hmm..
so i want to post this entry to him. he doesn't read my journal, so this can be my place to say what i would say if i really had the courage to:
J.
first off let me just say, you are amazing. the other night was the most unexpected, wonderful surprise i could have hoped for. secondly, we need to be careful. not in the sense of sex and whatnot, becuase i really trust you on that and i hope you feel the same; but more on the issue of my feelings. you said that you don't want to hurt me and i believe you, i believe that you have nothing but the best intentions possible...but, i am sensitive. i told you that the other night and i think you got the point, but i really need to emphasis the reality check point that i made. I can already feel myself pulling in, and i am also already starting to wait for you to start pulling away. that's a scary feeling for a girl when dealing with a guy she cares about, and i hope you know that this is one of the things that will inevitably happen to some extent in the near future. and that's okay. you just have to be concious that it was always be back and forth, and i am the type of girl who needs a little of both sides, which means that, hard as this is to admit because i'm afraid of what the consequences may be, at some point, i will need to feel pulled by you. i know you don't want a girlfriend, and i'm not looking for forever, but i need to feel wanted for more than sex at this point in my life. i have to weigh the consequences of stopping this in it's tracks to save my potentially wounded heart, and letting it continue and grow. i hope you know that that aspect of this is inevitable too. you respect me, you trust me, and we have amazing sex...if you consider yourself at all to have a human soul, you know that means that you'll grow fond of me. i will too. i can already feel it starting (don't panic, i'm not falling in love), in that i now know this whole other side of you that is everything i could have hoped for in that respect. what i need to warn you about, because we agreed that communication is best, is that i pursue. i pursue hard if there is something i want. i know that this can, and has in that past, do nothing but push you away, and so with you, i am committed to taking this at whatever pace you set. i need you to know that, so you know i respect your wishes on how this needs to go to work for you. what i need is for you to be honest and talk to me if something is bothering you. i know you aren't an asshole, and that you wouldn't want unnecessary drama, trust me, i don't either, but i need to know if something is wrong so i can fix it. i'm a problem-solver by nature, but i'm also passive-aggressive and i don't always like to confront problems head-on. don't worry, if you don't let things snowball, i am very unconfrontational. i also need to let you know that i do very well with boundaries and guidelines, that's part of my meticulous nature. i don't want to make things awkward by making "rules", that's just stupid, but if there is anything specific that you want or need to feel comfortable, i would like to know about it. the one thing i am really banking on in this is that you felt the same connection i did the other day. looking into your eyes like that was the most intense, passionate moment of my life, and i can't imagine that you didn't feel it, so hopefully this letter has not gone in vain. i'll leave it at that. i hope i have the courage to let you see this and that when you do, you are receptive to it in the way i know you may be, but if you don't, then just know, i had nothing but good intentions at heart when composing this.
until next time,
L.
J.
first off let me just say, you are amazing. the other night was the most unexpected, wonderful surprise i could have hoped for. secondly, we need to be careful. not in the sense of sex and whatnot, becuase i really trust you on that and i hope you feel the same; but more on the issue of my feelings. you said that you don't want to hurt me and i believe you, i believe that you have nothing but the best intentions possible...but, i am sensitive. i told you that the other night and i think you got the point, but i really need to emphasis the reality check point that i made. I can already feel myself pulling in, and i am also already starting to wait for you to start pulling away. that's a scary feeling for a girl when dealing with a guy she cares about, and i hope you know that this is one of the things that will inevitably happen to some extent in the near future. and that's okay. you just have to be concious that it was always be back and forth, and i am the type of girl who needs a little of both sides, which means that, hard as this is to admit because i'm afraid of what the consequences may be, at some point, i will need to feel pulled by you. i know you don't want a girlfriend, and i'm not looking for forever, but i need to feel wanted for more than sex at this point in my life. i have to weigh the consequences of stopping this in it's tracks to save my potentially wounded heart, and letting it continue and grow. i hope you know that that aspect of this is inevitable too. you respect me, you trust me, and we have amazing sex...if you consider yourself at all to have a human soul, you know that means that you'll grow fond of me. i will too. i can already feel it starting (don't panic, i'm not falling in love), in that i now know this whole other side of you that is everything i could have hoped for in that respect. what i need to warn you about, because we agreed that communication is best, is that i pursue. i pursue hard if there is something i want. i know that this can, and has in that past, do nothing but push you away, and so with you, i am committed to taking this at whatever pace you set. i need you to know that, so you know i respect your wishes on how this needs to go to work for you. what i need is for you to be honest and talk to me if something is bothering you. i know you aren't an asshole, and that you wouldn't want unnecessary drama, trust me, i don't either, but i need to know if something is wrong so i can fix it. i'm a problem-solver by nature, but i'm also passive-aggressive and i don't always like to confront problems head-on. don't worry, if you don't let things snowball, i am very unconfrontational. i also need to let you know that i do very well with boundaries and guidelines, that's part of my meticulous nature. i don't want to make things awkward by making "rules", that's just stupid, but if there is anything specific that you want or need to feel comfortable, i would like to know about it. the one thing i am really banking on in this is that you felt the same connection i did the other day. looking into your eyes like that was the most intense, passionate moment of my life, and i can't imagine that you didn't feel it, so hopefully this letter has not gone in vain. i'll leave it at that. i hope i have the courage to let you see this and that when you do, you are receptive to it in the way i know you may be, but if you don't, then just know, i had nothing but good intentions at heart when composing this.
until next time,
L.