I wonder what is it with this.. obstinate, opposed to change, stubborn bull-mind I have. My science heart tells me that horoscopes really make no sense, and then I come off as the most Taurean of all Tauruses and I have to grumble lowly to myself...
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(A fellow intern in DC did her paper on Women and Genocide. The thesis was that while there are way more men than women involved in perpetrating genocide, the few women who do get involved are far more brutal than the men, and that perhaps it was because women bottle up their feelings and then let them loose all at once).
I think we're all fierce inside, but generally keep it under wraps because...I dunno, probably societal pressure, or maybe we're just more mature than guys. Regardless, we're used to suppressing our angry/dark/violent feelings, but if someone we love is threatened I think that control slips a little and we let out the protector.
I think that's especially true when it's a girl defending another girl. Women are more protected, I think women are more protective, women are more vigilant and take things more seriously than men (so a guy sees a harmless joke and a girl sees a possible threat), and then combine that with a sense of togetherness, that women are more often victims so we need to look out for each other - put all that together and you get a chick ready to kick some serious ass when her girl friends are threatened.
I LOVE run-on sentences.
And good on you for sticking up for your work-sister. I understand trying to keep the peace and not cause a cafuffle so your usual method of dealing with harassment makes sense. But keep in mind that most people operate on the theory that if they're doing something wrong, someone will tell them. If nobody calls these guys on their bullshit, they'll think it's acceptable behavior. And guys do NOT understand subtlety, so they do need to be hit on the head with a blunt hammer of YOU ARE BEING AN ASSHOLE. You are brave enough to stand up to them, and remember that a lot of women aren't, so you're helping not just yourself and your work-sister but all the other women those guys will ever know. I know of several occasions when one chick finally stood up to a jerk, and afterwards a couple other girls came up to her and were like "Thank you so much, he made me feel awful but I could never do anything about it."
Does that all make sense? I'm tired and perhaps rambling. I get ranty about this because...well, let's just say that the reason I chose an offensive martial art instead of something like Aikido was so that if another woman got attacked I could help her. It's one of my Big Red Buttons.
My point was - yes, I think women are more protective. :D
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I think that might be exactly what makes us more likely to react en masse to something we see as a threat while men cower back saying 'woah, crazy bitches'. They don't see how their joke is actually a threat -all part of cultural differences that I think we as women need to breach to explain it to them. They won't get it on their own because they are never in such a situation, and most (decent) guys never intend to scare you like that. Like you say, they don't notice they are being assholes and it comes to us to bring it to light.
I had another altercation with the same coworker this past week, and it has made things very uncomfortable for me this past days because I have broken their male comfort, but my work-sister has also got my back and we're both standing up more for each other now, and the boys are walking on eggshells. It's awkward, but definitely important. Some of them will never get it -one of them was all miffed like I had broken his favorite toy, and the other one acted like he was the victim for being castrated in public by the baby girl of the department- but the rest of the guys -the ones not under direct attack- got the message pretty well, and in a office of 3 women and 9 men, I think I can handle two miffled jackasses as long as the other 7 get a clear idea of what boundaries are supposed to be.
It's so hard, though, to be the voice that speaks up, especially given how much I hate confrontation. But I'm getting much better at it. I have to tolerate all kinds of unconscious sexism, and I know I can only attack that one with subtlety and education, and that will take a while, but open attacks I will respond with equally open stop signs. We can't let such things be perpetuated.
I do think women are more viciously protective -in the specific case of the work problem, there's this coworker who treats me as his baby sister, and he will stay out of the discussions until he sees the right time to back me up, and then gives me his tacit support. Given that he's usually the alpha male of the pack, this further humiliates the other males, which.. is problematic -makes problems bigger than they are!- but it also makes me feel like they aren't all scum.
People are complicateeeedddddd.
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Yay that you have at least one decent guy on your side. :) There are definitely a lot of good guys out there, they just...don't stand out as much as the assholes I guess.
I have to tolerate all kinds of unconscious sexism
Ya know, in a way that's the worst kind, when they're just so fucking dense. I noticed it a looooot in Costa Ric - guys that, to me, seemed to be totally out of control, but they thought they were acting perfectly civil. I remember one of our teachers, who to be fair was a very classy guy, said that Latin men were very romantic. All the girls in the class were like "Whaaaat? Are you insane?!" and we tried in broken Spanish to explain why NO, not so much feeling the romance in the catcalling and leg-humping. Poor guy looked so baffled, not by our crappy Spanish but by the idea that women weren't swooning over the irresistible charms of Costa Rican men. Oi. When it's that ingrained, how do you even fight it? That's one of my biggest issues when traveling - it's totally not my place to try and change any culture that I visit so I try to just grit my teeth and bear it, but I just can't wedge myself into that subserviently slutty role that they seem to want me to play. Which is part of why I haven't gone to any Islamic countries yet, cause I will start throwin punches.
Sometimes I think that all men are really like that and some just hide it better, which is a very sad thought. :( Most of the time I know that's not true, but...sometimes...
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