listen well.
if you read this then it won't be a waste. i'm sorry. i had no fucking idea. about anything, how you felt or what you thought. no idea what so ever, whenever i tried to find out, albeit to me it wasn't that great of an atempt, you would never tell. i had no idea. i thought this was just another loveless relationship i got myself into, that you were like all of the others that would just end up hurting me in the end. i had no idea that when i was counting the days of our relationship and how long we have been together, that you were there too, counting along beside me. i had no idea, and if time ever existed and ever started to make sense and became a tangible thing, i would take it all back, i would rewind time and never said what i said to you that night. i would have stopped myself from making probably the most regrattable descision in my life up until now. not afraid to commit, i'm not afraid to commit years to another person, not at all that's not it. i lied when i told you that. i was afraid. afraid that somehow, someway you would start to really like me and then i would start to really like, and somehow on some random day i would do or say something that upset you and then it would end. my heart would have been shattered again. maybe for the third time this year, and after i had just finally put the pieces back together. i wasn't afrid to commit, no. i was afraid to be cared for. i always am. i can't handle that, i don't know what to do when that happens to me, when someone really feels for me, i don't know what to do or to say. i've never been really cared for, for all that i can remember in my life. never, always being the one in the family that was shunned out, the black sheep if you will. so i didn't know... there still is more to say, much more, and if you read this then know this is only a 1/4 of what i want to say, and that even now as i type, i'm shedding tears.
-Andy
-Andy