(no subject)
I tend to be a fairly happy person by nature. I'm reluctant to call myself an optimist, though I do try to look at how things can benefit me in the future instead of dwelling on the pain they cause me. It's how I've survived some of the low points of my life so far, after all, and for me it's a tried and true coping mechanism.
But every now and again, there are just feelings and vibes that I can't shake off quite as easily. It's like the funk is in the air itself, and every time I breathe I'm taking in more of the negativity. Tonight's one of those. I'm moody and restless, and I can't shake the feeling that I am failing at my life right now.
In truth, I'm scared.
I'm scared I won't be able to register for all of the classes I need to. I'm scared I'm going to be stuck in this school for another two years or more because they keep cutting the budget for the art department and cutting out classes I need to take to graduate. I'm scared I won't be able to keep up with my projects. I'm scared that I'm going to lose my job and that I won't be able to find another one (and in this economy, that is very likely). I'm scared that the insane, pressing drive to write that I've had since January is going to up and die tomorrow, and it'll be another four or five years before it comes back. I'm scared that I'll never find anything to do in my life. I'm scared I'll end up being alone forever. I'm so scared, and I don't know what to do to make myself not be afraid any more.
I need to do my homework, but right now all I want to do is write. And not even for my English class - I just want to write me some fanfiction. Which I can never publish. Which means that it's essentially a waste of my precious time at the moment. Which I hate to think about. It shouldn't have to be a choice between what I want and what I need, but it is. It is, and what I need has to trump what I want. Always.
Dammit, I hate growing up.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
But every now and again, there are just feelings and vibes that I can't shake off quite as easily. It's like the funk is in the air itself, and every time I breathe I'm taking in more of the negativity. Tonight's one of those. I'm moody and restless, and I can't shake the feeling that I am failing at my life right now.
In truth, I'm scared.
I'm scared I won't be able to register for all of the classes I need to. I'm scared I'm going to be stuck in this school for another two years or more because they keep cutting the budget for the art department and cutting out classes I need to take to graduate. I'm scared I won't be able to keep up with my projects. I'm scared that I'm going to lose my job and that I won't be able to find another one (and in this economy, that is very likely). I'm scared that the insane, pressing drive to write that I've had since January is going to up and die tomorrow, and it'll be another four or five years before it comes back. I'm scared that I'll never find anything to do in my life. I'm scared I'll end up being alone forever. I'm so scared, and I don't know what to do to make myself not be afraid any more.
I need to do my homework, but right now all I want to do is write. And not even for my English class - I just want to write me some fanfiction. Which I can never publish. Which means that it's essentially a waste of my precious time at the moment. Which I hate to think about. It shouldn't have to be a choice between what I want and what I need, but it is. It is, and what I need has to trump what I want. Always.
Dammit, I hate growing up.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.