#113: Directionless.
It's Christmas.
A day of joyous celebration I suppose. Frankly speaking, I don't celebrate Christmas, so actually today is just another day in December. That is, till 2002, when my beloved brother was born on the day after Christmas, and Christmas Day conveniently became a day to celebrate his birthday too, given that most working adults are having off days on Christmas itself rather than the day after.
But not this year. I guess as my brother gets older, there isn't rly much of a need nor want to specially organise a party for him. I wasn't in any mood for any celebrations either way - the release of results yesterday was depressing and discouraging. I had never expected myself to get such a CAP. I mean sure, I wasn't as motivated and hardworking as I am in previous years; there weren't any thing to look forward to after Uni. In the past, there's always the goal of getting a good O'level score and A'level score.
Now... nothing.
I tried my best to be optimistic about this entire situation y'know, like at least any CAP I will get from now on will not be as low as this, which I fervently hope, and my overall CAP will only go up rather than down. But such positivity can only last as long as 10 seconds before I fell back into my (current) state of self-pityness. What can anyone expect from someone who's prone to believing that she's got the worst of luck for so long anyway.
But I will try, maybe not today but yes I will try. As my friend told me yesterday: Attitude is more important than hardwork. Attitude determines how well you do stuff and how you treat what you're doing. I will try to change my laid-back attitude towards studies. Part of me still wonders what if, just what if, I went overseas to study instead. Things would have been a whole lot different. But then there's of course the issue of finances. I honestly do not want to waste close to 30K just to graduate with a lousy cert. I definitely don't wish to fall short of my parents' expectations for me. I know its a risk for me to take a less common course, and I'm immensely grateful and blessed that they still believe in me and tell me to work harder next time.
That being said, sometimes I wish I know what I want by now. I thought I did, two years back. But I was never a strong-minded person. My goal in life changes every few months I rly do not know what I want by now. Funny enough, I only know what I don't want.
Posts of such sadness don't usually go on my Livejournal account but given that my Tumblr account is gradually shifting from a personal blog to a multi-fandom blog, I don't feel comfortable with posting such personal stuff there anymore. I sincerely hope this is one of the last sad posts on this blog.
Either way, Merry Christmas to whoever's reading.
A day of joyous celebration I suppose. Frankly speaking, I don't celebrate Christmas, so actually today is just another day in December. That is, till 2002, when my beloved brother was born on the day after Christmas, and Christmas Day conveniently became a day to celebrate his birthday too, given that most working adults are having off days on Christmas itself rather than the day after.
But not this year. I guess as my brother gets older, there isn't rly much of a need nor want to specially organise a party for him. I wasn't in any mood for any celebrations either way - the release of results yesterday was depressing and discouraging. I had never expected myself to get such a CAP. I mean sure, I wasn't as motivated and hardworking as I am in previous years; there weren't any thing to look forward to after Uni. In the past, there's always the goal of getting a good O'level score and A'level score.
Now... nothing.
I tried my best to be optimistic about this entire situation y'know, like at least any CAP I will get from now on will not be as low as this, which I fervently hope, and my overall CAP will only go up rather than down. But such positivity can only last as long as 10 seconds before I fell back into my (current) state of self-pityness. What can anyone expect from someone who's prone to believing that she's got the worst of luck for so long anyway.
But I will try, maybe not today but yes I will try. As my friend told me yesterday: Attitude is more important than hardwork. Attitude determines how well you do stuff and how you treat what you're doing. I will try to change my laid-back attitude towards studies. Part of me still wonders what if, just what if, I went overseas to study instead. Things would have been a whole lot different. But then there's of course the issue of finances. I honestly do not want to waste close to 30K just to graduate with a lousy cert. I definitely don't wish to fall short of my parents' expectations for me. I know its a risk for me to take a less common course, and I'm immensely grateful and blessed that they still believe in me and tell me to work harder next time.
That being said, sometimes I wish I know what I want by now. I thought I did, two years back. But I was never a strong-minded person. My goal in life changes every few months I rly do not know what I want by now. Funny enough, I only know what I don't want.
Posts of such sadness don't usually go on my Livejournal account but given that my Tumblr account is gradually shifting from a personal blog to a multi-fandom blog, I don't feel comfortable with posting such personal stuff there anymore. I sincerely hope this is one of the last sad posts on this blog.
Either way, Merry Christmas to whoever's reading.